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Meg's Blog

MEG’S WORST WEEK EVER, plusDR JAFFE’S BONUS GUIDE TO FINDING A SUMMER LOVE

Okay, so I don't mean to complain, because I know I have a GREAT life. I am married to a chef, I get paid to do what I love, I never have to change any dirty diapers, no one I love has died recently, yadda yadda yadda.

And let me first start by saying it's June in Key West, which means all the local chickens have new broods, and there all these adorable baby chicks running around. Also, June is the traditional month to be MARRIED in the US, so there are beautiful brides EVERYWHERE, and they are almost as cute as the chicks. Also, I LOVE my new pool…at least during the few hours a week I can actually enjoy it when it isn't raining in Southern Florida….

But last week, in the midst of all the rain, Henrietta jumped onto the bed, dislodging my computer, and now it won't work anymore, and, no, I didn't have anything backed up, and yes, my novel due July 1 which I am not finished with and need to work on IS on there, somewhere, and if Steve at Mac Solutions can't get it off, I am so, so dead. Meanwhile, I'm writing this from my husband's computer, and…

But first thing's first:

Okay, so last week, I got invited to go to a picnic at a state park. Normally I say no to anything remotely involving nature, but I was kind of curious about what this park was like, because I've heard people rave about it. Plus it had stopped raining for like two minutes, so I thought, Why not?

So I got on my bike and I rode there and somewhere between giving the park ranger my three-dollar entrance fee and worrying about the sign that said NO ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES ALLOWED (since my bike basket was filled with wine bottles, as I had been instructed by my hosts to BRING WINE) I took a wrong turn.

My husband, over on the correct path, yelled: “THIS WAY.”

So I decided to take a short cut to where he was along this thing that looked like a path, only there was a small tree blocking it. But since the tree was small, I figured I could just flick the branches out of my way.

Which was how one of those INCREDIBLY STRONG, THICK BRANCHES grabbed me by the arm and created a three inch gash that then proceeded to bleed for the rest of the night and caused me to eat all the peanut butter filling from the peanut butter Oreos, which then caused everyone else to go, “You can't just eat the filling.”

Question Number One: What does it matter if I just eat the filling, and not the cookie part? I mean, seriously?

THEN, as if that were not enough, the very next day Henrietta jumped up onto the bed where I'd left my laptop and caused it to crash to the floor, and making it not turn on anymore.

So now I cannot access the novel I have been working on, nor will I even find out if it is still accessible, or if I have to start the whole thing over again, because OF COURSE I don't have a back up copy, until Tuesday when the guys from Mac Solutions show up to attempt to fix it.

Question Number Two: Why, when your computer breaks down, do people always ask, “But you had a back up disk, right?”

Here is a question for all you computer guys: “If your product actually worked, WHY WOULD I NEED TO MAKE A BACK UP DISK????”

And I will admit, being violently thrown to a carpeted floor by a 12-pound cat is traumatic. But I have inadvertently hurled my laptop from much greater heights, such as a coffee table and airplane seat, and it was fine. So what's the deal?

Anyway, then after my computer broke, I took out my frustrations by taking the machete and going into the backyard to hack down all the dead palm fronds, only to learn it wasn't a machete, it was a saw, and now it's ruined (but the backyard looks great).

Obviously, with all of that going on, I could not possibly deal with reader mail, which, by the way, I can't even access, so don't even bother writing to me.

But fortunately, I had asked Dr. Michele Jaffe to deal with a few of your letters BEFORE the great Laptop Debacle. And this is what she has to say to all of you:

SPECIAL BLOG BONUS:

DR. JAFFE'S GUIDE TO FINDING SUMMER LOVE

Dr Jaffe says:

A lot of you seem to have written to Meg to ask how you are supposed to IGNORE GUYS (see last blog entry) when you can't even find any guys to ignore. So here are my official HOW TO MEET GUYS WITHOUT EVEN TRYING Tips for a grooooooovy summer:

Whether you go to a school awash with guys or an all girl's school where the closest thing you get to a guy is the CPR drawing on the wall of the gym, its always good to meet new people. And it's not hard, especially in the summer. The best part is, you can do it while meeting some other goals.

Ask yourself the following question:

What do I want out of this summer?

If you said:
I want to make some money and meet someone

Then you should:
Get a summer job

This is a great way to meet new people, both of the 'Hey, you're kinda cute' variety and of the 'Wow, can you teach me to put on eyeliner like that' type. Good jobs for meeting boys (and girls—we are not trying to be discriminatory here, we know some of you are same-sex oriented, and that some of you may even be boys, so please note: this advice Fits All) are things like working at an ice cream parlor, the snack bar of a popular hang out, or the local movie theater or a (co-ed) summer camp. The best jobs to meet guys would of course be in a comic book store or video arcade.

