Sometimes, Bad Can Be Good
This past week He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog has been passing a bunch of kidney stones.
He already has a broken ankle.
So, living with him has been a little bit like living with one of those monkeys at the zoo. You know, the ones who look all cute and cuddly at first? But then when you get up close to the cage to take their picture…
…they throw their own poop at you.
That’s why updates to this blog have been a bit sporadic lately.
But it hasn’t been all bad:
Because at night after I’ve tucked him safely into bed, I’ve been watching some majorly bad TV movies. Like, so bad, they’re almost kind of good.
You think you have problems? Like your life is spinning out of control?
You obviously haven’t seen Kirstie Alley’s made-for-TV movie Family Sins.
This may just be the best bad movie ever made. I seriously can’t believe Kirstie Alley didn’t get an Emmy for this. She was totally robbed.
I have to admit I tuned in late, so the police were already banging on Kirstie’s door (Big Kirstie Alley, not Skinny Kirstie Alley. So I knew right away it was going to be good).
Kirstie was going, “Why are you here? I haven’t done anything!”
And I for one totally believed her, because, whatever, dude: It was Big Kirstie Alley! Just look at her! She looks so nice and squeaky clean!
But then the cops used bolt cutters to break a lock on a door in her basement.
Inside, sitting in the dark, was greasy-haired Chloe, aka Dr. Susan Lewis’s crackhead sister from ER!
I was so surprised! I was like, Big Kirstie Alley…how could you?
Then I found out the tag line for ‘Family Sins’ is The world saw them as the perfect family. The law found some perfect criminals.
Well, I guess so!
It turns out Kirstie Alley, who presented herself to the outside world as a responsible suburban mom and business woman (she was a landlady), was keeping Crackhead Chloe as a human slave!
Kirstie would make Crackhead Chloe fold all the towels, and then would only feed her every three days or so!
And that’s not all:
Kirstie also took away Crackhead Chloe’s daughter (this is all revealed right from the beginning in a flashback) and Crackhead Chloe’s daughter was the one who finally escaped (with her own kid) and called the cops (but not the cops in town, because they were all Kirstie’s friends)!
There were also some crazy rapey things going on with Kirstie’s sons and husband (so it was totally unclear to me who the father of Crackhead Chloe’s daughter was. But the words “Secret Santa” in Big Kirstie’s house must have taken on a whole new meaning)!
Also, Kirstie adopted dozens of foster children and turned them into an army of little shoplifters! She also recruited them to break into the homes she rented out and steal stuff from her own tenants that she would then sell at yard sales at her own house!
And then she’d burn her own rental properties down for the insurance money!
Kirstie was like a modern day Fagin from Oliver Twist…only in Juicy Couture sweat pants! Size 16!
Here’s a clip to show you how completely awesome Kirstie Alley is in this film:
Obviously this is the best Bad Movie ever made….
…especially since it’s based on a true story.
Oh, shut up. You knew that was coming. Yes. It’s a true story. On crystal meth. And I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
In fact, you can’t go onto a message board (IMDB, Lifetime, what have you) without finding posts there written by actual members of the actual family portrayed in this movie, saying it was way worse in real life than the movie shows!
I was kind of torn over which was my favorite part. It might have been when Crackhead Chloe said, “Say hi to Kenny!” (her rapist, against whom her daughter was about to testify in court).
Seriously. THE BEST.
But probably the best (by which of course I mean the worst) part of the whole movie is when Kirstie Alley is awaiting trial in jail, and she just watches as her own daughter gets the snot beat out of her by a bunch of other lady prisoners.
The daughter is screaming (cue Southern accent): “Mama! Mama, help! Help, Mama, help!”
And Kirstie doesn’t do anything. She just smiles off into the distance, and gnaws on a chicken leg.
Okay, it’s possible I’m only imagining the part about the chicken. But that would have been so awesome.
But the smile is still great, even without the chicken bone.
See Family Sins as soon as you can. It will cure whatever ails you.
PS All monkey and chicken products pictured on this post can be purchased at my favorite site to visit whenever I’m feeling blue, Archie McPhee.