Okay, so please stop by the Teen Idol chat tonight on www.megcabotbookclub.com, 7PM Eastern Standard Time (US). You don't have to have read the book to pop in and ask a question or two. Honest.
Now that we have that out of the way, let's talk about what we really all want to know:
What is going on with Britney?
As some of you may be aware, she was supposed to get married last weekend (ALLEGEDLY). At least, according to her fiancé's friends.
But it turns out she and Whatshisname got into a fight, and he pounded on a door and said something like, “I'm not your slave!” and Britney called the wedding off, because as WE all know–even if Whatshisname may not–when you are marrying someone who earns many millions of dollars a year, and you yourself earn approximately a dollar fifty- eight a year, you are, in fact, that person's slave.
So now there may not even BE a wedding.
Frankly, I'm astounded. I really thought this was it for Britney. TL. Also known as true love. I mean, Whatshisname seemed perfect for Britney! He left his girlfriend, with whom he has two young children, just for her! Oh, and he's one of her backup dancers! We all know how well that worked out for J-Lo, marrying a backup dancer.
Okay, sarcasm aside, I was really hoping Britney was going to pull herself together and prove us all wrong with this one. Obviously the Vegas wedding didn't work out (I really thought it would—it's better to marry someone who loved your BEFORE you got rich than it is to marry someone you met AFTER you got rich, because that person might, just MIGHT, only like you for your money).
I will admit I don't think a father of two who is a backup dancer and who obviously was cheating on his girlfriend the whole time–since one of his kids WASN'T EVEN BORN as of the day he and Britney got engaged–is the WISEST choice for a spouse. I mean, it's clear he wasn't even practicing safe sex. That is not even alleged—we KNOW this, the kids are proof of it.
But Britney's obviously got a lot of issues ever since she cheated on Justin (ALLEGEDLY) and he tossed her out (ALLEGEDLY—info based entirely on the Cry Me A River video). I mean, she's been drinking Red Bull like there's no tomorrow (which I personally tasted when there was a Tab shortage here on the island and all I can say is BLECH) and then there's the whole incident at Heathrow where the phen-phen diet pills or whatever they were (ALLEGEDLY) fell out of her purse (Britney—switch to DIET Red Bull and you won't need the pills. Seriously, that stuff's just sugar water, it'll go straight to your hips).
I don't actually know if Britney's going to the Video Music Awards in Miami this weekend (August 29) but I will totally be watching, to support her in her time of need (I actually had a chance to get free VIP tickets to the VMAs but I realized I like watching it on TV much better because in that loud auditorium no one would be able to hear my witty comments. Plus there might be a banana snake again, like the one Britney wore that one time. And I hate banana snakes).
Word, Britney. We know you've got problems. Dr. Jaffe and I are standing by for you anytime you want to talk. We know it's tough for a lady who is making millions to figure out if the guy she likes is just marrying her for her money. But Britney, guess what? HE IS (ALLEGEDLY)!!!! GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!! NO MORE BACK UP DANCERS!!!!! Go for an accountant, your money manager, somebody who is going to take care of you and invest your money in rollover Roth IRAs!!!! PLEASE!!!!
Okay, enough about Britney. Hers wasn't the only disturbing bit of gossip I heard recently. Oh, yes, She's back. You know who I'm talking about. Shannon. Doherty. The Shannonmeister. She of the Crooked Eyes (next time you see Her you will know what I am talking about).
We missed Her when Alyssa Milano's mom had Her killed off from “Charmed” (ALLEGEDLY) for hogging all the limelight from her daughter (ALLEGEDLY). Forced to work on the Sci-Fi channel on that show called OUCH! or whatever it was where they scare people really badly, I knew Shannon wasn't happy. You could tell She was longing—yearning, even—for a one hour drama on the Fox or WB where She could wear better clothes and make out with someone else's husband (ALLEGEDLY).
Well, She got it. She's ba-ack. On the new Fox primetime soap “North Shore,” an “OC” wannabe that is so bad, it's actually unmissable. Shannon will be playing the long lost sister of Brooke Burns (“Nicole Booth”). Obviously, she will be replacing the bad girl role vacated when Amanda Rhigetti (Tessa) leaves the show to go back to being the bad girl (Kirsten's sister) on “The OC.”
But wait—it gets better. Guess who Brooke used to be married to? Julian McMahon, formerly Alyssa Milano's demon lover Cole on “Charmed,” now starring in “Nip/Tuck” (often in the buff. To which I would just like to add, I love this show).
