Some Things I’ve Been Reading* And Watching
Since getting home from Brazil I’ve been really tired, as you can probably imagine. Who wouldn’t be after all those crazy but fun signings; the party bus; the monkeys…
…then coming home to get a flu shot that has caused my arm to inflate like a piñata; all the work I have to catch up on; unpacking and reading all your wonderful cards and letters…
And now repacking because I have to leave on Sunday for a Totally Important Business Trip in Alabama.
Plus my cat, who won’t shut up.
But here are some things I’ve been reading* and some things I’ve been watching. You know, in between gigantic loads of laundry:
How could I miss Kathy Griffin’s new book, Official Book Club Selection (even though I know all these people who are scandalized because she got a $2 million dollar advance for it)?
Kathy’s problems are way bigger than mine—her husband tried to gamble away her money, and her brother was a pedophile. That makes me feel better about myself. Here is my $32.00, Kathy.
Next, I’m going to read this:
David Cross doesn’t make me feel better about my problems the way Kathy Griffin does, but he is dating Amber Tamblyn, which is dishy because he’s like twice her age.
Plus, he’s the guy who played the Never Nude in Arrested Development, and also various characters on Mr. Show, including Ronnie from the musical version of Cops, Fuzz.
So, for those reasons alone, I will read anything he ever writes.
Oh, I also bought this book:
Because the trailer for it cracks me up (but DO NOT CLICK ON IT, because the song will be stuck in your head all day).
You clicked on it, didn’t you? I warned you.
Oh, I also bought a book by Mindy Kaling (you know, Kelly from The Office). She co-wrote a play called Matt and Ben, about Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, and how they wrote Good Will Hunting. Then she starred in it. I wish I had seen it.
Anyway, there are a bunch more books I’m going to read if any of my three planes to or from Alabama break down, especially Dan Brown’s new book, The Lost Symbol, so I’ll know what everyone is talking about. I hate being out of the loop.
I’m especially sad about the latter because Jeff Bezos, the head of Amazon, took down his letter about how closely Amazon was guarding their copies of The Lost Symbol….
…which sucks as I was inspired to work on improving the letter for him. Even though it’s too late now, since the book is already out, I want to share it with you.
Mr. Bezos–also, Mr. D. Brown–you don’t have to thank me! I did this completely for free and out of love for Mr. Brown’s priceless work–due in stores September 15, completely coincidentally the same day as a certain other book known as Allie Finkle’s Rules for Girl’s #4 Stage Fright was due in stores!
So when you’re in there buying the adventures of the dashing Professor Robert Langdon, you might just want to wander over to the children’s section and pick up this other fantastic work!
Amazon Da Vinci Code Security Letter (as improved by Meg Cabot):
Dear Da Vinci Code Fans,
The Da Vinci Code sold 80 Million copies in 51 languages. Now, after five years of work, Dan Brown is unveiling his new novel, The Lost Symbol.
The contents of this book remain such a deep secret that Amazon is keeping their stockpile under 24-guard in its own chain-link enclosure, with two locks requiring two separate people for entry….
…as well as Cerberus, the multi-headed hell hound, guarding the people who are guarding the entry.
Not to mention the Hydra of Lernaean, a serpent-like chthonic water beast whose poisonous breath was so virulent even her tracks were deadly, guarding Cerebus.
Amazon is confident that with the stockpile under 24-hour guard in its own chain-link enclosure, with two locks requiring two separate people for entry, as well as Cerberus and the Hydra of Lernaean guarding the people who have the keys, copies of Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol will not get out before the release date, thus keeping Robert Langdon’s latest intrepid adventure unspoiled for you, the reading public.
But just in case someone does slip past Amazon’s chain link fence, locks, Cerberus, and the Hydra, Amazon is prepared to hunt down anyone who steals copies of The Lost Symbol using trained chupacabras.
Yes, chupacabras, the legendary cryptoid rumored to inhabit parts of the Americas and to drink the blood of livestock, will track down anyone who steals copies of The Lost Symbol (or posts a PDF of it online) before the release date, find them, puncture their jugular vein, and drain them of their life’s blood.
In this way, no one will survive to spoil handsome yet intellectual Robert Langdon’s next exciting tale.
You can depend on us, America!
Did you like that? I think it had a certain flair that the original letter lacked.
Anyway, I’m always happy to do what I can to help.
I just wish Amazon had come to me, a professional writer, first!
I hope all of you are watching Glee, which kind of flagged towards the middle but then got really good, and that you also saw the premiere of House (I wish that show were always set in a mental institution).
Just whatever you do, do NOT watch the horrible movie I saw on the way back from Brazil, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.
Really, Hollywood? Why don’t you just throw up on me next time and get it over with.
Personally, I recommend instead you see the Showtime documentary Battle of the High School Musical, Guys ‘n Divas.
Because it’s like Glee, only for REAL. Set in Southern Indiana near where I grew up (but my school had nowhere near as much money for arts as the schools in this documentary! At least not when I was there), it shows three different high school drama/arts departments struggling to put on their school musical, from auditions to opening night.
How much do I love the story of one student who began praise dancing (after slamming another boy’s head into concrete and hospitalizing him for two months)? Docudrama gold, baby.
And what about Floyd Central High School, where they put on a show called “Zombie Prom,” and where one of the male leads almost had to quit when….
Well, I don’t want to spoil it for you. But it has to do with a 14 foot python.
Seriously, people. It’s Indiana. You can’t make this stuff up. (My drama director used to throw her Bic lighter at us when we got a line wrong. I swear.)
Oh, and before I forget, don’t miss Appaloosa, starring Ed Harris and Viggo Mortenson.
I know what you’re thinking: Ed Harris? Seriously?
But stop right there. Viggo Mortenson was VERY VERY NAKED (FULL FRONTAL!!!) in Eastern Promises, a movie that scored VERY VERY HIGH on the Best Movie Ever Approval Rating (Romance, Action, Hot Guys With Guns, and Viggo Mortenson Full Frontal Naked. In fact I would give Eastern Promises three HUGE tiaras).
Sadly, only Renee Zellweger is naked in Appaloosa…and it’s through a telescope from super far away, in this pivotal scene. You don’t really see anything:
For which I suppose we should be thankful. Because, you know. It’s Renee Zellweger, who claims she can’t gain weight for Bridget Jones 3 because it’s “too hard” on her body.
Really, Renee? I could gain 30 pounds in three minutes with a bag of Oreos, some Ding Dongs, and a twelve pack of Coke.
However, Appaloosa was still an excellent, excellent movie, scoring very high on the approval rating!
This movie was based on the bestselling Western by Robert B. Parker who writes the Spenser series, one of my favorite mystery series of all time.
Watching Appaloosa, I remembered why I had liked the book so much: Viggo Mortenson and Ed Harris are super hot (although older) gunslingers for justice.
Also, they’re funny (but not slapstick. This wasn’t Lethal Weapon, which is good, but a totally different style of movie). They’re violent, but with good reason, and the romance was deliciously complicated.
All in all, I give Appaloosa three tiaras. I’m going to be buying the sequels to the book of Appaloosa, Resolution and Brimstone, and I’ll be reading them someday, along with all the other books I’m totally going to be reading someday.
If they got made into movies, I’d watch them someday too.
When my friend Beth called me to ask, “Wasn’t Appaloosa good?” I only had one thing to say about this film: “I would like to be in a Viggo Mortenson and Ed Harris sandwich.”
*I swear I’m totally going to read these books when I have time.