CATEGORY 7 RECAP CONTEST
Well, people, it was VERY difficult to select a winner in this contest, because there were so many entries, and many of them were so very, very good.
But in the end I had to go with the entry written by a young lady who has clearly watched way more television than I have—a feat I had not even thought possible.
There were a number of runner ups, however, all of whom have been notified by email and all of whom will receive small tokens of my esteem—i.e. not the advanced reader copy of their choice, but a signed edition of whatever else I had lying around in my book closet that, sadly, even after the Big Meg Cabot Book Give Away, is still way jammed.
There were several honorable mentions who will be receiving tokens of my gratitude for the laughs, as well, including:
Tara, who won Most Clearly Written and Lucid–While Still Managing to Be Funny– Recap (props to Tara as well for including a hilarious brief recap of VAMPIRE BATS).
Laura, who won Most Hilarious Commentary On What Was Happening While She Was Watching Category 7 (example: “Commercial: My dog is snoring with her head under the blankets and her hind end on my husband's pillow. What can be learned from this? #1. The canine species is immune to the excitement of rapid cuts, and #2) My husband should flip that pillow over before he uses it.”)
And Kerry, who won Best Recap by Someone Who Lives in England, Where I Didn't Even Know They Were Showing Category 7, and also Best Follow-Up to the Hideous Incident That Occurs At The End of Category 7 (Kerry's commentary about this is included at the end of the winning entry, so as not to spoil it for those of you who don't know yet What Happened. It was HIDEOUS, that's all I have to say, and Kerry, also clearly disturbed by it, Dug Deep to find More Information to Explain It for those of us who were so distraught by it, for which I thank her).
Thanks very much to ALL who entered—you're ALL winners in my book.
And now, without further ado, CATEGORY 7: The End of the World, Part 2, as recapped by Amy, whom I wish would recap every television disaster movie for our reading pleasure from now on:
So my parents totally taped this for me and sent it to me at school, JUST SO I CAN TRY THIS. Do you see what I do for you people? And by “for you people”, I clearly mean a shot at Princess Diaries 7. Shhh.
First of all, this the movie is not just called “Category Seven”. OH NO. It is Category Seven: THE END OF THE WORLD. And the “previously on Category Seven…” stuff is AWESOME. Like, I don't see this many explosions in an episode of Alias. My favorite part is the GIANT CLOWN HEAD WHICH CRUSHES PEOPLE TO DEATH. You know what? CBS is telling me this is the movie event of the year, and I totally believe them. This movie has Tom Skerritt, Swoosie Kurtz, and Shannen Doherty. I love ALL OF THEM.
Egypt, Buffalo, AND New York City are all being destroyed. Honestly? No offense to Buffalo people, but somehow I don't think these are all on par. I mean, obviously NYC is most important, but Buffalo never had a sphinx, you know?
I do love that the news channel has better cinematography than most WB shows. But, then, WB shows almost NEVER have monster storms, so I guess that makes sense.
Aw, FEMA is in trouble. Poor FEMA! And by “poor FEMA”, I mean “Wow, Gina Gershon has a lot of cleavage in this shirt”. In case that was unclear.
OH MY GOD NICHOLAS LEA IS IN THIS. NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WOULD BE KRYCEK! Truly, this is the best film ever.
Shannen Doherty looks so pissed off at Randy Quaid. And, honestly, this time I don't blame her. Which is thus better than when she got pissed off at, say, Veronica Sawyer. For example. Anyway, the important part here is that Randy “Tommy Tornado” Quaid is alliterating and then talking about the “sexy parts” of the tornado, and you know what you never want to hear? Randy Quaid talking about sex.
Also, he has a video camera that he keeps using and showing us things on his RandyCam. Which is not what he calls it, but he should.
Hurricane Eduardo? Shouldn't we be a little bit past the letter E when several cities have been destroyed? Like, Q or something? –Oh, what do I care? Logic has no place in this movie! It is filled with hot people and natural disasters. I need nothing else.
A random hot black guy says that in a few hours, it'll be too windy to walk, but don't worry, all the buildings will be JUST FINE. Then he just told Gavin that he's needed by the Secret Service, and all Gavin can say is “my nephew was evacuated.” Which means kidnapped, CLEARLY. Does this tie in to the first part in a deep and meaningful way? I don't know! I don't care! He's pretty, and IMDB says he was in the X-Files episode with the incestuous quadriplegics too! *That's* what's important here. Oh! Is he related to Gina Gershon? Oh my god, this movie needs Cliff's Notes!
