Now that our relationship is coming to an end, I just want to thank you.
I will admit that things got off to a rocky start between us. All I really knew about you at first was that you were going to pre-empt a lot of my favorite shows (30 Rock, Mercy, etc), which was irritating.
Plus, there was that whole luge thing.
So yes, things were tense between us there for a while.
See, I’m not super into sports. I grew up in basketball country with a brother who is six foot eight inches tall. … Continue reading
This past week He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog has been passing a bunch of kidney stones.
He already has a broken ankle.
So, living with him has been a little bit like living with one of those monkeys at the zoo. You know, the ones who look all cute and cuddly at first? But then when you get up close to the cage to take their picture… … Continue reading
Ha, no, I didn’t go to New Moon last night at 12:01. I was doing what I’m always doing lately at 12:01AM: waiting for my Ambien to kick in and going, “Why don’t they have Say Yes To The Dress on On Demand?”
If you’re doing NaNoWriMo right now, you were probably doing the same thing at 12:01AM last night (unless you were actually working on your book. But I’m more of a 9-5er. Well, 10-6er, let’s be honest).
November is a cruel month to writers! We have so many deadlines, and no time to go to the movies…
…but there are so many awesome movies coming out!
I can’t see New Moon because I still haven’t seen Twilight (I know, I know…but unless it has giant explosions in it or it’s playing at Judy Blume’s husband’s independent theater, I wait to see everything on HBO or Starz. Because why else am I paying so much for these channels?)
But if the book fairies came and finished all my manuscripts overnight and I COULD go to the movies right now, I would be sure to see this new George Clooney romantic comedy about a man who goes around the country firing people, and then falls in love:
(Although if I find out he doesn’t get the girl at the end, I am totally not seeing this.)
And I would also go see the Fantastic Mr. Fox, starring George Clooney (is he in everything? Not that that’s a bad thing) and Meryl Streep as adorable little foxes (and Bill Murray as a badger).
(I have it on fairly good authority that this movie has a happy ending.)
And even though it looks hopelessly corny and no one I know would ever go see it with me in a million years, I would love to see the cheesefest that is The Blind Side starring Sandra Bullock.
(I KNOW this one ends happily, people, because it’s a true story: You can read about Michael Oher and the Tuohys, the couple who adopted him, here on Wikipedia!)
Plus, let’s face it, who doesn’t love Sandra Bullock? Even Janine Lindemulder, the adult-film star ex-wife of Sandra’s custom chopper-making husband, Jesse James (against whom Jesse is currently embroiled in a custody battle over their little daughter, Sunny) admits she just wants want to sit down and talk with Sandra.
Me too! Sandra, who does your hair?
Janine was recently released from jail for tax evasion, even though according to her website (what? Of course I read it!), Janine says JESSE is the one who ratted her out to the IRS after he left her for Sandra (while Janine was seven months pregnant with Sunny).
FYI, Janine’s current husband is a convicted felon with weapons, alcohol, and drug manufacturing charges…see photos of him here!
Here are some tips for Jesse, Janine, and Sandra during this hard time (from which I think we could all benefit):
1) Think twice about getting a tattoo on your face: It won’t wash off the way that poorly chosen eyeshadow from Walgreens did.
2) Don’t do a drug that is manufactured anywhere but in a lab that has ticker information on the New York Stock Exchange.
3) If you were in a high-grossing romantic comedy which co-starred Ryan Reynolds, and the mother of your husband’s child was in an adult film which co-starred Erik Estrada, you may just want to stay out of the ensuing custody battle altogether.
Advice we can all live by!
You know what? They should totally make a movie about this custody battle! I’d go see it.
Although personally, I’d wait until it came out on HBO. Unless they put some explosions or some fox puppets in it…which given the above details, might actually happen in real life.
I’d tried to read the graphic novel, but somehow I could never finish it. I have no idea why. The book has everything…sex, naked people, romance, sex, mystery, pirates (there were no pirates in the movie)!
I think I got bogged down with the pirates.
So I was excited to watch the movie and see how it all turned out…also to see if the big naked blue guy ever put on any pants.
