Meg’s Review of the VMAs
OK, so I'm all set to watch the VMAs. I have to watch them so I will know what people are talking about tomorrow. Also so I can stay in touch with my readers. Also, because I want to see what stupid outfits my favorite performers will be wearing.
So, OK, I have my Fresca (I can only drink Tab before 5PM, otherwise I can't sleep from all the caffeine) and my smoked almonds, my new favorite snack. I prefer the Blue Diamond brand smoked almonds. They have a piquant smoky flavor that doesn't overwhelm the tongue, and a high salt-to-nut ratio. So I'm all set.
I am very excited to watch the stars come in on their yachts, so I am watching the pre-show.
Actually I don't know who any of these stars are, so I think I'll just see what's happening on HGTV. Ooooh, House Hunters! It's on right now! I love House Hunters! Oh, I've seen this one. But I don't remember what happens. I mean, I know they buy a house. But which one? I better watch it to see.
Back to the VMA preshow. Oh, it's Ashlee Simpson, I love her. Ouch, Ashlee, what happened? Well, I guess she's nervous. That's OK, I would be too. And at least she isn't lip synching.
That's a big deal, to sing on the VMAs. Well, the VMA preshow. No wonder she's nervous. Plus that guy is there. The one she denies she is dating right now. Or rather, her dad denies it. That Ashlee's dating him. Not her dad.
I don't think I can watch this. I better see what's happening on the Food Network.
OK, back to the VMAs. Oh, Gwen Stefani looks so pretty. She's starring in The Aviatrix. That will be good, whatever it is. She deserves a film career, much more so than some people who actually have film careers but really don't deserve them at all because they are talentless and are just married to the right people. Or whatever. Gwen's so poised and pretty. And her drummer is actually wearing clothes!
Do Gwen's band members hate her guts because she's launching a solo career, I wonder? Why is she so much taller than that guy she used to date, Kieran or whatever his name is? Why did he do that to his hair? Why do exboyfriends do weird things to their heads after you break up with them? Boys are so ODD.
OK, back to House Hunters. Wait. There is another hurricane coming to Florida. I just happened to pass the Weather Channel and noticed. People of Florida: How do you stand this? The hurricane thing, I mean. I just took all the boards OFF my windows (with my drill). Now I have to put them back UP again? What is up with this?
Oooh, they took the house with the nice views and the basement. I knew it. OK, back to the VMA preshow.
Oh, it's not the preshow anymore. It's the actual show. Why is Jlo wearing that hat? It looks like the hat Amy Irving wore in the movie Crossing Delancey. Is Jlo trying to look like Amy Irving? This is an odd fashion choice. I mean, that was a very good movie, but not one I would think Jlo would particularly revere and hope to emulate, fashion wise, as it is about Lower East Side Jewish grandmothers. Well, actually it's a very cute romance, with the Pickle Man, and all, but so not JLo's style….
Oh, look, it's raining on Usher. Isn't this kind of risky? I mean, what if Usher gets electrocuted?
What else is on? I mean, I don't want to watching someone get electrocuted.
Wow. That hurricane is really BIG. If it hits my house, I will either a) die, or b) be without electricity for a long time. I better book a flight back to New York for later this week so Henrietta and I can flee to safety and air conditioning. Oh, and my husband can come with us, too.
Wait, though. The GOP convention is in New York. Do I really want to be there? There are demonstrations and bomb-sniffing dogs and those weird things they put on top of the lamp posts to detect radiation everywhere.
But I don't want to be without cable for any amount of time. It's true everything is a rerun right now—even House Hunters—but you never know. And what about air-conditioning? I mean, it's like 100 degrees outside. I wouldn't last a minute down here without air-conditioning.
OK, let's see: Radiation or no air-conditioning. People throwing trash cans through Starbucks windows or no air-conditioning. Possible terrorist attack or no air- conditioning….
“Hello, Delta? Yes, how much is a ticket to New York from Key West? Um, leaving before the hurricane hits my house. I don't know when it's going to hit. Sometime next week. Let's say Thursday. Morning. Yeah, that's a good time for it to hit. Coming back—I don't know. Whenever they get the electricity back on. Yeah. How much would that be?”
Oh, look, a woman is singing. Who is that woman? Oh, it's Chaka Khan. She is not singing on key. Poor Chaka Khan. She can't hear her band. That is a shame. At least she's not lip-synching. Keep on keepin' it real, Chaka. Or Ms. Khan.
“Sixteen hundred? DOLLARS? For a ticket from Key West to New York that I can get refunded if the hurricane turns toward the Carolinas instead of hitting my house? Well, how much for a NON refundable ticket?”
Why does P Diddy have a Mohawk? Is he channeling his inner MC Hammer?
People shouldn't boo the Kerry sisters. I know you're watching an awards show and don't want to hear about politics right now, but that is very rude. I am embarrassed for America right now, and have to change the channel.
Oooo, Sixteen Candles is on AMC! I love Sixteen Candles! Not as much as Breakfast Club, of course. Or Some Kind of Wonderful. Or Pretty in Pink. Hey, I wonder if you can tell stuff about someone's personality from their favorite John Hughes movie. What does it say about me that I like Some Kind of Wonderful more than Pretty in Pink? I know all the lines—well, okay, I didn't know that one. But I know a lot of them.
“Two forty nine? And a hundred dollars if I have to change it? That sounds good. I mean, better than sixteen hundred. You can get to FRANCE for sixteen hundred. I just want to go to New York. Can I buy that ticket? Also, I'll be traveling with a cat. And a husband.”