The bus! I don't know what's going on, but they took someone's daughter. Oh my god, there's a THEY. Men in black masks! Are a they! The terrorists! And the kidnapping victims are all teenagers! Eleven of them! And now they are bolted into a room. Because, you know, that's what's important. And, yes! Gina Gershon's child is one of them! And they're not going to tell her because everyone knows that you cannot be a good political official if you worry about your kids. WICKED.
The teenagers, meanwhile, are trapped in a green-lit room and fighting over who was the IMPORTANT kidnapping victim. The son of FEMA director or the son of… the president? I have no idea! That just makes it BETTER! The important thing is, they were kidnapped during a CATEGORY SEVEN STORM, and the most important thing to them is WHO WAS THE IMPORTANT TARGET, the obnoxious popular boy or the cute floppy boy.
The senator's all “I'm sticking it out! So that the election next time works out well if I don't, you know, die and stuff!”
EXTREME WEATHER LAB. Oh my god! The worst kind of storm ever, a NUCLEAR STORM COMBINED WITH A CATEGORY FIVE HURRICANE and then there will be TORNADOS and it is going to converge RIGHT OVER DC. Oh, AWESOME. Gina Gershon and Ross are discussing whether or not to evacuate. The arguments appear to be “Do we really want to worry people? ” and “Duh, yes!” Okay, seriously, this is only TEN MINUTES IN. This is possibly the best bad movie ever.
Also, I appreciate that the director of FEMA needs to be wearing something that shows her cleavage. I think it helps fight the storm. And the Neilsens.
Meanwhile, Swoosie Kurtz is all “The Lord will provide! Don't worry!” And then she watches the news, which tells her that Hurricane Eduardo just hit Florida with “near-Apocalyptic” force. And THAT'S KRYCEK. WITH A BEARD. Oh, man, is he the one sleeping with Swoosie Kurtz? Because, for serious, that makes this the BEST MOVIE EVER. Krycek says “It's the end of the world.” Swoosie sends the Brigid way, and then hugs Krycek, who has a bizarre accent. Swoosie Kurtz is trying to send him away to SAVE HIMSELF and he's like “Nah, it's the end of days, I'm going to enjoy it.” Her: “What have you done?” Him: “Only the lord's work.”
OH MY GOD THAT'S JESSE FROM ROSWELL FLYING WITH TOM SKERRITT. I don't know why, or how, or anything, but dude, it's AWESOME. Anyway, they say pilot-y things, which get reported to the EXTREME WEATHER CENTER.
The plan involves a sled and Mach 2.5 going into the heart of the storm. NO ONE thinks this is a bad idea. Because they are all DUMB.
Gail is crying. No one knows anything about the kidnappers. That's what happens when your kidnappers aren't incompetent. Lots of hugging. Lots of slo-mo. Lots of talking at pitches only dogs can hear.
Gavin is hugging Gail, who'
;s… his wife? Sister? Cousin? Someway related to Stuart? I HAVE NO IDEA. Does anyone care? No, because the interesting part is the storm.
Brigid calls Gavin. There is no one in this movie more than two degrees from anyone else. Brigid is saying something weird's going on, and also be careful Gavin! And now she is looking up Biblical verse about the apocalypse, and voice-overing it too.
Randy Quaid thinks they're right near a twister. I'm hoping for a flying cow. Shannen Doherty is going to punch him, and I'm going to laugh. They're in contact with the EXTREME WEATHER CENTER, and apparently they're right by both Hershey Pennsylvania and a NUCLEAR POWER PLANT. So, basically, I want to marry this movie.
Tom Skerritt and Jesse just deployed something, but I have no idea what. I'm sure it is important and weather-related. Tom Skerritt is like “…So maybe this isn't ideal.”
You know, this type of thing never happened on Picket Fences.
Shannen Doherty's very busy being attractive. I guess that's to make up for the way the special effects are… not.
“If this hits DC, we're gonna need to find a new capitol.” ROCK.
After the commercial break, Tom Skerritt says that he saw the trigger, and the storm is “an explosion wrapped in a minefield,” and then he acts all crazy-like. He and Jesse-from-Roswell snark lovingly at each other. Not in a gay way, thank GOD. It's been a pleasure flying together! Now they're going to do something stupid and foolhardy that Ross told them not to.