Bad jobs for meeting guys are things like working in a women's clothing store, although there you might meet people who know people you might want to meet. But as you can see, it's a more convoluted process.

Moving on:

If, in response to What do I want out of this summer? you said:
I want to improve my mind and meet someone

Then you should:
Take a summer class.

“More school?” you cry. “Eeew!”

But it doesn't have to be a school kind of class. It can be judo or magic or etch-a-sketch portraiture. Or it can be something like a language–I remember this one summer I took Italian class at the local university and there was this guy in it named Stefano and we would do our homework together on the phone and then we started doing our homework together over pizza because, you know, pizza is Italian, and sometimes with gelato and then we would practice our oral conversation skills by…ahem.

Where was I? Oh, right. Anyway, taking classes can be good for your mind AND your social life.

Moving on again:

If, in response to What do I want out of this summer? you said:
I want to save the world and meet someone

Then you should:
Do good works.

Do you have a talent or hobby? Volunteer to teach it to someone like small children. No one looks friendlier than someone teaching small children! No, but, for real, put it to work helping others. Or volunteer for a cause you believe in–set up a film festival, save albino squirrels, teach kids to play chess, recycle old bikes, speak out against cruelty to meter maids. The only thing better for forming strong bonds than a bad boss is committed like-mindedness about a cause.

If, in response to What do I want out of this summer? you said:
I want to get in shape and meet someone

Then you should:
Go to the gym.

The gym is a really good place to meet people. I met two of my cutest boyfriends at the gym. The only downside to those relationships was there was a minimum of ice cream.

So there you go. Follow my advice, and you will have a very nice summer, and possibly even meet someone. Even if you don't, you'll still earn some money, add something cool to add to your resume, or lose fat and gain m
uscle.

Now, onto other matters:

There has been some confusion from our last blog about whether the best way to meet guys is to ignore them or tell them you are interested. The truth is, it is not a simple either/or. But we have been alarmed, as late, by reports of girls practically stalking the guys they like, calling them all the time, leaving them notes, staking out their cars.

To this we say: No! Bad! Step away from the Love Object.

On the other hand, just ignoring a guy can mean that he doesn't notice you. For example, I can ignore Paris Hilton all I want but since she doesn't even know I exist (but you will, Miss Paris, you WILL. BAHAHHAHAHAA) it doesn't really achieve anything.

(Note from Meg: I, on the other hand, have a close personal relationship with Ms. Hilton, and have sent her a silver frame from Tiffany's as an engagement present. In my mind.)

In both cases, what is required is balance. We realize that the life of a teen is not about balance but rather about chaos, lonely wandering of the soul, great and horrible hair days, etc,

(Note from Meg: This is also MY life, and I am 38, but whatever)

but really in this instance, balance will bring bliss. What balance means is that

1. You need to let guys know you are there, by smiling and/or greeting them

2. If you like someone, you can let him know after awhile by making your greetings more effusive, and asking them out (on the previously recommended group date, or if you are really brave, with just you)

3. But DO NOT stalk him! DO NOT call him more than twice a day “just to say hi”! DO NOT fill his inbox with email forwards! DO NOT show up everywhere he is ALL the time! Besides interfering with the Rights of the Individual, this will also take up way too much of your time, and is Not Cool.

Which brings me to the main way to handle guys:

Respect yourself and your life, and guys will respect you. That means not letting a crush take your world over. Instead, ask yourself, “Is there something I should be doing with my life right now rather than trying to take over his? Is there somewhere I should be with my friends rather than staking out his car? Is there something I should be doing regarding my schoolwork rather than writing his name in curly letters all over my notebook? Is there something I could do to make my parents happy rather than having his name tattooed on my arm?”

Hopefully, you will find that the answers to the above questions is a resounding YES…and then you will proceed to do these things, instead of the other, obsessive stalker type things…. and your guy will notice how cool and un-boy crazy you seem, and totally fall for you, instead of the gross boy-crazy girls who won't leave him alone.

Get it? Got it? Good.

Now—go get a job in an ice cream store, take a karate class, learn Italian, and FIND A GUY TO IGNORE.

We promise you, it will work.

More later.

Much love,

Meg
(and Michele)

(And Paris Hilton)

(And Steve at Mac Solutions who swears it is not a problem with Meg's hard drive)

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