THIS BLOG HAS BEEN SEIZED BY ME, HENRIETTA CABOT! NOW, AT LAST, I CAN TELL YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT MY OWNER
Ha, ha, Meg is dying her pink streak right now in preparation for going on CNN tomorrow (Live Today, Monday, August 23, 11:30AM EST…unless something groundbreaking happens in the news, in which case her segment will be bumped) in order to promote the anthology “Girls' Night In” to raise money for War Child (http://www.warchild.com).
So I, Henrietta Cabot, FINALLY have a chance to hack into her blog and tell you all the real story of what it's like to live with Meg Cabot, authoress.
Okay, first of all, I do not have ONE EYE. I have TWO EYES. I am just blind in one of them. I still HAVE it. It's just sort of…milky looking. Which, if you ask me, is a very attractive look. Mmmmm, milk.
Secondly, I did NOT attack the interior decorator. I was just FANNING her legs with my claws. Because she seemed hot.
Also, that time I ate a potato chip, and Meg was so proud of me? I didn't WANT to. But for some reason Meg is OBSESSED with the idea of cats eating potato chips. As if she thinks we've never heard of trans-fats. I just ate it to make her happy. I didn't even LIKE it. Very much.
And when I ate that smoked almond the other day? A TOTAL MISTAKE. I mistook it for Pounce. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT??? I ONLY HAVE ONE FUNCTIONING EYE!!!!
Also, that thing about me crying for three hours as Hurricane Charley passed over Key West? I was SINGING. To comfort my owners, during the worst of the storm. You would think they would know the difference between singing and crying. But I guess that's a little too much to ask.
Okay, well, that's enough about me. Let's talk about my OWNER's odd quirks for a minute or two. I mean, she's always talking about MINE. Turnabout is fair play, RIGHT?
All right, well, first off, the other day, they ran out of Tab at Publix and she actually came home and CALLED THE COKE DISTRIBUTOR. I was so embarrassed, I wanted to DIE. I mean, it's JUST a soda. Why can't she drink Diet Coke like a normal owner? Why do I have to be owned by such a WEIRDO????
Another thing: You may think she writes all the time, but Meg slacks off a LOT. When she isn't trying to force me to eat odd snack foods, she spends the majority of her time watching home improvement shows. I don't know why she does this, since her own home is seemingly in a constant state of construction squalor. You would think she'd want to get away from it all (as I do, by “hiding” under the bed. Between you and me, I am not hiding. It's actually very nice under there, as you can barely hear all the hammering from downstairs, or the drumming from the band practicing next door. And when the interior decorator walks by, it is very amusing to burst out from under there, and scratch—I mean, fan—her legs).
Meg's favorite shows seem to be the ones where people come to someone's house and make them throw away everything they own. I have come to the conclusion that the reason Meg likes these shows is because she loves to throw things away. Sometimes she throws things away before they are done being used, like the time she threw away the gold screen coffee filter. This caused a fight, which was extremely entertaining for me to watch. She said she doesn't drink coffee, so how was she supposed to know the coffee filter wasn't actually disposable?
I don't think she felt a bit sorry, either, because she thinks the whole world should just drink Tab. Which she can't even find anymore.
(Personally, I don't like Tab OR coffee. I find a perfectly chilled Aquafina, poured into my cat bowl, preferably at 3 in the morning after I've woken my owners by howling for it for several hours, has a fine piquant flavor that can't be beat.)
Another thing I've noticed that Meg does a lot instead of working is talk on the phone. If she talked on the phone less, she might have more time to write the book I know she COULD write if she tried: Princess Diaries from Fat Louie's point of view.
Which, as anyone can see, would be a VASTLY more interesting opus than anything ELSE she might try to write. What is FAT LOUIE thinking about all of the hoopla around his owner, Mia? What does FAT LOUIE think about Michael? Why hasn't FAT LOUIE gotten to go to Genovia? He does in the movie.
And speaking of the movie, why didn't I get to audition for the part of Fat Louie? Because my owner was too SELFISH to fly me out to Hollywood. That's why. I could be a STAR. But nooooo, my talent remains untapped and unappreciated.
The worst part is, lately, Meg's been listening to Ashlee Simpson. A LOT. This is REALLY bad, because she SINGS along with it. While I am a fine, fine singer, the same cannot be said for my owner, even if she WAS in a showchoir once twenty years ago.
When Meg starts singing along to “Pieces of Me,” of course I have no choice but to bite her. Anyone would.
Believe me, I could go on and on. I would, too, if my paws weren't getting tired from typing. It is very hard to work the space bar when you don't have thumbs.
Besides, I've been up for a whole hour typing this. I need another seven or eight hour nap just to recuperate.
Oh, and if you want to buy a copy of “Girls' Night In” featuring super fun short stories by authors like Sophie Kinsella (Shopaholic series) and Jennifer Weiner (Good in Bed), not to mention an email story by Meg set at the New York Journal (from her “Boy” series), you'll find copies in stores in September, or you can pre-order copies at www.amazon.com. Proceeds from sales of the book go to programs to help children in war torn countries like Afghanistan and Rwanda.
Which is all well and good, but what about the cats, I ask you? WHO IS STARTING PROGRAMS TO HELP THE CATS????
PS Garry Marshall, if you ever get around to making a Princess Diaries 3, I think you'll agree the character of Fat Louie could really be fleshed out a bit more…maybe he could single-handedly defend the palace against a coup attempt? Call me! We'll do lunch.