Meg Reviews Category 6: Day of Destruction, Part One
I'm so psyched. I LOVE made-for-TV disaster movies. And this one looks like it might be even worse than “10.5”, the worst disaster movie since…ever.
Okay, it starts in Vegas. Um, what is Dianne Wiest doing in a made-for-TV disaster movie? Nancy McKeon aka Jo from “Facts of Life” I can understand, but isn't Diane Wiest like an Academy Award winner? Or something?
Oh well, who cares. Look! Lightning! SUPERCELLS!!!
AND NEWLYWEDS!!!! Excellent combo.
By the way, I am eating smoked almonds and sugar-free chocolate while I watch this. I'm a little worried about the chocolate because it says on the package: Warning: In excessive amounts, this product may have a laxative effect in sensitive individuals.
Fortunately I am completely insensitive so I should be all right.
I am also drinking Fresca, since it's after 5PM, so I can't have Tab or I'll be up all night. I mean, I am sensitive to CAFFEINE. But not SUGAR FREE CHOCOLATE.
Henrietta is watching the show with me. She LOVES disaster movies.
OK, so a giant tornado is bearing down on Vegas and no one is noticing.
Oh, the bride's dress just ripped off. That ALWAYS happens during tornadoes. I know, I'm from Indiana, we had tons of skirtless brides all over the place, due to tornadoes. It was so EMBARRASSING.
This is seriously the stupidest thing I have ever seen. I mean, a SKIRT blowing off???
Wait, I have to email Michele, she lives in Vegas, I think she needs to be aware of the tornado/bride situation.
OK. So Brian Dennehy is the head of some kind of Weather Forecast Bureau. He thinks there's something fishy about those tornados. They have to warn the people FASTER!
Ooooo Nancy McKeon is a news journalist who is worried about global warming. Dianne Wiest is the Secretary of Energy. Oh my God, there is an ENERGY CRISIS. People have to keep their air conditioning at 79. I would die. Just kill me. I don't want to live in a world where you have to keep your AC at 79. That is like having no AC at all.
OH MY GOD IS THAT A QUAID???? I can't tell because he has a hat on. But he COULD be Randy Quaid. He's playing a storm chaser.
If he also flies a crop duster, he should talk to his agent about typecasting.
Nancy McKeon doesn't appear to be wearing a bra. Also, what is with her hair? Oh, sorry. Back to the movie: her brother is a hurricane-plane pilot. His wife is pregnant. Clearly, Nancy will be called upon to rescue her pregnant sister-in-law while her husband is out there flying into hurricanes. Possibly she will also have to deliver her sister-in-law's baby during the Category 6 storm.
Yes. Oh, yes. I am loving this.
Oh, Brian Dennehy is retiring from his job as head of the weather. This means he will be dead by the end of the movie.
Some guy at the state-run power grid place is having an affair with a skanky blonde who works for the power supply company. He appears be the same guy who yelled at his daughter for using a hair dryer. He is married to the blonde woman who complained about the AC. I can't really tell though because everyone in this movie looks the same. Except for Brian Dennehy and Nancy McKeon. And Dianne Wiest.
And the Quaid, of course.
Oh my God, Nancy McKeon is trying to break the big energy crisis story. Hackers have been hacking into the power grid and, um, hacking it. This is a big problem because then the hackers could hack the power and make it go out. And then that girl will NEVER get her hair dry. Which is a problem because her hair is frizzing out from the unseasonable heat wave in Chicago.
Huh. Commercial. V-8. Something called Procrit. Ooooh, power generators. I SO need a power generator. Hey, this is a good ad to play during this movie. Guardian Power Systems. I am so getting one. The power in Key West goes out ALL THE TIME. One time it went out because everyone at the power station was at a funeral and there was no one to turn the power back on. Hey, this would be a good plot twist for this movie. Forget hackers—make the power go out because everyone is at Brian Dennehy's funeral!
OK, it's back on:
So I'm pretty sure the dude with the daughter is the one having the affair with the slutty blonde exec from the power company. Obviously, he will have to die saving someone by the end of this movie after his wife finds out he is cheating on her.
Brian Dennehy just said, “Something out there is changing our climate! We better deal with it, or more people are going to die.”
I wish he would go, “Looks like I picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue.” But that is hoping for too much, I know.
