Meg reviews Category 6: Day of Destruction, Part Two
I know you have all been dying to know what happens in Part 2 of the made-for-TV disaster movie, “Category 6: Day of Destruction,” which concluded last night.
Well, never fear, I am here with an update. Get ready, a LOT happened:
OK, so here is where we left off when my cable went out Sunday night:
–Citywide power failure in Chicago caused by a hacker—BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS (yet)
–Hurricane bearing down from Lake Superior, coupled with tornadoes working their way up from the panhandle.
OK? Here we go:
Jo from “Facts of Life” is reporting on the blackout. Human error, or an act of terrorism? Communication remains spotty, so no one knows. And they can't even report about the major storm making its way South from the Great Lakes system—not to mention the tornadoes making their way up from tornado alley—because NO ONE HAS POWER TO HEAR THE REPORTS!!!!!
Good stuff, people.
Meanwhile, in real life, dude keeps calling me and going, “Hello, Mrs. My-Married-Name?” at which point I have to hang up because no one calls me by my married name—that I would want to speak to, anyway.
Okay, so Philandering Husband—aka Mitch, the guy from the power distributing company, who is apparently also Greg from the show “Dharma and Greg” (thanks to Carouselk for this–I never watched this show so I didn't recognize him)–hasn't heard from his family, who last time we saw them were trapped in the bank with Daughter Lindsey's gun-toting maniac of a boyfriend.
Lindsey's little brother, safely home, wakes up to find that Mom still isn't around. He turns on his battery powered TV and watches Jo from “Facts of Life” talk about the weather. Battery-powered TVs are essential in situations like this. I have battery-powered fans for the same reason.
Meanwhile, at the bank, gun-toting boyfriend is holding everyone hostage—IN A BLACK OUT. Because he so has an escape plan. NOT. Loser. He is pulling the money out and fanning it around. He doesn't even have a BAG for it. Oh my God, could anyone possibly be this stupid? It's like Lindsey is dating Rain Man, or something.
Meanwhile: “Don't beat yourself up, Jeff,” co-pilot stormchaser says to husband of pregnant sister-in-law of Jo of “Facts of Life,” as they are flying around the hurricane. I guess he means Jeff shouldn't beat himself up about leaving his PREGNANT WIFE alone during the WORST STORM IN A HUNDRED YEARS AND A POWER BLACKOUT. She's still trapped in the elevator, by the way.
But Jeff isn't the only one beating himself up. Brian Dennehy, head of the weather service, is beating himself up for wrongfully telling Galveston to evacuate in '98—people DIED in the panic he created!
Um, Brian, as someone who was evacuated from her home for a Category 5 hurricane—we LIKE you people. Even when you mess up. Chill, dude.
Back at the power company, Slutty Blonde is agreeing with her electric company pals that, while they are the ones who supply the electricity, it's not THEIR jobs to distribute it—that's the job of Mitch, aka Philandering Husband, with whom she is sleeping. Because she is a homewrecking ho. Why am I supposed to even care about her?
By the way, I read a review of this movie on CNN.com and they were going on about how brave it is of the network to run a TV movie where Big Corporations are the bad guys. So I thought I should mention this.
The federal government has ordered ALL power in Chicago shut down, including nuclear. Dianne Wiest as the Secretary of Energy is trying to get other power companies to siphon off some of THEIR power and send it to Chicago, potentially disrupting other grids throughout the country. But with millions of lives at risk, she's GOT to take the chance!
Slutty Blonde and Philandering Husband are meeting for a press conference. P.H. says he won't defend the crappy computer system that hackers broke into that shut down the power grid. S. B. says she'll handle those questions. “How is your family?” she wants to know. He says, “They're fine.”
DUDE!!!! ARE YOU HIGH???? THEY ARE NOT FINE!!!! YOUR WIFE AND DAUGHTER HAVE BEEN TRAPPED IN A BANK ALL NIGHT WITH GUN-TOTING TEENS WHO STEAL SLUSHIES AND DIDN'T EVEN BRING A BAG TO HIS OWN ROBBERY!!!!
Uh-oh. “Jeff,” aka the hurricane plane pilot brother of Jo, is still blaming himself. God, I hope he dies.
