Travels with Meg’s Coccyx Bone
So I have sustained a writing-related injury, and it's not carpals tunnel syndrome. There's really no other way to say this, so I guess I'll just come out with it:
In my glee over finishing writing the first draft of Princess Diaries 7, I threw myself backwards into a big armchair, and instead of landing in the soft cushiony part, I landed on the arm of the chair, and I am now suffering from what Yahoo! Health, my primary source for healthcare advice, calls a “Tailbone Injury.”
In other words, I broke my ass.
Tailbone injuries primarily occur to the coccyx bone. The coccyx bone is the bone that—a so-called friend of mine pointed out, after she was done laughing when I told her what had happened—I actually made break off in one of the Princess Diaries books (I don't remember which), when Lana Weinberger does a back flip. Lilly makes fun of Lana by creating a documentary called Travels With Lana's Coccyx Bone, because the tip of Lana's coccyx bone is floating around in her blood stream.
Which sounds a lot funnier when it ISN'T HAPPENING TO YOU.
Well, I'm not sure this is what has happened to me (I don't think my coccyx bone broke OFF), but the gist of it is, life has now imitated art, and I now have a broken or at least badly bruised coccyx bone. I am ashamed of myself of making fun of Lana's broken coccyx bone, because tailbone injuries REALLY HURT!!!! You have to keep a heating pad down your pants ALL DAY LONG, it hurts so much!!! Also, you can't sit, you have to lay on your side. Also, you have to take a lot of ibuprofen.
Tailbone injuries are the worst kind of injury to have because
a) You look stupid with a heating pad down your pants, and
b) Your friends make fun of you, as does your husband, when they see you with a heating pad down your pants, and
c) It is very hard to get up and answer the door for the UPS man, who also makes fun of you for having a heating pad down your pants, and
d) It is very hard to sit or even lay down, except on your side, and
e) It is impossible to ride in a car for long periods of time, and
f) Forget about bike riding, or sitting in a restaurant, and
e) Your cat doesn't understand why you won't make a fun “knee tent” beneath the bedspread for her to sleep under like you usually do, and keeps butting her head against your spine in a painful manner trying to get you to roll over when you CAN'T without experiencing excruciating pain.
The reason I am warning you about this is that I always thought you had to fall down or be doing something super athletic to injure your coccyx bone. But you can actually injure it just by FLOPPING INTO A CHAIR.
So people, don't be like me. Be careful of your coccyx bone! I know it's just a stupid bone you never think about, the bone to which our vestigial tails were once attached. But believe me, if you break it, you will be thinking about it A LOT!!
And if you make your living lying down, as I do, the ramifications of injuring your coccyx bone could be severe. SO WATCH OUT.
Anyway, since I can't write with a broken ass (obviously), I have been watching a LOT of TV. And since I know many of you have finals and Christmas shopping and stuff to do, I thought I'd help you out by filling you in on some of the shows you might have missed, such as “High School Reunion 3,” “Nanny 911,” and of course, “Love in the Heir.”
Okay, so I missed the first episode of this season's “High School Reunion,” but the beauty of “High School Reunion” has always been that if you miss an episode, even the first one, it doesn't MATTER, because the producers help you along by inserting, underneath each participant's name, their “label” from high school—such as “The Jock” or “The Dream Girl” or, this season, “The Obsessed Ex.”
YES!!! There is actually a participant called “The Obsessed Ex.”
So it doesn't matter how many episodes you miss, you can catch up, VERY easily, so long as you can read.
In case you have never seen “High School Reunion” (why this would be the case, I cannot imagine, unless you live in a foreign country where they do not have this show), I will tell you a little about it. It is a reality show on which the producers host the ten year reunion for a specific high school in a huge resort in Hawaii (for free), and fly everyone there (also for free), then put cameras all around the house, take away everyone's wallets, and lock them all in together for TWO WEEKS, and film the ensuing craziness.
Of course they have social workers on hand to deal with any emotional trauma this might cause, but you never see them on screen—they just come onto the website and talk about how “The Fat Girl” is really putting herself out there by confronting the people who were mean to her, and stuff like that. The only time the people participating in the reunion are let out of the reunion is when they are given a “Hall Pass” to take another member of the reunion on a date.
Which is then filmed.
There are no prizes or anything on “High School Reunion.” No one has to eat bugs or jump into a tank of live cockroaches. Participants, instead, engage in petty mindgames and lay around the beach. SOLELY FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT.
This is my kind of show. In fact, I really don't see how there could be a show better than this, although I also have a soft spot for “Nanny 911,” which I will get into later. Anyway, back to “High School Reunion 3”:
So the kids who have gathered in Hawaii for this reunion all went to Cardinal Gibbons High, which is described by the WB as “an ultra ritzy, private Catholic school in Fort Lauderdale.” So basically, they all come from fairly well to do families.
But that doesn't mean they've got manners! Not at all! Many of them are totally mean, back-stabbing psychos! Just the way I like it!
