Corona Princess Diaries Day 11
Hello, everybody! I hope you’re all still staying safe and healthy during this difficult time.
Entries from Princess Mia Thermopolis of Genovia’s diary* have fallen into my hands, and as the princess’s royal biographer, it’s my duty to share them with you!
*Please keep in mind that as with any diary, the princess is only recording her thoughts at the given moment, and has had no copy editing. Also, both the princess and I are aware that this is a serious and rapidly developing crisis.
I would like to thank health care workers, first responders, and everyone else out there working to keep us healthy, safe, and fed right now. If you’d like to help people who are in need during this crisis, I suggest supporting your local food bank. Find one here.
And if you like to read, please support your local indie bookstore (many will deliver books to your home) by ordering them here at BookStoreLink.
I hope you enjoy this eleventh FREE installment of The Princess Diaries – Quarantine Edition.
– Royal Bedroom-
Lilly just told me I’m working too hard.
“Come have some popcorn with me,” she said, “and watch Tiger King.”
Me: “Lilly, I know you’re trying to take care of me, but I don’t have time to watch a documentary. I have too much work to do. And if I did have time to watch a documentary about people who make extremely poor choices in life and then end up in jail, it would obviously be any of the many documentaries about the Fyre Festival, my favorite fraud of all time involving influencers.”
Lilly: “Fine. Then let’s watch Outbreak.”
Me: “Again, I have no time to watch movies, and if I did, it certainly wouldn’t be Outbreak.”
Lilly: “Oh, really? Why not?”
Me: “Because obviously, Night of the Comet starring Catherine Mary Stewart and Kelli Maroney as teen survivors of a worldwide apocalyptic event that has turned almost everyone else on earth into either zombies or dust is a far superior disaster movie.”
Then Lilly started arguing that I had no taste in apocalyptic films, so we made the following list (during which Tina Hakim Baba FaceTimed and added her own opinions):
Lilly, Mia, and Tina Hakim Baba’s List of Favorite Movies/Shows To Watch During a Pandemic or Really Any Time:
Lilly: Obviously War of the Worlds – both the Tom Cruise version, because he runs a lot and it’s always fun to see Tom Cruise running, and the new series on the Epix channel starring Elizabeth McGovern, because it’s hilarious to see Lady Cora from Downton Abby shooting guns during an alien invasion.
Mia: Wrong. Obviously the best disaster movie to watch right now is The Crazies starring Timothy Oliphant because a) zombies in a small town, and b) Timothy Oliphant is the sheriff of that small town. Although the ending is not my favorite.
Tina: Wouldn’t you rather watch something gentle and soothing, like Enchanted, in which a princess falls from her fairy tale world into ours and possibly falls in love with a commoner instead of her handsome prince, and there are cute kids and animals and a totally happy ending?
Lilly: Ugh, no. Let’s watch Armageddon, in which a giant meteor is hurtling towards the earth and NASA has to hire a rag tag band of oil drillers to land on the asteroid and split it apart and save the planet.
Mia: First of all, nothing that happens in that movie is realistic. I mean, I get it, that’s part of what’s fun about it – I too enjoy Owen Wilson, not to mention Bruce Willis, in just about everything. But if you want to watch a realistic disaster movie about an asteroid hitting the earth, obviously you should watch Deep Impact, which premiered the same summer as Armageddon, but was a much more accurate portrayal about such a crisis, plus starred Tea Leoni, the amazing actress from one of the best shows of all time, Madam Secretary, which we should all be watching right now instead of having this conversation.
Tina: Speaking of shows we should all be watching now, do you watch The Good Place? That’s a really great show about a woman who thinks she’s in heaven but actually—well, I won’t spoil it for you, but you should really watch it, the love story is so—
Lilly: Um, no, Tina, because I’d prefer to see Contagion, in which Gwyneth Paltrow is one of the first victims of a deadly virus and Kate Winslet a fearless epidemiologist determined to save lives! Plus Matt Damon has to battle food shortages and a teenaged daughter who doesn’t want to social distance. It’s basically the life we’re living now, only if we weren’t in a palace and the government was actually organized and semi-competent. Obviously I don’t mean YOUR government, Mia.
Mia: Thank you. But that is why I’d prefer to watch Anna and the Apocalypse – a much funnier version of almost the exact same story but with zombies AND it’s a musical AND it takes place at Christmas time.
Tina: Oh, that sounds fun. But if we’re talking musicals, I think I’d rather see Sing Street, that movie about the teenaged boy in Ireland who starts a band to impress a girl? It’s so sweet and funny . . . and since I’ve been watching the hilarious Derry Girls on Netflix, it sort of fits that same vibe.
Lilly: No, thanks. What about Carriers? How can you resist a hyper-realistic zombie road movie starring Piper Perabo from the ever-fabulous Coyote Ugly and Chris Pine who played your boyfriend in the second unauthorized bio-pic of your life, Mia?
Mia: Um, very easily, because instead I would watch Ozark starring Laura Linney and Jason Bateman, both of whom are great in everything. Jason Bateman was fantastic as a possible child-killer in The Outsider, too. And I love Laura Linney every time she introduces anything on Masterpiece Classic.