Meanwhile, Lindsey is bravely sacrificing herself to bargain with a “punk kid with a loaded gun.” Gun-toter is gathering all the money together in big armfuls. He apparently has no clue that there is NO WAY OUT OF THE BANK. Meanwhile, as Lindsey distracts Gun-Toter, the bank security guard is making his move.
BIG MISTAKE. Lindsey is shot!!!
You see???? You see what can happen when you date boys who wear those big baggy pants???? Yes!!! They trip over them, and you end up GETTING SHOT.
I hope you, like Lindsey, will learn a valuable lesson from this: don't go out with guys whose pants are dragging on the ground. Do you want to get shot, young lady? I thought not.
Now back to the movie:
Tornado Tommy, aka Randy Quaid, is trapped on a bridge in St Louis with tornadoes bearing down on him! The St Louis Arch is being pummeled with killer twisters! Hundreds of tourists are dying! F5s all over the place!
This is the best part of the whole movie so far.
Pregnant sister-in-law's wacky neighbor is lecturing her on zen meditation in the elevator. Because we would so rather hear about that than see the St Louis arch fly apart with people in it.
Okay, Brian Dennehy and his gang have concluded that when a Category 5 hurricane meets a series of F5 tornadoes, you get—
A CATEGORY 6!!!!!!!!!
Guardian power systems again. I am SO getting one. “Hello, is this Mrs. My-Married-Name?” CLICK. Seriously. If you are a telemarketer, at least try to get the RIGHT NAME OF THE PERSON YOU ARE CALLING. And do NOT assume when a woman answers the phone that she is Mrs. Last-Name-Of-The-Person-You-Are-Calling. This is the twenty-first century. Get a clue. Or get hung up on.
Movie's back on:
Rescue dogs in St. Louis! God, I want a rescue dog. Seriously. I would travel to disaster areas all over the world and rescue people. That would RULE.
Except that Henrietta doesn't like dogs. Or anything, really. Except port wine cheese spread which she is licking off my plate right now. WHO KNEW CATS LIKED PORT WINE CHEESE SPREAD????
Okay, so the electric company is firing people to make it look like they are solving the blackout problem. Jo from “Facts of Life” is investigating. On her way, she asks her cameraman to swing by her brother's apartment…just as her sister-in-law feels a PAIN!!! IN HER BELLY!!!! Zen meditation isn't going to help her now.
Jo is looking all over the apartment for pregnant sister-in-law. Can't find her. She's leaving now.
Jeff, Jo's brother the hurricane pilot and husband of the pregnant girl, is waxing poetic about taking his kid to a baseball game. Dude, you are going to die JUST BECAUSE YOU SAID THAT.
Randy Quaid is recording his Will into his camcorder and leaving all his film equipment to Brian Dennehy. How is he going to find your film equipment, Randy, when it is buried under hundreds of tons of rubble? Seriously. Unless you find a Mail Boxes Etc RIGHT now and Fed Ex it, he is not going to get it. I'm just saying.
Dianne Wiest is trying to get all of the power companies in
America to work together to give Chicago some power. “A group, humanitarian effort.”
You know who should advertise on this show? Prius Electric Hybrid cars. You know about the oil, right? Running out in 10-15 years if we continue to burn it at current levels? That is why I bought Purple Heat, my bike. Seriously. I only use my car to go to the grocery store to buy more port wine cheese spread. And Tab, because it's hard to fit a 24 pack of Tab in my bike basket.
Back to the movie:
Jo is at the apartment of the mole. He is holed up in his mole-hole. He says, “I'm totally stressed.” Jo looks concerned. Ominous music is playing. What is happening? Is Jo realizing she loves the mole and wants him to be the father of the baby she never had because she was too busy having a career?
No! Jo is realizing that the MOLE who gave her all the info IS THE HACKER.
I am so bummed. I was so hoping it was Slutty Blonde. Or Lindsey.
Speaking of whom, back at the bank, Lindsey is dying. “You know I didn't mean to do this, right?” Gun-Toting BF asks, not in a very concerned manner. Brave Mom ignores him, rightfully, as she tries to keep her daughter's LIFE BLOOD FROM POURING OUT ONTO THE BANK FLOOR!!!
