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Sometimes, Bad Can Be Good

This past week He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog has been passing a bunch of kidney stones.

He already has a broken ankle.

So, living with him has been a little bit like living with one of those monkeys at the zoo. You know, the ones who look all cute and cuddly at first? But then when you get up close to the cage to take their picture…

…they throw their own poop at you.

That’s why updates to this blog have been a bit sporadic lately.

But it hasn’t been all bad:

Because at night after I’ve tucked him safely into bed, I’ve been watching some majorly bad TV movies. Like, so bad, they’re almost kind of good.

You think you have problems? Like your life is spinning out of control?

You obviously haven’t seen Kirstie Alley’s made-for-TV movie Family Sins.

This may just be the best bad movie ever made. I seriously can’t believe Kirstie Alley didn’t get an Emmy for this. She was totally robbed.

I have to admit I tuned in late, so the police were already banging on Kirstie’s door (Big Kirstie Alley, not Skinny Kirstie Alley. So I knew right away it was going to be good).

Kirstie was going, “Why are you here? I haven’t done anything!”

And I for one totally believed her, because, whatever, dude: It was Big Kirstie Alley! Just look at her! She looks so nice and squeaky clean!

But then the cops used bolt cutters to break a lock on a door in her basement.

And WTF!

Inside, sitting in the dark, was greasy-haired Chloe, aka Dr. Susan Lewis’s crackhead sister from ER!

I was so surprised! I was like, Big Kirstie Alley…how could you?

Then I found out the tag line for ‘Family Sins’ is The world saw them as the perfect family. The law found some perfect criminals.

Well, I guess so!

It turns out Kirstie Alley, who presented herself to the outside world as a responsible suburban mom and business woman (she was a landlady), was keeping Crackhead Chloe as a human slave!

Kirstie would make Crackhead Chloe fold all the towels, and then would only feed her every three days or so!

And that’s not all:

Kirstie also took away Crackhead Chloe’s daughter (this is all revealed right from the beginning in a flashback) and Crackhead Chloe’s daughter was the one who finally escaped (with her own kid) and called the cops (but not the cops in town, because they were all Kirstie’s friends)!

There were also some crazy rapey things going on with Kirstie’s sons and husband (so it was totally unclear to me who the father of Crackhead Chloe’s daughter was. But the words “Secret Santa” in Big Kirstie’s house must have taken on a whole new meaning)!

Also, Kirstie adopted dozens of foster children and turned them into an army of little shoplifters! She also recruited them to break into the homes she rented out and steal stuff from her own tenants that she would then sell at yard sales at her own house!

And then she’d burn her own rental properties down for the insurance money!

Kirstie was like a modern day Fagin from Oliver Twist…only in Juicy Couture sweat pants! Size 16!

Here’s a clip to show you how completely awesome Kirstie Alley is in this film:

Obviously this is the best Bad Movie ever made….

…especially since it’s based on a true story.

Oh, shut up. You knew that was coming. Yes. It’s a true story. On crystal meth. And I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

In fact, you can’t go onto a message board (IMDB, Lifetime, what have you) without finding posts there written by actual members of the actual family portrayed in this movie, saying it was way worse in real life than the movie shows!

I was kind of torn over which was my favorite part. It might have been when Crackhead Chloe said, “Say hi to Kenny!” (her rapist, against whom her daughter was about to testify in court).

Seriously. THE BEST.

But probably the best (by which of course I mean the worst) part of the whole movie is when Kirstie Alley is awaiting trial in jail, and she just watches as her own daughter gets the snot beat out of her by a bunch of other lady prisoners.

The daughter is screaming (cue Southern accent): “Mama! Mama, help! Help, Mama, help!”

And Kirstie doesn’t do anything. She just smiles off into the distance, and gnaws on a chicken leg.

Okay, it’s possible I’m only imagining the part about the chicken. But that would have been so awesome.

But the smile is still great, even without the chicken bone.

See Family Sins as soon as you can. It will cure whatever ails you.

More later.

Much love,

Meg

PS All monkey and chicken products pictured on this post can be purchased at my favorite site to visit whenever I’m feeling blue, Archie McPhee.

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One Minute Movie Reviews

What did you do during this past holiday weekend? Go to the movies?

Me, too!

I haven’t seen Avatar yet because there aren’t any 3-D screens in my area, and all my friends who’ve seen it say you have to see Avatar in 3-D (on an Imax screen).

