I know, right? Everything is going wrong! Your hair looks terrible, you haven’t finished the chapter you have due, and you made the mistake of weighing yourself. And why is the tip of your nose always so red?
But don’t worry. At least you haven’t missed the latest episode of Read Our Lips. It’s still up, and it’s definitely the best and most useful segment yet: What to do if one of your guy friends asks you out!
Today I got dragged to Publix grocery store by the “guy friend” I ended up marrying (danger, girls! This can end up happening if you date friends)!
He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog loves Publix and goes there at least once a week (though to be fair, he goes to the smaller, independent, family-run grocery in our neighborhood at least once a day).
My favorite thing about Publix (besides everything) is their cake decorating department. They have a huge “cake bible” where you can stand while your husband is doing the horrible boring shopping. There you can pick out the cake you want for your next birthday party.
Seriously, it’s actually someone’s job to sit around and come up with different themed cakes to put into the cake bible at Publix. Think about this. What an awesome job! I’d like that job.
This isn’t actually as special now that there are shows like “Ace of Cakes.” But keep in mind this is just a chain grocery stores’ bakery department. It’s not a specialty shop. They really do claim they can make these cakes. I’ve never tried any (I’ve got a wheat intolerance thing going on so I couldn’t have any anyway) but I want to order one just to see if they could actually make them, because I’ll be honest: I have my doubts.
Here are some of my favorites:
This is the Disney Friend Signature Fairy Cake:
So you can throw up in multiple colors after eating it!
This is the Disney Princess Light Up cake:
It includes a “light” that goes under the skirt of the princess of your choice. Make sure you don’t eat the light (or the plastic skirt)!
Obviously, the Disney Princess Square Castle Super Sized Signature Cake is my favorite:
Someone better get me this cake someday (gluten-free, of course). Obviously, there are lot of pieces you could choke on if you were five or whatever. But I’m not, so who cares? And the best part is, afterwards, you’ll have Princess Ariel, Jasmine, Belle, Aurora, Snow White, and Cinderella figurines to treasure.
Or you could get a cake featuring Amy Adams from the movie “Enchanted.”
I wonder if Amy has ever gotten this cake herself. It would be weird to get a cake of yourself. Although you can do THAT at Publix, too, probably.
This cake is just called “Princess.”
It’s a boring cake. But on the plus side, you could wear the tiara after you’re done eating it, if you don’t mind having frosting in your hair.
This cake is called “Princess Pull-apart,” which is an interesting concept when you think about what happened to Marie Antoinette.
When I was a kid, I always wanted a cake like this:
It’s kind of gross though when you think about the fact that you’re eating a lady’s bottom half.
This is just called Bear Cake Basic:
This cake totally scares me. Can you imagine giving this to some kid? I’d start screaming if someone presented me with this cake and I was like 5 or whatever. This cake and clowns are both completely scary, and yet people persist in having both at kids’ parties.
If your friends got you this, I would advise finding new friends immediately:
Not funny at all. And what’s with the people not wearing clothes? PsYcHo.
And I seriously don’t think it’s OK to eat the symbol on which your savior was crucified:
I don’t even know what to say about this:
This is the kind of cake your dad would get you because he’s overcompensating out of guilt for never having been involved in your party before and one year your mom was like, “Let HIM take some responsibility and be in charge for once in his life!” and the people at Publix would convince him this was the hottest selling cake (but really it’s just the most expensive).
And he’d unveil it at your birthday party, and you’d feel so sorry for him for being so clueless as to think Spiderman is still cool you’d be like, “No, Dad, I love it. It’s really neat.”
But secretly you’d be embarrassed (but there’d be one kid at your party who never got a big cake who’d be like, “That’s the coolest cake EVER!” and then you’d feel a little better about it).
Okay, that cake above was sad. But this cake totally cheered me up!
I totally want a dinosaur cake with lava coming out of it.
This cake makes me even happier:
Soon they’ll have a Twilight cake but for now we have to settle for Johnny Depp:
But seriously, if I were going to have one of these cakes, it would have to be this one:
Yes! Now THAT is a cake!
(Ha, I’m kidding, I just can’t believe they have a monster truck cake).
Okay, I have to go now. For some reason I’m getting kind of hungry….