He did, but only briefly. He found them binding, I guess. I know the feeling, especially after all that leftover Halloween candy.
Like the book, the movie is a little intense. It takes place in this wacky alt universe where Richard Nixon is still our president and we won Vietnam (because of the huge naked blue guy. Although his nakedness wasn’t at all sexy like in Beowulf. Maybe because he was blue).
The most annoying thing I found about this alternative reality was that people still play Simon and Garfunkel a lot.
I could take the Nixon stuff and the big blue naked man. But Simon and Garfunkel? Really?
Now, I did have a Paul Simon-related trauma, so maybe I’m prejudiced…in 1991, when Paul played for free in Central Park in front of 600,000 people, my friend had a panic attack on the Great Lawn, because there were so…many…people. And I couldn’t get her out of there. We were jammed in like sardines.
Eventually she just lay down in the dirt in a fetal position and cried softly while Paul sang “Diamonds on the Souls of her Shoes” until eventually the crackheads stopped yelling at us for money, and we could finally crawl through all the garbage back to the subway.
But seriously. It was a nightmare.
So I will admit I’m biased, and that whenever I hear a Paul Simon song now, I raise my fists to the air and shake them and scream, “WHY, PAUL SIMON??? WHY?????”
Paul Simon’s ex-wife, who now has her own book and one-woman show, Wishful Drinking.
So, yes, I found the music in The Watchmen…annoying.
But even more annoying, seriously, what was this?
No way would a woman go out fighting crime with her hair down! I’m a fan of The Police Women of Broward County, and this just isn’t happening! I could totally hear my mother screaming, “Pull your hair back, honey! It’s in your eyes!”
Plus, who could run in those heels? I’ll admit, it looks hot.
But her thighs are totally unprotected between her latex leotard and her boots. No.
But still, with those exceptions, I enjoyed The Watchmen, and give it two tiaras.
What I find most shocking about all of this is that Paul Simon didn’t write this Princess Leia tribute song:
Sadly, it’s not in The Watchmen. But if it had been, it would have been a whole lot better, if you ask me:
So we’ve been trying to relax by catching up on the recordings on our DVRs.
He Who Shall Not Be Named On This Blog doesn’t want me to tell you this, but in addition to long documentaries about Icelandic rock groups (no, really…sometimes they play music with rocks), HWSNBNITB loves to record romantic movies.
But He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog has another secret, besides his love for Sigur Ros and anything starring Hugh Grant:
He loves Nicholas Sparks movies.
Now, I have tried to explain to He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog that in almost every single Nicholas Spark movie, someone dies tragically at the end, which is not what I call a romance, and that this is because Nicholas Sparks’s mother died in a horseback riding accident two months after N.S.’s wedding.
Then his first baby died. Then his second son had physical problems. Then his dad died in a car accident. And then his sister died of a brain tumor.
But N.S. was able to channel all of that loss into becoming a huge bestselling author, then build a school, and he’s ALSO the track coach at the local public high school.
No. For real. I am not kidding you. In addition to writing a huge blockbuster every year or so, he is also the track coach at the local public school. It was in The New York Times. Do you work your full time job then also go build a school, then go coach the track team?
No? What’s wrong with you?
(PS–I’m kidding, I don’t do any of these things either.)
So can you really blame me for not wanting to watch Nights in Rodanthe, which was on the same night as Quarantine*???
Especially since I had already gone to Moviespoilers.com and checked to see how it ended.
Which I told HWSNBNITB.
“So?” he said. “We’re still watching it. And you’re going to love it.”
I so was not going to love this movie (if you do not want to know what happens at the end of this movie, STOP READING HERE. Because it is one of Nicholas Sparks’s best—by which I mean worst—endings ever).
“Seriously,” I said to him. “Do you know that Richard Gere gets—”
“DO NOT TELL ME,” he said.
“—completely killed by—”
“I will hold you tenderly in my arms while you cry,” HWSNBITB said.
