Meg Goes To The Movies
Okay so I am back in Key West after a brief stay in Indiana that was cut cruelly short by my psycho cat, who is fine now.
But I don’t want to blog about that anymore, I want to blog about the summer movies so far. So here goes, in random order:
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix:
Okay I haven’t seen this movie yet, but I saw the people standing in line for it, and here’s what I have to say about them. Most of them were wearing glasses. Weird coincidence? Or not? You decide.
Live Free or Die Hard:
Best. Use. Of. The. Mac. Guy. In. A. Movie. Ever. The use of the Mac Guy in this movie ALMOST rivals the use of the Mac Guy in “Accepted,” which is my second favorite use of the Mac Guy (although my friend Beth says the Mac Guy takes off his shirt in the movie “Dreamland” and is, quote, HOT in it, unquote, so I may have to change my vote on this after I see “Dreamland.”)
Okay I didn’t see this but Patton Oswald who plays the rat is an awesome comic, as you will agree when you see this Not Safe For Work, PG-13 video rant about seniors having babies and KFC Famous Bowls (about which, I agree—not the seniors having babies part, that is their choice–but I will never, EVER eat a KFC Famous Bowl, EVER!!!)
Pirates Of The Caribbean Part Whatever:
I don’t know, I didn’t see this either, but I do know if you didn’t stick around until the end of the credits, you missed the ending.
Okay, so my neighbor E., who is twenty, called me and went, “SHIAAAAAAAAH!!!!!” which I took to mean we were going to see the Transformers movie, because E. likes Shia.
So armed with our popcorn, Milk Duds, and Slurpees, we settled in to watch Transformers, which started out AWESOME, because of SHIAHHHHHHH, but more importantly, JOOOOOOOOSH, and also Megan Fox’s spider-like eyelashes, which have to be extensions, right?
But Transformers quickly began to suck as soon as Optimus Prime opened his fat yap and began to talk. OH MY GOD that freaking Transformer WOULD NOT SHUT UP.
Which is when I realized: Transformers are those stupid cars my brothers used to play with and also the kid down the street from me is always dropping down his air conditioning duct and making his mom fish out. Why didn’t anyone warn me about this?
Do you know that part in the Transformers song that goes TRANSFORMERS–MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE? Well, the MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE part means TRANSFORMERS ARE STUPID.
Maybe they would be OK if they didn’t TALK. Because when they talk they say stupid things like ALL HAIL MEGATRON and I WILL PROTECT THE BOY (perhaps this was just the screenplay? Maybe they are not stupid except in Michael Bay films? I will never know).
But SHIAAAAAAHHHH and JOOOOOOOOSH were good, as were Megan’s eyelashes. Let’s face it, Michael Bay did the best he could, which–considering it was a movie about Transformers–was awesome. He just should have gone all the way and made Optimus Prime and friends only talk in beeps like R2D2, or in song like Bumble Bee. That would have been so much better.
Didn’t see it, I am kind of over this franchise, especially Tobey McGuire. Will he or won’t he be in the next film? You know what? I don’t care. I won’t see it anyway!
Fantastic Four, Rise of the Silver Surfer:
I love Jessica Alba and Horatio Hornblower. But this is something I will watch on HBO. Next January.
This seems like it will be the perfect movie to watch when my mom comes to visit.
I actually really liked this movie. My favorite part was the scene in Vegas at the Cirque du Soleil. This is because I hate circuses almost as much as I hate KFC Famous bowls and Transformers. Which is a lot.
I saved this movie for last because it’s my favorite movie of the summer so far. Hardly anyone has heard of it because it’s British (except, I am guessing, British people). It’s about this British cop who is like the best cop in all of the history of time or something, and all the other cops in London hate him because he is making them look bad. So they transfer him to this tiny village where there is no crime.
OR SO THEY THINK
(Warning: Mild spoilers ahead)
But actually this village is a hotbed of crime, and the cop figures it out, and he knows only he can stop it. But first he has this scene where he thinks he’s been defeated, and pretty much everyone in the audience thinks so, too. But then he rises up, and in what I can only call the most joyous moment I think I have ever seen in the history of movie-making and perhaps all of summer movie blockbusters, he kicks this old lady in the face (she totally deserves it).
And then there is a half hour gun fight action sequence that makes everything in Transformers and Live Free or Die Hard look like those dumb backyard plays kids put on with their friends in the summer.
Seriously, you guys, it was the most glorious thing ever. I wept with joy. So did He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog, and he hates movies, unless Owen Wilson or Jack Black is in it. You HAVE to see this movie. If I could hand out the Academy Award for Best Motion Picture of the year right now, I would give it to Hot Fuzz.
And it’s nice because you can buy the DVD July 31.
Anyway, that is my Summer Blockbuster Movie Round Up so far.
Meg rounds up her summer DVD collection for you, letting you know what the best thing to watch while your cat is peeing on you on a plane!