Ross's boy minion at the EXTREME WEATHER CENTER succeeds at something involving computer simulation, which Ross brings to Gina Gershon, who does not ask if she can now have her Sims experience a hurricane, like I would. But Gina Gershon is already worried because the storm shelters are running out of room. But who cares? Ross found the trigger for the storm in the thermal plumes. Apparently the cure for the Category Seven storm? Is SHUTTING DOWN THE POWER TO THE ENTIRE CITY. I swear I am not making this up. AWESOME.
Dude. DUDE. The eleven kidnapped kids are on TV. The video was anonymously delivered, and talks Biblical about the Lord smiting the first born. Mmm, smiting. Swoosie Kurtz is freaked out because this means it's Krycek's fault. Well, duh. Never trust the one-armed man.
Gina Gershon is about to bust a cap in someone for not telling her that her son was kidnapped. That's… really hot. Shut up, it is.
Brigid is listening to Swoosie freaking out because clearly Krycek kidnapped the children. There's slow motion dodging for NO APPARENT REASON.
Gina Gershon and her boobs are giving an impassioned rousing speech to the EXTREME WEATHER CENTER, telling people to either stay and work, or get their families and get as far away as possible. Also, she needs irrefutable proof of the need to kill the power of the entire city.
Also, OH MY GOD KRYCEK'S CRAZY. His entire room is this STALKING CENTER for religious zealotry and Swoosie Kurtz-worship. I bet *he* has “Sisters” on tape. Even the episode where Falconer blows up, right after he married Teddy on the crashing plane, and then even though he was in the exploding car they manage to use his heart as a donor for the NEXT guy Teddy dated. No, for serious.
But it doesn't matter, because apparently God talked to Krycek, and Swoosie is yelling at him for being an idiot who's breaking both the law and the commandments. And then she's like “If you go to hell I won't be there with you!” AND THEN THEY MAKE OUT OH MY GOD. Brigid is spying on them and is creeped out, especially when OH MY GOD KRYCEK SHOOTS SWOOSIE KURTZ AND BRIGID SCREAMS AND *AWESOME*.
It's lightning-ing. Krycek's cronies are sitting there talking about whether they're dumb enough to wait for Krycek or not, and the greenlit kids are plotting in the little bunker thing they're being kept in. They're arguing over whether they can overpower the guards, or start a distraction. “That is RIDICULOUS!” “So is dying.” And they decide to use the girl as a decoy because the guards won't think she's a threat, but they know different because clearly the blonde chick is a bad-ass.
Brigid is running from Krycek. The camera work is bizarre and I have absolutely no idea where she is. I still cannot get the image of Krycek making out with Swoosie Kurtz out of my head. Brigid drops her cell phone somewhere.
Gina Gershon and her breasts want information to get to her dad. OF COURSE SHE DOES. I can't keep track of who her dad is, but at this point IT'S PROBABLY KRYCEK. *dares to dream* Then she calls the president to request he gets the word out.
Tom Skerritt's grandson and daughter are there to talk to him and hug him and let him say things like “I thought flying was the best thing ever, but no, it's being a grandfather!” Which was not what he said on Picket Fences when Kimberly was sleeping with her boyfriend, by the way. But no, he is just happy with his life as it is, he just wants to save the millions of lives at stake. That means he will die.
Brigid is crying and stuff, but eventually she finds her cell phone and is able to call Gavin, who is driving through the GIANT STORM, to say she is at the church and HELP HER and she knows who the kidnapper is. Okay, so apparently the warm hallway that Krycek's in is RIGHT OUTSIDE of the cold metal grating structure Brigid's in.
Whatever, I don't care, because now we're seeing places getting BLOWN APART via RandyCam. And the dialogue is AWESOME.
Randy: “It's humbling, you know? No matter how big you are, there's always something bigger.”
Shannen: “Are you humbled?”
Randy: “Well, not me, per se. In general.”
Hee! Then he has Shannen filming something else for him, which she does. Clearly, they need to star in a buddy comedy.
Over at the EXTREME WEATHER CENTER, Gina Gershon is on the phone with Tom Skerritt, thanking him for all that he's doing. Which is, essentially, being Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith all rolled into one, WITHOUT the alien threat. Or the Jewish stereotyping. Then he says piloty things, which Ross replies to, and then does some fancy flying. La la la special effects. I want to see more things blowing up. Or… any. I'm starting to think all the good stuff happened in the first part. We haven't had a single city destroyed yet!
