Lindsay Strikes Back
Dear Miss Cabot,
I understand that recently in your blog you linked to several stories that have appeared online lately about me forgetting to put on underwear.
I am surprised you would feel compelled to comment upon this, considering the fact that you are such close personal friends with Paris Hilton. Surely you'll have noticed that Paris, like me, suffers from pantynesia (the clinical term for forgetting to put on one's underwear, usually while also wearing a very short skirt and riding a motorcycle down the red carpet and/or climbing in and out of boats while being photographed by paparazzi).
And yet you never seem to link to stories about PARIS forgetting to put on her underwear. Why is THAT, might I ask?
And please do not try to placate me by going on about how you too dislike pantylines and actually do approve of going commando under certain specific circumstances–just not when riding on motorcycles and/or climbing out of boats while wearing very short skirts in front of paparazzi.
Pantynesia is an ILLNESS, Miss Cabot. You may be shocked to learn that one in three Americans suffer from it. It is my goal to help raise awareness of pantynesia, and to help those who have it learn to take the first steps towards treatment. Furthermore, I hope to help family members of those of us who suffer from pantynesia work through the range of emotions–fear, anger, denial, frustration, depression and uncertainty—that often comes with diagnosis. Although there is no cure, with treatment, pantynesia can be managed.
That is why it hurts me so deeply that so many people like you, Miss Cabot, refuse to take my illness—and yes, it is an illness–seriously. I battle pantynesia EVERY SINGLE DAY. Do you think it is easy to get up each and every afternoon at around two o'clock after a night of partying at Bungalow 8 with other people's boyfriends and REMEMBER TO PUT ON UNDERWEAR?
No, Miss Cabot. It is not.
And I was really expecting more out of you, as an alleged “author.” Authors are supposed to be deeply sensitive individuals who know how to type stuff. I wish you would type some POSITIVE stuff about my very brave battle against pantynesia, instead of pointing out each and every time I have a lapse and flash everyone.
Obviously, under these circumstances, I will NOT be coming to see you
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2006 at 7:00PM
At Vancouver Kidsbooks
3083 West Broadway
And okay, I KNOW you hardly ever get to go Canada and I know that by not going to see you there, I will ALSO be missing seeing the brilliant and stylish author Susan Juby, who NEVER forgets to put on her underwear before riding motorcycles on the red carpet and/or climbing in and out of boats in front of paparazzi.
But unfortunately you have brought this upon YOURSELF, Miss Cabot, by making light of a VERY SERIOUS DISEASE.
That is all I have time to write right now due to my arm aching from a slight
accident I had the other night. And since I am typing this with my thumb on my Sidekick, I need to make it short. So. Goodbye, Miss Cabot. And please remember:
Pantynesia is no laughing matter.