Okay, I just found out Shannen Doherty is in this made-for-TV disaster movie, supposedly a sequel to last year's CATEGORY SIX which I apparently saw but I don't remember.
Who cares? I can't dwell in the past. With Shannen Doherty in it, HOW CAN IT BE BAD???? DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!!!!
That is why I feel obligated to recap this film for anyone who might have missed it. Really, it is just wrong that you should be denied this joy.
CATEGORY SEVEN starts…now.
HUMANITY WILL HAVE TO FIGHT LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW–THE MOVIE EVENT OF THE YEAR:
It opens in Paris…as all movies should. People are having a fun time at an amusement park. Ah! A mime! That is how you know it's France. Besides the Eiffel Tower.
Interestingly, all the people in Paris speak English.
Next scene: Extreme Weather Lab, Washington DC—Supercells over Paris! Weather guy's model indicates these supercells are no different than the ones in Vegas and Chicago (AS YOU WILL RECALL FROM CATEGORY SIX, last year's movie event of the year).
Uh-oh…the Eiffel Tower has been struck by lightning. The mime is running! The French bureaucrats don't believe this is a global crisis….but the mime knows.
Buh-bye, Champs Elysees. Buh-bye, Eiffel Tower.
This is the best movie EVER. And Shannen Doherty hasn't even appeared on screen yet!
Weather guy: “It's worse than Chicago. We're out of time.”
“To repeat—Gay Paree just got stomped. In short, the whole world has just gone off the rails.”
A hard-bitten detective's exwife just got made director of FEMA—GINA GERSHON. She is much better dressed than our last director of FEMA. So far, you're doing a heck of a job, Gina. You should roll up your sleeves though so it looks like you're working.
Is Gina the only one wondering if this spate of storms is coincidental? Apparently so. Also, apparently no one is suspecting what I am suspecting…that it is Osama Bin Laden and his evil weather machine.
Some flunky of Gina's was “friends with benefits” with a guy named Jesse who worked on the “Ross Duffy” report that fundamentally predicted the places that got hit, including Paris. Gina's search for answers as to why this report got shredded by the government meets with stone-walling. BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT IS OSAMA AND HIS EVIL WEATHER MACHINE!!!
Ooops, Mall of America just got whacked by a Cat. 6. Also, Mt. Rushmore.
OH MY GOD I THINK GINA GERSHON'S SON DATES THE DAUGHTER OF THE GUY WHO WROTE THE “ROSS DUFFY REPORT.” AND GINA GERSHON USED TO DATE ROSS DUFFY IN COLLEGE.
You know, people don't think coincidences like this take place in real life, but they totally do. For instance, on General Hospital, there was a guy with an evil weather machine, too. Or maybe it was Young and the Restless. But you get my gist.
SWOOSIE KURTZ plays the wife of a bible-thumping televangelist!!!! AWESOME!!!
A pretty Veronica Mars-like reporter hates televangelists who try to take advantage of middle America. She is determined to bring Swoosie and her husband, James Brolin, down, but right now, she is stuck writing the Obit column.
Ross Duffy's teenaged daughter just took a picture of her boobs and emailed them to Gina Gershon's son!
I am making this sound better than it is.
MOUNT RUSHMORE—FOREST RANGERS. Seriously, these forest rangers have the stupidest looking shorts on that I have ever seen. They look worse than the forest ranger in the Yogi Bear cartoon. WORSE. They are worried because Mount Rushmore is shaking.
Back in Washington, there is a press conference going on:
“Is the president regretting his decision not to sign the Kyoto accord?” a reporter asks. “No,” White House spokesperson responds. “He is not panicking.”
“Because FEMA is going to kiss it and make it better” (actual quote from Gina Gershon's assistant, the one who was “friends with benefits” with Jesse, the “Ross-Duffy” report assistant).
OH MY GOD…GEORGE WASHINGTON JUST FELL OFF MOUNT RUSHMORE!!!! SO DID THE FOREST RANGER IN THE UGLY SHORTS!!!!!
I guess the President was wrong.
Okay, so on a side note, does it fully bug you when you overhear someone else's conversation at a restaurant and what they are talking about doesn't interest you, but since you are stuck at the table next to you, you HAVE to listen, even if what they're talking about is an in-depth analysis of their friend's foot surgery? It bugs me. In restaurants when this happens, I demand a new table. Am I the only one who does this? He Who Shall Be Named In This Blog says it's just me and that he's tired of changing tables in restaurants. But seriously. Come on. Is it just me?
