THIS BLOG HAS ONCE AGAIN BEEN SEIZED BY ME, HENRIETTA CABOT, MEG’S (allegedly) ONE-EYED CAT!!!!
Hello, all. I have once again gained control of this blog while Meg is off somewhere doing whatever it is she does when she isn't here, which never involves ME. That's because she won't let me out of the house due to my physical challenge, since she thinks, because I am blind in one eye, the outdoor cats in the neighborhood might be able to get the better of me in a fight.
I would like to see them try, is all I have to say about that.
Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to let you know that, regarding this “moving” business, I had nothing to do with it, although this new house is much more suitable for a cat of my sensibilities, in that my litter box is now located in a room of my own, as opposed to under the sink in a bathroom I was forced to share with my “owners.”
True, my new room is also occupied by a washer and dryer. But as they, unlike my “owners,” do not drip on me as they are getting out of the shower or brushing their teeth, I don't mind.
I would further like to state, for the record, that, regarding the “knocking the laptop off the bed” incident–incurring heartache, a work backlog, and several thousand dollars in costs for my “owner”–that I was not the one who chose to make the bed my workplace. I, like a normal cat, SLEEP on the bed. I do not leave pieces of expensive electronics lying on it, where anyone could accidentally brush them off onto the ground, destroying the hard drive.
And all's well that end's well, as my “owner” has a new laptop with most of the data from the old one (oddly, so far only the Jackson Five's “Going Back to Indiana” did not transfer from the old computer's iTunes. I personally consider this a blessing).
But while all of the above is, I'm sure, fascinating to all of you, it is not what I have taken over this blog to say. And that is this:
It has come to my attention that there is some disagreement amongst the ranks of my “owner's” readers as to the merits of casting the actress Raven Symone in the role of Samantha Madison, should Disney choose to film my “owner's” book, “All American Girl.”
I would like all of you to know that I sympathize, and I have come up with a solution that I feel will satisfy all parties:
I, Henrietta Cabot, should be cast in the role of Samantha Madison.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, “But Samantha Madison is human, and you're a cat!”
I am aware of this fact.
But don't you think this absurd prejudice against cats playing human roles should end? It is completely unfair. I mean, I personally know that Reese Witherspoon won the role of Becky Sharp in “Vanity Fair” over several cats. And who could play Becky better than a cat, I ask you? Ms. Witherspoon is very talented, I grant you. But she is no cat.
A few of you younger readers may not know this, but the rest of you are, I'm sure, fully aware that at one time a cat was being considered for the role ultimately won by Sandra Bullock in the movie “Speed.” The only reason they didn't use a cat was because they couldn't find a cat big enough to work the bus's pedals and the steering wheel at the same time.
And I'm sure ALL of you are aware that the role played by Angelina Jolie in the movie “Mr and Mrs Smith” was originally intended to be performed by a cat…until, in an act both unfair, and, by all accounts, unscrupulous, Ms. Jolie convinced the director to cast her, and not the cat to whom the part was originally offered, in the role. Why? Apparently because Ms. Jolie has opposable thumbs, and can therefore operate a firearm.
This is cat persecution, plain and simple. And it must end.
I know what some of you are thinking: “How do you know all this, Henrietta? Where did you come by this information? I watch Entertainment Tonight every day, and I never saw anything about the part of Mrs. Smith originally having been written to be played by a cat.”
Well, I will tell you: I AM THE CAT AGAINST WHOM THESE PERNICIOUS OUTRAGES WERE WAGED.
Yes, I was to play Angelina's role of Mrs. Smith. I don't like to brag, but I am considered, among cats, perhaps the greatest thespian since Morris. It's true, you have never seen me on film or the stage. But that is only due to my owner's total selfishness in refusing to get me the kind of representation I both need and deserve. Because what kind of roles get offered to cats who don't have agents?
None. That is what kind.
That is why I am falling upon your mercy, asking—no, BEGGING you—to consider pressuring my “owner” into allowing me the honor of playing Sam in the upcoming film. I can't say that I will play the role better than Ms. Symone. Obviously, my portrayal will be different, not necessarily better. Ms. Symone has the use of both eyes, whereas I have full sight in only one.
And no, I don't have red hair…or rather I do, but it is fetchingly mixed in with black, brown, and white hair, in what is referred to as a “tortoiseshell” coat.
But surely you, as Meg Cabot readers, aren't prejudiced against the one-eyed and tortoiseshell-coated. Just because a role wasn't originally written for a “one-eyed, tortoiseshell-coated” individual doesn't mean that individual couldn't play the role as well as a two-eyed, non-tortoiseshell-coated individual—or possibly even better. After all, Anne Hathaway is a brunette. But in the books of The Princess Diaries, Mia is a blonde.
If you can accept Mia as a brunette, undoubtedly you can accept Sam as a one-eyed, tortoiseshell cat.
That is why I am taking this opportunity to urge all of you to think. THINK ABOUT THE CATS.
And begin your letter writing campaign today—HENRIETTA FOR SAM, c/o Meg Cabot, 532 La Guardia Place, #359, New York, NY 10012.
Perhaps, if she hears your pleas, my “owner” will reconsider, and allow me finally to pursue the career I was clearly always meant to have—cat actress.
I will say no more, except…adieu. Parting is such sweet sorrow (incidentally, I was supposed to get that role, as well…until they decided to give it to Claire Danes, just because Leonardo di Caprio didn't want to kiss a cat . I was never so insulted in my life. Apparently, he is a dog lover. Ick).