I'm going to say this one last time:
I TOLD YOU GIRLS TO DATE NERDS!!!! I TOLD YOU!!!! NOT GUN-TOTING GANGBANGERS!!!! I KNOW THEY SEEM EXOTIC BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LOOK WHAT CAN HAPPEN!!! Now Lindsey's dying, all because she HAD to date the guy in the hoodie.
Meanwhile, Jo is yelling at the hacker who brought down the power grid
(DON'T DATE HACKERS EITHER. Nerds, yes. Hackers, no. Oh, but wait, if more of you dated hackers, they wouldn't hack as much. This is a problem. Let me think about it and get back to you).
They need to evacuate everyone from southern Lake Michigan—but where??? Into the path of oncoming tornadoes??? Brian Dennehy wants to know. So he calls Randy Quaid. Well, who wouldn't?
Hacker is taking Jo and her cameraman into electric company to try to turn the power back on.
Dianne Wiest has all the power she needs, thanks to the good power companies of America—who are billing the electric company who caused all this back in Chicago.
POWER IS GOING BACK ON ALL OVER CHICAGO!!! LITTLE BROTHER'S REFRIGERATOR WENT BACK ON!!!! He played the answering machine, and heard Brave Mom say she and Lindsey are going to the bank. Little Brother's name, by the way, is Garth.
Garth. I'm dying.
“What did we ever do to piss off Mother Nature?” the head of the electric company wants to know as he stands in his skyscraper built to withstand 103 mile an hour winds. Too bad a Category 6 is winds of over 150 mph.
A chopper is coming to air-lift the electric company execs off the roof—OR IT WOULD LIKE TO, IF IT HADN'T JUST CRASHED AND EXPLODED INTO THEM!!!
Too bad. I wanted to see them get hit by the tornado.
Wait, was Slutty Blonde on that roof? Did Slutty Blonde die, too? Dang, I got distracted by the phone. “Hello, Mrs. My-Married-Name?” Click. I am on the federal Do Not Call list, too. This is scandalous. Have you ever gotten the new ones where they leave a message on your answering machine that goes, “Louise? Are you there? I hope this is you. Well, even if it's not, I just can't control myself, I just got the best news from my mortgage company! I can get no interest with zero percent down if I just call this number in the next twenty-four hours! No, really!”
Seriously. I get those ALL THE TIME.
We're back. Garth aka Little Brother observes that everyone in his neighborhood is packing up and leaving, but he can't through to his mom on his cell phone.
Sister-in-law in the elevator isn't feeling too good.
Hilarious footage of people being blown away by the wind.
Hurricane pilot finally got through to wife on her cell phone. He is telling the neighbor the sister-in-law is trapped with about the deadly storm. Then their cell service cuts out—before she can dial 911!
Garth has made it to the mall! He's wandering around, looking for his mom and Lindsey. His dad calls and Garth says, “I was freaking. I couldn't call oot.” Oot, not out. GARTH IS CANADIAN!!!! Philandering Husband and Brave Wife have a Canadian son! How did they do that?
Garth is reunited with Lindsey and his brave mom! The power is back on and they all got out of the bank, but they can't call an ambulance for Lindsey—there are no ambulances! Everyone is evacuating!
Jo is hurrying with her cameraman into the electric company building. She just told Philandering Husband that Dan the Hacker is putting the power back on.
But all the other power companies in America are sending THEIR power to them! Dan the Hacker, by undoing his hack, is going to OVERLOAD THE SYSTEM!!!!
Also, I just want to point out that MOST screenplays don't get made into movies. Something like 40,000 screenplays are optioned a year, or something like that, but only 200 of them ever actually get made.
I'm not saying I could have written a better one, or anything. I'm just saying this one was considered by the producers to be one of the better ones. Out of the 40,000 out there.
Back to the movie:
Brave Wife finally got through to Philandering Husband on his cell phone! She told him about Lindsey! He is jumping into Jo's van to go to the mall to rescue Lindsey!
Awww, Dan the Hacker just got electrocuted to death. See??? See what can happen when you HACK????
Randy Quaid is not heeding Brian Dennehy's warning to get out of there. What else is new? He's got “triplets,” three 5Fs in and around Chicago. He is so excited. Brian Dennehy hangs up sadly and says, “Two monster storms, colliding right over the city of Chicago.”
