Corona Princess Diaries Day 5
Hello, everybody! I hope you’re all staying safe and healthy during this difficult time.
Entries from Princess Mia Thermopolis of Genovia’s diary* have fallen into my hands, and as the princess’s royal biographer, it’s my duty to share them with you!
*Please keep in mind that as with any diary, the princess is only recording her thoughts at the given moment, and has had no copy editing. Also, both the princess and I are aware that this is a serious and rapidly developing crisis.
I would like to thank health care workers, first responders, and everyone else out there working to keep us healthy, safe, and fed right now. If you’d like to help people who are in need during this crisis, I suggest supporting your local food bank. Find one here.
And if you like to read, please support your local indie bookstore (many of whom will deliver books to your home during this crazy time) by ordering them here at BookStoreLink.
I hope you enjoy this fifth FREE installment of The Princess Diaries – Quarantine Edition.
Corona Princess Diaries Day 5
– Royal Bedroom –
Lilly is here!
She is currently spending floor time with the twins (which Dr. Khan says they need a lot of since they currently can only see their father on a screen or from a balcony), teaching them that a cow says moo.
I don’t want to brag, but my children already know that a cow says moo. My children know how to open my purse, take out my phone, and order pizza.
This is what I get for having babies with a genius.
But even though they’re in their terrible twos, Elizabeth and Frank love their auntie Lilly, and are tolerantly mooing back at her every time she waves the cow puppets she’s brought them. But inside, I’m sure they’re secretly plotting how to steal her phone.
“I still don’t understand what you’re doing here, Lilly,” I said.
“My brother is in quarantine and you, my sister-in-law, BFF, and the Princess of Genovia, are being sued.” Lilly made one of the cow puppets nibble at Elizabeth’s nose, which she tolerated, but you could tell it was only because she expected there might be pizza on the horizon. “How was I supposed to stay away?”
“I’m being sued?”
“Didn’t they tell you? God, I can’t believe how they try to protect you from things you really ought to know.” Lilly took her phone out – both twins alerted on it like border collies on a flock of sheep – pressed something, and handed it to me. “You’re being sued by your cousin Ivan and various other local Genovian business owners for depriving them of their right to earn an income.”
But it was true. An article on RateTheRoyals.com – a website I make it a point never to visit . . . anymore – listed all the ways in which I was despised by many of my own people, merely for being community-minded and trying to protect them from a deadly virus.
I couldn’t help saying a word that really oughtn’t be said in the hearing of children – at least not in front of a couple of two year olds who delight in repeating everything they hear.
“S—!” Elizabeth and Frank cried, excitedly. “S—, s—, s—, s—, s—, s—, s—, s—!”
“Jesus Christ,” Lilly said, staring at her niece and nephew in alarm. “When did they start doing that?”
“Since they learned how to talk.” To the twins, I said, “Hey, you two. Want some pizza?”
Their faces alight with joy, they cried, “Pizza! Pizza, pizza, pizza!”
“Oh, God,” Lilly said, even more alarmed. “That is frightening.”
“Go ask your Grandpere,” I said to the twins. “Grandpere would love to buy you some pizza.” I knew Dad would love to do no such thing, but he needed all the distractions he could get in order to move past his disappointment about the Grand Prix. Besides, he and Mom are besotted with the twins, and Mom in particular lets them walk all over her.
“Yay, pizzaaaaaaa,” cried the twins as they tumbled over one another in their haste to go find my mother and father.
“They’re more adorable than ever,” Lilly said after they were gone, although she didn’t sound like she really believed it.
“No, they’re little demons. But they’re my little demons, and my reason for existing. Except for your brother, of course.”
Lilly made the requisite gagging noises all sisters must make upon hearing their brother’s praises sung by his spouse, then held her hand out for her phone, which I gave back to her.
“Anyway, I came as soon as I could,” Lilly said. “Clearly you’re going to need a vigorous defense against these people, and I’m here to provide it.”
Lilly has passed the bar in numerous US states and of course here in Genovia, as well. It isn’t surprising to me that she pursued a career in litigation considering how much she’s always enjoyed arguing with people. Now she does it for money.
Me: “How did you even get into the country? I thought I’d closed all the borders.”
Lilly (smiling a secret smile): “I happen to have an in with the Genovian Royal Guard.”
I made my own gagging noises. Lilly and my bodyguard Lars have a friends-with-benefits thing going on that I try very hard to ignore.
“I honestly don’t think your services are going to be necessary,” I said, quickly changing the subject and pouring us both generous servings of wine. It’s much easier to access full bottles now that I’ve had a mini-fridge installed in my walk-in closet. What Michael will say about this when he gets out of self-isolation, I can only imagine. “Cousin Ivan will be dropping his lawsuit soon enough.”
“Oh, yeah?” Lilly took a big swig. “What makes you think so?”
“Because he was caught with one of his bars open the other night,” I explained.
“Oh, yes. He had all the window shades down and was only letting people in if they knew the secret password, but he posted the password online, so it wasn’t that much of a secret. A devoted patriot dropped a dime on him, and the cops shut the whole thing down in about half an hour.” I was actually a little proud of Ivan, since he’d clearly been shamed into the idea by what I’d said to him the other day. “He tried to tell the cops that it was a benefit to raise money for his employees. But even so, we couldn’t allow it, since every other bar is obeying the order to cease business. So the police closed him down.”
“Wow,” Lilly said, gulping more wine. “So what makes you think he’ll drop his lawsuit against you?”
“Because if he doesn’t, I’ll go public with the fact that he endangered public health. And then he’ll be kicked out of the Genovian Restaurant and Hotel Association. And he wouldn’t want that. It’s one of the oldest and most powerful leadership groups in Genovia.”
Lilly leaned forward to clink my glass with hers. “Well-played, Your Royal Highness.”
“Thank you. Like I told the Prime Minister,” I said, clinking back, “now is the time to be the sheriff from Jaws, not the mayor.”
“So true,” Lilly said, settling back into her chair. “Well, looks like I came all this way for nothing. I wonder what I’ll do now.” Her gaze strayed towards my bedroom door, outside of which Lars was prowling around somewhere, probably playing indoor soccer with Rocky.
I restrained an urge to vomit. “I’m sure you’ll think of someone. I mean something.”
Oh, no. The Prime Minister is calling. What could possibly have gone wrong now?”
Look for more of THE CORONA PRINCESS DIARIES tomorrow!