Ooooh, Christina Aguilera looks good. And she's singing in key! And in tune! You go Xtina! Sing it, girlfriend! Wait—is she lip-synching? I can't tell.
Are all my new friends in Key West going to think I'm a wuss because I'm taking a plane back to New York instead of sticking it out through the hurricane?
But they don't understand how important air conditioning is to me. And cable. What if I miss the Degrassi premiere? When IS the Degrassi premiere?
Alecia Keys is singing. She is in key, too! Go Alecia! You rule!
Wait, is SHE lip-synching?
And who is that guy? I don't know. I don't know who ANY of the guys are.
Oooh, look. My husband made steak. And a lovely tossed salad with a tangy vinaigrette.
Break for steak and salad with tangy vinaigrette. Oooh, and Six Feet Under. I LOVE Six Feet Under this season. Claire is SOOO Samantha Madison. If Samantha Madison were in college and lived in a funeral home and did Ecstasy all the time.
Wow, that was good. Oooh, look, the VMAs are still on. Wait, I'm supposed to be reviewing them. Gosh, they're on a really long time.
OK, back to the VMAs. I am totally watching it now. No more flipping. I am all set. I am staying on this channel. I ate some steak so I have all this protein and I'm all refreshed, new can of Fresca and everything. I'm here, I'm on it, I'm–
ay, so where is Britney? BRING OUT BRITNEY. God, this is so boring. Is there a makeover show on somewhere?
No! No makeover shows. What gives? How come when you're in the mood for a makeover show, there isn't one?
Oh, look, Nick Lachey and Paris Hilton. That's a weird couple to pair up. Is Jessica jealous? That Nick is with Paris and not her? Did Jessica see the video? The one of Paris and that guy that someone emailed me and I didn't want to see it but I accidentally looked and now it's scarred on my retina forever? Did someone send it to Jessica, too?
I bet Nick saw it. And liked it.
That's OK, Nick, I won't hold it against you.
Oh, look, No Doubt won another award. But where is Gwen? Why isn't she with the rest of the band? Is she in the bathroom? Don't you think they'd have warned her and said, “Hey, Gwen, our other award is coming up, don't go to the bathroom, we might win.”
Hey, her ex isn't there, either. That's kind of weird. I mean, that they're both missing at the same time. It might make you think–
OMG!!!!!!! ARE THEY IN THE BATHROOM TOGETHER???? MAKING OUT?????????
WHAT ABOUT GWEN'S HUSBAND GAVIN????
THIS IS BLOWING MY MIND!!!!!!!! I CAN'T WATCH THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!
What's happening with the hurricane? Argh, still coming this way. If my new house blows down I'm going to be REALLY MAD.
Why is pretty Mandy Moore with weird Marilyn Manson? Why is Marilyn Manson so popular? I mean, probably he is very talented, and just misunderstood. But he seems kind of…well, for instance, he is chewing gum. I HATE that. I mean, this is an awards show. His false eyelash isn't even ON right. You would think he would put in a little more effort on his big night.
WHAT IF GAVIN FINDS OUT???? That's all I'm saying. I mean, if all of America knows Gwen was in the bathroom making out with her ex when one of her awards was announced, it seems like GAVIN would know. About Gwen and Whathisname, I mean. Being in the bathroom together. This is really wrong. I wonder what Jessica Simpson's dad would have to say about it.
Oh, look—it's some kind of gospel choir. Who are these people? That is cute. Is it from a musical? OH MY GOD IS THAT ONE OF MY EXBOYFRIENDS IN THE CHOIR?
Oh, no. Just a guy with funny hair.
OK, I am DEFINITELY leaving town if this hurricane comes at us. I don't care what my new friends think. Hey, they can come to New York with me! I have a guest room!
But it won't fit that many people. Oh my God, how do I choose? Who to save, I mean? I think I should definitely save my pool guys, because they haven't even STARTED the pool yet. I really need a pool.
But it would be nice to get my kitchen finished, too. I should save my kitchen design crew, too. I mean, God knows they have been in my house every day for two months, they are like family now. Damn. Who to save, who to leave….
I think I have a fever. I'm almost sure of it. I definitely have one. Oh, God, I'm sick. What's wrong with me? The thought of Gwen cheating on Gavin has made me feverish. Or maybe it was Jlo's hat….
Oh, it's just my laptop making me hot. Phew.
Hey, Outkast. Finally, some guys I recognize.
THAT was IT?
Is Gwen STILL in the bathroom?
And how did Outkast know they were going to win Video of the Year? Did someone TELL them beforehand? Because what if they'd lost? They wouldn't really have felt like getting up there and singing, would they?
So they must have known they were going to win. This thing is rigged! The VMAs are FIXED! I feel totally cheated!
I mean, if I had really watched it, I'd feel cheated.
But I watched a LOT of it! Enough to know there wasn't even a single snake! What is UP with that? And no one Frenched Madonna!
This is stupid. I have to go to bed. I think I might be coming down with something. Okay. Good night.
PS All portions of this television diary guaranteed real except for the part where I bought the plane tickets because the truth is I made my husband do that because I was too busy flipping back and forth between Sixteen Candles and that show about pork on the Food Network which ended up being quite good.
Also the part about my having a fever. Although I really did think I might have one. But it might have been the two duvets on top of me because the Air Conditioning is on so high. Mmmm, air-conditioning….