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Meg's Blog

True Conversation

So I called my friend Beth because I was feeling a little depressed.

But Beth, who works in the same office I used to work in, before I quit to write full time four years ago, was busy talking to a parent whose kid didn't like the room he'd been assigned for the summer. She said she'd call me back.

At about four forty-five, when I still hadn't heard from her, I called HER back.

Me: “I told you I was depressed. How come you didn't call me back?”

Beth: “Because I was busy. You don't sound very depressed.”

Me: “But I really am. This is part of the problem. No one ever believes I'm depressed when I say I'm depressed.”

Beth: “Maybe if you'd stop laughing.”

Me: “They always say that, too. Are you going to listen to my problems or not?”

Beth: “All right. I may have to put you on hold if another parent calls, though.”

Me: “Whatever. Okay, so you know how Henrietta knocked over my computer and now it doesn't work and I can't access my email or my iTunes or my iPhotos or my novel that is due July 1 and I didn't make any back up copies? Well, Steve from Mac Solutions came over, but it turns out his name is Joe, and he couldn't get it to work, so he had to send it to Las Vegas, where they may or may not be able to retrieve the data, and he made me make a choice, just like on HOUSE. Remember, on HOUSE, where the guy had to choose between saving his wife's life, or his unborn child's? Well, it was just like that, only about whether I wanted them to save the data or save the computer.”

Beth: “What is that trickling sound in the background?”

Me: “That? Oh, that's just a waterfall.”

Beth: “You are calling me from a waterfall?”

Me: “No. I am calling you from my new pool.”

Beth: “There is a waterfall in your new pool?”

Me: “Just a very small one. It's nothing like the Osbournes' pool. I mean, there's no slide. Or grotto.”

Beth: “Unless the end of this story is that you have cancer, I don't feel a bit sorry for you.”

Me: “How can you say that? I had to choose, Beth! I had to choose between the data and the computer. And I chose the data! Which they still may not be able to retrieve!”

Beth: “And meanwhile, you're lying in a pool with a waterfall.”

Me: “A small waterfall. And what else am I supposed to be doing? I have no access to my email. I have no idea what anyone might be trying to say to me. I could have some urgent message from the Japanese translator of PRINCESS IN TRAINING, wanting to know what a crackhouse is, and I won't be able to answer her for days. Not to mention, MY NOVEL DUE JULY 1 IS GONE, do you hear? Gone! I am going to have to start over. This may be my last moment in a pool ALL SUMMER.”

Beth: “Did you see Beauty and the Geek? It was really good. Not TEMPTATION ISLAND good, of course, but almost. I think you should watch it. You'd like it.”

Me: “Okay, I'll TiVo it. Did you see Katie Holmes gushing about Tom Cruise during her BATMAN BEGINS press tour? I'm starting to think she really does love him and it's not all a giant publicity stunt.”

Beth: “If she becomes a Scientologist, I'll eat my own head.”

Me: “Totally. Because then she'll be going around telling women with post-partum depression to take vitamins instead of getting therapy and anti-depressants.”

Beth: “Oh, you know what would have worked for the post-partum depression of Andrea Yates, that woman who drowned her five kids in the bathtub?”

Me: “Wait, let me guess…vitamins?”

Beth: “According to Tom Cruise.”

Me: “Well, he is a medical professional. Oh, wait…no he's not. He doesn't even play a doctor on TV.”

Beth: “Right. Now, if George Clooney had said it…or Hugh Laurie. But why would I listen to a guy who only ever plays pool sharks and race car drivers?”

Me: “Well, he does save the planet in his latest movie. Not to give away the ending. But, you know, they did make us read that book in like the sixth grade.”

Beth: “Whatever. Can I go now? I have to be yelled at by more parents.”

Me: “Okay. But you should really take a vacation and come down here and float around in my pool.”

Beth: “By myself? Since this is your last moment in a pool all summer?”

Me: “It looks like it.”

Beth: “Good, then I won't have to listen to any more of your quote unquote problems. Good bye.”

More later.

Much love,

Meg

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