Meg Previews the Summer Movies
It is really freaking boring here in the country, and since I know you’ve already gotten your copies of Airhead since the online retailers all started selling them this weekend, and you’re probably busy reading, I decided to compile this guide to the summer’s big new movies for you…or at least the ones I felt like writing about, now listed in no particular order, and previewed the right way…the Meg Cabot way:
Speed Racer May 9
This is kind of embarrassing, but when I was a tween, I fell in love with Speed Racer. Seriously, I thought a cartoon character was hot. I used to wish I was Trixie, and would have impure thoughts about what I would do to Speed Racer if I were alone with him in the garage. It was sick.
So, naturally, I am totally going to see this movie, but not for the same reason everyone else is. I’m glad Christina Ricci is playing Trixie, because she’s a bit of a dirty girl, like me (oh, whatever, if you’ve read She Went all the Way, you know I’m a dirty girl). That’s the only reason she agreed to do this movie (well, maybe the money had something to do with it. But not totally).
Dirty, dirty girls.
Weirdly, this appears to be a kid’s movie. How am I going to sneak into it and think impure thoughts about a cartoon character if there are a bunch of kids there? I might have to wait for the DVD.
Sex and the City the Movie, May 30
I know the rumors are that Mr. Big and Carrie break up and Miranda and Steve’s marriage runs into a snag in Sex and the City. Let’s hope if this is true, they all get back together by the end (yes, I’m a Mr. Big fan. I have seen every Law and Order episode he was in 5 times at least and I still watch them when they come on TNT. And when my friend who went to the same gym as Chris Noth used to call and go, “He’s here!” I’d go, “What’s he doing now????” and make her stay on the phone while she’d stalk him and describe in great detail exactly what he was doing: “Now he’s getting a sip of water! Now he’s talking to his trainer! Now he’s looking at me! Oops, he’s calling the cops! Gotta go!”).
Made of Honor May 2
Made of Honor seems like a remake of My Best Friend’s Wedding except with the sexes are reversed. I don’t really care, because it has Patrick Dempsey in it. But if I were Patrick’s agent I’d advise him to take some meatier roles. Like something where he could wear a Revolutionary war uniform that he has to peel off because he gets really sweaty from battle, and has to show his extremely built up biceps while he bathes himself in a river. Yeah! That would be worth ten fifty.
Iron Man May 2
I have the biggest crush on Robert Downey Jr. so I can’t wait for Iron Man which is about a billionaire playboy who gets kidnapped by terrorists and told to build this secret weapon he’s invented (or something, I’m basing all this on the trailer).
Instead he builds some kind of super suit and blows the terrorists up. Then he goes around fighting evil in the suit. Or whatever. Who cares, really? The point is, it’s Robert Downey, Jr., who used to be addicted to drugs but is clean now, but you can still see the crazy in his eyes, and that always makes his performances (Restoration, Home for the Holidays, Zodiac) exciting, because you never know when he might just pull down his pants. Granted they will probably save that for for the DVD extras, but I will be there opening day just in case they forget to edit it out from the final cut.
The Incredible Hulk June 13
Didn’t The Incredible Hulk already just come out a few summers ago? Yes, it did, but Ed Norton is playing Dr. Bruce Banner in this one. But Ed Norton is mad at the way this version was cut and won’t do press. I’m mad, too, Ed. Mad that they made this instead of a movie featuring a female superhero such as Wonder Woman or Batgirl or Susannah Simon. Keep the faith, Ed.
Wanted June 27
Actually, there IS a movie coming out featuring a female superhero-esque heroine…played by Angelina Jolie. It’s called Wanted. So maybe there is hope, Ed.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull May 22
Of course I’m going to be in line to see this the very first day this comes out, because, hello, KAREN ALLEN is coming back to the Indiana Jones franchise. I know we’re supposed to be excited about Harrison Ford and SHIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAH as my 21 year old neighbor E. calls him, but I am more excited that they’re bringing Marion Ravenwood back to the series because I LOVED her in Indiana Jones and the Ark of the Covenant. She was such a badass and I worshiped her!!! When that movie came out in the theaters (yes, I am that old) I used to try to get my mom to do my hair the way Marion’s was (single ponytail braid).
Anyway, I can’t wait for this movie just to see how Marian is wearing her hair now and I think it’s fantastic they’re bringing her back instead of making Indiana hook up with Megan Fox or someone (not that I don’t like Megan Fox, but let’s face it, she belongs with Shia, not Harrison Ford). GO KAREN ALLEN!!!!! Author’s note: If they kill Marion off in this movie, I swear I will go Iron Man on someone.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian May 16
I freaking loved the Narnia books when I was a kid…until I got to the last one and found out what happened to Susan, just because she happened to like lipstick (even at age twelve I suffered from chronically thin lips).
But according to C.S. Lewis, if you use lipstick…well, I won’t spoil the end for you. I’m sorry, but you can use lipstick and still believe in magic.