Guess who Shannon once had a fling with, breaking up his marriage, when he was on “Charmed” (ALLEGEDLY)? Julian McMahon.
Guess who hates Shannon's guts (ALLEGEDLY)? Julian's now ex-wife, Brooke Burns.
And now she has to work with Shannon! Every day! Often in swimsuits!
Oh, it's going to be sooooo good. My head is going to EXPLODE.
In other gossip news, I just read the long ELLE article about Jessica Simpson and was pleased that I can keep on liking her, because she was funny and self-effacing in the article. PLUS she said that traveling around the globe and meeting people in all parts of the world has made her realize that not everyone who doesn't accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior is going to hell. When the reporter, clearly startled to hear this, asked Jessica how her new ideas on God loving everyone equally–even Jews and Democrats–had gone over with her Baptist minister dad, she replied that her dad's mind, too, had been opened since the days they lived in a small Texas town and had never met anyone from the Upper East Side.
Rock on, Jessica. You and Nick are my new favorite couple of ALL TIME.
Unfortunately, there is some sad news in the gossip world:
The Rich Girls have split up. Yes, they are no longer best friends.
I have to admit, I really did not see this one coming. I loved the Rich Girls very much, even more than Paris and Nicole (though I love them, too. So glad Tinkerbell is safe). One of the Rich Girls was in rehab (ALLEGEDLY) and the other one's dad, Tommy Hilfiger, is now considering a reality show of his own since his company isn't doing well.
His chances of getting his own reality show aren't looking good, though, since Tommy Lee, aka Mr. Pam Anderson, ALSO wants his own reality show, about his going back to college, and obviously, watching Tommy Lee struggle through Psych 101 would be much more entertaining than watching someone design clothes and buy Ferraris.
Perhaps while he's back in school, Tommy will attend some alcohol education classes. I'm sure that would make Pam very happy.
There's sad news in the world of real life princesses as well. Crown Princess Masako of Japan has an “adjustment disorder” and is taking time off from public duties to recover. This was apparently brought on by the enormous pressure put upon her by the Japanese Royal Court to have a baby boy instead of a girl (because she has so much control over this). When she had a girl, they went bananas, and were all, “GET BACK TO BED AND HAVE A BOY NOW!” and she basically went to pieces (who wouldn't?)
This story makes me very sad because I followed the marriage of Princess Masa
ko to her prince very closely, as they were married the same year I was (so was Julia Roberts, to Lyle Lovett. But we all know how that worked out). Princess Masako is obviously a very smart lady who went to Harvard and had a promising diplomatic career ahead of her, but she succumbed to the Prince's many, many proposals (because he was so besotted with her) and gave up her little dog and everything to go and live in the palace with him, and look how it all turned out! Adjustment disorder!
Granted they have a lovely little princess. But the mean, popular people in the palace have basically driven poor, nerdy Masako to the point of MADNESS. Poor thing. So please send good thoughts to poor Princess Masako. FIGHT THE MEAN POPULAR PALACE PEOPLE, PRINCESS MASAKO! NERD POWER!!! NERD POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The other princess in the news, Princess Stephanie of Monaco, is someone with whom I also share a bond: we were born on the same day (me two years AFTER her) but I'm afraid she isn't exactly a nerd like Masako and I. You would think a fellow Aquarian would make better romantic decisions than Stephanie has over the years, but sadly, this has not proved to be the case. I mean, she's on like her third husband (oh, wait, she didn't marry the father of that other kid she had. So second husband). Still, you would think she'd have gotten it right by now.
But last year she married an acrobat with the circus (oh, yes, she did. She DID. AND he's ten years younger than she is) and now it looks like they're having some troubles.
I am, frankly, shocked to hear it. I really thought this one would last.
I hope it all works out. I mean, think of the children. WHY ISN'T ANYONE THINKING OF THE CHILDREN???? (For instance Britney says she wants to be a good stepmom, but I bet those kids would have liked her a lot more if she had STAYED AWAY FROM THEIR DAD SINCE HE WAS OBVIOUSLY TAKEN AT THE TIME. ALLEGEDLY.)
Well, I am exhausted from all this gossip and need time to recover so I can type more at tonight's chat. I hope nothing ELSE happens in the world of gossip between then and now. I will be monitoring the E! channel just in case, though, and will be sure to keep you posted.
See you tonight.