PRINCESS IN PINK TOUR: Day 8-9
I'm writing this from the floor of the San Jose International airport because the only seat that is anywhere near an electrical outlet is currently being occupied by a lady who is not even USING the plug, she's actually writing, BY HAND, in her journal.
But what am I going to do, go up to her and be all, “Could you please move so I can have your plug?”
Plus she's wearing a hat and I read once that lawyers never pick potential jurors who are wearing a hat because females of a certain age who wear hats inside are very stuck in their ways. Possibly this explains the Tyco mistrial.
And I need a plug because I have a flight to Seattle and my battery only lasts 3 hours and I don't want it to run out mid-flight, because then I might have to talk to the person next to me, and with my luck, it will be the journaling lady in the hat. On my last flight, I had to sit by a guy who asked what I did for a living, and, thinking he'd never have heard of The Princess Diaries, I told him.
BIG MISTAKE. He talked for TWO HOURS about how much he appreciated the fact that I write such fine Christian fare (obviously, he'd only seen the movie, not read the books). TWO HOURS of: “There aren't enough positive family values portrayed in the media today. You know what movie I really liked? The Apple Dumpling Gang. You just can't get that kind of clean family comedy anymore. Don Knotts was a comic genius, and he did it without ever uttering a naughty word. Did you ever see The Incredible Mr. Limpet? Now THAT was a movie.”
You can see why after this flight I wanted to go and stab myself in the eye a whole bunch of times with some of those tiny sandwich toothpicks.
Anyway, this is the part in the book tour where I start getting kind of crabby, in case you can't tell. Not to readers, but to like people in the airport. I swear, if anyone is chewing gum on my flight and I hear them, I'm going to go mental. Of course, I do have my iPod, but then there's that part of the flight where they're all, “Put away any portable electronics” and I have to sit there and listen to the gum-chewers. That sound, to me, is like fingernails on a blackboard.
Although it's kind of amusing in the new Outkast video…Caroline chomping on her gum in “Roses,” I mean.
So, if you care, here's what I did on Sunday, my day off: Nothing. Oh, wait, that's not true, I went to visit my friend Mellie and her four-day old twin girls. I seriously don't know how anyone could remain sane while have TWO newborns in the house, but Mellie seems to be managing it. I mean, these kids are LITTLE. They're about as big as Henrietta was when she was a kitten. They could EASILY slip underneath the stove, the way I was so worried Henrietta might. Fortunately they can't really move all that much—in fact, they have to keep them “swaddled” or they end up punching themselves or each other because they have no control over their limbs at four days old.
But seriously, do NOT have a baby unless you are totally prepared to give up your entire pre-baby life, such as television, movies, or eating out. Because you won't be able to leave the house again—not for at least 5 or 6 years–for fear of that kid slipping down the drain or whatever. SCARY!
Then yesterday, I went to Hicklebees in San Jose for a fun signing, and then to a Barnes and Noble in Dublin (NOT Ireland), where a reader brought me some lovely gifts (Thanks SO MUCH, Jennifer!!!)
I also got to eat in a Black Angus, which I've never done before, and I have to say, probably won't ever do again. Maybe I was just there on an off night.
Anyway, now I'm leaving for Seattle. Well, when the plane boards, I will be, anyway.
Fortunately I have Something Corporate to listen to in the airport lounge. This CD ROCKS!!! THANK YOU, CINDY, who gave it to me!!!! I totally love the song about Jordan. Who HASN'T had a Jordan in their life?
OK, now my back is killing me from leaning against this wall. JOURNAL LADY! GO JOURNAL SOMEWHERE ELSE! And take off that hat, you're INSIDE!
Fortunately at the end of this week I get some time off before the next leg of my tour (Chicago and Canada). That will be a bit of a relief. I can see what I missed on Joan of Arcadia (everyone keeps telling me it's so good) and The OC (ditto). Also, the Sopranos. I can't WAIT!!!!
Although I really appreciate everyone coming to my signings and missing these shows themselves. It's like reader/author solidarity. That's so cool.
Oh, my flight's boarding. See you in Seattle!
So I'm in Seattle now. I didn't end up sitting by the hat lady. Instead I sat by a really nice quiet non-gum-chewing lady.
But across the aisle from me was this man who kept yawning REALLY LOUD and BURPING!!!! He didn't even say excuse me!!!! At one point he stood in the aisle reading my book over my shoulder and burped in my EAR!!! And then he kept leaning over his wife and making out with her! And she wouldn't shut up about her eye surgery! She kept talking about it to everyone who would listen! Fortunately, I had my iPod so I only had to listen during take off and landing. But still.
So then when the plane landed, the nice lady next to me needed to get out, so I got up to let her out, but Burping Man's wife was just standing in the aisle, not moving, so I said, “Excuse me, ma'am, I need to get out,” several times, but she just stood there.
So then, I did something kind of bad. I really do feel terrible about it. I sort of just shoved past her.
I swear I didn't step on her or push her into a wall or anything. I could have sworn there was plenty of room to get by her. But she started yelling, “OW! WATCH IT! OW!”
So I went, “Oh, gosh, ma'am, I am so sorry.”
She seemed to recover awfully fast for someone who was supposedly in so much pain. Even though I barely touched her.
Oh well. Talk to you later.