I wonder if it will turn out that Bin Laden has gotten hold of a climate-changing machine. And then he and Brian Dennehy will have to fight in the mountains of Pakistan at the end! That would RULE!!!! I WOULD PAY MONEY TO SEE BRIAN DENNEHY FIGHT BIN LADEN!!!! HAND TO HAND!!! OH PLEASE GOD LET THAT HAPPEN!!!
Lindsay, aka Frizzy-Hair daughter, just had to be bailed out of jail for trying to stop her boyfriend from fighting at the mall. She just gave her philandering dad the “You so don't care about me and my family” look.
He is SO going down by the end of this movie. Or possibly he will be redeemed by the love of his family and see the error of his ways.
But I hope he dies instead.
Randy-Quaid lookalike used to work for the National Weather Service but now he is giving tours of tornado alley to Japanese tourists. He has a family of them in his shack and is lecturing them about tornado safety and the Fujita scale. D'OH. We got all this in “Twister”, dudes, one of the best disaster movies ever, containing the immortal line, uttered by Aunt Meg: “Did you see my cows out front? Oh!”
OK, so a hacker just turned out the lights at Wrigley Field during the Big Game.
You know what would rule? If Lindsay turned out to be the computer hacker who brings down the power grid. “So there, Dad! That's what you get for keeping the AC on 79! not to mention that crack about my hair!” I mean, clearly the hacker is someone who works for the power company with Slutty Blonde. But it would be cool if it were Lindsey.
Arctic low pressure system. Only Brian Dennehy pronounced it “artic.” Which means the scriptwriter didn't use spellcheck. Not that this has ever happened to me. I'm just saying.
So this movie has some of the worse computer generated graphics I have ever seen. This truck just got split in half by a windmill blade that flew off its stand, and it looked like something from my Playstation. 1. My FIRST Playstation.
Commercials. Blah blah blah. I wish someone would get me a new Fresca. I can't get up because Henrietta has crawled under the covers and is snuggling with me. I guess she lost interest in the movie. She will run away if I get up.
I just looked this movie up on imdb.com and that IS Randy Quaid!!! Randy, Randy, Randy. You so need a new agent. Why do you keep playing the same part over and over? And Dianne, what were you thinking? Should have stuck with “Law and Order.”
They should do a remake of “Captain Ron” with Randy Quaid in the Captain Ron part. That would rule.
Oh, OK, so Nancy McKeon's sister-in-law's pregnancy is making Nancy question whether she made the right choice, going for a career instead of having kids.
Gee, I wonder if Nancy will give up her career and decide to have kids by the end of the movie. That would be such an ORIGINAL PLOT TWIST. Because you know those of us who are of child-bearing age who HAVEN'T had kids usually do need something like a Category 6
storm to motivate us to breed.
Uh-oh, Affair Guy's wife just caught on that he's having an affair—SIMPLY BY SEEING HIM AT A PRESS CONFERENCE ON TELEVISION!!! Interestingly, this didn't work for Hillary. I mean, she must have seen that clip of Bill and Monica on TV right after it happened, and she still didn't catch on. And they were HUGGING. Philandering Guy and Slutty Blonde weren't even touching.
Affair Guy's wife is being very brave and not calling him and telling him to get his cheating butt on home so she can kick it. Because he is an important Energy Guy and Chicago needs him.
Oh, okay, so the energy thing is some kind of power struggle between the electric companies, and the Slutty Blonde's boss is behind it. Probably he is the mystery hacker, too.
BUT WHO IS CONTROLLING THE WEATHER????
Commercials. So many commercials. Why is no one bringing me a Fresca?
A plane is landing through the lightning storm. The pilot and co-pilot look like exactly the same person. The plane didn't even crash, but landed safely. I guess they didn't want to spend the extra $7 to create the computer generated plane crash graphics.
Ooooh, Philandering Husband and his wife are having the Confrontation! He is holding a glass of lemonade and what looks like a plate of salami. He puts them down as he says, “I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.”
This is some fine, fine acting. You know, there were probably people who auditioned for the part of Philandering Husband who didn't get it. And they were probably all mad. They were like, “I told my grandma I'd be in Category 6 with Dianne Wiest, and then I didn't even get the part! This sucks! I'm going back to manning the salad bar at Olive Garden! Screw this acting thing!”
Philandering Husband is sleeping in the guest room tonight, FYI. And Lindsey overheard the whole thing.