On MY DVR (yes. We have His and Her DVRs. That is how we’ve stayed married 16 years), I’d recorded the new Rambo, and HWSNBITB had not held me tenderly in his arms as Rambo blew everyone (very satisfyingly) to bits, but had in fact fallen asleep as we’d watched it.
John Rambo is tamed by this missionary, much like the Incredible Hulk was tamed by Liv Tyler.
“Fine,” I said, very grudgingly because these are the kinds of sacrifices you make in a marriage.
And so I was forced to watch Nights in Rodanthe, in which poor Richard Gere, plays a doctor who accidentally kills someone (but feels guilty about it. He should try building a school, then coaching track).
And Diane Lane plays a woman whose husband has left her. We are supposed to think it’s because he’s an ass, but really it’s because she’s lost her self-esteem, cut her hair into an unflattering style (which I couldn’t help noticing looks a lot line mine. Thanks, Nicholas Sparks!) and stopped making boxes out of drift wood.
One of the driftwood boxes Diane Lane made, which were actually made by this guy in real life.
At one point Richard Gere and Diane Lane drunkenly throw the contents of a woman’s pantry into a garbage can. Obviously, there was nothing to do after that but make wild passionate love.
Then Richard Gere is killed in a South American mudslide.
“See,” I said to He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog. “I told you so.”
“But Diane Lane learned a valuable lesson,” HWSNBNITB said.
“About what?” I asked.
“To make boxes out of drift wood and not to wear her hair so short.”
Nights in Rodanthe
Three Well Deserved Tiaras!!!
*PS Later, I watched Quarantine, and it has an even worse ending than Nights in Rodanthe. Just FYI.
David Cross doesn’t make me feel better about my problems the way Kathy Griffin does, but he is dating Amber Tamblyn, which is dishy because he’s like twice her age.
Plus, he’s the guy who played the Never Nude in Arrested Development, and also various characters on Mr. Show, including Ronnie from the musical version of Cops, Fuzz.
So, for those reasons alone, I will read anything he ever writes.
Oh, I also bought this book:
Because the trailer for it cracks me up (but DO NOT CLICK ON IT, because the song will be stuck in your head all day).
You clicked on it, didn’t you? I warned you.
Oh, I also bought a book by Mindy Kaling (you know, Kelly from The Office). She co-wrote a play called Matt and Ben, about Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, and how they wrote Good Will Hunting. Then she starred in it. I wish I had seen it.
Anyway, there are a bunch more books I’m going to read if any of my three planes to or from Alabama break down, especially Dan Brown’s new book, The Lost Symbol, so I’ll know what everyone is talking about. I hate being out of the loop.
I’m especially sad about the latter because Jeff Bezos, the head of Amazon, took down his letter about how closely Amazon was guarding their copies of The Lost Symbol….
…which sucks as I was inspired to work on improving the letter for him. Even though it’s too late now, since the book is already out, I want to share it with you.
Mr. Bezos–also, Mr. D. Brown–you don’t have to thank me! I did this completely for free and out of love for Mr. Brown’s priceless work–due in stores September 15, completely coincidentally the same day as a certain other book known as Allie Finkle’s Rules for Girl’s #4 Stage Fright was due in stores!
So when you’re in there buying the adventures of the dashing Professor Robert Langdon, you might just want to wander over to the children’s section and pick up this other fantastic work!
Amazon Da Vinci Code Security Letter (as improved by Meg Cabot):
Dear Da Vinci Code Fans,
The Da Vinci Code sold 80 Million copies in 51 languages. Now, after five years of work, Dan Brown is unveiling his new novel, The Lost Symbol.
The contents of this book remain such a deep secret that Amazon is keeping their stockpile under 24-guard in its own chain-link enclosure, with two locks requiring two separate people for entry….
…as well as Cerberus, the multi-headed hell hound, guarding the people who are guarding the entry.
Not to mention the Hydra of Lernaean, a serpent-like chthonic water beast whose poisonous breath was so virulent even her tracks were deadly, guarding Cerebus.
Amazon is confident that with the stockpile under 24-hour guard in its own chain-link enclosure, with two locks requiring two separate people for entry, as well as Cerberus and the Hydra of Lernaean guarding the people who have the keys, copies of Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol will not get out before the release date, thus keeping Robert Langdon’s latest intrepid adventure unspoiled for you, the reading public.