The camera is shaking, and pieces of the aircraft are deconstructing, to let us know that Tom Skerritt is going to die. But he DID HIS JOB. The country is SUCCEEDING. Tom Skerritt is SO DEAD.
Commercial break. Jesus, that took a while. But! The bump showed the White House being destroyed. Awesome. I stop the tape to go get a drink, and when I come back I learn that John Stamos (aka Uncle Jesse from Full House, who was married to Becky, not to be confused with Jesse from Roswell, who was married to Isabel, who is now on Grey's Anatomy) is guesting on E.R. Apparently, sweeps month loves me.
Anyway. Ross and Gail cling to each other, and then Gina Gershon asks if Tom Skerritt didn't die for nothing, and one of Ross's minions is like “We got it. It's on the disc.” I don't understand what it is, but I bet it's important. So now they are turning off the power in DC- ALL OF DC- to shut down the storm, I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. Gina Gershon's like “When?” and Ross is like “a few hours” and Gina Gershon's like “Um, no.” and then Ross, really upset, says “THIS IS NOT HIGH SCHOOL SCIENCE!” and is really impassioned about it and it's horribly adorable.
Some dude is made a messenger of this data, and is told that for the next twenty minutes, he's the most important person in the world, which is kind of excellent. The minions are like “if they don't believe us, they deserve for their city
to be destroyed.”
Gavin is driving in the storm, presumably to get to Brigid, who's still hiding. Krycek goes in to find her. Brigid is trying to silently escape. Then there's running. Dude, she's not going to escape. There's fancy cutting. And Krycek has a gun and she manages to run and end up RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Go team!
Conference call. Ross and Gina Gershon's breasts try to convince everyone at the White House that the storm will obliterate DC. Essential argument: “So turn off the power!” “This will hurt everyone!” “Yes, but we won't all DIE TRAGICALLY.” “Okay, but we LIKE having power.” “Turning off the power is the only way this will work!” “Look, Gina Gershon, just because you used to be in love with Ross-” “I AM ROSS AND I AM STILL HERE AND YOU ARE DUMB AND I HATE YOU.” The Homeland Security dude, by the way, agrees with Gina Gershon. So he gets fired.
At this point, Ross says “You've all done a hell of a job, Brownie.” Except he doesn't say that last word? But it's close enough that I am FAR TOO HAPPY WITH THIS MOVIE. Anyway, then he continues that it's not safe to stay here anymore, so they need to take the tanks and go to the shelters. He hugs Gail goodbye, and then tells his two lackeys to go, and they look at him and are like “Um, no, we don't see that happening. We wanna save the world!”
Greenlit room. The blonde decoy girl is complaining that they'd actually be safer just staying down in the place where they are until the storm passes. Which, um, duh. They all go with annoying jock boy's Plan B instead, which is to grab sticks and bang on the wall and try to get let out while the blonde girl rolls her eyes a lot.
Krycek's lackeys: “Try to figure out why they're making so much noise.” GEE, I WONDER.
The Artist Formerly Known as Homeland Security confronts the press secretary, and they argue all manly-like about why TAFKAHS got fired and the press secretary chose to keep his job.
Greenlit. They go through with the whole plan where the blonde chick decoys and they end up capturing and disarming the guy? Which is great. Except that they fail. Sucks to be them. Still, Krycek's lackeys aren't happy: “It's a trap! They saw one of our face! We are doomed!”
Outside it's storming. I for one am shocked. SHOCKED.
The kid from the EXTREME WEATHER CENTER brings the senator the computer thing, and the senator promises to call the head of the European Union to solve the weather problems. Then he watches the press conference, as the TAFKAHS steps up and explains he was fired, and thus can't do it himself but- (the president cuts the power of the video)- implores the community to turn off all their power nonetheless. Of course, no one hears him. Because the president turned off the power on the camera. Hee. Irony is awesome.
It's still storming.
Brigid is trying to rationalize at Krycek, which is somewhat harmed by Krycek being KRAZY. But now they both start talking about Swoosie. Who's apparently both a good person and a “harlot”. This scene is the best because Krycek yells “This isn't about beggin' forgiveness, this is about the last judgment!” Then he tells a story about killing both the heretics and the believers, because GOD WILL KNOW HIS OWN.