Tina: You know what else would be great for us to watch together? Cheer, the uplifting documentary about the struggles and successes of a college cheerleading team on their way to the big cheer competition in Daytona, Florida. You guys, I cried so many times while I was watching it . . . with joy.
Lilly: You know what would make me cry with joy? If we watched The Andromeda Strain, in which a deadly extraterrestrial microorganism falls to earth and begins killing everyone who comes into contact with it and a team of scientists have to figure out how to destroy it before it kills everyone on the planet. There’s a book, an extremely bad TV mini series, and a movie version!
Mia: Or we could just watch Attack the Block, in which the same thing happens but it’s actual aliens who begin attacking all the residents of a South London apartment complex, but only a young John Boyega (of Star Wars fame) and Jodie Whittaker (Dr. Who) know about it and try to stop them. It’s only one of my favorite movies of all time, but that’s okay.
Tina: Oh, you know what movie everyone enjoys that’s just like that? ET! How long has it been since you watched ET? In ET, a young alien falls to earth and some kids find him, and Mia, do you think the twins are too young to watch ET? I know Rocky and Olivia would like it.
Lilly: Oh, so we’re on movies that kids would like now? Then definitely Train to Busan where a guy takes his young daughter to visit her mom on her birthday, but there’s a zombie attack, so everyone on the train is getting killed, and the guy and his daughter have to battle zombies to stay alive.
Mia: That movie sounds totally inappropriate for young children! But if you like movies that take place on trains, then there is nothing better in the entire world than Bodyguard on Netflix, which starts out on a train. A British soldier with PTSD (SPOILER ALERT) saves everyone on the train and then becomes the VERY HOT bodyguard of the beautiful Home Secretary and then –
Tina: Oh, my God, I saw that one! I will agree with you about Bodyguard, Mia. That was literally the best series. I wish they’d make Bodyguard 2 starring me as the girl that that guy has to bodyguard.
Mia: Me, too! I mean – not really, I love my husband.
Tina: And I love my boyfriend! But that bodyguard –
Lilly: Would you two stop? What about Omega Man, about the last man (or is he?) left on earth after a zombie plague ravages the world? The original was so much better than the re-make, I am Legend, but only because—
Mia: Don’t even say it, we all know what happens to the dog, which is why I never saw it because I can’t stand it when bad things happen to animals in movies. EXCEPT of course for the movie John Wick. A terrible thing happens to the adorable puppy that John Wick’s wife gives to him, which is not a spoiler because it happens in the first few minutes of the film and is what propels John’s actions throughout the entire movie and the sequels that follow as well, but it’s okay because he —
Tina: This is why I always consult Doesthedogdie.com before watching any movie. And also why I love Crazy Rich Asians. I could watch that movie every single day, because no dogs die in it. Well, and other reasons, too. All the parts with Awkwafina? Those just soothe my heart.
Lilly: You know a movie where a lot of animals—but mostly people—die? Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Also Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. There are some really good performances in those, too, for people pretending to be apes.
Mia: That reminds me of another great documentary everyone should watch about people who blindly follow a charismatic leader, Wild Wild Country. If you’re the kind of person who wonders, “How does anyone get involved with a cult, anyway?” like I always do, this is exactly the documentary for you. It’s crazy what people will do just because they’re obsessed with a charismatic leader!
Tina: Um, not that I’m obsessed, but a good movie about someone charismatic is anything starring Ryan Gosling. Like Lars and the Real Girl which is my absolute favorite underrated sweetly sensitive romance, or Crazy, Stupid, Love? Where Ryan Gosling plays a lothario but really he’s just looking for the right girl and then suddenly Emma Stone comes along? But pretty much anything he’s in is good except of course for La La Land. I do not like the ending of that movie at all.
Lilly: You’re right. La La Land is probably the most frightening movie of all. Aside from Children of Men, based on the dystopian PD James novel about life after humans become infertile, in which Clive Owen has to smuggle a refugee out of the UK for mysterious reasons.
Mia: Oh, really? You think that’s more frightening than Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale, in which women become literal slaves because of their reproductive ability?
Tina: My favorite show about women and their reproductive ability these days is Call the Midwife! I love watching BBC period dramas, and those midwives from the 1950s and 60s wear the best clothes . . . plus all the babies are so cute! And there are tons of sweet romances. And diphtheria, of course.
Mia: I want to agree with you, but I just can’t get that excited about fighting robots. I’m watching Homeland right now because it’s the series finale and I really want to find out what happens to Cry Face Carrie Mathison after all these years of making poor romantic and career choices.
Tina: What I’m really enjoying watching right now besides Call the Midwives is Pamela Adlon’s Better Things on FX channel. It’s so gentle and calming and I cried at the sweetness of it during the wedding scene last week when she went to New Orleans . . . partly because Randy Rainbow was guest starring, of course. But also because of what’s happening in New Orleans, with the virus. It was handled so well. I want that show to be watched by everyone and win all the prizes.
Mia: Okay, Tina, your list wins.
Lilly: I’m a big enough person to say it does.
Tina: Oh thank you! Let’s all watch the new Emma together on pay per view when we get a chance.
Lilly: Or the new Invisible Man!
Three more days until Michael is out of self-isolation!
Come back for more entries in The Corona Princess Diaries soon!