But I DID see the following:

One Minute Movie Reviews

Up In The Air

I loved this movie so much! I wouldn’t exactly call it a romantic comedy…and okay, there was a twist I totally didn’t see coming.

But Up In The Air definitely didn’t leave me feeling down in the dumps.

Up In The Air =

It’s Complicated

John Krasinski is so funny in this, and of course Meryl Streep’s house is to die for.

But I am apparently the only woman in America who was a little bit bothered by the scene where Meryl’s character casually changes the bottle on her kitchen water cooler as she’s chatting away with one of her romantic interests.

Hello! Those water bottles are really, really heavy (I know, I have a water cooler in my house, and I also used to have to change the one in the office where I used to work all the time).

I’m not saying Meryl should have been Liz Lemon-esque incompetent at changing the bottle on her water cooler. We women can do anything men can do (usually better).

But the guy she’s with didn’t even offer to help her!

I’ve been told by everyone else who has seen this film that I Need To Let The Water Bottle Go.

BUT I CANNOT. I still can’t believe he didn’t even offer.

It’s Complicated =
(really, this is two and a half until someone explains what was up with the water bottle)

(500) Days of Summer:

I know everyone already saw this movie last summer. But I was afraid to see it because (AND THIS IS NOT A SPOILER) I heard the couple in it break up.

But guess what? That wasn’t a spoiler because they’re ALREADY broken up from the minute the movie starts!

So don’t worry! I’m sorry I was prejudiced against this movie. I loved it! There was even a DANCE NUMBER!

So delicious.

500 Days of Summer =

Julie and Julia

This movie was SO GOOD. I actually read the book the movie is based on and loved it, too.

Amy Adams plays Julie Powell, who wants to make something of her life by cooking every recipe in Julia Childs’ Mastering the Art of French Cooking cookbook, then blogging about it.

Meanwhile, Meryl Streep plays Julia Child, the only woman (and American) enrolled in the all-male Cordon Bleu cooking school in post-war France, who then goes on to write Mastering the Art of French Cooking.

The only problem is, I heard Julie Powell has written a true-life pseudo sequel, in which she and her husband cheat on each other.

Amy Adams had this to say about it: Not MY Julie Powell!

Not mine either.

Julie and Julia =

Bruno

This is the dirtiest movie ever! Do NOT watch it with your mom! Or anyone who might be offended by large close-ups of singing, dancing male genitalia!

I was shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you. And I loved every minute of it.

Bruno =

The Hurt Locker

This movie got SUPER SCARY in the first five minutes. I was so scared, I had to turn it off.

But then my friend Beth said, “No, it will be all right, just watch,” so I did. And I’m glad I did because it was SO GOOD.

Plus, it has a woman director.

Some actual bomb squad veterans are saying it isn’t an “accurate” depiction of bomb defusing in Iraq, which I’m sure it’s not!

But obviously the screenwriter, who rode along with a bomb unit in Iraq for a time, had to make the story more dramatic for cinematic purposes, since it’s fiction, not a documentary.

To be completely honest, Romancing the Stone is not an accurate depiction of what it’s like to be a romance writer. But it’s still an OK movie.

Although nowhere near as good as The Hurt Locker, of course.

The Hurt Locker =

Well, I have to go now, because I just got District 9 and JCVD in the mail (what? You’ve never heard of JCVD? You will soon).

One Minute Movie Reviews on them coming soon!

More later.

Much love,

Meg

Watch It

Fa La La La Lifetime

So I turned in Insatiable and have been incapable of doing anything since but watch TV.

I know I have a husband with a broken ankle who needs me.

I know Christmas is coming and there’s holiday decorating (and shopping) to do.

I know I have other deadlines.

But people: It’s Fa La La La Lifetime on the Lifetime Movie Channel.

Who runs Lifetime, anyway? It has to be the devil.

Because every time I turn around, there’s another fantastic Christmas tragedy (averted at the last minute by the holiday spirit…or a snow plow) to keep me from doing all the things I need to get done!

Like this:

Jim and Suzanne struggle to stay alive when they’re lost on a mountain after a blizzard in the Lifetime Original Movie, Lost Holiday: The Jim and Suzanne Shemwell Story.

Oh, yeah, baby. That is my kind of Christmas movie.

Or like Holiday in Your Heart, written by and starring Leann Rimes:

Bernadette Peters plays a diabetic country music singer who’s trapped in a blizzard in a bus accident next to a blind old man who shares his insulin with her….

