LINDSAY/MADONNA/DEAD CLOWN HAIKUS
Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. I am sad for her, really. I mean, it is awful to watch someone falling apart right in front of you, especially someone so young and talented.
On the other hand, I love waking up on a Tuesday when I have nothing to look forward to but work and then I turn on the news and BAM! Lindsay Lohan! Arrested for drunk driving! And possession! And crazy stalking, or whatever it was she was doing!
Thank you, Lindsay. For giving me some Tuesday morning cRaZy.
Look, I know it is wrong to make light of the troubles of others. But when I see someone who is so obviously troubled getting the help she needs (even if it is in the form of an arrest), it fills my heart with joy. I’ve had many alcoholics in my family, and like Lindsay and Britney, they didn’t want to go rehab…no, no, no. In fact, one of them broke out of rehab…yes, yes, yes. And I personally had to put him back in rehab…and it was no, no, no fun.
You know, from the point of view of a family member of an alcoholic, that Amy Winehouse song is sort of obnoxious. Shut up, Amy, and just go to rehab already.
In fact, I still have nightmares that our family station wagon is sinking into a pond with all of us in it because the drunk driver in our family steered it in there (at the end of the dream, Officer Friendly and I escape, but everyone else—not you, Mom, don’t worry, you were in Chicago for some reason–drowns).
Hmmm, possibly this is why I cannot seem to pass my driver’s test? Or maybe it’s this:
4. For a 3rd DUI conviction within __________ years, penalties include a mandatory 30 days in jail; 48 hours must be consecutive.
Anyone? Anyone? (The answer is A—and yes, I had to check the answer at the back of the book.)
Anyway, enough about Lindsay. Let’s move on to something really important. What is Madonna doing to her arms? Seriously?
I noticed this at Live Earth. I thought that the sleeves of Madonna’s Live Earth dress cut off her arms in an unflattering manner (check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me here).
But now that I’ve seen these photos, I am truly just appalled. What is she doing? Is this some kind of Kabbalah thing? Because it does not look good. I know with Kabbalah you are supposed to buy some kind of magic encyclopedias for $500 and look at them all day, but maybe Madonna is LIFTING them up and down? Maybe she misunderstood the directions.
I am all for being fit, but that is just ridiculous. She has got to eat some butter or something. Madonna! Eat some pancakes! Oy.
Also, can someone explain this to me?
8. Your driver license must be revoked if you are found guilty of or department records show three cases of reckless driving within __________ (forfeiting bail and not going to court to avoid being convicted of reckless driving counts the same as a conviction).
A. five years
B. three years
C. one year
D. six months
I don’t even know the answer to that one. I think it’s C but it could be A. This one kills me. Also this one:
13. When towing a load at night, or when you cannot see at least 1,000 feet ahead, the following markers must be used: -Two red reflectors, placed to show the full width of the load, on the rear which can be seen at night from all distances between 100 and __________ feet when directly in front of low-beam headlights.
Why do I have to know this?
Anyway, while we were all busy paying attention to Lindsay’s arrest and Madonna’s arms, this tragic story appeared (actually, a while ago) in the news:
DUBLIN: A clown acrobat was crushed to death last night when a circus stunt went wrong and a hot-air balloon caught fire. The accident, at the touring Royal Russian Circus in Scariff, County Clare, western Ireland, happened in front of 100 people, mostly children.
Police identified the dead performer as a 26-year-old from Belarus, but did not release his name. Witnesses said the man, dressed in a clown outfit, was hanging from a cage suspended from a hot-air balloon.
When the balloon exploded in flames, the cage crashed to the ground on top of the man. The man’s wife, who was also performing in the act, suffered a broken arm.
I felt bad that this clown’s death passed unremarked by so many, so I wrote some haikus in his honor. I hope you will enjoy them:
DEAD CLOWN HAIKUS
So much needless heart-
ache, when laughter turns to tears.
Farewell little clown!
So sad when a clown
must die so tragically.
Who is laughing now?
Off to the great clown
car in the sky–sure hope he
gets a window seat.
Happy Tuesday, everyone!