Oh, yeah. Good times.
So. Henrietta is snoring. Loudly. She's sleeping like a little kitty angel. She's soooo tired from her busy day of eating port wine cheese spread.
OK, they're back. Huge tornadoes are destroying Chicago. Jo and her cameraman Jason are driving Mitch the philandering husband to the mall to get Lindsey. Jo's hurricane pilot brother is still frantically trying to reach her to let her know about his wife, still trapped in the elevator.
Mass riots and bedlam in the streets of Chicago. Lindsey still dying. Garth is keeping pressure on the wound. Now no good Gun-Toting creep has come back—he wants to help. This time, he says it like he means it. Oh, look, he has brought Lindsey some Sprite. Oh, maybe that's rubbing alcohol, and not Sprite. Although I wouldn't put it past him to want a refreshing beverage while his girlfriend is croaking.
All the windows in the building where the pregnant sister-in-law is trapped have burst out from the pressure, raining glass down on her and her neighbor, who huddle under a piece of cardboard.
Jo has shown up at the mall with Jason the cameraman and Philandering Husband. The happy family is reunited! “I'm so sorry,” P.H. says to his wife. And you know he DOESN'T JUST MEAN ABOUT THE GUN SHOT WOULD TO HIS DAUGHTER'S CHEST. That sorry is filled with pathos and hidden meaning. What he is REALLY sorry about is the Slutty Blonde.
Too bad it took a Category 6 Day of Destruction to point out the error of his ways.
Meanwhile they are trying to get Lindsey out of the mall as it blows away behind them. Sadly, Gun-Toting Creep gets hit by a pylon on the way out, and dies.
RIP, Rain Man.
t! The news van has been blown upside down!!!
Nevertheless, Jo's brother gets through to her and says he needs her to get his elevator-trapped wife. He is going to land and try to pick them up.
Um, yeah. That'll work.
Back to Randy Quaid, filming people dying in a building in downtown Chicago as a tornado rips through it. Since he is in a car OUTSIDE the building, I'm not sure how he is seeing INSIDE the building to get this footage.
But it doesn't matter because now a tornado is picking Randy Quaid up and sucking him and his car into its suck zone. Poor Randy Quaid is still trying to steer as he flips up into the air and dies.
Aw. That was almost touching.
The telemarketers seem to have given up. Ha! Victory is mine!
Back on: In the weather center, everyone is very sad. Brian Dennehy can't reach Randy Quaid. Um, because dead men don't answer their cell phones, Brian.
Philandering Husband is driving his family, Jo, and Cameraman Jason through the storm strewn streets of Chicago—“Dad, look oot!” Garth cries…power lines are falling on the street!
Back in the elevator, Neighbor lady is trying to keep Pregnant Sister-in-law calm.
At the TV station, everyone is hiding in the storm shelter.
Jo and Cameraman Jason have made it to Pregnant Sister-in-law's building! Philandering Husband is going to try to help them while Lindsey and Garth and Brave Wife wait bravely for them in the parking garage, so they can all rendezvous to meet the Hurricane Pilot, who has a medic on board and is going to try to land through the eye of the hurricane on McCormick Field, a small abandoned airstrip.
They only have one shot at that landing, BTW. In case you didn't already know that.
Cameraman Jason is climbing down the elevator shaft to save Pregnant Sister-in-law of Jo from “Facts of Life” when–Oh no! Jason falls! What a surprise! He thinks he broke his leg! They have to leave him behind in order to get to the airstrip on time!
But that's OK, Jo and the Neighbor Lady are staying behind to help the cameraman.
Only Philandering Husband can help the Pregnant Sister-in-Law and his family now! Will he be able to make it to the airstrip on time and—perhaps–redeem himself for his misdeed with Slutty Blonde?
NONE CAN KNOW!!!! Until the end of this movie anyway.
More storm footage. The hospitals are overcrowded. Dianne Wiest blames herself. Outages are spreading all over the country—everywhere but Texas (did I miss something? Why is this?)
Now the power has gone out in Washington DC as well. Dianne Wiest sits quietly in the dark with her tea cup. Awww. Cute.