…until the morning, when she realizes he’s (SPOILER ALERT):

Stone cold dead.

And also, he’s her LONG LOST FATHER.

It could happen.

Or The Christmas Hope, in which Madeleine Stowe plays a social worker whose grief over the death of her teenage son is causing her marriage to airline pilot, James Remar, to fall apart.

So when she takes in a little girl whose mom has been run over, we pretty much assume the adorable kid is going to bring them back together.

(They always do.)

But then Ian Ziering (YES! Of 90210) AND a mysterious video BOTH show up with very special Christmas messages…

…from the dead!

(This actually didn’t turn out to be as dishy as I was hoping. No EMTs had to be called, although there was a drunk uncle who threatened to want custody of the kid, so that was exciting for about five minutes.)

But wait! It’s not all survival and sob stories. Some of our Fa La La La Lifetime heroines are getting:

Sigh. I wish I could get one of those for Christmas…

…just to do all my errands, of course! So I can keep on watching all these incredibly dishy movies.

A Christmas curse on you, Fa La La La Lifetime!

Goodbye for now. I have to go watch more Christmas survival stories.

More later.

Much love,

Meg

Watch It

Sandra Bullock Divorce Custody Battle!

NEW MOON!!! AHHHH!!!!

Ha, no, I didn’t go to New Moon last night at 12:01. I was doing what I’m always doing lately at 12:01AM: waiting for my Ambien to kick in and going, “Why don’t they have Say Yes To The Dress on On Demand?”

If you’re doing NaNoWriMo right now, you were probably doing the same thing at 12:01AM last night (unless you were actually working on your book. But I’m more of a 9-5er. Well, 10-6er, let’s be honest).

November is a cruel month to writers! We have so many deadlines, and no time to go to the movies…

…but there are so many awesome movies coming out!

I can’t see New Moon because I still haven’t seen Twilight (I know, I know…but unless it has giant explosions in it or it’s playing at Judy Blume’s husband’s independent theater, I wait to see everything on HBO or Starz. Because why else am I paying so much for these channels?)

But if the book fairies came and finished all my manuscripts overnight and I COULD go to the movies right now, I would be sure to see this new George Clooney romantic comedy about a man who goes around the country firing people, and then falls in love:

(Although if I find out he doesn’t get the girl at the end, I am totally not seeing this.)

And I would also go see the Fantastic Mr. Fox, starring George Clooney (is he in everything? Not that that’s a bad thing) and Meryl Streep as adorable little foxes (and Bill Murray as a badger).

(I have it on fairly good authority that this movie has a happy ending.)

And even though it looks hopelessly corny and no one I know would ever go see it with me in a million years, I would love to see the cheesefest that is The Blind Side starring Sandra Bullock.

(I KNOW this one ends happily, people, because it’s a true story: You can read about Michael Oher and the Tuohys, the couple who adopted him, here on Wikipedia!)

Plus, let’s face it, who doesn’t love Sandra Bullock? Even Janine Lindemulder, the adult-film star ex-wife of Sandra’s custom chopper-making husband, Jesse James (against whom Jesse is currently embroiled in a custody battle over their little daughter, Sunny) admits she just wants want to sit down and talk with Sandra.

Me too! Sandra, who does your hair?

Janine was recently released from jail for tax evasion, even though according to her website (what? Of course I read it!), Janine says JESSE is the one who ratted her out to the IRS after he left her for Sandra (while Janine was seven months pregnant with Sunny).

FYI, Janine’s current husband is a convicted felon with weapons, alcohol, and drug manufacturing charges…see photos of him here!

Here are some tips for Jesse, Janine, and Sandra during this hard time (from which I think we could all benefit):

1) Think twice about getting a tattoo on your face: It won’t wash off the way that poorly chosen eyeshadow from Walgreens did.

2) Don’t do a drug that is manufactured anywhere but in a lab that has ticker information on the New York Stock Exchange.

3) If you were in a high-grossing romantic comedy which co-starred Ryan Reynolds, and the mother of your husband’s child was in an adult film which co-starred Erik Estrada, you may just want to stay out of the ensuing custody battle altogether.

Advice we can all live by!

You know what? They should totally make a movie about this custody battle! I’d go see it.

Although personally, I’d wait until it came out on HBO. Unless they put some explosions or some fox puppets in it…which given the above details, might actually happen in real life.

