The Four Elements Hate Me
The rumors are true! Sometimes I do feel down. Especially after a crummy day like yesterday turned out to be.
I know people don’t believe it, because I am so naturally sunny and upbeat. Even the emergency room doctor who had to deal with me when I broke out into all those hives that one time (see the Queen of Babble Gets Hitched video) was like, “I’d give you a prescription for a mood stabilizer, but you seem like you’re in such a good mood already, in spite of the disfiguring rash covering your entire body….”
—Author’s Note: I was not in a good mood. But I didn’t see any reason to take it out on a poor ER doctor who had nothing to do with getting me into the state I was in in the first place.
I just don’t like to burden strangers with the Many Moods of Meg. I save that for my friends and family (thanks for being there, guys!).
But when I get some of your emails and letters, I can’t help feeling better! Like, I just read some of your nominations for that Queen of Teen thing, whatever it is…and can I just say, Awwww! You guys are too nice.
And now that the nominations for Teen of Queen are in, voting has started. Since you’ve already been so kind as to nominate me, I hope it wouldn’t be too much to ask you to go here to cast your vote…would it?
So, anyway, yesterday…where to begin ? I was basically victimized by all four elements. During the course of running ordinary errands, I almost got struck by lightning (fire), I developed a UTI (apparently from sitting too long in the pool over 4th of July weekend, so water), my latest disfiguring rash turned out to be from an ant bite (earth), and the water pressure thingie on my bath tub broke so now when I turn the water on, the air trapped in the valve makes a terrible moaning noise like EEEAAAAAARRRRRRGHHH that is so loud it causes Henrietta to flatten her ears back and run to the other side of the house every time I bathe (air).
Oh, and I got called to jury duty…AGAIN.
Milla Jovovich, the Fifth Element, also known as Jury Duty
I’m not sure what’s going on (I blame Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel for breaking up and throwing the earth’s chi out of alignment).
And okay, yes, some good things happened—I was eating Chinese food for lunch and I realized my gyno’s office was right down the block from the restaurant (so convenient and forward thinking of my gyno), and I was like, “I’m going to go in there and see if they can check me out,” right between the hot and sour soup and the shrimp in lobster sauce, leaving He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog going, “What? WHERE are you going? What’s going on?”, and they did, and I got a prescription (is this an overshare? Well, shut up, we’re all human here) on the spot without even having an appointment, which was AWESOME!!!!
I was back in time for the next course and then fortune cookies (which I couldn’t eat, but mine said something like, “You are very pro-active” (in bed) and I was like, “Damn straight! Now let’s go to the pharmacy to get some Cipro and Uristat, baby, pronto!”)
Oh, and then thanks to reader Mallory, I found out Avalon High is a 2008-2009 Eliot Rosewater nominee! How fantastic is that? This is an Indiana book award so it’s extra cool, being that I am a Hoosier and still own a house in Indiana, and where I frequently go back to partake in Hoosier heritage and Indiana stuff such as
driving my Ford Hybrid Escape around my property without a license eating corn.
Sarah S., say it isn’t so!
And people who’ve been asking me why I never come to their country? Well, if you live in England, Sweden, South Africa, Hong Kong, Singapore, or Thailand, you’ll be able to come see me (Brazil…you’re next, when I hit the Bienal do Rio de 2009). Click here to see the tentative UK, Sweden, and South Africa schedule…tentative because although the book festivals and public signings are pretty much set in stone, everything else is TOTALLY UP IN THE AIR!
Still, even if things KIND of turned out okay yesterday, I do know one thing: No way am I leaving the house again, not even to see the new Batman movie, Dark Knight, this weekend. It’s just too risky.
Instead I am going to stay home and read some funny books, like Michael Ian Black’s My Custom Van And Other 50 Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face, because obviously I need to read something hilarious after the week I’ve had (and it’s only Tuesday), battling the four (or possibly five) elements.
Wish me luck.