Randy Quaid, aka Tornado Tommy, was just told by old buddy Brian Dennehy not to get himself killed. Which means Randy Quaid is going down, too. They can be together in Weather Heaven! I can't WAIT!
Trouble in paradise for Slutty Blonde and Philandering Husband. He is mad because her power company isn't delivering on their promises. This is what happens when you mix work and romance.
Lindsay's BF just robbed a convenience mart to get her a slushy.
Randy Quaid and the Japanese family are standing directly in the path of an F5. But he didn't die. Yet. Instead, he called Brian Dennehy on his mobile phone and left him a long message telling him what just happened because Brian Dennehy wasn't at his desk. Then Randy went–I'm totally serious–“Call you later, buddy!”
Um, probably not, Randy. BECAUSE YOU'LL BOTH BE DEAD.
Uh oh. The nuclear plant in Jarvis Beach outside Chicago has leaked, killing all the fish. Possibly the guy who plays Snake on Degrassi had a tiny walk on in that scene but I looked away and missed it.
Dianne Wiest is yelling at the power company guy.
I hope they paid Dianne Wiest a LOT for this.
More trouble in paradise for Married Guy and his Slutty Friend. She is being told to lie by her employer. She feels this is ethically wrong.
But sleeping with a married guy so isn't! She has some really impressive moral standards.
Married Guy's wife is crying at home but bravely telling her children nothing is wrong.
It's now 10:23 and Brian Dennehy is not dead yet. WHY???? I am hitting Info.
OH MY GOD THIS IS A TWO PARTER.
YOU MEAN I HAVE TO WATCH THIS TOMORROW NIGHT??????????????
I AM DYING.
Whatever. I must bravely carry on, like Married Guy's wife.
Nancy McKeon is yelling at the mole from the power company who was hired to protect the grid from hackers. Now he is telling all on camera. Well, not all. Like, not how if current worldwide government policies stay as they are, emissions of carbon dioxide from energy production activities will grow by 60 percent between now and 2030.
By which point I'll be dead from having to keep my AC at 79, so it's not like I care.
They just showed an Onstar Weather Satellite floating through space. FOR NO REASON. Like, Bin Laden wasn't riding on it or anything. Maybe this will have something to do with a later plot twist. Like the hacker can control the weather. THROUGH HACKING WEATHER SATELLITES. Oh my God, that would be so cool.
Lindsay and her little brother are discussing their parents' marital issues in the kitchen. This scene is kind of realistic. What is it doing in this movie? I wish something else would blow up.
Major storm about to hit Chicago area. Philandering Husband is telling his wife to get the kids and come to the power station to hide out in the storm cellar. Brave wife doesn't want to—because “SHE” aka Slutty Blonde will be there. Philandering husband looks pained. Why did she marry this butthead in the first place? He's such a jerk. Lindsey should get her BF to shoot him.
Lindsey is at the mall (what else is new?) and her little brother is on his way to camp. Mom calls him on his mobile and tells him to come home. Then she heads to the mall to find Lindsey.
Hurricane hunter brother is telling Nancy McKeon to stay away from the lake. He is sending his pregnant wife to her parents.
Lindsay is trying to break up with her criminal, gun-toting boyfriend. AT THE MALL. Where everyone breaks up with their gun-toting boyfriend. Her mom finds her and tells her to come home—there's a storm abrewin'. They are stopping at the bank to get cash in case they need to send out for pizza during the storm or something. Gun-toting BF just followed them into the bank, looking all mad….
Nancy McKeon's sister-in-law is about to get on an elevator….
JUST AS THE HACKER IS CUTTING OFF ALL THE POWER!!!!
Lindsay and her mom are trapped in the bank with gun-toting BF! Nancy McKeon's pregnant sister-in-law is trapped in the elevator!
OH MY GOD MY CABLE JUST WENT OUT!!!!
I AM TOTALLY SERIOUS!!!!
IT IS LIKE CATEGORY 6 IN MY HOUSE!!!!
Okay, so I lost cable power for the last ten minutes of the movie. DO NOT BE ALARMED, it is not Bin Laden or a hacker, as I originally thought. Our cable goes out all the time. Because it's Comcast. Are you reading this, Comcast? I want my $3 back.
Anyway, Category 6 continues tomorrow night. By then Comcast might have my cable working again….
UNLESS THEY'VE BEEN ATTACKED BY HACKERS.