You know I’ll keep you posted!

More later.

Much love,

Meg

Watch It

2012–Best Movie of All Time?

I went to see 2012 over the weekend.

As a disaster movie junkie—seriously, I LOVE a movie in which human beings are (pretend) killed by any sort of natural disaster, be it:

–Asteroids hurtling down from space.

–F5 tornadoes coming at them from the plains.

–Gigantic tsunamis barreling down upon them from the sea.

I have seen every disaster movie ever made, including the really bad made-for-TV ones.

I just love them so much!

So I just couldn’t wait for 2012, in which every natural disaster you could ever imagine took place.

(Actually not so: they appeared to have left out locusts, plagues, and I didn’t actually SEE any mudslides up close, although people did slide around quite a bit.)

Was I disappointed?

No! That’s because 2012 strictly obeyed all the Rules of Disaster Movies.

If you’ve watched as many disaster movies as I have, you know there are certain rules from which disaster movies cannot—or at least SHOULD not—ever stray.

Not if the producers want their movie to be any good!

I think we can safely establish—judging from audience response—that 2012 stayed safely within those rules.

But is 2012 the Best Movie of All Time? Is it even the greatest disaster movie of all time?

Let’s look at the facts:

2012 made over $225 million this past weekend (world wide).

But really, does how much money a film has made mean anything?

See: Transformers, in which talking robots, Shia LeBeof, and Megan Fox save the earth.

So…no.

2012 did, however, obey Disaster Movie Rule #1:

All disaster movies must have great stars for the stuff to blow up around.

2012 stars John Cusack, who gave us Lloyd Dobler, arguably the greatest romantic hero ever created!

It also stars Amanda Peet, who gave us the funniest imitation of Rosie Perez I’ve ever seen one night on David Letterman (allegedly, it is here, but I can’t download it. Better luck to you).

2012 also obeyed Disaster Movie Rule #2:

Have a black president (in 2012, admirably played by Morgan Freeman).

Having a black president in a disaster movie is a must.

I’m not sure which disaster movie started this trend, but if anything is coming hurtling toward Earth, and only Bruce Willis and maybe Ben Affleck can save us (see: Armageddon), such as a giant asteroid, aliens, or solar flares, we MUST have a black president to tell us to be calm.

(That is why some people were very worried about Barack Obama winning the election, and are scanning the skies warily. YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE.)

2012 goes one better by adding a smart, fiesty, pretty daughter for the president, played by Thandie Newton, a perfect match for the smart, handsome scientist (played by Chiwetal Ejiofor), who is the one who helps alert the President about the impending planetary doom in the first place.

Yay! Way to make a new rule, 2012! More smart, fiesty president’s daughters, please!

(Who speak French and work for the Louvre. You think I didn’t notice that nod to Da Vinci Code, 2012? Me likee! What more are you going to throw in there, 2012? Some vampires? Go ahead! I’m with you.)

Disaster Movie Rule #3:

Anyone remotely morally suspect must die.

Disaster movie junkies, you know what I’m talking about:

Anyone who has worked as a stripper and believes the aliens are going to be nice to us (see: Independence Day) but who isn’t a single mom must die (I know this isn’t fair and is also vaguely misogynistic).

Anyone who has stolen Bill Paxton’s design for a machine that predicts where tornadoes are going to show up (see: Twister) must die by being impaled (and so will anyone who is with him at the time. So stay away from people like him during a storm).

Anyone who wears a low cut dress and sings on a cruise ship (see: Poseidon Adventure) must die (I know this isn’t fair either and is also vaguely misogynistic).

I won’t spoil it for you by telling you how 2012 worked this one in, but they did.

I actually don’t always like this rule, and was hoping it would not be used in 2012. But use it they did. I’ll admit, I was a tiny bit bummed.

But it WAS the end of the earth, after all. Naturally, a lot of people are going to die.

Disaster Movie Rule #4:

This one is a bit of a spoiler, but I know how you people worry, so I’m just going to tell you:

ALL DOGS WILL BE SAFE WHEN THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH.

No dogs die in 2012.

Now, just to reassure you, the producers/writers of 2012 worked very hard NOT to give us the things we hate in disaster movies.

For instance:

No grandmas are killed in a lake of acid in 2012.

See: Dante’s Peak, a movie I now watch solely to see the scene where Grandma dies in the lake of acid. In fact, whenever this movie is on, I call down to my husband, “Honey! Grandma is dying in the lake of acid again!”

