Runaway Book Tour, Day 1
I’m posting this as I jet across the country toward LA, tens of thousands of feet in the air, thanks to my Go Go in-flight Wi Fi service, which better work because I paid $12.95 for it, and my in-seat TV is broken, which is typical of my day so far, since I woke at six AM to catch what I thought was a ten AM flight only to find myself covered in feathers.
Except the reason for this was not because a vampire had ravished me in the night and had to bite a pillow to keep from devouring me, but because my husband’s cat had apparently spent the early morning hours engaged in unnatural activities with a small bird.
(Don’t worry, the bird didn’t die. It was alive the last time I saw it, where I put it behind a neighbor’s fenced yard so it could recover in safety from Gem, aka Slutty-McSlut-a-Lot, aka Mengele.)
Obviously, Gem was not happy that I took away her new toy. She expressed this disapproval in true cat-like form, by projectile vomiting.
A friend took this picture and for some reason Gem’s eyes appear to be two different colors, but they aren’t in real life. Also, Gem appears angelic and quite clean in this picture, when in reality her face is always dirty from engaging in what I can only assume is her part-time hobby of sucking on the exhaust pipes of parked cars.
While cleaning Gem’s vomit from his pants, He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog noticed something sticking out of Gem’s nose. “My God,” he said. “It’s a piece of grass. She has a piece of grass stick out of her nose.”
Since the last time we noticed grass sticking out of Gem’s nose, it took four hours, general anesthesia, and $300 to have it surgically removed, I took the opportunity to point out that I had a flight to catch in one hour and no time for something that I assumed was not bothering her too much, considering how she had apparently spent her evening.
“Look!” HWSNBNITB cried. “Look at how long this thing is!”
Without consulting either Google or me, He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog had pulled the blade of grass from Gem’s nose with his fingers in three seconds, without any anesthesia, and for zero dollars. He put the three inch blade of grass in a place of honor on that morning’s newspaper, classified section.
“Don’t throw it away,” he said. “We have to show it to everyone.”
Gem, now mortally offended, sought revenge by trying to eat her own vomit.
Choosing not to join in either the vomit-eating or the excessive celebration of successful blade-pulling, I instead checked to see if I had saved myself from Stark Enterprises. You can imagine my surprise at seeing that I had! What’s more, many Stark employees have come forward with their own tales of horror. Or not:
I then checked to see if my flight was leaving on time, only to find out it had never been leaving until noon in the first place, and that I’d gotten up at least two hours too early to begin with, and could have avoided all of the above (except the feathers, I guess).
If you missed any of my stops along my blog tour, here’s a nice round up of all of them (or almost all of them), along with a video of me answering 5 questions almost truthfully (I’m not quite done with Abandon. I still have some people to kill off).
But that shouldn’t make you afraid to join me for my Twitter party tomorrow night . . . not to mention my book signing at the Mission Viejo Library!
Hope I’ll see some of you there (or some of the rest of the events I have this weekend at the Huntington Beach Barnes and Noble, or the LA Times Book Festival)!
In the meantime, I’ll be giving Niecy and Kate* a hand with their choreography, hanging around Kitsons to see if I can catch a glimpse of Tori, and of course helping Sandra through this extremely trying time in her life (too bad I couldn’t bring Gem with me, since I’m sure in hand-to-hand combat with Jesse, Gem would win).
*Oh, I just saw Kate will not be needing my help with this. I was busy packing and watching Glee last night. So I will be helping to console her.