DON’T EAT ME
My friend Beth just called to say she's going to see KING KONG tonight, and I was like, “What is wrong with you? Why would you go see that? Don't you know what happens at the end?”
Because Beth is my animal-lover friend, the one who was with me when I adopted Henrietta—the one who wouldn't let me leave WITHOUT adopting Henrietta, even though at the time Henrietta was just a three-week old one-eyed blob with no personality who was being held by her head by the seven-year-old boy who had found her and her brothers and sisters in a back alley in Brooklyn.
While I am of course glad I adopted Henrietta today, at the time I only took her because Beth was like, “TAKE HER!!! OH MY GOD, IF YOU LEAVE HER HERE THAT KID WILL KILL HER!!!” and I wanted to shut her up.
Plus she made me feel guilty for being like, “Can't I have a cat that isn't a personality-less blob and has both eyes?”
The rest, as you know, is history. One serving of Sheba later, that personality-less blob was climbing my window shades, yowling her head off, so full of personality that Jenny, my other cat, took one look at her and barfed on the bed.
So it kind of shocked me that Beth would go see KING KONG, because—not to give it away for those of you who don't know—things do not go well for Kong at the end.
Still, Beth wants to go because she's heard Kong and Naomi Watts have a “fun relationship…even a little romance.”
Just as I am all for hot boys kissing each other in movies, I am all for inter-species relationships (so long as the animal in it doesn't talk) in romances.
But I am NOT into relationships where one party wants to EAT the other party for lunch.
I'm sorry, but a person has to draw the line somewhere.
Of course, Beth had something to say about this:
“But you liked Buffy and Angel, and Angel wanted to eat Buffy.”
Um, only when he was Evil Angel. When he was Good Angel, he just wanted to date her, not eat her.
See, this is why—I'll admit it–I have a problem with SOME inter-species relationships. Obviously, human/vampire love stories are okay if the vampire has no desire to devour his love interest. But so often the central conflict in vampire romances is that the vampire can't separate sexual lust from food lust. And I just don't think there's anything sexy about a guy who wants to date you AND eat you.
So I've always had a hard time relating to vampire-related books and movies. Don't get me wrong—BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER is totally the greatest television series in the history of time (although I do love the BBC version of THE OFFICE almost as much…just in a totally different way. And have you seen SHAUN OF THE DEAD? Because Dawn from THE OFFICE is in it).
But it wasn't the vampire part of BUFFY I loved. I loved the funny dialogue and hot guys. Angel and Spike could have been ghosts or aliens, for all I cared. What was important was the fact that they loved Buffy when they knew they shouldn't have…NOT because she seemed like she might make a tasty mid-afternoon snack.
I actually CAN enjoy vampire romances if I concentrate on the “forbidden” romance aspect, and don't think about the whole blood-sucking part. But if I let myself think about that, I'm just like…ew. What's so sexy about some guy who thinks of you as an amuse-bouche?
Plus, I seriously am WAY more prone to believe in a GIANT GORILLA than I am in vampires. I'm sorry, but I just am. Although I totally believe in ENERGY vampires—those people you meet sometimes who just WANT stuff from you, only you don't know it until it's too late, and they won't leave you alone, even after you start avoiding their calls?
Because the problem is, they can never get ENOUGH (of your time, your energy, your emotional support, your sympathetic ear, whatever it is), and they'll even have the nerve to CRITICIZE you for not being a better friend, while they just keep taking and taking until finally you have no choice but to stop taking their calls, because the fact is, you are getting nothing from the relationship…nothing but sucked dry as a packet of desiccant.
The problem with energy vampires, as opposed to the blood-sucking kind, is that you can't tell they're vampires until it's too late, and they're already telling you their life story, or asking if they can stay in your apartment while theirs is being painted, or making you go to dinner with their gross new boyfriend who proceeds to hit on you when your vampire friend goes to the bathroom.
You can tell if someone is a blood-sucking vampire very easily by their pointy teeth, aversion to daylight, and refusal to eat garlic-laden Italian food.
EMOTIONAL vampires, however, look just like everybody else. They'll eat TONS of garlicky Italian…then expect you to pay, because it's your turn since they paid for that coffee of yours that one time, remember?
There is no way you can protect yourself from emotional vampires either, once they have their claws in you (although caller ID can help). But you CAN learn their habits and try to avoid being sucked in too deeply. Here's a tip: if a person starts “love-bombing” you—telling you how great you are, saying how neat it would be if you two could be friends, making special plans to do things with you MONTHS in advance—that person is probably a vampire (or possibly a Scientologist. Katie Holmes would know, since I imagine this was how she got sucked into Tom's inner circle…well, that and the impregnation).
If someone comes on too hard too soon, he or she may be an emotional vampire. WATCH OUT. Because next thing you know, he or she will be trying to suck you into their drama.
And, to quote Fergie, “You don't want no drama.”
So, in conclusion:
–Don't go see KING KONG if you are an animal-lover…unless you have a space in your “crying show” allotment for the week and don't mind watching romances in which one party (initially, anyway) wants to eat the other party.
–Stay away from emotional vampires, which DO exist, even if the blood-sucking kind don't, and
–Think hard before adopting a pet just because someone else is trying to make you feel guilty. It may not turn out as well as my adoption of Henrietta did. It could, in fact, go tragically wrong, as it did for that woman who just had to get a face transplant because her dog ate her while she was unconscious…which is another example of why inter-species romances might want to be avoided unless everyone involved is on the same page about what's for lunch.