Every Boy’s Got One Book Tour, Day 1-2
Dear Delta Airlines,
I was cool with it when the plane I was supposed to take to Atlanta–and then on to Memphis two nights ago for my signing yesterday–broke down, and you left us sitting on the tarmac in Key West for an hour before telling us to get off so you could fix it.
I was cool with the fact that we then had to wait around for ANOTHER three hours to see if the plane could be fixed, then get our luggage back and rebook our flights when we found out it couldn't.
I was OK with the fact that, because Key West is my home, and there were no other flights that night, I was stuck there for the night, and couldn't get any of the hotel or meal vouchers all the other stranded passengers got.
I was cool with having to get up at 6AM yesterday morning to go BACK to the airport I'd left at midnight the night before in order to take my re-scheduled flight at 8AM.
What I was not so cool with was that when I checked in for my 8AM flight, you said the plane was STILL broken from yesterday, and we wouldn't be leaving until 10AM.
Delta, you made a big deal about taking down my phone number (instead of giving me hotel and meal vouchers). If you knew the plane was still broken, WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO GET OUT OF BED AT 6AM?
Then, when 10AM came and went, you STILL gave us no information about when—or if—the flight would be leaving. Some of us started calling cab companies to see if we could get a taxi to take us to Miami (for $500) and then grab a plane to Memphis. Some of us almost started crying from sheer frustration and lack of Tab. And some of us HATE doing that.
And okay, by noon you'd fixed the plane. But I was still FOUR HOURS LATE to my book signing in Oxford, Miss, because of you. And you didn't even give me a free ticket—or a free LUNCH—or ANYTHING.
What is up with that, Delta? I have to say, I'm pretty disappointed. Though you were all, I admit, very kind and apologetic, especially the very nice ladies at Gate 36 in Atlanta, even after I accidentally dropped a large hot tea on the carpet in front of them.
Still. Where's my free stuff?
Dear Au Bon Pain,
I recently purchased food at one of your establishments in the Atlanta Airport. I will admit, the options for healthful dining are woefully lacking at this airport. If I wanted a burger with fries, or something chicken-fried, I would have been set. But as I wanted a salad, I was stuck with you.
And I did find my salad crisp and fresh. However, what was the deal with the only dressing option you had available, all other dressings being sold out? Fat Free Raspberry Vinaigrette tasted EXACTLY like the salad dressing they used to put on the lettuce in the cafeteria at my old high school.
Was this on purpose? Did you send researchers to my high school to copy the dressing exactly? Why would you do this? It was not then, nor is it now, very good dressing. In fact, I was only able to eat half my salad, because it was so gross. For something purportedly fat free, your raspberry vinaigrette coated the lettuce in my bowl pretty thickly, and had a red color that was, to put it mildly, disgusting to look at.
Perhaps, Au Bon Pain, you could see to it in the future that your airport branches receive other salad dressing options besides Fat Free Raspberry Vinaigrette, such as, for instance, Ranch, Italian, or French.
Also, the apples you were selling were very bruised and clearly had never been washed, a problem for someone dining in an airport without easy access to a sink.
I hope you will take time to look into this matter, and perhaps send me some free stuff.
Dear Seattle's Best Coffee,
On a recent trip to the Atlanta Airport, I was forced to sit at one of your establishments–even though I do not like coffee–because there were no other seats available in the food court in which I was dining. I found it upsetting that, while the US is suffering from a national health crisis due to the girth of its population, the poster I was facing in your coffee shop pictured three massive hot fudge sundaes.
Please note, it was not like I could escape the sundaes, which also came in cherry and butterscotch, since all FIVE posters in your shop were of ice cream sundaes. Seattle's Best Coffee, those of us who are trying to maintain a healthful complexion and Body Mass Index have a hard enough time resisting temptation without you shoving your sundaes in our face. Why must you tempt me to go off my sugar and flour-free diet, especially during such a low moment in my life, when I was feeling so sorry for myself for having been so put upon by Delta Airlines over the past twenty-four hours.
Please consider changing your posters to something other than ice cream. Also, consider sending me some free stuff (not ice cream).
Recently, I purchased a large (I believe you call it venti) hot tea from one of your establishments in the Atlanta airport. While I appreciate the quality of your beverages, I can't say I approve of the cups you use to put it in. These cups, which are extremely skinny, have the tendency to topple over at the slightest provocation, such as while trying to balance them on the seat at an airport gate. This can cause embarrassment and upset to your customers, as everyone in the airport lounge looks at them as their large (venti) container rolls back behind the seat, hits the wall, and proceeds to gush tea everywhere, such as on the floor and walls, much to the astonishment of the gate attendants.
Might I suggest you look into designing cups with a studier, if not wider, base? Also, if you wanted to, you could send me some free stuff.
Thank you for your time.
Dear Square Books,
YOU are all lovely. Don't change. I had a fabulous time at my signing in your establishment, even if I did arrive to it four hours late. Thank you so much to the staff, who were so tireless in their efforts to help, and who made such a nice princessy display, and also to the customers, who waited for me so patiently after I was SOOOO late, and were so polite and lively. Oxford, Miss. RULES!!!! I wish I could have spent a longer amount of time in your beautiful city. Thank you for hosting such a great event. There is no need for you to send me any free stuff.