Traumatized By Regis
So I was watching Regis and Kelly the other day because Julie Andrews was going to be on it. Also because it was right before Hurricane Charley and we were checking the weather.
I had watched Anne Hathaway on Regis and Kelly the day before when we'd been checking the weather (the rule in our house is, no TV before 4PM. Because I am so easily sucked into TV watching, I can never bring myself to turn it off to work. So I'm not allowed to turn it on until I'm done with work, or when Judging Amy comes on at 4. Unless there is a hurricane).
Anyway, seeing Anne Hathaway on Regis kind of freaked me out, because Anne said the word “hubris” and the guy who was subbing for Regis went insane and kept saying it over and over again.
Which is enough to freak anyone out.
But I was determined not to let this bother me, and watch Regis the next day anyway, mostly because on Saturday night I had watched a rerun of Kelly Rippa on Saturday Night Live, and on it there was a skit where Kelly played Angelina Jolie going onto her own show—Regis and Kelly. Another actress played Kelly.
And it was really funny, you know, because SNL was making fun of Kelly and Regis, but Kelly clearly thought it was hilarious. So I thought, “I'll watch her show this one time even though I should be writing.”
And I've met Kelly, as you know, and she is actually just like she is on the show, really fun. Except in real life she cusses quite a bit (ALLEGEDLY), a trait I personally admire as I am a bit of a cusser myself.
[TRUE CONFESSION: The truth is, I cuss so much that sometimes when I'm on book tour I have to warn my media escorts in the various towns I go to that I am going to cuss in their car the whole way to the bookstore because I know it's impolite to cuss in front of readers, and I need to get all my cussing out of my system before I start the signing. I blame my dad because he was a HUGE cusser, but he would never allow his kids to cuss. Which I can understand, because there is nothing more repulsive than a cussing child.
But I still we should at least have been allowed to cuss in the privacy of our own home, the way my dad did. Because now as a consequence of not being allowed to cuss as a child, I can't stop cussing as an adult. I think Sharon Osborne has the right idea about letting her kids cuss at home, since clearly they will grow tired of it someday and stop, whereas I am not sure I ever will.
But frankly I think I should be allowed to cuss because I don't smoke at all and I can't drink alcohol anymore thanks to my lyme disease and I can't stand coffee, and a writer has to have SOME kind of vice. So mine is cussing.]
Anyway, on the show with Julie Andrews, before she came out, Regis was talking about how HE had seen the SNL rerun, too, and then he made fun of Gelman for a while, since on the SNL skit, Gelman was depicted as this huge weirdo in a pink cape (no comment. But I've heard the rumors. ALLEGEDLY).
So I was feeling kind of good about Regis and Kelly, since they were yukking it up quite a bit, and I practically forgot the hubris thing and how I'm not supposed to watch TV before 4PM. By the time Julie Andrews came out, I had no reason to believe I was going to see anything other than a nice interview with one of the grand dames of film and stage.
I was SO VERY WRONG. Instead, I was brutally TRAUMATIZED by Regis in a manner from which I may never recover.
Because at one point during the interview, Regis reached out, as if compelled by some unseen force, and RAN HIS HAND THROUGH JULIE ANDREWS' HAIR.
She, of course, looked startled (who wouldn't?) and seemed even MORE startled when Regis interrupted her to ask, “You have such nice hair—is it real?”
OK. WHY WOULD HE DO THIS??? WHY????
Was he trying to be funny? HOW IS THAT FUNNY???? It's RUDE, is what it is.
And actually, I don't think he was trying to be funny. I think he was carried away by the sight of her shiny hair under the lights, and had to come up with some excuse for touching her like that, and said the first thing that came to mind.
Which was probably the rudest thing you could ever say to a woman.
To her credit, Julie said something like, “I do believe so,” and laughed it off.
But what else was she supposed to do? Smack him? I bet she wanted to. You know, Julie is something of a cusser herself (ALLEGEDLY). I bet she wanted to cuss at him.
Or maybe not. Maybe she genuinely didn't mind.
Me? I would have minded. I STILL mind. And I wasn't even there.
The thing is, I'm pretty sure Regis wasn't trying to say that Julie's hair isn't real, or that it even looks fake. It doesn't. It looks like Maria Von Trapp's hair, just like always.
But just what WAS Regis trying to do? Why did he ASK her that? Why did he touch her hair????
Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I really thought this was going too far. I mean, she is JULIE ANDREWS. You don't just reach out and run your fingers through her hair. Especially when she probably had it specially done for the TV show. And Regis just messed it all up (well, not really. But he COULD have).
So then I started wondering if Regis ever watches the tapes of himself after the show and asks himself, “WHY DID I DO THAT???”
Basically, I want to know if Regis gets the ice weasels. Because he SHOULD. Over the Touching Julie Andrews' Hair Incident, anyway.
I hope he apologized to her. In writing.
I also hope that other guy apologizes to Anne about the hubris incident.
Personally, I am never turning my TV on before 4PM ever again. Unless there is another hurricane.