So tomorrow is my birthday, but let's not make a big deal out of it, okay? Because I am going to be 38.
And that is just wrong.
I'm sorry to any 38 year olds out there that I might be offending with this. But to me, 38 seems old.
37 isn't old. 37 is just right. 37 is still, technically, mid-thirties.
Well, okay, maybe 37 is late thirties. But it's not as late thirties as 38.
So if it's OK with all of you, I am just going to stay 37. All right?
I know I can get away with staying 37 because Sandra Bullock has been telling people she is 37 for YEARS, and everyone believed her, until someone from her high school class outed her in Parade Magazine. They were like, “It's interesting how Sandra is still 37 while all the rest of us who graduated from her high school at the same time as she did are 40 now. Did Sandra develop some kind of time machine? If so, can we all go in it,
Still. If we all keep this one a secret together, no one will know. RIGHT????
My only comfort is that Princess Stephanie of Monaco, whose birthday is also February 1, will be turning 40 tomorrow.
FORTY!!!!!!!!!! HA!!!!!!!!!! IN YOUR FACE, STEPHANIE!!!!!!!!!!!! You may have a castle and be a princess and be married to a very flexible circus performer and all, but you're also FORTY!!!!!!!!!!
Forty is WAY older than 38.
Some people might say that my making fun of Princess Stephanie because she is 40 is immature. And they would, of course, be right. But just because I am turning 38 doesn't mean I am mature. Do you see why I might as well just stay 37, under the circumstances?
Especially since, even at 37, all I get are emails from kids going, “OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SO OLD!!!!!! YOU ARE EVEN OLDER THAN MY MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
This does not fill me with a lot of warm feelings towards being 38. It does not fill me with warm feelings towards these kids. In fact, it doesn't fill me with warm feelings towards their mothers, either. Because shouldn't these kids' mothers be teaching them better manners? Like, not to write to authors and go, “OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SO OLD!!!!!!!! YOU ARE OLDER THAN MY MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
And okay, I don't have kids, so I don't know what it's like to raise them, so maybe I shouldn't criticize. I know parenting is hard and all.
But may I just say that if I DID have children, I would totally forbid them from writing things like “YOU ARE OLDER THAN MY MOM!!!!!!!!!” to authors?
It doesn't help that it's probably true. I mean, that I'm older than my readers' moms. Some of my readers are as young as 12 and 13, and their moms are 32 or 33, or even younger, having had their kids when they were 20 or so.
It's a really good thing I didn't have kids, in my twenties or otherwise, because what kind of mom would I be? I mean, what kind of 38 year old woman does nothing all day but watch episodes of “My Super Sweet Sixteen” on MTV? Has YOUR mom been fantasizing lately about having her own Super Sweet Thirty-Eight Party, like I have? Does she imagine renting out the Hard Rock, like Lauren and Jackie from La Jolla, on the first episode of “My Super Sweet Sixteen” did, and inviting everyone she knows, and having Unwritten Law play?
Or not, because I am not familiar with that band. But maybe like Switchblade Kittens or Lash or Halo Friendlies or Rooney or someone like that?
Does your mom freak out about how rich the girls on “My Super Sweet Sixteen” are, and wonder what their parents do to be able to afford to throw their daughters a $100,000 sweet sixteen party? Not to mention the fact that these girls actually seem to LIKE going to parties, something I have hated since I was old enough to be dropped off at other people's houses with a present and a stern warning not to throw up on anything, a bad habit I formulated in the 4th grade whenever I got too overexcited at sleepovers (I got to be such a champion barfer, I could hit the center polka dot on my sleeping bag in one try)?
And does your mom obsessively look up stuff about the girls from “My Super Sweet Sixteen” online, and when she stumbles across message boards about it, does she read all the comments until she finds one from a girl who goes to the same school as Lauren and Jackie? And then does she put the message in her own blog, like this?
“Ok…so all of you need to stop talking trash…cuz I'm a La Jolla girl and Jackie goes to my school and she is super sweet. And so what if we're ritzy girls, what to you expect…we live in La Jolla, Cali! There's nothing wrong with being spoiled…as long as you deserve it. And we deserve every bit of it. So please do everyone a favor and stop hating… i'm sure that if you lived here and got a taste of our lifestyle… you'd be the same way. La Jolla is the new OC and Rodeo drive… shout outs to LJHS!!”
And then does she try to analyze the message, like I'm about to? Like, does your mom go:
What exactly did these girls do to 'deserve' to be spoiled, as the author of this message insists they do? Do Lauren and Jackie go around doing acts of charity all day? Or do they deserve to be spoiled just because they go to school and get good grades? Because I went to school and got pretty good grades. But no one ever rented out a Hard Rock and had Unwritten Law play at MY sweet sixteen. I didn't even HAVE a sweet sixteen. When I turned seventeen my mom threw a surprise Smurf party for me.
But that is not like having Unwritten Law play at the Hard Rock just for me.
But maybe those girls in La Jolla help lepers. Yes, that must be it! MTV just didn't show that part. Lauren and Jackie volunteer in a leper colony when they are not yelling at their dads to get them their Gucci shoes, and having their hair done 'sultry.'
Because if they DO volunteer in a leper colony, then I would say, yes, Lauren and Jackie DO deserve to be spoiled with a $100,000 super sweet sixteen party. TOTALLY.
But if not, I just think it a bit…excessive. A $1,000 party would have sufficed. Or maybe just an iPod and dinner at Olive Garden.
I am not saying there aren't girls in La Jolla who DESERVE to be spoiled. But the person who wrote this message seems to be implying that these girls deserve to be spoiled JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE THE DAUGHTERS OF RICH PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN LA JOLLA.
And I am just saying, I don't think that's a very good reason to spoil someone.
But maybe I'm wrong.
And maybe the person who wrote that message meant something else entirely. Something MTV didn't show us. Something we will never know.
JUST LIKE WE WILL NEVER KNOW THE REAL REASON BRAD AND JEN ARE SPLITTING UP.
I bet your mom doesn't obsess about stuff like this.
Which should make you realize how lucky you are to have a mom like yours, instead of a mom like me.
It is SUCH a good thing I don't have kids. SUCH a good thing.
Wait. Where was I?
Oh, yeah. So tomorrow is my 38th birthday. And yes, I know I am older than your mother. But please, as my one birthday wish, would you stop writing to me and telling me so?
Oh, and also, can you just forget the 38 thing, and stick to 37? This means all of you, Bloomington High School South Class of '85ers. I know the 20 year reunion is coming up.
But maybe if we all keep quiet about it, we can pretend it's NEXT year, and stay 37 until someone invents a time machine. OK?
OK. Cool. Peace out.