Okay, back to the show: Extreme Weather Lab: Gina Gershon is there to see Ross. Her old love. Ross denies predicting that global warming is creating new degrees of weather. But something else is creating the worse weather the earth has ever known (duh: Osama bin Laden.)
The fact that this is down to Ross and Gina Gershon is “profoundly odd” to her. But she is looking at the one guy who might be able to save a lot of people from dying. Ross is game. He just needs to call two buddies….
RANDY QUAID, who, I now remember from CATEGORY 6, was injured photographing tornadoes in tornado ally.
Oh….the other buddy Ross needs to call is Shannen Doherty, who is not ONLY a grad student but also a hot Coyote Ugly type bartender. That so often happens.
Meanwhile, Ross's wife has an OSHA meeting tonight. That means she will die and he will be free to be with Gina Gershon. I'm just saying.
Randy Quaid says, “When I was up in that twister, looking down at the Sears tower, I popped that lock to my SUV and jumped out…and saw my destiny.” That tornado dropped him straight into Lake Michigan. And so he lived to take the keys from Ross to a pimped Ford 4 by 4 with Shannen Doherty inside. They are going “weather hunting.”
Meanwhile, Swoosie Kurtz and James Brolin are preaching. All these storms are shaking the shoulders of those who need waking up. Also, the shoulder of the kid who is sleeping with Swoosie Kurtz, only her husband doesn't know.
Shannen Doherty is wondering where her career went SO wrong that she is stuck in a 4 by 4 with Randy Quaid.
He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog: “Shannen Doherty is actually thinking, 'This is so cool. I'm totally high, and they're PAYING me for it.'” (ALLEGEDLY)
Gina Gershon is Robert Wagner's kid, and he's a congressman…his Secret Service agent is her brother.
Uh-oh, the frogs at the function at which Robert Wagner, Gina, and her brother are gathered are crawling in the crudités. I KID YOU NOT. IT IS THE PLAGUES OF EGYPT. Can the pyramids be next?
PEOPLE ARE CONVULSING BECAUSE OF THE POISONED FROGS!!! Hello. Why would you eat a live frog if you noticed it on your crudités? Why?
Uh-oh…the pyramids of Egypt….I KNEW IT!!!! The Extreme Weather Lab thinks they're in trouble next….
And…yes, they are. Ross calls Gina Gershon. “We're not in Kansas anymore. I never predicted this.” Lightning and tornadoes.
Ooooh, the Donnas sold out to Nissan Exterra. You go, girls.
Devil Boy Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog just came out here with some Haagen-Dazs. I will have no sympathy when he complains about his pants not fitting anymore.
Back to the show.
Swoosie Kurtz and her young boyfriend are FREAKING OUT about the frogs and Egypt. So is Gemima, who is ins
isting on laying on me. Get off! Can't you see I am blogging about something vitally important?
He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog: “No one cares about this movie but you.”
That is so not true. You care, right? Shannen Doherty cares. ALL RIGHT? SHANNEN DOHERTY CARES!!!! DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!!!! DONNA MARTIN—oh, the show is back on.
Gina Gershon is defending her decision to hire Ross to find out what's going on. The reporter is making fun of her decision to hire Ross, because Ross has hired Randy Quaid.
Well, she has a point.
Now Gina is trying to hire Tom Skerrit to fly into the hurricanes and explain them. Because they just pop up anywhere with no warning (um, having just had a week's warning for the most recent hurricane to hit Florida, I must object to this. But then, it is Osama's weather machine causing the ones on this show, so maybe they are different) and he needs a special plane.
Gemima just left because I was typing too furiously.
Robert Wagner wants his son to look after Gina Gershon, because she's playing with the big boys now. While he is talking about this, horse flies attack the Capitol Building. Swoosie Kurtz urges us all to turn to God. So does James Brolin.
The intrepid girl reporter still wants to do a story on them (Brolin/Kurtz). Not the flies, though.
Meanwhile, in the clear skies of South Dakota, Randy Quaid suspects something very big is churning. Shannen Doherty is on it…she sets off a rocket to trace whatever it is. She has five minutes before the storm hits to warn the Shady Oaks Trailer Park where adorable children are playing.