But just in case someone does slip past Amazon’s chain link fence, locks, Cerberus, and the Hydra, Amazon is prepared to hunt down anyone who steals copies of The Lost Symbol using trained chupacabras.
Yes, chupacabras, the legendary cryptoid rumored to inhabit parts of the Americas and to drink the blood of livestock, will track down anyone who steals copies of The Lost Symbol (or posts a PDF of it online) before the release date, find them, puncture their jugular vein, and drain them of their life’s blood.
In this way, no one will survive to spoil handsome yet intellectual Robert Langdon’s next exciting tale.
You can depend on us, America!
Did you like that? I think it had a certain flair that the original letter lacked.
Anyway, I’m always happy to do what I can to help.
I just wish Amazon had come to me, a professional writer, first!
I hope all of you are watching Glee, which kind of flagged towards the middle but then got really good, and that you also saw the premiere of House (I wish that show were always set in a mental institution).
Just whatever you do, do NOT watch the horrible movie I saw on the way back from Brazil, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.
Really, Hollywood? Why don’t you just throw up on me next time and get it over with.
Personally, I recommend instead you see the Showtime documentary Battle of the High School Musical, Guys ‘n Divas.
Because it’s like Glee, only for REAL. Set in Southern Indiana near where I grew up (but my school had nowhere near as much money for arts as the schools in this documentary! At least not when I was there), it shows three different high school drama/arts departments struggling to put on their school musical, from auditions to opening night.
How much do I love the story of one student who began praise dancing (after slamming another boy’s head into concrete and hospitalizing him for two months)? Docudrama gold, baby.
And what about Floyd Central High School, where they put on a show called “Zombie Prom,” and where one of the male leads almost had to quit when….
Well, I don’t want to spoil it for you. But it has to do with a 14 foot python.
Seriously, people. It’s Indiana. You can’t make this stuff up. (My drama director used to throw her Bic lighter at us when we got a line wrong. I swear.)
Oh, and before I forget, don’t miss Appaloosa, starring Ed Harris and Viggo Mortenson.
I know what you’re thinking: Ed Harris? Seriously?
But stop right there. Viggo Mortenson was VERY VERY NAKED (FULL FRONTAL!!!) in Eastern Promises, a movie that scored VERY VERY HIGH on the Best Movie Ever Approval Rating (Romance, Action, Hot Guys With Guns, and Viggo Mortenson Full Frontal Naked. In fact I would give Eastern Promises three HUGE tiaras).
Sadly, only Renee Zellweger is naked in Appaloosa…and it’s through a telescope from super far away, in this pivotal scene. You don’t really see anything:
For which I suppose we should be thankful. Because, you know. It’s Renee Zellweger, who claims she can’t gain weight for Bridget Jones 3 because it’s “too hard” on her body.
Really, Renee? I could gain 30 pounds in three minutes with a bag of Oreos, some Ding Dongs, and a twelve pack of Coke.
However, Appaloosa was still an excellent, excellent movie, scoring very high on the approval rating!
This movie was based on the bestselling Western by Robert B. Parker who writes the Spenser series, one of my favorite mystery series of all time.
Watching Appaloosa, I remembered why I had liked the book so much: Viggo Mortenson and Ed Harris are super hot (although older) gunslingers for justice.
Also, they’re funny (but not slapstick. This wasn’t Lethal Weapon, which is good, but a totally different style of movie). They’re violent, but with good reason, and the romance was deliciously complicated.
All in all, I give Appaloosa three tiaras. I’m going to be buying the sequels to the book of Appaloosa, Resolution and Brimstone, and I’ll be reading them someday, along with all the other books I’m totally going to be reading someday.
If they got made into movies, I’d watch them someday too.
When my friend Beth called me to ask, “Wasn’t Appaloosa good?” I only had one thing to say about this film: “I would like to be in a Viggo Mortenson and Ed Harris sandwich.”