Now, the first question you have to ask yourself if you, like me, have already graduated from high school is: If some producer came to you and offered you an expense paid reunion with people you went to high school with, in Hawaii, for two weeks, would you say yes?
OF COURSE NOT. BECAUSE WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN HAWAII WITH A BROKEN ASS????
Seriously, you couldn't go surfing or even lay by the pool (except on your side). Maybe you could float in the pool, but the sight of the disfiguring bruise peeping out over your bikini bottom would disgust and sicken viewers.
And even if, let's say, you didn't have a broken ass, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GO TO HAWAII UNLESS YOU COULD BRING YOUR SPOUSE/ROMANTIC PARTNER?
But you see, you can't BRING your spouse or romantic partner to be on “High School Reunion” because then the chances of you hooking up with an ex would be like NIL!!! And hooking up is what “High School Reunion” is ALL ABOUT. Why else would the obsessed ex be there? Because she wants to hook up with Gianni, “The Jock” (now a pro basketball player in Italy, a fact which is hampering the future of his relationship with “The Dream Girl,” with whom he spent the night on their first “Hall Pass”—to the rage of Obsessed Ex–and who claims to have no use for long-distance relationships).
Where would “High School Reunion” be without the hook ups? I will tell you: NOWHERE. I wouldn't watch it. Although next week two nerds show up, pretending to be millionaires now a la Romy and Michele from “Romy and Michele's High School Reunion.” To which I say, “More power to you, nerds,” and yes, I know where I will be next Tuesday night.
Of course, some of us have other reasons why we would not want to go to our high school reunion, with or with
out our romantic partners. One of those reasons, at least for me, would be that I would not actually know anyone at my high school reunion. I was totally unpopular in high school and only had like three friends in my class. If I showed up at a high school reunion, no one would have the slightest idea who I was. They'd be all, “Wait…what school did you say you went to?” Seriously.
But obviously, this is not a problem for any of the participants of “High School Reunion 3”. Even the former “Fat Girl,” who is now svelte from gastric-bypass, was totally popular and everyone knows who she is/was. Because the producers only invite the people who actually have a history with the other people from their class. Like when you're filling out the form to be on “High School Reunion,” they ask, “Was there anyone you particularly hated in high school? Was there anyone you wanted to hook up with?” (Yes. I looked at the application online. Shut up.)
Then they take that information and go find those people and invite them to be at the reunion just to MESS WITH YOUR HEAD.
Begging, the question, again: WHY WOULD YOU AGREE TO BE ON THIS SHOW???
You really do have to question the motives of the people who agree to go on “High School Reunion.” For some of them, obviously, it's all about the free trip to Hawaii. For others (like Obsessed Ex) it's clearly about the potential for hooking up with a past flame. And for others, like the “Fat Girl,” it's about getting closure—in Fat Girl's case, closure against “Head Cheerleader” Nikki, who Carin (aka Fat Girl) claims was nasty to her behind her back.
But what about the “Schnitzler (sp?) sisters”, Torie and Tara, who showed up at the reunion in tiny fur coats and high heels and ribbons around their boobs, spraying champagne everywhere, and then wondering why moody “Rebel” Brien doesn't like them? I mean, there is only one reason they would go on this show, and that is to BE ON TV. That's all. They just want to be ON TV. Why else would they make an entrance like that? Maybe they are hoping to parlay their appearance with a Playboy spread. You just never know.
And that, of course, is why I watch “High School Reunion.” To see people who want to be on TV go on TV and make total and complete fools of themselves.
Now, I am not saying these people really ARE the way they are portrayed to be on the show. I know a lot of it is done by editing, and that in real life, the Schnitzler sisters may be totally nice, modest (well, okay, not modest) intelligent girls.
But it is very, very entertaining television. And I can't wait to see what happens next.
Now, on to “Nanny 911.” On “Nanny 911,” frustrated parents (or possibly their neighbors or friends) write in to the show to request that a nanny be sent to straighten out some particularly bad kids. So off Nanny goes, with her cape and her little overnight bag, to dish out some tough love.
I have no idea why I love this show so much. Maybe it's because I get so sick of seeing kids misbehave in restaurants and stuff, and their parents doing NOTHING about it. When we were little, if we misbehaved in a restaurant, our parents would throw us into the car and drive us home, whether the meal was finished or not. Then it would be like a year before they'd let us eat in a restaurant again.
I have seen mothers in restaurants saying to their kids, “Now, Caitlin, is that really how you want to treat your baby sister? Would YOU like it if little Hailey stabbed YOU with a butter knife? Maybe you should think about what you'd like for dessert instead of stabbing people,” instead of being all, “CAITLIN! YOU PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN! THAT IS IT, NO MORE TV FOR A WEEK! AND NO DESSERT! AND IF YOU CRY, I SWEAR TO GOD WE ARE TAKING YOUR BED AWAY AND YOU ARE GOING TO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR!!”
