Baby Daddy Drama
Every morning right before I wake up I have the same dream:
I am in high school. But I am 39 and a half years old. And married. And live in Florida.
But people are telling me I have to choose a college. I have to choose one RIGHT NOW.
And I keep saying, “But I already graduated from college. In fact, I already graduated from high school. In fact, I write books for a living. Why can't I keep on doing that?”
But everyone keeps insisting I have to go to college. And I keep thinking, But this is going to be a colossal waste of my time, because I already WENT to college, and yeah, okay, I had a lot of fun there and even learned a few things, but FOUR MORE YEARS? Who will take care of Henrietta while I'm living in the dorm? Not to mention, who is He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog going to cook for while I'm gone? I know leggings are back in style like they were when I was in college the first time, but this is ridiculous.
And then I wake up.
Anyway, I just thought if I shared that I would stop having that dream. But I doubt it will work.
Readers who have been coming to my events lately have been absolutely LAVISH with the gifting! From cans of TaB from Sarah, to CDs and more TaB from Monica (whom I am pretty sure I never even met, unless she didn't tell me her name), to the luxurious velvet pillow I got from a reader whose name I now realize I have lost, to the grandeur of Jenny and Pauline's gift basket for me, Henrietta and Gem, and even HWSNBNITB, I am overwhelmed—and also getting a swollen head from kind letters like the one from Erin!
People, you must stop! I have nothing to give in return! Unless you'd like a shower cap or mending kit from my hotel room. Then I can accommodate you.
I have only a few days left on this tour, and that always means one thing: Daytime TV. I try to abstain from daytime TV during the work week, because obviously once you start watching, you're hooked, and cannot look away.
But towards the end of my tour, I tend to throw the rules out the window, and turn on The View. Just for a minute. Then flip away during a commercial, and find a Lifetime movie about a fifty year old woman who is pregnant by accident. How can I look away from THAT???
Especially when Maury does his Who's Your Baby's Daddy? shows, where young women submit their babies for DNA testing in order to find out who the father is, then inform an often times repugnant young man whether he is or is not their baby's daddy.
These shows are like car wrecks to me. I don't WANT to look. And yet I can't help staring.
And now there's a real life Baby Daddy Drama blooming in the media: who is the Real Daddy of Anna Nicole's Baby?
A photographer who, I'm sorry, looks a lot like Kato Kaelin (not that there is anything wrong with that) claims the child is his—he said it on Fox News, so it MUST be true, right?
But then Anna Nicole's longtime lawyer and co-star of her reality show, Howard K. Stern, said on CNN last night that the baby is really his!
Anna Nicole, who's your baby's daddy? Do we need to bring Maury out here to solve this???
I realize it is none of my business and Anna Nicole definitely has enough problems right now.
But…I want to know!
I also want to know who the baby daddy of these adorable puppies is:
(although by watching the ALLEGEDLY cute video above you will be letting yourself in for a world of confusion and yes, even despair. You will find yourself asking, “Why don't they just get Smoochie spayed?” and “How much milk can Miss Kitty produce, anyway, before those puppies suck her dry?” as well as, “Didn't I once have Missy Grant's haircut, back in the late eighties?” Don't say that I didn't warn you).
I honestly don't know how much more baby daddy drama I can take. So today I am leaving the TV behind to go shopping with Dr. Michele Jaffe, who is in town especially to make me stop watching Maury and CNN and especially Fox News.
And then tonight I'm going to go to my last CA signing:
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2006, 7:00PM
Borders Books & Music
3700 Torrance Blvd.
Torrance, CA 90503
before heading back to Florida for my last two signings this year!!!! Hope I'll see some of you then.
Unless they succeed in making me go back to college, of course.