Okay, who gave me the chest cold?
Well, whatever. At least now I have an excuse to quit studying for my learner's permit and stay in bed all week, absorbing Vitamin TV. In between hacking my lungs out, I mean.
I thought I'd be able to watch all those shows I missed while I was on tour, but someone forgot to TiVo them (note: I couldn't TiVo them before I left because many of them weren't scheduled to begin until two weeks into my four week trip, and you can only TiVo things two weeks in advance. This is a concept that is apparently too complicated for some people in my house to understand. I am not pointing fingers. I am just saying).
So imagine my surprise and disappointment when I hit my Now Playing List and NONE of the shows I'd requested to be TiVoed in my absence were there. NONE.
But guess what? There is a little something called iTunes which now has TELEVISION SHOWS you can download and watch on your computer.
So I am all caught up and here to tell (from my sickbed) what I've watched that I think might be worth giving a try (in my opinion). I suffer so that YOU don't have to waste your valuable mindless entertainment time. How many other blogs offer you this service? Very few, though I'm only guessing.
So here is my list, in no particular order:
JERICHO: I understand it's gotten really bad reviews. But why should that stop me from liking it? It is basically a made-for-TV-disaster movie…only it's a SERIES about a town that may or may not be the only place not to have been nuked during something that may or may not have been The Quickening.
And yeah, the dialogue is really bad and the whole Were They Nuked Or Not And If So Who Nuked Them? plot is wearing thin. And the teen characters are basically walking clichés. But so what? There are way worse shows out there. Like–
THE CLASS: Certain people who live in this house ASSURED me that this is a good show. I will say that they are half right: It is a show.
UGLY BETTY: I know I'm supposed to like this. And I do like Betty, and Betty's family, and the people in Betty's office when Betty is around them. But I just cannot stop fast forwarding through every scene not featuring Betty. Of which there are many. So, more Betty, less everybody else. That's what I say.
HEROES: I like this show. I especially like the cheerleader. And not just because she was in the movie I didn't write, ICE PRINCESS. Although again I find the teen characters' interactions super unrealistic. I mean aside from the superpower thing. But this is a small quibble with an otherwise decent show (so far).
THE OFFICE: I am very nervous about the US version of this show because they have already ventured out into waters not previously charted by the UK show and if the US show doesn't end the same way the UK show did I am going to be VERY DISAPPOINTED because I love the ending of the UK show and play it over and over again on YouTube (yeah, actually, I DON'T have a life, how do you think I write so many books? Sheesh).
NIGELLA FEASTS: This is Nigella Lawson's new show on Food Network, and I'm so glad she's back, because I missed her and her constant midnight snacking. I saw her on David Letterman and she is so funny and charming and I love her, the end.
WEEDS: Still awesome. Getting more awesome with every episode.
GILMORE GIRLS: Psych! This show is still dead to me.
VERONICA MARS: Look, people, I GET that you love this show. OK? I get it. But it's too late for me. I've missed so much of it that I'll never catch up. You might as well just go on and save yourselves. Don't worry about me, I'll be all right.
PROJECT RUNWAY: See above.
BATTLESTAR GALLCTICA: Ditto.
DEXTER: I'm so tired of serial killers. Because Silence of the Puts The Lotion On Its Skin Lambs pretty much said it all, right? But this show is actually FUNNY. And Dexter is a forensic detective who is ALSO a serial killer who only kills criminals who get away. Which is oddly satisfying. I mean, to find yourself hoping the serial killer DOESN'T get caught? I sort of love it.
DEGRASSI, NEXT GENERATION, Season 7: I haven't seen this yet either but my friend Beth reports that it's good and she was right about Dexter so she's probably right about this. Plus, two words: Sean's back.
WALK THE LINE: This movie came out a long time ago but I didn't see it until now because no one would go with me to watch it in the theater (I believe HWSNBNITB's exact words were, “When hell freezes over.”) But he's sorry now. Because we watched it on TV and certain parties were forced to EAT. THEIR. WORDS. Oh, and you know what else certain parties are sorry for?
IN HER SHOES: Who cried during it? WHO CRIED???? Well, both of us actually. Good stuff.
I have decided there needs to be a new category for movies you know suck, but that you love anyway. You know, like STARSHIP TROOPERS. I would like to add to this list two movies I saw in the past twenty-four hours, THE ISLAND and SAHARA. Michele Jaffe suggested “sucktastic” for the name of this category of movies. I think we have a winner.
I can't remember what else I've been watching due to the Robitussin haze, so I guess I'll close with that. The back of my neck is starting to hurt, no doubt because what I actually have is not a chest cold but meningitis. I hope they have wi-fi from the hospital or it will be a while before I'm able to blog again.
I'll leave you with this, lifted VERBATIM from the Florida State Drug and Alcohol Awareness course required by all applicants wishing to obtain a learners permit:
A guy in Wisconsin was coming around a curve and didn't see the ice on the road. He skidded on the ice and hit a little tree on the side of the road going 30 mph. He was wearing his safety belt, even a shoulder harness. The man was killed by a box of Kleenex from the back-dashboard of his vehicle. The point of the box severed his spine. The force from the collision is equivalent to a box of Kleenex being shot out of a cannon.
There was another case where a box of Sucrets killed a woman. The little cough medicine in the metal box. She was killed by that box hitting her in the head from the back-dashboard.
Anything you have on your back-dashboard, get rid of it! Those cans of soda, eyeglasses, bowling balls on your back-dash, get rid of it! Can you imagine getting killed by one of those bobbing head dogs that they sell in the store? Everybody at your funeral will be bobbin' their heads, and saying “That's how he died!”
KLEENEX, SUCRETS, AND BOBBING HEAD DOGS CAN KILL, PEOPLE. Remember that.
PS Many thanks to reader Amy from Cleveland for alerting me to the fact that the same people who are writing the Drug and Alcohol Awareness course texts are ALSO writing the questions for the various state mandated No Child Left Behind tests. Nice. Very nice. It's like the administration hired that Kevin Nealon character from WEEDS to do all their writing for them.
PPS My mom wants me to write to Florida Governor Jeb Bush and offer to re-write the Florida State Drug and Alcohol Awareness course's text in exchange for his giving me a driver's license. I think she may be on to something…