×
Meg's Blog

Valerie Bertinelli Must Die

Actual Conversation:

Me:
“Honey, did we get People Magazine this weekend?”

He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog:
“…Yes.”

Me:
“Well, where’d it go?”

HWSNBNITB:
“I have it.”

Me:
“You do? Well, can I look at it?”

HWSNBNITB:
“…No.”

Me:
“Why not?”

HWSNBNITB:
“Because I’m still reading it.”

Me:
“You ARE? But you NEVER read People. Who’s in it this week?”

HWSNBNITB:
“….No one.”

Me:
“Seriously. Who’s…Oh my God. Is that Valerie Bertinelli?”

HWSNBNITB:
“Give that back.”

Me:
“VALERIE BERTINELLI? You were bogarting People from me because of VALERIE BERTINELLI?”

HWSNBNITB:
“…No…not exactly….”

Me:
“Oh my God. Was Valerie Bertinelli your TV crush from when you were a kid?”

HWSNBNITB:
“Shut up.”

Me:
“She WAS! Oh my God. So, up on your feet/ somewhere there’s music playing/ Don’t you worry none/ just take it like it comes–”

HWSNBNITB:
“Please stop singing.”

Me:
“Oh my God! That’s so cute! You’ve never admitted to a celebrity crush before. Except for your inexplicable hatred of Mark Ruffalo–”

HWSNBNITB:
“I hate that guy.”

Me:
“–which no sane person can understand. Well. Here. You can have your People back. Far be it from me to stand in the way between you and your love. She’s divorced now. You probably have a chance.”

HWSNBNITB:
“I don’t want to read it anymore.”

Me:
“No. Seriously. It’s okay. I don’t mind. She has a son, but you’d make an excellent stepdad. I’ll be all right. I’ll just go marry Parker Stevenson. Hey, he has Kirstie Alley as an ex, so we’ll both be married to people with ties to Jenny Craig. Cool. I know how you love pre-packaged food.”

HWSNBNITB:
“You’re scaring me now.”

Me:
“Hey, maybe we could party with MacKenzie Phillips and Shawn Cassidy!”

HWSNBNITB:
“I’m going to play golf now. Goodbye.”

And by the way, Valerie: Size 14 is not fat.

More later.

Much love,

Meg

Show Buttons
Hide Buttons