Queen of Babbling
Thank you! Oh my gosh, because of all of you, Queen of Babble Gets Hitched hit #20 on the New York Times hardcover bestseller list! That is just too fabulous for words!
But because I’m the original queen of babble, of course I have some words anyway: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
And for those of you asking if there’ll be a fourth book featuring Lizzie Nichols, well, right now there are no plans for one. The only storyline I can think of is that Lizzie writes a book about her life called Queen of Babble, and someone makes a movie of it, and her exes find out about it, and sue her.
Only I don’t think that would make a very good story, do you????
Okay so I just want to tell you that when I went to Ft. Lauderdale on Monday to do the satellite media tour for Queen of Babble Gets Hitched, HarperCollins put me up at the St. Regis, and my room, which was a super fancy suite overlooking the ocean (think Kate Winslet’s bedroom in Cameron Diaz’s house in the film The Holiday, with the remote control lights and curtains and everything) came with a BUTLER.
(Photo of my actual room, or one just like it.)
I have never had a butler before so to be honest I wasn’t sure what to do with mine. But he wouldn’t go away, and he seemed like he really wanted to do something.
So I gave him the dress I was going to wear on TV the next morning to iron. And he DID IT! It was so AMAZING!!!! I WANT A BUTLER ALL THE TIME NOW!!!
Anyway, after he finally left, I got into my enormous St Regis tub which looked exactly like this:
(my actual St Regis tub, or photo of one just like it.)
I was soaking in there with all the spa magazines they give you, having a fabulous time just zoning out and pampering myself when I heard all this booming and I swear I thought there was some kind of terrorist attack even though it was ten at night, and I put my fluffy robe and slippers on and hit the button to open my curtains and I saw this outside my windows!
(actual photo of storm at sea out my window, or one just like it.)
Yes! It was a full on storm at sea! And it went on ALL NIGHT LONG! Crackle! And then BOOM! So loud it made the walls shake!
And the surf raged outside my windows, just yards away on the beach below! I kept thinking about the wide Sargasso sea and Mr. Rochester and his crazy wife Bertha and I was sure we were all going to be killed, only not by a crazy woman, by a STORM!
I tried to go to sleep but it was hard with all the BOOMING of the thunder. It seemed like almost no time went by before my BUTLER was bringing my tea as part of my wake up call (YES! I SO WANT A BUTLER. Only not one who wakes me up so early)!!!!
(Photo of actual tea brought by St Regis butler, or one almost like it.)
Then I was off to do my media satellite tour which was, you know, every shade of stressful because basically you get your hair and makeup done (that’s the fun part!!!!) but then you have to be miked up and sit in this tiny room facing a big camera that you look into but you don’t see anyone. You just see a note card that says RICK and then a voice comes in your ear and RICK starts asking you questions about your book and for two minutes you’re on the air with RICK in SCOTTSDALE or where ever (RICK and his viewing audience can see you but you can’t see RICK) and then the notecard (held by the cameraman) changes and then it says TINA and for two minutes you’re on the air with TINA in GREENSBORO and TINA asks you the exact same questions as RICK did and you do this for four hours with however many newscasters on their local news shows as you’ve been booked for. Basically, it’s like a press junket. You stay in the same room, and the reporters change, but it’s all done by remote.
The only problem was there was NO GLUTEN FREE FOOD at the studio except grapes. Also melon slices but I hate melon except watermelon.
If you are new to this blog, you may not know that a few months ago I was diagnosed with celiac disease which is an autoimmune disease where you can’t eat wheat, barley malt, or rye, or your body will stop absorbing nutrients (it’s genetic, and very common. Currently they suspect 1 out of 100 people have it, most undiagnosed). The “cure” may sound easy enough—just stop eating wheat, barley malt, and rye—but it hasn’t turned out to be easy AT ALL, because there is wheat, barley malt, and rye in things you would never suspect, such as soy sauce, Rice Crispies cereal, movie theater popcorn (which totally sucks because I LOVE MOVIE THEATER POPCORN), cheese dip (wheat flour is added as a thickener), beer, the glue on the back of envelopes, imitation crab found in California rolls, commercial salad dressing, almost everything that is fried, many flavors of Doritos, the list goes on and on, but basically if I like it, it has wheat or barley malt in it (I’ve always hated rye so that’s been no problem).
So you have to read the ingredients on EVERYTHING, ask the waiter (who usually doesn’t know, and often makes you feel like you’re Sally from When Harry Met Sally, tiresomely asking for everything on the side), or look it up on the Internet before you put it in your mouth, unless it’s like, an apple.
So by the end of my four hours in the studio I was starving and ready to get to the airport, where I had my usual two hour wait for my flight, but I wasn’t worried because airports in Florida always have the one thing celiacs CAN eat….
…MEXICAN FOOD!!!! Yes, viva la TACO! Because celiacs can eat anything made with CORN such as corn chips and corn tortillas which means NACHOS. Mmmmm just thinking about delicious nachos is making me hungry right now.
I was quite excited when I got to the Ft. Lauderdale airport because I knew they had a Chilis and I knew Chilis has nachos and stuff.
Only guess what? ALL THEIR NACHOS ARE MADE WITH WHEAT FLOUR, not corn. In fact, every single thing on Chilis’ menu except the salads (with no dressing) and the baked potato (with nothing on it) and the hamburgers (with no buns) and steaks (with no sauce) have gluten in them (good thing I ordered and ate the chili thinking it would be gluten free. But it turns out it’s not. I checked their website. AFTER I ATE IT).
FATE KICKING MY BUTT AGAIN (because I used to think my best friend was faking being allergic to my cat. I thought the REAL reason she wouldn’t spend the night at my house was because we didn’t have air conditioning and she did, so we always had to spend the night at HER house. Now fate’s karmic retribution is that I have an autoimmune disorder that makes it so I can’t eat ANY of the foods I love)!!!!
There is good news though: I got to have a butler for a night!
Oh, and Queen of Babble Gets Hitched is number 20 on the New York Times bestseller list right now!
Did I mention the film rights for the Queen of Babble series have been optioned by Sharp Independent Films, and Kristin Bell of Veronica Mars and Forgetting Sarah Marshall has agreed to play Lizzie Nichols???
YAYYYYY!!!! I love her.
So eat a hot dog (WITH A BUN) and some ice cream (IN THE CONE) for me this July 4th and celebrate!!!!