*I swear I’m totally going to read these books when I have time.
I can’t get anyone to go see District 9 with me because “it looks too scary” (why are all my friends/relatives such babies?) but this morning at breakfast I turned on the TV and they were showing Center Stage, one of the Best Ballet Movies Of All Time!
Of course I couldn’t NOT watch it, because of its brilliant combination of romance, ballet, and teens arguing with their parents that they JUST WANT TO FOLLOW THEIR DREAMS, MOM.
In case you don’t know, Center Stage is about kids attending the American Ballet Academy. They live, eat, and sleep at the school, hoping at the end to get into the American Ballet Company. It’s basically the original So You Think You Think You Can Dance.
Center Stage is exactly how I always dreamed ballet school would be, back when I wanted to go to ballet school (after I read Ballet Shoes, one of the Best Books Of All Time).
But I would be remiss in not mentioning that my dream of wanting to be a ballerina actually started when someone gave me a record called Tina the Ballerina (the Best Record Of All Time, sadly unavailable/out of print now).
The plot of Tina the Ballerina is basically the plot from which Center Stage, Flashdance, Fame, and every movie about a Girl With a Dream of Making It Big On Stage is based, boiled down to its essence:
Tina is a little French girl who “loves to dance.” Tina freaking dances ALL THE TIME.
On the day the big ballet company comes to town, Tina goes to see it (of course). She sits in the audience, her heart pounding with anticipation. She is finally going to see REAL ballet dancers, including France’s premiere prima ballerina!
Things on stage get going with the back-up ballerinas. The chorus sings this classic we all remember (no. I am kidding. No one remembers this song):
“See the dance they do
All the little ballerinas
See the dance they do
Round and round upon their toes!”
But then the music stops! The conductor comes out and says:
“Attention everyone: I wish to announce that the star ballerina cannot dance tonight and so the ballet cannot continue.”
Gasp! What do you think happens?
YES! YOU GUESSED IT!
Tina pops up out of her seat and cries, “Wait! Wait, sir! I will dance in her place!”
(Because you would so do this, right?)
The conductor is like, “You? But you are only a leetle gurl!”
And before anyone can stop her, Tina races onto the stage, and she begins…to dance!
And then the thrilling chorus starts!
“Round and round and round she goes,
dancing dancing on her toes,
Tina the Ballerina,
the Belle of Gay Paree!
Twirling twirling in a spin,
whirling whirling like the wind,
Tina the ballerina,
the Belle of Gay Paree!”
Oh my God! If you’re seven, and you hear this—you are in leetle gurl ECSTASY when this happens! Because Tina freaking KNOCKS THAT BALLET out! She dances like Jodie in Center Stage! Or the dancing body double for Jennifer Beals in Flashdance! TINA THE BALLERINA IS OFF THE CHAIN. She saves the ballet for the whole town! Because Tina believes. Tina believes she can do it.
And so she can.
Tina goes on to become the BEST BALLET DANCER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
Last known copy of this album known to man and sadly, I do not own it.
Yes, Tina is a prostitot. But to a seven year old, she is the PRETTIEST THING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN!
There is another record floating around which looks like this and which claims to be the same Tina the Ballerina, but it is not as good because this Tina is some kind of “parental approved, non-sexed up Tina with no makeup or boobs.”
In other words, this is the Fail Tina.
Because of Tina and that song (which by the way, I played over and over again until I drove my parents suicidal), I took ballet three days a week for seven years….
…until I turned fourteen, realized the prima ballerina was never going to get sick and so I was never going to get to take her place (especially since, to be totally honest, I’m no Tina–I’m a horrible dancer, and I don’t love doing it, either), and besides the toe shoes were making all my toenails fall off, which Tina never mentioned.
So I quit to pursue things I liked better, such as writing and boys.
But I’m glad we have Center Stage to rock those toe shoes for Tina and leetle gurls everywhere!
I give Center Stage two and a half tiaras, except I can’t make halves, so it’s going to look like three:
Here is the trailer to Fame, the next generation, coming to theaters in Fall 2009. I will be first in line to see it. All thanks to Tina!