Corona Princess Diaries Day 3
Welcome, everybody! I hope you’re staying safe and healthy during this difficult time.
Entries from Princess Mia Thermopolis of Genovia’s diary* have fallen into my hands, and as the princess’s royal biographer, it’s my duty to share them with you.
*Please keep in mind that as with any diary, the princess is only recording her thoughts at the given moment, and has had no copy editing. Also, both the princess and I are aware that this is a serious and rapidly developing crisis.
I would like to thank health care workers, first responders, and everyone else out there working to keep us healthy, safe, and fed right now. If you’d like to help people who are in need during this crisis, I suggest supporting your local food bank. Find one here.
I hope you enjoy this third FREE installment of The Princess Diaries – Quarantine Edition.
Corona Princess Diaries Day 3
Grandmere (also known as the inFLUENZer) is demanding to know why the Royal Yacht Club is closed.
“Because, Grandmere,” I said. “In case you haven’t noticed, there is a global pandemic going on. Did you not read my proclamation closing all non-essential businesses?”
I handed her a copy but she only crumpled it up and tossed it aside without even reading it.
We just had the following conversation:
Grandmere: This is absurd. I go to the Royal Yacht Club every single day for lunch! Rudolfo, the maitre’d, knows me and always has my Sidecar ready for me the moment I walk in. And the chef has been preparing my lobster cobb salad exactly the way I like it for years!
Me: Well, too bad. The Yacht Club is closed, along with every other restaurant in the country. They’ll do takeout, though. Want me to phone in an order for you?
Grandmere (tossing her head so dramatically that her chignon almost collapses): Takeout? Royals don’t DO takeout, Amelia.
I could have given her plenty of examples when our family had, in fact, “done” takeout, including the InFLUENZer herself, but I’d learned from long experience not to argue with her—at least over small things.
With my grandmother, it’s always best to save the arguments for bigger things. Like her continuing to want to go out DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC, for instance.
Me: Fine. Well, we happen to have a royal chef. Would you like me to ask him to make you some lobster cobb salad?
Grandmere looked as horrified as if I’d suggested she go out in public without her lipstick on.
Grandmere: You can’t possibly expect me to stay cooped up in here, eating palace food every day.
She said “palace food” like someone else might say “prison food.”
Me: I can and I do. I shut down all the restaurants because of you, Grandmere. What were you even doing on the yacht yesterday? Someone caught you on video, you know, and posted it all over the Internet.
Grandmere (glaring): If you must know, I was dancing with Chad and Derek.
Me: Chad and Derek? Who are Chad and Derek?
Grandmere: They’re my new friends from Gainesville, Florida. They go to a very fine college there. It’s number one in the US.
Me: You mean the University of Florida? You were dancing with Spring Breakers from the University of Florida?”
Grandmere: Well, I wouldn’t know anything about them being Spring Breakers. They said they belonged to a fraternity, but whether or not they belonged to a band—
Me: Grandmere! You know perfectly well that Spring Break isn’t the name of a band. It’s when all the colleges go on vacation for the second semester! Why were you dancing with these boys you don’t even know? And by the way, the University of Florida is a fine institution, but it is not number one in the—
Grandmere: Because they asked me to, Amelia! I could hardly say no. It wouldn’t have been polite.
Me: Oh, I bet THEY were the ones who asked you to dance. They were just strolling along the marina, saw you and your friends on the Royal Yacht, asked you to dance, and the Royal Genovian Guard just let them onto the boat like it was any other gala to benefit the needy.
Grandmere: Those poor boys are needy, Amelia. Now that you’ve closed the borders, they have no way to get back to Florida. They were going to take the train to Paris to catch their flight home. Now they can’t. And because you’ve closed all the hotels, they have nowhere to stay here.
Me (not believing what I’m hearing): The borders are closed to people who want to enter Genovia. Anyone who wants to can leave. That was the whole point of the closure!
Grandmere: But it’s very, very cold in Florida right now. Poor Derek has asthma—although you wouldn’t know it to look at him, with those biceps.
Me (in shock): Grandmere. It is not cold in Florida right now. And are you honestly asking if these boys could come live here at the palace?
Grandmere: Of course not! I’ve already invited them. They’re getting their things from the hotel. They’re going to stay in—
I’d heard as much as I could stand. Grandmere has done some ridiculous things in her time, but this took the gateau.
Me: No. Absolutely not. You’re going to call them and tell them they are disinvited.
Grandmere: What? Amelia! I can’t do that. What kind of hostess would they think me if—
Me: I said no. No more inviting frat boys to the palace or dancing with them on my yacht, okay, Grandmere? You are a member of one of the most at-risk populations, you know, and you need to—
Grandmere: At risk population? What does that mean? What are you even saying, Amelia? Don’t try to talk to me like I’m one of your subjects. I’m your grandmother. I taught you everything you know about being a royal, and don’t you forget it!
Me: I’m saying that this is a serious crisis. My husband is in self-isolation because he may have come into contact with someone who has the virus, and he doesn’t want to spread it to us or the children. He’s making the ultimate sacrifice!
Grandmere: Well, that’s very noble of him. But I’m making a sacrifice, too, by offering my private quarters to two very young, very vulnerable students from a far away—
Me: OH MY GOD GRANDMERE! Fine, do you want me to say it? I’ll say it: You’re old! I don’t know how old since you’ve destroyed all copies of your birth records, but you brag about fighting with the Resistance during World War II as a teenager, so you have to be in your nineties, at least! In addition to which you smoke, drink what I can only call excessive amounts of hard alcohol, and you never, ever observe social distancing, most especially with strangers, all of which makes you in the most at-risk category of anyone I know. And because I care about you—but also because I care about my own family, especially my babies—I am ordering you to stay here in the palace, without any college boys to keep you company, and act like what you are — an elderly woman!
Grandmere’s drawn-on eyebrows had raised to their limits.
Grandmere: Elderly? You’re calling me ELDERLY, Amelia? How—how dare you?
Me: How dare I? Because I may be your granddaughter, but I am also your sovereign regent and your princess, and you will do as I say! Now get out of my room! I have work to do.
Grandmere gave another toss of her chignon—this time succeeding in dislodging it—and did as I asked, slamming the door behind her.
It wasn’t until just now that I realized she took my last bottle of Italian pinot grigio with her. Now I’m going to have to ring for more, which means the staff is going to notice my alcohol intake. UGH!!!!
Come back for the next entry of THE CORONA PRINCESS DIARIES tomorrow!