Festival/Real Life Teen
So I'm back from the National Book Festival in Washington DC (well, not really. I'm writing this from the airport, waiting to board my plane back to Key West. But I'll be back by the time you read this, since this airport doesn't have wi-fi, so I can't go online).
Anyway, I had a very nice time at the festival, although I did feel terrible for all the people who asked me to sign books after my speaking event. I honestly couldn't do it. I don't know if people who came to the speaking event were aware that I had just signed books for an hour and forty minutes before that (forty minutes more than I was scheduled to, because of the number of people who showed up), or if they just thought that since I was there, they might as well ask.
But I really couldn't stick around after my speaking event to sign books, because
a) my hand really hurt from signing hundreds of books just an hour before, and
b) my mom was there to pick me up and she was actually waiting for me.
So I hope anyone who was there and who is harboring intense feelings of dislike for me because I wouldn't sign their books will realize that it wasn't because I'm a snob or that I don't like you or appreciate your reading my books. It was just that my hand was all cramped up, and I needed to meet my mom.
I kind of have mixed feelings about the book festival since I had a really good time, hanging out with my cool Library of Congress escort Abby, and getting to pose with Clifford the Big Red Dog (I was only joking about him sexually molesting me during the photo shoot, I swear) and R.L. Stine. It was fun to see famous authors like him and Diana Gabaldon and Jonathan Safran Foer.
It wasn't so fun though when I opened up the festival program last night for the first time (whatever. I was busy. I didn't have time to look at the program while I was actually AT the festival, and besides, I didn't have my glasses with me) and saw that I had missed GIADA DE LAURENTIS!!!!!
I can't believe my favorite Food TV celebrity was at the same event I was, and I MISSED her. I could have checked out her cuticles, to see if they really are hers or some hand model's. I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED GIADA.
But that—and the whole thing where I couldn't sign people's books because I had to go—were the only downers.
After I left DC I went to my mom's house and had one-on-one Mom-time for the rest of the weekend. Mom-time included normal mom things, like going to the mall and watching the movie JUST LIKE HEAVEN starring Reese Witherspoon, then eating some of Mom's homemade crab rolls.
I really liked Mom-time, and the crab rolls. JUST LIKE HEAVEN had its moments, but there were a few times when I found myself wishing something would explode. Just to liven things up whenever Donal Logue wasn't on screen. Although I LOVE Mark Ruffalo, especially since he had a brain tumor in real life and almost died, so it is always refreshing to see him, even in a movie about someone dying from a brain injury (I hope that wasn't a spoiler for anyone).
After the movie Mom and I went shopping and ended up in a POPULAR CHAIN bookstore. While I was in the POPULAR CHAIN bookstore, I checked to see if they had my books, and they did, all except the Mediator and 1-800 series, which I thought was weird.
So then I thought maybe there was a special “teen paranormal” section for those, so I went to look for it. But all I could find was something called the “Real Life Teen” section.
I don't believe they have “Real Life Teen” sections in the POPULAR CHAIN bookstores in New York City, nor do they have one here in Key West. So, out of curiosity, I stopped to check out the Real Life Teen section, and you know what they had there?
The entire teen series of LEFT BEHIND.
In case you don't know, the LEFT BEHIND series is about a bunch of people who are “left behind” after the Rapture (or whatever), when all the non-sinners get called to the kingdom of heaven, and the only people left on earth are people like me and Kathy Griffin, who say the F word a lot and make jokes about Clifford the Big Red Dog sexually molesting us during our photo shoots.
Only the people in the LEFT BEHIND series aren't funny like Kathy Griffin (and, seriously, wouldn't you rather be LEFT BEHIND with Kathy Griffin than be in heaven with, say, Kathy Lee Gifford?). In fact, the people who have been LEFT BEHIND seem to have no sense of humor at all that I can tell.
But maybe that's because they're mad because they were LEFT BEHIND.
Anyway, I have actually read several installments of the LEFT BEHIND series, because often there is nothing else to do at book signings while I am waiting to do my event, so I grab whatever book is handy, and there usually seems to be a LEFT BEHIND book handy.
So I feel qualified in stating that the LEFT BEHIND series does not represent REAL LIFE TEENs AT ALL. If anything, it represents sci-fi/fantasy, since THE RAPTURE HASN'T ACTUALLY HAPPENED, AND THEREFORE CANNOT BE CALLED “REAL LIFE.”
I was so freaked out after that–wondering if I was wrong and the Rapture HAD happened in REAL LIFE, and I was LEFT BEHIND and didn't know it (but that particular POPULAR CHAIN bookstore did)–that I had to go take a long walk around my mom's suburban neighborhood, which has no sidewalks and besides which I forgot to bring walking shoes, so I was wandering around in my cowboy boots with my pink hair and everyone was looking at me weird from their SUVs, and I kept expecting the earth to open up and hell to swallow me whole and Satan to be all, “DIDN'T YOU KNOW THE LEFT BEHIND SERIES IS ACTUALLY REAL LIFE??? Why did you say that unkind thing about Clifford the Big Red Dog? And how many times did you use the F word today, young lady?”
Or that at least I'd get arrested for vagrancy.
But all that happened was that a small Jack Russell barked at me, and then her owners waved cheerfully in my direction.
Anyway, that was my weekend. I'm glad I'm home, if only because I discovered that Slutty McSlut-a-Lot was basically allowed to move in during my absence. Good thing Henrietta only has that one eye, or she might have noticed that there is ANOTHER CAT LIVING IN HER HOUSE.
Well, I have to go write what I consider REAL LIFE TEEN books now. If I saw you at the book festival, THANK YOU FOR COMING! I really do appreciate it.