Hey, ya'll. It's me, Brit. Meg's feeling under the weather, so she asked me to fill in on her blog. Since I've got nothing to do these days but gestate (oh, and star with the hubby in our own reality show), I was like, “Sure, why not?”
Oh, you didn't know me and Meg were friends? Totally! Who do you think taught me that thing about not washing your hair? Everybody thinks it was Kev, but it was totally Meg! She loves to see how long she can go without washing her hair, on account of every time she washes it, some of her pink streak leaks out, and she just has to dye it all over again. And she hates that because then she has to hunt up the rubber gloves, the foil, and the dye, and she gets that pink stuff all over the bathroom counter and it won't come out and the whole thing is like this big pain.
Who knew being punk was so much WORK?
So the secret is not to wash your hair at all! If you use enough product, no one can even tell your hair's dirty. Well, except those you-know-what's who work for In Touch. But I hate that magazine anyway.
Anyway, so Meg said I could write about whatever I wanted, but that she'd prefer a media round up. So here it is!
The other day I was reading this article in “The New Yorker” by David Sedaris, who happens to be one of my favorite humor writers, even though he and one of my other favorite humor writers, Sarah Vowell, never invite me to submit anything to McSweeney's. But whatever. I mean, what are the chances of either of them ever being invited to be on the MTV Video Awards???
(Well, actually, Sarah Vowell might, since she played the voice of Violet in The Incredibles. But, dude, has she ever had a banana snake around her neck while wearing a halter top? I rest my case.)
In any case, David was going on—in “The New Yorker” article—about how whenever his boyfriend suggests they go out for a bite, he FREAKS, because then he has to think of something for them to talk about in the restaurant, so people won't stare at the two of them, sitting in complete silence like they usually do at home, where it's OK because no one can see them not talking to each other.
And that really hit a chord with me, you know, because when you eat at home with your husband, you don't need to talk, you just watch SHOW DOG MOMS AND DADS on Bravo, which is seriously the most excellent show. Although don't even get me started on Liberace, Bit-bit is a thousand times cuter. But whatever.
Anyway, as I was reading David's complaint, I was like, “It's SO TRUE.” Because every time Kev gets the, you know, munchies, and is all, “Brit, let's go to In-n-Out,” I get so wound up, because I'm all, “What are we going to TALK about while we eat?” Especially now with the film crew following us around. I mean, they can't just film us EATING. In SILENCE. We've got to TALK about something.
And Kev, as much as I love him, is not what anyone would call a conversationalist. Lately all he can talk about is why Jen and Brad broke up. And it's like no matter how many times I tell him it was all Angelina's fault (it even SAYS so in Us Weekly), he can't believe it, because of the vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood Angelina used to wear around her neck. Kev says no way would the guy who played Tyler Durden go for a girl who wore a blood necklace.
But then I reminded him about how Brad and Angelica have been signing into all those hotels as Bryce and Jasmine Pilaf, and like, if they weren't dating and didn't want anyone to know, why would they use the SAME FAKE NAME?
Anyway, I don't know why Kev's so freaked out about Jen and Brad. You'd think he'd be more concerned about important issues, like the new Pope, or Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie's feud (which was why Paris couldn't guest blog here and Meg had to ask me—Paris is too devastated to turn on her Sidekick at the moment), or Tyra's meltdown the other night on AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL, which you can read verbatim here if you missed it.
To tell ya'll the truth, I totally see where Tyra was coming from. It so reminds me of the time my mom got so mad when I made everyone at our wedding change into those sweatsuits that said things like Pimp and Hot Mama on the back. Oh, and about the cash bar.
But whatever, Mom! Like I was going to pay for Kev's friends to drink! Do you know how much Red Bull and vodka those guys can put away? And you know there's nothing more relaxing to party in than an elastic waistband.
Of course, Kev and I COULD discuss Cole's guest return to CHARMED, which you can read about here if you missed it. But Kev totally doesn't like talking about guys who have more chest hair than he does.
Anyway, so while I was, you know, searching for topics for Kev and I to talk about at dinner and all, suddenly I was like, “OmiGod! Maybe I should bring up how when Kev's girlfriend was pregnant with their second child he just left her,” and how uncool it would be for him to do that again, to, you know, ME, now that I am pregnant with our first child.
But then I remembered how I'm paying all Kev's child support now and how his girlfriend should be really be happy about that, because it's not like Kev could afford a Bugaboo before, which, in case you don't know, is like THE baby stroller to have, every celebrity mom's got one, Gwyneth, Courtney, Sarah Jessica, and which I fully bought for Kev's other kids, because I love them just like they were my own. Even though they aren't. Yet.
And besides, there is no one richer than me that Kev can leave me for. Well, except like Oprah. But even Kev probably couldn't knock HER up, what is she now, like 40???
Where was I? Oh, yeah, so then I was like maybe we can talk about how much I hate that guy Logan on GILMORE GIRLS. Because what is with his whole, “I'm not ready for a commitment” thing? If Rory Gilmore asks you out, you BETTER commit to her, she is the best thing that is ever going to happen to you. Why she doesn't seem to know this or have the inner self-worth to be all, “Listen, Logan, you better tell me you love me and forsake all others, or you can start paying for your own crew's drinks,” I can't imagine. But it's making this show unbearable, especially since there's that cute Naked Guy she could like instead. It's making me (and Meg) ready to take this show off our TiVo.
Some girls just have no SENSE, ya'll.
And of course I had to give up JOAN OF ARCADIA after Meg told me what happened with Adam and Joan. I guess now the devil has shown up or something and Meg got kind of excited about that. But then it became clear Joan wasn't going to DATE the devil. Because it could have been a cool Angel/Buffy thing happening, only with the devil and a saint—well, you know, if the devil turned out to have a soul, like Angel.
But I guess that would be too WB for CBS or something.
Which really only leaves MY show. Which I fully suggest ya'll watch, because it is going to be so good. If I can think of something to talk to Kev about at dinnertime, I mean. Maybe the political upheaval in Ecuador? But Kev hates Mexican food.
Anyway, Meg promises to be back soon, and thanks you for all the get well wishes and especially for the way gross stories of the stuff ya'll have had flushed out of your own ears. She says it feels good to know she's not alone.
I got to go now, ya'll, and finish reading Laurie Notaro's new book, “We Thought You Would
Be Prettier: True Tales of the Dorkiest Girl Alive,” because what with all the puking and not having anything to talk to Kev about at mealtimes in front of the camera guys, I could use a few laughs, and Meg says Laurie's never failed her in that capacity.