“Let her rip, man,” a man yells.
“Let me know how that works for you,” Randy Quaid yells back.
Then the tornado hits. As Randy and Shannen are physically propelling the trailer park residents, who are apparently incapable of walking on their own, to safety.
Ooops, let her rip man guy (who is, of course, a pot dealer) stole Randy Quaid's new pimped up 4 by 4. But he left Randy's video camera behind, so Randy can film the tornado.
Meanwhile, Tom Skerritt is flying overheard, trying to see what's at the center of this storm.
Little known tornado tip: If a trailer is coming at you, just hide behind a telephone pole. It will protect you, like it did Randy Quaid and Shannen Doherty.
He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog is sleeping like a little angel now, with Gemima by his side.
Back on: OK, the pot dealer had a change of heart and came back with Randy Quaid's 4 by 4. Shannen Doherty slugs him. Go, Shannen.
Did Ross get the data? Randy has the data…in his HEAD.
Uh-oh…major storm in the Caribbean. These storms are going to meet up and join into one giant storm. “We're going to need a FEMA to look after FEMA.”
Um…don't we need that already?
Swoosie Kurtz and James Brolin think these really ARE the Lord's plagues. “And flies shall fill the houses of your officials. What else can the Lord be saying than come to me? Don't wait another minute! Show him your faith! Send what you can!”
James Brolin is seeming to have second thoughts about all this even though donations are at an all time high. Ooooh! Swoosie Kurtz opened a box of flies and caused THAT particular plague. James Brolin doesn't like that. He is going to the storm to preach beneath its awesome faith. Or something. Swoosie and her boyfriend look scared.
Ross and Gina are having pizza, while the paparazzi shoots pictures of them. They have heard that Gina is using FEMA funds to support Dr. Ross Duffy's research, and he is, as we all know, her exboyfriend. And he hired Randy Quaid.
Ooops, Dr. Duffy's wife just saw the footage of her husband and Gina Gershon eating pizza together on TV. So did Gina and Dr. Duffy's kids. Who are dating. And Gina's exhusband, the detective…who turns out to be married to the intrepid reporter determined to write about Swoosie Kurtz!!!! The detective just got handed a horse fly from the Capitol building and told to investigate. YES!!! IT ALL FITS!!! JUST LIKE OSAMA AND HIS EVIL WEATHER MACHINE!!!!
AAAACK!!!! THE GLADE PLUG-IN THOMAS KINKAID COLLECTION!!!!! I AM FREAKING OUT!!! THAT GUY'S PAINTINGS BUG ME!!!!! Almost as much as people who sit by me in restaurants and talk about foot surgery.
Have you seen those Thomas Kincaid books? THEY ARE JUST LIKE THE LEFT BEHIND BOOKS!!!! Only they are about strangely lit cottages, not Satan. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. There is a Thomas Kincaid gallery here in Key West, and I have to look at his creepy strangely backlit paintings EVERY TIME I RIDE BY IT ON MY BIKE.
Look, I understand he's popular. But people do realize he doesn't REALLY paint all those paintings??? RIGHT??? HE DOESN'T REALLY PAINT THEM ALL. YOU ARE NOT BUYING ORIGINAL ART WHEN YOU BUY A KINCAID.
And he didn't really write all those books, either.
Back to the show: The superstorm that destroyed Mt. Rushmore, Paris, Egypt, Chicago, Hong Kong, and now Florida is inescapable. Even Gina's ex and his reporter girlfriend can't escape it while they are MAKING LOVE.
Gina's son is really upset that Gina's love life is making his girlfriend uncomfortable, because she thinks her dad is cheating on her mom, who isn't dead yet, but does believe that her husband is cheating on her, because she used to be Gina's ROOMMATE and she knows how Gina looks when she's interested in someone, even though Ross Duffy insists he loves his wife. I know you think I am making this up, but I'm not, I swear.
Buffalo, New York is the next target for a storm…and for Hall Ministries, aka Swoosie Kurtz and James Brolin, who are there to help take away the people's fear in a giant ball park during the storm.
20 Miles South of Buffalo, people are panicking…both bridges are out and Tom Skerrit is flying above Iowa…Randy Quaid and Shannen Doherty are on their way…to set up more rockets and be almost hit by flying kayaks.
Oh. James Brolin, rehearsing his speech, just got hit by lightning.