Jeff the Hurricane Storm Watcher is making his emergency landing. Philandering Husband has crashed the car driving dying Lindsey and Pregnant Sister-in-law, Brave Wife, and Canadian Garth. God, P.H. is such a loser. I hope he gets cut in half by a plane propeller.
Now he and Canadian Garth are trying to pry the car lose.
Jo and Neighbor Lady are still trying to get Cameraman Jason down from the elevator he fell on top of.
Jeff is trying to land. He's made it to the eye!
P.H. and Garth have fixed the car! They made it to the landing strip! Jeff has landed! He and his pregnant wife are reunited! Lindsey is safely transferred to the plane! They are taking off again—into the WALL OF THE STORM. Brave Mom tells Canadian Garth to put on his seatbelt on the plane. BECAUSE TURBULENCE IS WAY MORE DANGEROUS THAN ANY OF LINDSEY'S BOYFRIENDS.
Jo and Neighbor Lady have gotten Cameraman down—just in time for the walls to collapse!
I am bored of commercials so I checked my email and I just got a snotty message from a reader that says, “You really need to get better at answering your email. Anonymous.”
OH, I'M SORRY, BUT MAYBE I AM A LITTLE TOO BUSY WRITING BOOKS FOR YOU TO READ, NOT TO MENTION GOING ON BOOK TOURS, UPDATING MY BLOG, ANSWERING YOUR REQUESTS FOR ADVICE, RUNNING THE MEG CABOT BOOK CLUB, AND GIVING YOU UP-TO-DATE REVIEWS OF MADE-FOR-TV DISASTER MOVIES TO ANSWER THE APPROXIMATELY 200 EMAILS I GET PER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Does JK Rowling get this kind of grief from HER readers? That's what I want to know.
And she doesn't even provide vital services like made-for-TV movie reviews on her site.
Movie's back on.
Alarms are going off like crazy on the plane. Good thing Garth's seatbelt is on. Pregnant sister-in-law's contractions are too close for comfort.
Jo, Cameraman, and Neighbor Lady survived the wall collapse, but he still can't walk due to broken leg.
The weather plane has reached the base and waiting ambulances.
AND PHILANDERING HUSBAND IS STILL ALIVE. HE IS NOT DEAD YET. THERE ARE ONLY LIKE TEN MINUTES LEFT AND HE IS STILL ALIVE. THIS IS SUCH A RIP OFF.
Cameraman lost the tapes of the Dan the Hacker/Mole. Jo says not to worry. She will figure it out–the world needs to know.
Philandering Husband is now telling Pregnant Sister-in-law that Jo the reporter will be all right—TOO MANY STORY LINES HAVE CROSSED. I AM HAVING CROSSING STORY LINE OVERLOAD.
Bodybags. Like hundreds of them.
Storm's over. Now we see the aftermath. Wreckage of buildings. Whole skyscrapers torn apart. Everything looking like Atlanta after it burned in “Gone with The Wind.” Brian Dennehy watches sadly on his TV. If only he had gotten the word out sooner! If only the power grid hadn't been hacked! If only the people in power would LISTEN to the nerds!
Brian's successor isn't sure he'll be able to handle the job. He wants Brian to stay on as a consultant, instead of retiring.
Wait—Brian isn't dead? What is up with THAT?
At the air base, the baby was delivered safely! The happy couple plans on moving to California (????)
Lindsey is fine! She's especially happy to see Philandering Dad and Brave Wife—together.
So Philandering Husband made it out alive. What a crock. He so deserved to die.
Dianne Wiest met with the President and he asked her to help him build the system back up again. Does she stay or turn into former cabinet member turned outspoken critic? What will she do? She knew the wake up call was coming…but did it have to come at such a high cost?
SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE TO AMERICA: BUY A BIKE BUY A BIKE BUY A BIKE BUY A BIKE BUY A BIKE BUY A BIKE BUY A BIKE BACK TO BLOG
Jo is all right! So is the Cameraman! They are covering the story of the destruction of Chicago! Jo is finally getting to report hard news! She is telling the story of Dan the Hacker/Mole! He was willing to sacrifice his own life to correct the damage he inadvertently did trying to prove to the nation how vulnerable their power grid really is….
Fade out on Chicago lying in smoking ruin.
Good God. I'm exhausted now. I feel like there was a Category 6 in MY town.