That’s It/I’m Out Part Deux
I did not have plans to elaborate further on the “That’s it/I’m out” moment in relationships mentioned in my last blog.
However, the amount of mail I received on the subject indicates that it be re-addressed. Specifically, people want to me to define the exact moment when one should call it quits on the relationship, the argument being that often the “That’s it. I’m out” moment sometimes occurs months and even years before the parties involved actually call it quits, and they feel like if they’d just called it quits when the moment really happened, they’d have wasted a lot less time, instead of giving the person the benefit of the doubt again and again.
While this is undoubtedly true, relationships are all about learning about each other, and if we all called it quits after only one or even a few mistakes on the part of our beloved, there would be no longterm relationships at all.
That said, some mistakes are worse than others. To me, cheating is a deal-breaker, but everyone has his or her own personal limits of what he or she will put up with. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving people second and even third chances if what they’ve done isn’t TOO bad and they show remorse and a willingness to improve (and then show improvement over time).
The only danger in this is giving TOO many chances, without any sign of improvement…because sometimes when we give chance after chance, all we are really doing is just allowing the people we love to continue to do the bad behavior without having to face any consequences for it. So why should they stop? They won’t.
It took me many long years and many boyfriends before I finally learned that the way to tell that your “That’s it/I’m out” moment has come with a guy (aside from the OBVIOUS ones, such as finding him in bed with someone else) is when you’ve given him more than enough chances on biggish things, and he STILL continues to do them without remorse.
By biggish things I am not talking about not cleaning up after himself, which is a problem that can be solved very easily by both of you pitching in for a cleaning service (a small act which has saved many a marriage), but his refusing to make a commitment or even say I love you after an appropriate amount of time (and everyone has to judge what that is for herself) has passed.
It’s when you realize that your life would be a lot better, simpler, and happier without him in it–even if temporarily you might be unhappy for a while—that you know it’s time to say sayonara.
When that moment happens, believe me, you’ll know.
And don’t beat yourself up if it takes longer than you think it should to reach the quitting point, because it’s all just part of the learning process, and makes you appreciate the guy/girl you do finally end up with all the more….
And keep in mind that, while they can sometimes be nice to have around, none us NEED guys (or girls) to be happy—happiness is something you have to find inside yourself.
Trust me on this.
In other news:
I got a starred Publisher’s Weekly review–and a new cover design–for Size 12 Is Not Fat. Check’em out!
Size Twelve is Not Fat: A Heather Wells Mystery, in stores December 27, 2005
Bag the tiara and get out the gun: Heather Wells, former teen idol, turns detective in the cute debut of a new mystery series from bestseller Cabot (THE PRINCESS PROJECT and other titles in her Princess Diaries series). After the 20-something Heather’s rocker boyfriend dumps her, and her mother and manager flee with her earnings, she becomes an assistant director of an undergraduate residence hall in Manhattan’s New York College (read: NYU) in hopes of free tuition. When students start to die mysteriously while “elevator surfing” in the building, weight-conscious, romance-obsessed Heather goes on a crazed hunt to uncover the truth…with an unwavering sense of style. As Magda, Heather’s dorm cashier friend, says: “Even if the rest of your life is going down the toilet, at least your toes can still look pretty.” Cabot delivers Heather’s amateur sleuthing adventures in a rapid-fire narrative that may leave some readers begging for time-outs to control sudden laughing fits.–10/03/05–Publishers Weekly