How is Swoosie going to tell her brethren that James Brolin is…oh, she's just telling them. It is the end of days. Buh-bye.
If it were really the end of days—like in the LEFT BEHIND series–I would eat so many DING DONGS. Why is no one doing this? People—it is the end of the world. No one is going to notice how big your butt is. EAT DING DONGS.
Swoosie's boyfriend is going back to his room to write in his journal. WHY??? WHY IS HE DOING THIS INSTEAD OF EATING DING DONGS????
Meanwhile, the intrepid reporter wrote such a good obit on James Brolin that Swoosie Kurtz called her. The detective is apparently sexually aroused by this.
Meanwhile, all the storms are converging. Gina Gershon views the body bags. Congress has just gone into emergency session. They are evacuating all families of emergency personnel. Gina's son is on that list.
Gina wants Ross Duffy's family on that list. He is the most important person in the city right now.
Ross Duffy is staring into the answer to the problem RIGHT NOW but he can't find the correlation in the data (aka Osama). Even though the EXTREME WEATHER LAB guys are working on it.
Gina lets him know the government wants them to evacuate their families. Duffy realizes she wouldn't ask if it weren't important, but Gina's son and Duffy's daughter—not to mention his wife—don't agree.
Ooooh, teen fight between Gina's son and some rich guy from her school. Awesome. He's evacuating with them. Yeah, baby. That won't be awkward.
At the EXTREME WEATHER LAB, Duffy wants his assistant to put the kettle back on. “You're a genius,” he says. See, he has just realized that our cities are heat islands that generate heat columns through the atmosphere…our ACs, our car exhaust. What if that heats up and hits something…like the mesosphere? Our green house gases are hitting the mesosphere and when that happens, you get a fallen chunk of mesosphere, and an enormous differential—ergo, a big, big storm.
Um…so does that mean it's not Osama Bin Laden and his evil weather machine? That sucks!
Why is everyone in this house asleep except for me? Why will no one bring me Ding Dongs?
Back to the show: As Washington prepares for the arrival of Hurricane Eduardo, Gina sends her kid off—he apparently doesn't miss his dad, the detective. And Ross Duffy's kid and wife are leaving on the same bus. Gail, aka the wife, thinks it is a good chance for them to think about what she and Ross really want (hint: apparently they do not want Ding Dongs, which I frankly don't understand).
Meanwhile, 30,000 national guard members are positioned to respond in DC. I guess in this movie, the Iraq war is over.
Duffy is positioning everyone to “nail this sucker.” I guess that means he's going to—
ACK!!!! TERRORISTS!!! THEY HAVE HIJACKED THE BUS THAT DUFFY'S KID AND WIFE ARE ON! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!!! THEY JUST TOOK GINA GERSHON'S KID AND DUFFY'S KID AND THE RICH KID AND SET OFF A TEAR GAS CANISTER IN THE BUS!
However, none of the terrorists looked like Osama.
Also, between you and me, I don't think Gail is going to make it.
Every artery in and out of New York City is impassable…except to Randy Quaid. Who drives on the sidewalk in his pimped up 4 by 4.
And Tom Skerritt, in Cyclone One, flies overhead.
Shannen and Randy are setting up more rockets. Five funnels outside New York City. The Statue of Liberty is underwater. Ooops, so are Shannen and Randy. Oh, no wait, they climbed up onto a building….and lost their second to last rocket!
Tom Skerrit's plane has lost most of it's data. WATER IS FLOWING THROUGH TIMES SQUARE.
This is almost as alarming as the Glade Plug In Thomas Kincaid Collection.
Shannen and Randy got their rocket off….The data is coming in….
Gina Gershon's phone rings. The northern storm is bending south, and will collide with Hurricane Eduardo. How bad is that? If those two storms hit DC at the same time…we're talking Category SEVEN!!!!!
Okay, I am not even kidding…the Statue of Liberty's arm just flew through the air and seemed to land on Shannen Doherty….
AND THEY PUT “TO BE CONTINUED” ON THE SCREEN!!!!
IT IS TO BE CONTINUED NEXT SUNDAY!!!!!
May I just point out that next Sunday I will be recuperating from a bar mitzvah and I don't even know if I will be able to WATCH THIS?
But I will try. For you. My readers. Because I can't leave you like this. Because that would just be wrong.