2005 Celebrity Retrospective
2005 was a very eventful year. To commemorate it, I've asked my celebrity friends to comment on what they consider the year's most important events:
I know some people will say that Hurricanes Katrina and Rita were the most important events in 2005, along with the war in Iraq. But I'm afraid they are overlooking what most people consider the most devastating thing that happened this year. And that, of course, was the shrinking of my boobs.
Seriously. Anyone who saw my movie Herbie: Fully Loaded—or just saw the publicity for it, since no one actually SAT THROUGH that movie—knows that my boobs were huge in it. They were so gargantuan that Disney had to get them digitally reduced because someone complained I looked too much like a healthy normal girl, and not enough like an unnaturally skinny movie star.
So, I figured, hey, I want to be an unnaturally skinny movie star, not a healthy normal girl—I mean, duh!–so if they're that big, maybe I should just get “exhaustion,” check into a hospital, and come out twenty pounds lighter, then smoke a lot and hang out with Nicole Ritchie.
So I did.
And it worked! My boobs are practically gone! Even Wilmer came up to me at Butter and was all, “Damn, woman, what the hell happened to your boobs? and I said, “I don't know, Wilmer, why don't you go ask your new girlfriend, Ashlee?”
It isn't my fault that he's so stupid he actually did, and that then Ashlee wrote that song about me. In which she lied. Because she did so steal my boyfriend. And I'm totally getting her back for it, too. Wait till she hears MY new song…it's called WHO'S GOT EXHAUSTION NOW, HUH, BEEYOTCH?
Happy New Year, everyone!
2005. Wow. Well, obviously, in 2005, I wrote a book. At least, I think I did. It's hard to remember. 2005 was so long ago! And let's see, what else? I know there's something….
Oh, yeah, I broke up with my fiancé! And my best friend, Paris, too. But she deserved it, after what she did. At least, I think she did, it's hard to remember. God, I'm hungry. What? No, I didn't say I was hungry. God, no! I never get hungry! I work out with a trainer and consume five high-protein low fat meals a day. I'm NEVER hungry. I eat all the time! Look, gum! I'm chewing gum! That's totally, like, two calories.
Wait. What was the question?
Hi, everybody! 2005 was certainly a year to remember. I got engaged, and then I got disengaged. I stole an Olson twin's boyfriend (don't ask me which one, I can't tell them apart. Boyfriends, I mean. Not the twins, silly!). Oh, and I opened a bunch of clubs and broke up with my best friend Nicole. Who fully deserved it, after what she did. Did you hear she wrote a book? Yeah, it's all about me. Because she's obsessed with me. She wants to BE me. It's sick.
I'm so glad I have my new best friend, Kimberly Stewart. She's WAY more stable than Nicole. Well, except for that thing where she was engaged to that kid from Laguna Beach for a minute. But whatever. We all make mistakes. Hey, I got a monkey, and it turned out to be a raccoon! Whatevs. Happy New Year!
Oh, hey, happy New Year to all of you. And to my harujuku girls, too. Not that I care about them anymore. Now I don't need to dress up random Japanese girls in cute costumes, because soon I will have my own mini-me to dress up. Yes, I'm pregnant at last. I guess I won't have to dodge that pesky “feminism” question anymore. Phew! 'Cause everyone knows feminists don't have babies. Or shave their legs.
Even better, by getting pregnant, I finally proved that I don't care about Tony anymore. Not at all. I have my new baby. And my husband, too, of course.
And okay, he already has a kid with someone else, but that doesn't matter, because I proved I can get pregnant, too. And without Tony. Tony can just go…date someone else. Which he's doing. Actually, he's been doing that since he broke up with me, like, ten years ago. Not that I care. I mean, I think my songs prove I don't care. All I care about is my baby. The baby Tony didn't have with me.
OH GOD!!!! TONY, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME???? WHY TONY WHY?????
Hey, ya'll! Well, 2005 was certainly quite a year! Hurricane Katrina devastated my beloved home state—kinda like the way Kevin devastated my bank account. At least, according to my mom. Ha! Kidding!
No, seriously, ya'll, my baby, Sean Preston, was born in 2005, and that will always make this year precious to me. I'll be able to look into my baby's tiny face and think about the good times…like when I had his father's Ferrari towed because Daddy was partying way too late, wasn't he, Seany? Oh, and the time I threw Kevin out because he and his bodyguard were buying weed in Mommy's driveway….remember that, honey? Daddy's so funny, with his wacky weed!
Seriously, ya'll, I have just been so blessed. I hope ya'll can have a baby, too, because until you've looked into the eyes of your newborn, you don't know what real love—KEVIN!!!! DID YOU HIDE YOUR WEED IN THE BABY'S DIAPER??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?????
Yo, yo, yo, wassup, homies? 2005 was WHACK. I'm not frontin'! Man, I don't gots TIME to front, I got three kids now. THREE. And I gots to support, like, two of'em. All by myself. 'Cause a man gots to stand up for himself, you know what I'm sayin'? I don't want to be accused of being no scrub, like I was LAST time I checked this blog. 'Cause I ain't no scrub. Like it says in my song, which you could hear if I ever get my new website to work, “Back then, they call me K-fed, but you can call me Daddy instead–”
Oh, hang on. YEAH, BRIT? WHAT'S THE MATTER?
Oops, gots to go, man. My woman's not happy. Peace out.
Thanks from all the celebrities for taking time from their busy celebrity schedules to give you their thoughts on 2005. We here at Cabot Central join them in wishing all of you a very Happy New Year, and hope that 2006 turns out to be YOUR best year yet!