….BABY ONE MORE TIME
Hey, ya'll, it's me, Brit. Meg is still trapped in the Suck Zone so she asked me to guest blog for her for the day.
I said I'd be happy to because the truth is, I'm kinda in the Suck Zone too right now. Ya'll might have heard about me and those paparazzi photos of me driving with my baby on the lap. I'm real thankful I have the opportunity to clear things up here on the blog.
First of all, I wasn't driving with my baby on my lap. Well, I mean, technically, I was. But the truth is, the BABY was the one driving.
That's right, ya'll—Sean Preston drives! See, I don't know if you know, but Sean Preston's REAL smart. He's like that Quiznos baby, you know, with the sandwiches? He's THAT smart (only Sean Preston says Quiznos tastes like warmed over human waste. He prefers the blackened sea bass from Nobu).
Anyway, when we go for a ride, Sean Preston INSISTS on driving. Seriously, ya'll should see the fit he pitches if I don't let him! Spits his nubby right out at me!
Look, ya'll, I know better than to let a baby sit on my lap when I'm driving. But it's totally different when the BABY is driving. I mean, he's so short, he can hardly see over the dashboard if he doesn't sit on SOMETHING. Plus, he needs someone to work the pedals. I was actually doing the responsible thing.
Geez, ya'll. It's like people never heard of a driving baby before, or something.
Well, anyway, I got some messages from Meg: she says thanks for all the cool emails offering her advice on how to lose those Poundies. She is totally getting that glycemic index cookbook. I'm gonna look into to it too, 'cause I still got baby weight I need to lose.
And Meg says thanks for the mange tips for Gem. Her vet is sure Gem's got the mange, though, because he checked like a skin scraping or something. But after the mange is cleared up, they're going to look into whether she also might have allergies.
Geez, for a cat that just wandered in off the street, that Gem sure is needy!
Anyway, since I've been home hiding out from Child Protective Services, I've been watching a lot of TV, so I thought I'd let ya'll in on what's happening in current events. 'Cause all Sean Preston wants to watch is MSNBC. You should hear him shriek if I try to change the channel to his daddy's favorite show, the Teletubbies!
Sean Preston's got a thing about Brian Williams, I guess.
All right, so from what Sean Preston explained to me, some cartoonists over in Europe made some cartoons making fun of Mohammed, and that's made people over in the Middle East real mad. I understand that, because some folks got real mad when I ripped off those pants I was wearing at the MTV Music Video Awards and all I had on underneath was a flesh colored spangle bodysuit. It offended a lot of people.
And okay, none of them burned down any embassies. But they threatened to stop buying my albums, which is almost as bad!
So my advice to you cartoonists is, just draw something else for a while, and people will forget all about it….
…until you marry some guy in Vegas, that is!
In other news, I guess Iran has nuclear weapons or something. Sean Preston says this is a big problem because in Iran, if you're a woman, and you commit adultery, they bury you up to your neck in sand and throw rocks at your head. So how discriminating are they going to be about who they drop a bomb on? Not very, apparently!
Anyway, as soon as Sean Preston fell asleep (even baby geniuses have to take naps), I turned on the Grammies and caught a bit of Madonna's number with the Gorillaz. I was real impressed, because you know she's had two babies, and you can still see her hip bones. Seriously, they stick out like a couple of Ginzu knives!
I guess that Kabala stuff really works. Someone oughta tell Lindsay.
Of course I didn't get to see the whole Grammies, because Sean Preston woke up and made me turn it to Anderson Cooper. Kev was mad, 'cause he wanted to watch Pimp My Ride. But as Sean Preston says, “You two idiots brought me into this world. At least allow me to witness its slow demise as we irrevocably slip into the end of days.”
Dontcha think that'd make a great song?
Speaking of which, the baby's up again, and demanding I let him drive himself down to the corner store for an espresso and the latest “Atlantic Monthly.” Babies are so much fun!
But before I go, just a reminder that if you're in Cincinnati, ya'll totally need to go see my friend Michele Jaffe on her Bad Kitty book tour this weekend. She'll be at
2692 Madison Road
Cincinnati, OH 45208
Tonight (Friday) at 7PM
If you're lucky, she'll be wearing her gold boots. I picked those out for her, ya'll.
Well, that's it for now. Love ya!