So I won’t go see these movies. But Prince Caspian does look like it might not suck. If you’re 12 or under.
***Edited later: Okay, so a lot of you over-12 Narnia fangirls are upset about what I wrote above. I’m happy so many of you have retained your love for this series in spite of what CS Lewis did to Susan, which I found misogynistic. And…I’m trying to think how to put this: When you’re Catholic, you’re given a set of these books on your First Communion. At first you think, COOL!!!! BOOKS!!!!
Then all your CCD teachers keep talking about them. And slowly, round about sixth grade, you realize: THESE ARE RELIGIOUS BOOKS. And then they become not so cool (only because all your CCD teachers approve of them, and by then, you only want to read books that your CCD teachers DISAPPROVE of. Being completely immature, I am still in that stage).
And honestly, I just can’t get into things with talking animals. Excluding Chewbacca. Carry on.***
The Happening June 13
This is another M. Night Shyamalan movie. I can’t decide if M. Night is a genius or a manipulative jerk. I loved The Sixth Sense and Signs, but Lady in the Water really bugged me (although I like going around whispering “Lady in the water”), as did his other movies. I can’t decide about this one. What do you think?
I think it looks amazing, and I love Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel, but since it’s M. Night it could easily turn out to be horrible. If it turns out to have a lame ending where everybody I like dies or something equally awful, I am putting M. Night in the jerk category, and siccing Marion Ravenwood on him.
X Files—The Movie… I Want to Believe July 30
I used to watch The X Files and then Gillian Anderson’s character got pregnant and had a baby but by then I had stopped watching because alien babies remind me of that miniseries V, but not in a good way.
But it turns out it was David Duchovny’s baby. How did I miss all that?
Fortunately they’re making a movie so I have a chance to redeem myself. David Duchovny is married to Tea Leoni and she’s amazing and he’s amazing and so is Gillian Anderson. How could this movie not rock?
Get Smart June 20
I love Steve Carrell. I love Anne Hathaway. Get Smart will earn a billion dollars at the box office. The end.
Mamma Mia July 18
For those of you who like me, never saw Mamma Mia on Broadway, now you can (on film). Starring Meryl Streep, no less! She does sing, you know. And really well.
The Dark Knight (Batman Returns) July 18
I know I’m basically saying I’m looking forward to all these movies because of the hot guys in them, but let’s face it, the shirtless push-up scene in Batman Begins WAS some very, very impressive acting.
In fact I think they should give out a special Oscar just for Best Shirtless Push Ups, and Christian Bale should win it every year. He should be required to do shirtless push ups in every movie he’s in. I know a lot of people are saying they’re looking forward to this movie for Heath Ledger’s performance as the Joker, and I totally am, as well. But really what I’m hoping for is more shirtless push ups. Please, if there is no shirtless push up scene, can we edit one in really fast?
Brendan gets his own category because he has not one but TWO blockbusters for release this summer, Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D (July 11) and The Mummy 3, Tomb of the Golden Emperor (August 1), which Rachel Weisz did not choose to come back for as his character’s wife (Maria Bello will be subbing as Evelyn the Librarian) because she just had a baby and they filmed it in China which as we know from the calls for an Olympic boycott is not where you might want to go with a newborn. So get ready for a lot of Brendan (never a bad thing in my opinion) and Maria, who also rocks.
Pineapple Express August 8
This is another movie from the guy who wrote Knocked Up, which I loved. Need I say more?
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 August 8
Entertainment Weekly points out that when SOTTP 1 came out, Amber Tamblyn and Alexis Bledel were the big breakout stars. But Blake Lively is the big star now! And America Ferrera has her own huge megahit show too! Oh, the irony.
Hellboy 2, The Golden Army July 11
Of all the movies that are coming out this summer, this is the one I’m looking forward to the most. I LOVED Hellboy 1. I love the romance between Hellboy and Liz. He’s a mutant freak and she’s a firestarter. They were made to be together, but like all relationships, there are problems.
I’m sorry to bring this up on a family blog, but someone has to ask (I’m in the countryside right now, where there is a lot of nature. Naturally my mind is going to turn to these things): What does Hellboy look like under his pants? I mean, he’s got a TAIL, for crying out loud. What else is going on under there? I’m just saying, Liz might be in for a shock their first night together.
In the second movie, they’ve moved in together, but it’s not going well. My theory is, it’s because of what is going on under Hellboy’s pants.
Liz has just fainted due to having seen Hellboy pantless.
Seriously, I’m just guessing it’s probably a lot more impressive than what is going on in Speed Racer’s pants.
Oh, wow, I feel guilty for saying that. I’m sorry, Speed! I didn’t mean it.
The fact is, this is going to be a very hard summer for me, because I’m torn between my love for two fictional, non-human characters now, one of whom is a demonic hell beast, the other a cartoon.
Oh, well. That’s why I will be there opening day: to see which one of them wins my heart.