The Worst Movie of the Year (So Far)
It’s finally here! The second to last day of the year.
What a year it’s been, right? Thanks so much for sticking through it with me! We’ve been through so much together this year, haven’t we?
Britney’s long recovery from her breakdown….
So many housewives….
Some of us having to go gluten free….
That icky thing with Miley and her dad….
Princess Mia starting her own blog…
A few book releases….
And finally, who can forget Spaghetti Cat?
As the year winds down, we get closer to several momentous events:
A certain tiara auction that’s just about to begin…
Some book releases (the reviews are starting to arrive….)
A book trailer contest, the entries to which are still pouring in….
The release of The Switchblade Kittens’ Princess Diaries’ themed album, Rebel Princess (click here to download a FREE copy of the first release from the album, Sneaky Sock Eater)!
A sold-out event in New York City (but remember the waiting list)!
It’s all so exciting!
And what might be best of all is…I’ve finally seen it: The worst movie of the year.
Honestly, I thought it was going to be Mr. Woodcock, which I know technically is a movie from last year, but I saw it this year, because I am approximately a year behind in everything, so I’m counting it as a 2008 movie.
I was really looking forward to Mr. Woodcock, because it’s about a guy whose mother is dating his teacher, and if you know anything about the Princess Diaries series, you know it was inspired when my mother started dating one of my teachers (they are now living together, a fact which makes me throw up a little in my mouth every time I think about it).
My mom dating my teacher was so disturbing to me when it first happened, I had no choice but to start keeping a journal about it, because as those of you who keep a journal know, writing is much more effective at getting out your emotions than shooting someone (no mandatory jail time), and it’s cheaper than therapy.
When I finished the journal (which eventually turned into a book) and showed it to my friends, they all went, “Well, this would be good…if the girl wasn’t thirty…and if something actually happened in it other than the girl’s mom dating her teacher.”
(Sometimes, if you choose them wisely, your friends can give you valuable advice about your writing. However, you must drop all sycophants and haters immediately.)
So I made the girl in the book fourteen instead of thirty, and threw in the whole princess part (it was that or an alien invasion. My friends felt the princess thing would be more realistic).
Many readers are fixated on the princess thing in the books, but actually, the entire series is about a girl whose mom dates, then marries, then has a baby with her teacher. If you read Forever Princess, you will discover that something even worse than her mom dating her teacher happens to Mia at the end.
“Worse,” to Mia, is relative, of course.
So I was very excited when I heard Mr. Woodcock was coming out. I thought: “Finally, someone who understands me!” Maybe now I’ll have a catharsis, and I’ll be able to quit therapy!
However, Mr. Woodcock was greatly disappointing. In the end, the hero learned that Mr. Woodcock was actually a kind and giving person, who loved his mother very much.
Um…excuse me? Where is the catharsis in that? I could have written that. I wanted to see Seann William Scott hit Mr. Woodcock in the head with a shovel, then bury him in the backyard. What gives? I want my $4.95 back. WORSE MOVIE EVER!
Blows. Because it tries to be heartwarming!
Then the other night, I saw it. This year’s worst movie (so far): The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Or, as I will now refer to it in my review here, The Curious Case of Benjamin Butthead.
This is the worst movie I have seen all year, possibly ever, and I would like to point out that I just watched The Women. Also, Smart People (or, as I like to call it, Stupid People Who Won’t Shut Up (Except the Brother From Wings, Who I Liked).
What I can’t understand is why, during a showing of Benjamin Butthead, a man shot another man for talking. If I had a gun during a showing of this movie, I’d have turned it upon myself. This movie is THREE HOURS LONG!!!! IT WOULDN’T END!!!! And Brad Pitt is only hot for about TWENTY MINUTES OF IT!!!!!
Still not hot.
Severely not hot.
When is this thing going to end????
And nothing happens in the entire movie except for one boat/submarine battle that lasts approximately five minutes, and seven lightning strikes that last about two seconds each.
Benjamin, unlike Forrest Gump (who by the way was supposed to be retarded), doesn’t inadvertently invent anything, save anyone’s life, or run across the country and back multiple times. He just has a lot of sex. BIG DEAL. Anyone can do that.
And what does Benjamin Butthead learn (or teach us) from his weird experience of growing up (or down) backwards? NOTHING.
I learned more from Mr. Woodcock, frankly. And that is that I should
just stay in therapy get to know my mom’s boyfriend instead of hitting him in the back of a head with a shovel because he is kind to her and makes her happy.
In conclusion, this holiday season, go see Marley and Me. I haven’t seen it yet, but how can it be bad? It stars these two and a dog.
And now: The Ten Best Cat Videos of 2008. Agree? Disagree? Discuss amongst yourselves.
Happy New Year!