Luckily, him shouting that tells Gavin where Krycek and Brigid are. Unluckily, because Gavin is an idiot, he gives away his presence RIGHT AWAY and now they have a stand-off. The most exciting part of this is that there are some shots exactly like shots in the X-Files.
Then Brigid says she wants to get killed first, so that when she's dead she can testify that Krycek is a very bad man, and Krycek starts arguing with her, and then somehow Krycek ends up shooting himself. No, seriously. Then she's like “You can go to heaven! But only if you tell me where the children you kidnapped are!” And he tells her and she and Gavin are like “Oh, duh, the water treatment facility, where else?” and Krycek is dead.
But, as we all know, old Kryceks never die, they just join the Consortium.
Shannen Doherty and Randy Quaid talk about getting shelter. Then Randy Quaid apparently decides that it's not nearly as important to have shelter as to be outside with the storm, and runs out while Shannen stays behind and mutters that he's going to die.
Brigid and Gavin run in slo-mo as the church starts to cave in, and every window begins EXPLODING. Oh, HELL yes. Wouldn't it be cool if the movie ended with weather actually conquering the country? I just think it'd be neat.
Despite the fact that it's already storming, we see a giant tornado appear on the barely-gray DC horizon. WICKED.
The Secret Servicemen are evacuating the White House. Also, Brigid and Gavin have a whole conversation SHOUTED OVER THE STORM, where he tells her to get shelter and then they kiss. In the middle of the storm. Like you do. But mostly the storm is DEVASTATING THE WHITE HOUSE. Dude, someone just got suctioned out the ceiling! The White House is COLLAPSING! Oh, man, I'm in LOVE.
Commercial. Phew. I think I was going to have a heart attack of adoration. And then we're back, with an American flag (apparently the Egyptians who died were just an unnecessary fluke) and we're back with DC in the eye of the FIRST storm. They're trying to evacuate before hitting “the second eye-wall” and then the second storm hitting causes a “category seven super storm” at which point all bets are off. Hi, AWESOME. I was wondering what might happen now that Krycek's dead. But it's okay, because the press secretary went in to save TAFKAHS.
Over at the EXTREME WEATHER CENTER, they're all bickering (“will you PLEASE stop talking like the Discovery Channel?”), and then Gina Gershon helpfully exposits to Ross that the whole White House is gone. There's no one to receive their project, but also no one to stop them from killing the power themselves. Gail offers to help with that. Gina Gershon decides to call Daddy.
Who is the Senator. Which I think we learned a while ago, but I managed to miss that connection because I am dumb? Still, AWESOME.
They are all on conference-call, and they plot something that makes no sense ANYWAY while dramatic music plays.
DC is in chaos. CHAOS! People are running and debris is blowing around. One of the shelters got destroyed, and the second eye wall is about to hit. What does that mean? Does anyone know? Does anyone CARE?
Ross has his two minions stay in the EXTREME WEATHER CENTER and monitor the weather while he and Gail drive off to go kill all the power in the city and lower the temperature 1.5 degrees. A
Greenlit. Floppy and Jock are fighting about escaping. The blonde girl decides that the problem is that the hurricane is letting the air out of the building, and “If the air can get out, so can we.” No, seriously. And then they discover that if they just MOVE A PIECE OF FURNITURE, there is a grate big enough for them to crawl through RIGHT THERE IN THE ROOM. God, they all deserve to die.
Aw, Shannen followed Randy Quaid to go stormchasing. Randy Quaid is *loving* watching the storm; he's practically glowing. And then- oh my god- we get FLASHBACKS to CATEGORY SIX, where Randy Quaid is in the car and gets sucked right up into the storm. Shannen is trying to convince him to let go and go inside, using the power of their friendship. Okay, seriously, if this movie goes to the Shannen/Randy place, I'm going to be sad. Can't they just be TORNADO-LOVING FRIENDS?
Gina Gershon runs into a car with Ross and Gail, because clearly the best plan is for them to DRIVE to the ENTIRE CITY'S GENERATOR, rather than, like, call someone closer by. OF COURSE.
Press secretary and TAFKAHS are talking about last things to get off their chests in case they die from the storm. Then they he
ar something, and then there's a GIANT FIREBALL EXPLOSION that sucks them in whole. Awesome.
Gavin calls Gina Gershon to tell her where the kids are, and they decide that because they're closer, Gina and Ross will go get the kids at the Water Treatment Facility, and Gail is going to stay and go deal with the power supply. Ross tells her to make sure the temperature drops to 79.2 degrees. They kiss.
