It's time to give thanks where thanks is due:
I'd like to present the first annual Sickie Awards to the following people who came to my aid during my bout with strep throat.
In case you're wondering, Sickies are like The Poundies, the awards I gave out after I discovered I'd gained twelve pounds in one year. Only the Sickies are for helping out a sick person, not for making someone fatter.
I don't know what an actual Sickie looks like, but I imagine a gold-plated amoeba-like blob on a small marble pedestal. Kind of like a Cable Ace Award.
Anyway, let's get down to the awards ceremony, shall we? And this year's Sickies go to:
–Dr. H at the Key West Walk-In Medical Clinic: Thanks so much for the antibiotics and codeine cough syrup. Even if I did accidentally double my dose of the latter one night and ended up spending half an hour on the bathroom floor, unable to lift up my head due to the waves of nausea rolling over me.
That part wasn't your fault, though. I blame the pharmacy for writing out my dosage in milliliters. MILLILITERS? I don't KNOW how much 10 milliliters is! Whatever happened to tablespoons versus teaspoons?
Also, I'm sorry I mistook you for that other doctor I saw at the clinic that time I had the ear infection. What can I say? I was sick.
–Anna Nicole Smith: Anna, when I was on the bathroom floor, unable to lift my head due to the waves of nausea rolling over me, yours was the voice I heard coming from the television in the next room, begging me not to go into the light….
Well, really, it was Pat O'Brien's voice from Entertainment Tonight as he revealed the startling photos that allegedly prove who the father of your baby is. Which is LIKE telling someone not to go into the light.
But I treasure that time we spent together, Anna. Because of you, I DIDN'T go into the light! Because of you, I finally got the strength to get up off that bathroom floor.
I just didn't make it back to bed in time to see the baby photos. Dang.
–Sara Evans: Sara, I have no idea who you are, as I have never watched DANCING WITH THE STARS before, and my country music needs have always been met by the Dixie Chicks and Shania Twain. But your impending divorce and scandalous allegations against your husband have proven endlessly entertaining during my forced bedrest. I am sorry you have to go through all this, but really, thanks for sharing. Those of us who were recently bedridden salute you for it.
–Allison Clinton: Allison, as the other woman in Sara Evans' divorce proceedings, I have vastly enjoyed your interviews on Entertainment Tonight. Because who, when named in a divorce proceeding as The Other Woman, WOULDN'T immediately go on ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT to proclaim her innocence?
And Allison, your offer to do a lie detector test on TV was so classy! And I'm so glad you've overcome your anorexia. But really, you still look pretty skinny. May I introduce you to The Poundies? Because you look like you could use some.
–Sara Evans' husband: Dude, I love that now you're going around saying SARA is the one having the affair. EXCELLENT defense. Way to represent.
–Madonna: I think it's way groovy you want to adopt an African orphan. But couldn't you have chosen one that doesn't already have a living parent? Also, I'm all for self-promotion, but could you have maybe thought of a more appropriate gift to hand out to the Malawi villagers than signed copies of your book? I'm just saying, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation have already proven that three dollar mosquito nets do more to cut down on the transmission of malaria (which is the disease that killed your adopted kid's mother) than anything else. Including copies of your books. Though I suppose they could use your books to squash the mosquitoes.
–Heather Mills McCartney: Heather, when I read your allegations that your soon-to-be-ex husband Paul McCartney once came home so drunk he vomited on himself, then demanded his dinner, I could feel the waves of nausea slowly abating.
And when I got the part about how Sir Paul wouldn't let you take a bedpan with you into bed, I could feel the strength ebbing back into my limbs. Thank you, Heather, for giving me a reason to live. Because I cannot WAIT until your divorce proceedings begin. It's going to be more entertaining than Britney Spears' blog.
–Judging Amy: Judging Amy is the BEST show to watch when one is feeling under the weather (besides Entertainment Tonight, of course). Watching Amy's righteous indignation over some injustice done to a teen (like the one where the girl wore the black jelly bracelet to the party, which meant, well, you know, so she—well, you know—even though SHE didn't know—CLASSIC) practically made me forget the violent coughing spasms wracking my body. HOW could this show have gotten cancelled? It's a travesty.
–The Weekend: No, not Saturday and Sunday, silly, the rock group. Because their song, Into the Morning, is the only thing I could stand to listen to the whole time I was sick. Check it out on their album, Beatbox My Heartbeat, or on the D.E.B.S. soundtrack.
–The makers of Monistat: Because all you ladies out there know what happens after you take an antibiotic.
–HWSNBNITB: He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog, thank you for taking care of me when I was sick, and helping me up off the bathroom floor and back into bed even though you didn't get me there on time to see who the father of Anna Nicole's baby is. Thanks for the big red salad bowl you brought to me, in case I had to york in the night. Thanks for not saying how weird I looked when I woke up the next morning with the imprint of the salad bowl embedded into my cheek, or for calling me Crazytop (to my face) when I didn't wash my hair for ten days.
And a big sorry for the sore throat you've come down with…ooops….
And the last Sickie goes to….
–You: A big Sickie to all of you for your out-pouring of get well wishes and cheerful notes in my time of greatest need. A special design Sickie goes to Photoshop genius Micah for this:
Now that I'm well, I intend to make the above photo come true. Also to pay you back for you generosity by…well, writing more books, I guess.
So I better get back to work!