On this show, at least, the misbehaving kids get treated the way WE used to get treated, and there's something therapeutic about that. The nannies give these kids what I so would like to give the kid who is kicking my seat in the movie theater while his dad does NOTHING—some tough Nanny discipline!!!
On the episode I saw the other night, Nanny was appalled by a family that let their kids get away with hitting and slapping Mommy, and still allowed their 3 and 4 year olds to sleep with pacifiers. The parents were afraid to take the pacifiers away or the kids—the same ones who were slapping Mommy across the face when she said, “That's enough lollipops” after the kid's fourth one in a row—might cry.
I was like, “TAKE THOSE PACIFIERS AWAY RIGHT NOW, NANNY!!! DO IT NOW, NANNY!!!” And I really don't think it was my broken ass talking.
Well, Nanny did it. And she also made the three year old stand in the corner for three minutes for smacking Mommy across the schnoz, while Mommy fretted that her baby was “so sad!” there in the corner, and kept trying to let him out. WHATEVER, LADY!!! THE KID IS A LITTLE MONSTER!!! WAIT UNTIL HE'S 14 AND BREAKS YOUR ARM! THIS IS HOW SERIAL KILLERS ARE MADE!!!!
Now, I am not saying I was the best babysitter (you will note the Baby In The Window blog entry) but at least I never would have let a kid get away with slapping me or his siblings. I mean, my God, I am the most doting parent of all, but you won't see Henrietta clawing my new couch because the first word she learned as a kitten was the word NO and when she hears it, she runs in the opposite direction. FAST.
So it was immensely gratifying to hear those little kids screaming for their “passies” and Nanny going, “Sorry, I gave the passies away to the little babies down the street because only little babies use passies.”
The kids totally forgot about their “passies” after one night, just as Nanny predicted, and they stopped hitting and biting each other–and Mommy, too. At the end, Nanny gave everyone a new car (including the kids). Who WOULDN'T love this show?
Next week on “Nanny 911,” a mother has to go on “vacation” for mental health reasons, leaving Dad alone with their SEVEN daughters, who all appear to be under ten years of age. Can Nanny straighten them out before Mom gets back? I'm betting yes.
Now, about “Love is in the Heir.” This is a new show on the Style Network about a real life princess (which is obviously why I have to watch it) who is in Hollywood pursuing…wait for it…a country singing career! Yes!
Princess Ann Clair –whose father appears to be a Saudi prince, although this is not clear since he lives in England–only has a few months to make it in the country-western biz before her royal parents yank the plug on financing her dream and force her to marry some guy who, as far as I'm concerned, could ONLY be better than the scumbags she has dated so far on the show.
I have to watch this show, because it is like watching a car crash—you simply can't look away. But I do have a few problems with it. For one thing, I think Ann Clair might be older than we are being led to believe. In fact, so far I don't think we HAVE been told how old she is. She ACTS like a 24 year old, but she LOOKS like she's a well-preserved 38 or 39. I mean, the sister's got some crow's feet. More than me, and I'm 37.
Plus there is a big difference between a 24 year old pursuing a country-western career, and a 38 year old pursuing one. The 24 year old you can be like, “Well, she's young.” But the 38 year old? Come on. She should at least get a day job.
If you go to Eonline, you can read Ann Clair's “Princess Diaries”—I am not making this up. But they are just recaps of the episodes so far. You can't get any dish, like what I want to know, which is why doesn't Ann Clair just g
et a real job, like as a temp somewhere, and pay her own rent so she can pursue her career without her parents bugging her all the time to come back to England and be royal?
Also, why doesn't she trade in the huge limo she rides around in, and just get a Vespa? It would be much cooler, and cheaper, too.
And why doesn't her assistant know that you can't put pizza crusts in the dishwasher? Has he never seen a trash can before? He appears to be AMERICAN. Why would he not know this?
There are things to like about Ann Clair—she adopts stray dogs, and takes sick or injured dogs off the street to the vet, and pays for their treatment herself. And the songs she writes, while they are terrible, aren't as terrible as some other stuff I've heard recently.
But I can't shake the feeling that Ann Clair is performing for the cameras, and not being how she REALLY is—like the people on “High School Reunion,” who will, of course, claim AFTER the show that they were EDITED to look like an Obsessed Ex or, my favorite, The Predator, when of course we know they really ARE those things. Princess Ann Clair ACTS like an airhead, but I don't think she really is. Could she really like that stupid personal trainer boyfriend of hers who was so using her for her money? I think she's too smart for that. So I'm reserving judgment on this show for now.
Fortunately, my broken ass shows no signs of healing, so I will have a LOT more time to devote to analyzing “Love in the Heir,” as well as many other shows. I will keep you informed as to which girl Gianni chooses on “High School Reunion 3”; how Nanny does with the seven screaming girls; and whether or not Princess Ann Clair ever figures out how to work the dishwasher herself, so she can train her assistant to do it.
It's a hard job, I know. But someone has to do it. Why not leave it to the girl with the broken ass?