Krycek's minions are trying to decide what to do. They opt to get out of there. One of the guys is like “What about the kids we kidnapped?” and gets the genius reply of “A lot of people are going to die today. It's nobody's fault.” You know, except for the part where you KIDNAPPED THEM. But hey. All's fair in love and category sevens, right? That would be when they discover that the kids found the vents, and decide to follow them. In their black terrorist ninja masks. Awesome.
The city is in ruins. People are running (YOU CAN'T OUTRUN A HURRICANE!) while PIECES OF DEBRIS FLY EVERYWHERE. And then the commercial break.
Back, and Gail is wandering and yelling “Hello?” when a dude is like “Hi. Why are you here?” She smiles and introduces herself and says, essentially, “Why are YOU here? Give me, a complete stranger, permission to do whatever I want to your power stuff.” And he's like “Okay, sure,” because he read her article on power problems in the new millennium. AWESOME.
Ross's minions are playing with the weather machine stuff. Both of them offer a lot of technobabble that they probably don't understand more than I do. Then their power line dies. This is bad. BAD! Until they realize they know where it is, and they're going to have to go outside into THE STORM to fix it. Wicked.
Gail convinces the guy to let her break every rule in the book on the basis of “Well, my kid was kidnapped!” No, it doesn't make sense to me either.
The kidnapped kids are escaping quite admirably. The blonde chick is leading all of them while Floppy and Jock bicker and she clearly wants to kill them both.
The guy lets Gail go in to deal with the power source, while she explains to him why it's necessary. Which, I mean, you'd think she might have done first? But whatever.
Gina Gershon and Ross, in the car, have an entire conversation using their OUTDOOR VOICES to be heard over the storm. Gina Gershon is all “Okay, but what if they NEED the power?” and Ross is like “Gee, not like it's a LITTLE LATE FOR THAT OR ANYTHING.”
Ross's boy minion is working on fixing the power supply while the hurricane rages outside. Then he screams, and then calls for help, because he has managed to get stuck in the pipes. AWESOME.
The kids get ready to escape, when they see the dudes with the black masks and guns. Floppy decides to play decoy, and tells everyone else to call his uncle once he, Blonde Chick, and Jock have distracted them. Jock is all irritated and Floppy's like “You want to be a leader? Well, this time shut the hell up.” It's kind of awesome.
Ross's boy minion is still trapped by metal pipes. Ross's girl minion is doing crazy science stuff. Boy minion's still trapped in the pipes. He finally calls her, and demands she comes to rescue him.
Everyone in this movie is running. Or chasing. Or running and chasing. Because it is a TV movie, and that is what you do. Mostly, Jock causes problems because he's an idiot, which result in his leg getting broken, which results in Blonde getting kidnapped, and Floppy is like “Okay. Now I'm in charge, because you are a dumbass.” And, I mean, he's right.
Gail checks. The temperature is at 80.6. Things aren't happening fast enough!
Ross and Gina Gershon are driving through the storm, when a giant billboard HURTLES TOWARDS THEIR CAR. And then commercial. Wow. I need a cigarette, and I don't even smoke.
The skyline is progressively darker, and the storms, you know, destroy everything, but Senator Gina Gershon's Daddy is very busy personally calling different countries and telling them (in English, of course) that the only way to prevent these storms is a city-wide blackout. Right.
Ross may be dead, and Gina Gershon is trying to wake him up, and I think she kind of wants to kiss him too. Then she calls Gavin instead.
There's fancy editing and stuff as Blonde Chick fights the kidnappers and screams and ends up locked in a room, and then walkie-talkies in to say he has one of the girls, find the others.
Boy Minion is trapped in the pipes and babbling. Girl Minion is about to climb the ladder to save him when the storm manages to destroy it, despite all of this happening in a dark room with no windows. He says he hopes she's as brilliant as she is hot. Aw, meteorologist-y geek love! Then she goes to rescue him. It's very cool. She is basically a hot bad-ass and he is a geek and they are adorable together.
Ross isn't dead! Good for him. Unfortunately, the car is on fire, and they can't find a way to fix it.
Gail and her techie guy are doing something new to fix things.
The Minions are yelling something incoherent over the storm.
Floppy is waiting with a big-ass gun, because Floppy is secretly a bad-ass.
