LETTER TO THE VIEW
To Whom It May Concern:
Hello to the ladies at The View! I hear you are looking for a replacement for Meredith Viera, since she is leaving to replace Katie Couric, who is leaving the Today Show to read the CBS Evening News and be on Sixty Minutes (which is ironic, since I remember when Meredith Viera used to be on Sixty Minutes, but quit to have a baby. But I digress).
I am writing to let you know that, as far as filling in for Meredith Viera, I am available! Although I don't actually watch your show (because I am busy working during the day while it is on, like a normal person), I have seen snippets of it on other shows–such as The Daily Show, when Jon Stewart is mocking Star Jones. Or The Showbiz Show, when David Spade is mocking Star Jones.
So I think I get the gist. Basically, you ladies just sit around and pretend to drink coffee (although it is really water so your teeth don't get stained), and gossip and kvetch, and occasionally interview a movie star.
Well, I have good news for you: I can do that! I would actually be excellent at that!
I am usually good for about one hour a day of amusing kvetching. The rest of the day is of course devoted to serious kvetching, like about how in spite of my best efforts to lose the 12 pounds I gained in the past year, I have only lost one, which I think I regained this past weekend due to eating too many Mini Robin's Egg Whoppers.
But what can you do? Mini Robin's Egg Whoppers are a seasonal delicacy only available once a year, and so you have to eat as many of them as you can, while you can. Yes, the roof of your mouth goes raw from sucking off the hard candy shell to get to the delicious chocolate-covered malted milk ball underneath.
But these are the sacrifices we have to make in order to enjoy the full Mini Robin's Egg Whopper experience (and, I might add, having a sore mouth from too many Mini Robin's Egg Whoppers is nothing compared to what Jesus actually went through this past weekend 2,000 years ago).
But since your show is only an hour long, my one hour a day of amusing kvetching would fit right in!
Unfortunately, I live in Florida and your show films in New York. This could pose a problem. I do still have my apartment in New York and could fly up for filming. However I now have two cats, an indoor AND an outdoor one, and I don't think the outdoor one would like Manhattan, as there are no lizards there for her to chase (I now spend the vast majority of my time freeing lizards from the jaws of my husband's cat, Slutty McSlut-A-Lot).
So I was thinking: Why don't you move The View to Key West? I am positive you ladies would love it here, particularly Star Jones, because I understand from E!'s limo records that her husband's true sexual preference is still somewhat up in the air. Well, there are many guys here in Key West who would be more than happy to help him out with that!
And of course, the weather in the Keys can't be beat–except during hurricane season, but wouldn't that only raise ratings? You know, viewers could watch us boarding up our windows, and not heeding mandatory evacuation orders. Barbra Streisand could join us for a View Hurricane Party and sing People Who Need People. I'm kvelen just thinking about it!
You wouldn't have to worry about being the only celebrities in town, either, because both Jimmy Buffet and Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys live here as well. In fact, Nick Carter was just accused of (allegedly) sexually assaulting a woman in a local bar. So you can see we even have celebrity scandals down here for us to chat about over our fake coffee!
As for as our personalities meshing, I think we'd be a perfect match. I don't know anything about that blond pregnant one, but I thought Joy Behar was really funny when I saw her on My Life on the D List with Kathy Griffin, talking bad about Star Jones.
And Barbara Walters and I could totally bond over the fact that I, too, talk funny! Of course, I was sent to special ed and got over my lisp in the second grade. But that's okay, I totally remember how they cured me: they dangled a Snickers bar in front of me and told me until I learned to say the word properly, I couldn't have it.
I mastered the word Snickers in like a day! I could do the same thing for Barbara, only with a Butterfinger!
As for Star Jones, well, I think she and I would get along great, since we are both weight-challenged writers. Of course, I heard that so many people showed up for Star's book signings that the police had to be called in to maintain crowd control, which makes me a little jealous. The only time the police were ever called in to one of my signings was when a man kept hanging around the women's room, asking female patrons if they'd like to see the puppy he had in his pants.
But I would probably get over my jealousy if Star would tell me how she lost all that weight! This information would really come in handy for me, considering my trouble losing the twelve poundies. Obviously Star knows of some weight loss secret, which she coquettishly refuses to share with the rest of the country.
Don't worry, though, I could totally get it out of her. I am EXCELLENT at weaseling secrets out of people. Then writing a book about them.
In closing, I would just like to say that I think my presence on The View could add a certain air of festivity to the proceedings. It is true that my books would have to be my first priority, and so there would be many, many days I would not actually be able to show up for filming.
But on those days, I think it would be great if some other authors could fill in—authors such as Fran Lebowitz, Dr. Michele Jaffe, and maybe even Harper Lee (if she's available). Because we authors don't get enough chances to be on TV…except of course BOOK TV.
But as everyone knows, you have to have written a very boring non-fiction book about the Civil War in order to get on that channel, which leaves most of us authors out in the cold. Even the footage from the day Book TV filmed me at the DC Book Festival, when I was wearing my special boob enhancing bra under a too small Visit Genovia t-shirt, has never made it on air. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET ON YOUR CHANNEL, BOOK TV????
Anyway, thanks for reading this, and if you decide you to fly me up for some test screenings or whatever, I'll be around! Just not the week of the 24th, because I have jury duty, and of course next month, I am leaving for a book tour for my new novel, QUEEN OF BABBLE.
Thanks—and don't worry, I'll bring the Mini Robin's Egg Whoppers!