YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
The reviews are in for my art show:
My mom: “I laughed so hard, I peed my pants.”
My aunt: “I was never aware until now what an integral part saliva played in the creative process.”
My brother: “You got SKILLS, just like Napoleon Dynamite.”
Thank you to everyone who wrote to say they enjoyed my art show. I'm sorry to those of you who asked, but none of the pieces are for sale. Although I'm actually a little surprised that there are 3 people out there wouldn't mind having a spit drawing on their wall.
In other news, AVALON HIGH is still #3 on the New York Times Children's Chapter Bestseller List, and is selling very well in England, where it also just came out. Yay! I'm glad people are liking it, although I still haven't thought of a sequel yet. I am happy with the way it ended, so it's hard to think of a sequel when there are no loose ends to tie up (and contrary to what several people wrote in to ask, Will does not DIE at the end. He's HOME, not dead).
And the paperback of TWILIGHT and my new chick-lit mystery SIZE 12 IS NOT FAT both made last week's USA TODAY 150 Top Sellers (at numbers 136 and 122, respectively, which is pretty good, since it's the first time I've hit that list at all with an adult book).
A lot of people have been writing to ask that I think about Brangelina. Well, people, I don't know about you, but I've finally figured out what's going on, and frankly, I'm afraid. VERY afraid. Between Brangelina, TomKat, Gwen, Gwyneth, Britney, and everyone else, it's totally obvious what's happening:
Certain celebrities are breeding in order to amass their celebrity army, with an eye towards eventually taking over the planet.
I can't believe US WEEKLY and the STAR aren't all over this story. I mean, can't they see what's happening before their very eyes? The worst thing is that they trying to pull other, DECENT celebrities down with them. Thank God Jennifer Anniston made it out in time, but we've already lost Katie Holmes. We might still have a chance with Nick Lachey, though. Run, Nick, RUN!!!
WAKE UP, PEOPLE. The celebrities seeking world domination are reproducing at an alarming rate, while, we just sit idly by, LETTING it happen. It's true, we can't keep them from breeding. But we could at least stop paying so much attention to them. If we just pretend like they aren't there, maybe they'll all go away. With no attention to feed off of, these celebrities might just stop spawning, and we can all go about our business.
Didn't you see that mini-series, “V”? We are under attack, and must act as a united front against the celebrity scourge. Otherwise, they won't stop at just HAVING babies: Soon, they'll be trying to RAISE them. THEMSELVES.
And that just can't be allowed in a civilized society such as ours.
Speaking of excellent TV shows like “V,” did you see The OC last week? MARISSA COOPER GRADUATES!!!! Seriously, I had to hide my eyes when I saw that, I was so overcome with emotion. 90210, how I miss you!!! You were so bad, in SUCH a good way!
And while I enjoyed Rory's meltdown on GILMORE GIRLS, the Luke thing…come ON. And Lorelei's dress…was it just me, or did she look lumpy? I think some Spanx are in order.
And as for Lindsay, I totally believe her new claim that she wasn't bulimic. I think we can pretty much figure out how Lindsay lost all that weight by taking a look at who she's been hanging out with lately.
You know, all you Hilary Duff haters are starting to look pretty silly right now. Because Hilary's turning out to be a beacon of class and integrity compared to most of her peers. I'm just saying.
People are STILL asking me what book it was I read that I hated. Like I'm ever going to tell. But I CAN tell you that not one of you have guessed right, not in my inbox OR at the MCBC (ha, yes I do secretly your posts, girls, when I'm bored). And that's all I'm saying about it from now on. Because what's the point of talking about bad books anyway when there are so many EXCELLENT books to recommend? Like:
The Zoe Sophiaadventures! These books are written and illustrated by a super talented friend of mine from way back, Claudia Mauner, mother of the REAL Zoe Sophia. If there's an uber precocious 3-10 year old in YOUR life, you'll want to get her a copy of
as well as her new adventure (in stores in April)
Reserve/pre-order your copy now before they all sell out!
And this entry into the YA market is hilarious:
I don't know how I missed it when it came out. Cassie Howard is desperate to “win a date to the Snow Ball with new student Kevin Matthews before her nemesis, 'Fourteen-karat Carter' (Sterling Carter, a girl who is used to coming in first) claims him for her own.” Publishers Weekly got it right when they said, in their review, “Suspenseful and often witty, this book makes losing by a hair seem almost fun.” Run don't walk to your nearest bookstore and snag a copy today (the sequel comes out in July).
People always want to know what I'm listening to for some reason. I just downloaded Fallout Boy. Love them. LOVE THEM.
Then I bought a bunch of old Nineties stuff, like Spin Doctors. In fact I made a 90s Playlist. I call it Slackitude. It goes:
Little Miss Can't Be Wrong (Spin Doctors)
Torn (Natalie Imbruglia)
No Rain (Blind Melon—the lead singer is from Indiana. And he's dead now)
Absolutely [Story of a Girl] (Nine Days)
Stay (Lisa Loeb)
Bitch (Meredith Brooks)
Two Princes (Spin Doctors—I know it's wrong to have two songs by the same artist on a mix but I don't care)
I'm Gonna Be [500 Miles] (The Proclaimers)
Oh, the 90s. How I miss you, decade of classics like 90210. Gone are the days of Shannon Doherty's catfights with Tori Spelling, and Jennie Garth's baking tips in Good Housekeeping. Those were some girls who knew their places as celebrities. That's why we never got sick of them…EVER! They were OLD SCHOOL CELEBRITIES. They weren't out for world domination. They never showed up half naked on the cover of Vanity Fair, or wrote mean things about Scarlett Johansson on bar walls. The 90210 girls wore their padded shoulders proudly, dammit, but didn't shove them in our faces.
More importantly, they haven't bred (well, except Jennie, but I don't see her as a threat to world stability).
Why can't all the other celebrities be like the 90210 cast? WHY???? Come back, Shannon, Jason, Tori, Jennie, Luke, and Ian. We miss you.