Gavin shows up and helps Gina Gershon cut Ross out of his seatbelt. Then they all run to Gavin's car, and drive away.
Gail and her lab friend do a manual power shut down. And power supplies star sparking and there's lightning and things are EXPLODING. Dude.
Commercial. If I didn't love the Minions, I think I would be vastly disappointed that Krycek and Swoosie Kurtz and Tom Skerritt are all dead, and we barely hear ANYTHING from Shannen anymore.
MOVIE. Outside the window, the wind is blowing EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE. But inside, the minions are happy and giddy because Gail cut the power. And the temperature is at 79.3 degrees!
Gavin, Ross, Gina Gershon, and Gina Gershon's boobs arrive. She shouts for her son, but the others hush her, and they sneak around. Jock calls for them, and the big manly men decide that Gina Gershon should help Jock escape while they go find Floppy and the others. That lasts about two seconds before Gina Gershon sneaks off to go find people.
Floppy overhears some of the kidnappers saying “There's a tornado right outside this building!” Then he shoots through the window, opening the doors to the outside, and the kidnappers get SUCKED OUT INTO THE STORM. Then Floppy finds Blonde Chick. They don't know where anyone else is, but Floppy and Blonde Chick are saved! They run out, and I discover that Floppy IS Gina Gershon's son. AWESOME.
The kidnapper makes everyone go downstairs at gunpoint. Everyone, in this case, being everyone BUT Gavin, who comes up behind the kidnapper and shoots him.
Temperature's down to 79.2. The minions giggle happily, and then they kiss. Oh, geek love! My heart just expanded three sizes.
JESSE FROM ROSWELL! He's back, and he's evaluating, and magically, the storm disappears. “The storm is gone,” he says. “The storm's officially dead.” Then he looks up and smiles a little and says “Thanks to you, Tom Skerritt.”
Everyone is outside, in the bright son, helping Jock to the car or just admiring the way that all of a sudden it's sunny and beautiful. Jock apologizes to Floppy, and then comments that his mom is hot, which, um, she is. Blonde Chick hugs Ross. Then they both turn and discover that all the other kids aren't, like, dead or anything. Yay!
Gina Gershon gives a press conference, summarizing that there have been sacrifices and victories. Floppy hugs the blonde chick. Firemen deal with fire. FEMA is fully operational now! It's nice that it is somewhere. We as humans can now begin to control the weather! Gina Gershon gives a special shout-out to her homies, ak
a Senator Daddy. Apparently he single-handedly saved London and Helsinki. And now she explains how you stop the badness of these storms.
Blonde Chick and Floppy bond while serving people food.
Randy Quaid and Shannen Doherty get drunk together. And oh my god they *are* flirting. MAKE THEM STOP. THEY JUST KISSED OH MY GOD I NEVER NEEDED TO SEE THAT EW EW EW EW EW.
FEMA is now there to stop any environmental disasters that they're causing. Until the day that, Gina Gershon hopes, they're hardly needed at all. And people have hope now.
In conclusion, this was the best movie ever, and I cannot wait 'til Category Eight.
Thank you, Amy. Your recapping abilities are beyond good, and I know I speak for all readers of my blog when I say, “What is the address of Amy's blog? Because we all want to read it.”
And now, with a special commentary on the part of Amy's recap that I'm sure disturbed you as much as it disturbed me, is Kerry:
[Everything is wrapping up.
Except for one thing.
Did I forget to mention?
SHANNEN AND RANDY ARE DOING IT!! He called her a redneck and now they're doing it. I am NOT even kidding!
This is where Category 7: The End of the World, movie event of the year, ends.
BUT! Check this out:
~SHANNEN DOHERTY has fallen for her CATEGORY 7: THE END OF THE WORLD co-star RANDY QUAID.
She accepts the KINGPIN star is not a typical hunk, but was smitten after they played unlikely lovers in the new TV disaster movie.
She says, “There is something incredibly sexy about Randy and I think it's that, obviously, he's gruff and he's a character and I like a man with character.
“He's like a teddy bear. I had this kissing scene with him and he's so much bigger than me and he just grabbed me by the elbows and took me up and, like, planted one on me, and put me down and I'm like, 'OK.' We made out and he's a good kisser.”~]
And to that, I would just like to add what I know all of you are now thinking: A great, big
Thanks again to all who recapped. You are all true American heroes (even those of you who are from Canada and England).