Then we watch it and laugh about how much the screenwriter who wrote this movie must have hated his or her mother-in-law.

Seriously! What a way to kill someone off!

Also, there are no incredibly fake CGI wolves in 2012.

See: Day After Tomorrow, a great disaster movie, except for the incredibly fake CGI wolves. There was no need for that wolf story line, which just made me sad for the wolves, and actually violated Disaster Movie Rule #4, if you think about it: Wolves are dogs.

And finally:

No children named Timmy are imperiled at any time, causing Tommy Lee Jones to have to dash into a building that is about to explode in order to save them.

See: Volcano, also starring Linda Hamilton. I HATE the Timmy scene in that movie, also any scene in which Tommy Lee Jones’ teen daughter whines about wanting “to go home, Daddy” when there is clearly a VOLCANO erupting in downtown Los Angeles.

Just SHUT UP already! Can’t you see there is a DISASTER going on? Geesh! I wish Tommy Lee Jones had punched her in the face. No offense to the actress who had to say those lines.

So there you have it, disaster movie fans! 2012 is a fun, rollercoaster of a disaster movie.

(Even He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog liked it, and he hates disaster movies because he was IN a disaster—9/11. But as I point out to him, that wasn’t a natural disaster. And what’s happening on the screen in 2012 is just silly and pretend.)

I’m waffling on the number of tiaras 2012 should get. The first 3/4 was great.

(A reader has now written in to point out that at no point in this film did any female characters make any important decision or save anyone–although that’s not really true, since Amanda Peet kind of saved EVERYONE by appealing to the Grandma to help them in China. But all of the female characters were, in fact, left OUT of all the important decisions, and forced to Comfort The Children. This is a good point, and I have deleted a tiara from my original post for it.)

PLUS someone goes on a weird power trip, someone else gives a boring speech, AND two people I liked were killed for morally ambiguous reasons, which I can’t reveal here since they are spoilers.

PLUS everyone is saved by a writer, which made me think: JOHN CUSACK’S CHARACTER IS A GARY STU!

So 2012 wasn’t perfect. It DEFINITELY doesn’t get 4 or even 3 stars.

But I still had a good time. So…

2012 is rip rollicking good fun, DEFINITELY hilarious (especially the last line, which follows Disaster Movie Rule #5: Have a kid say something cute, and an adult look pained), worth $10, and MUST be seen on the big screen.

You won’t regret going one bit (just don’t take it too seriously)!

More later.

Much love,

Meg

Watch It

The Watchmen

I finally saw the movie of The Watchmen!

I’d tried to read the graphic novel, but somehow I could never finish it. I have no idea why. The book has everything…sex, naked people, romance, sex, mystery, pirates (there were no pirates in the movie)!

I think I got bogged down with the pirates.

So I was excited to watch the movie and see how it all turned out…also to see if the big naked blue guy ever put on any pants.

He did, but only briefly. He found them binding, I guess. I know the feeling, especially after all that leftover Halloween candy.

Like the book, the movie is a little intense. It takes place in this wacky alt universe where Richard Nixon is still our president and we won Vietnam (because of the huge naked blue guy. Although his nakedness wasn’t at all sexy like in Beowulf. Maybe because he was blue).

The most annoying thing I found about this alternative reality was that people still play Simon and Garfunkel a lot.

I could take the Nixon stuff and the big blue naked man. But Simon and Garfunkel? Really?

Now, I did have a Paul Simon-related trauma, so maybe I’m prejudiced…in 1991, when Paul played for free in Central Park in front of 600,000 people, my friend had a panic attack on the Great Lawn, because there were so…many…people. And I couldn’t get her out of there. We were jammed in like sardines.

Eventually she just lay down in the dirt in a fetal position and cried softly while Paul sang “Diamonds on the Souls of her Shoes” until eventually the crackheads stopped yelling at us for money, and we could finally crawl through all the garbage back to the subway.

But seriously. It was a nightmare.

So I will admit I’m biased, and that whenever I hear a Paul Simon song now, I raise my fists to the air and shake them and scream, “WHY, PAUL SIMON??? WHY?????”

Paul Simon’s ex-wife, who now has her own book and one-woman show, Wishful Drinking.

So, yes, I found the music in The Watchmen…annoying.

But even more annoying, seriously, what was this?

No way would a woman go out fighting crime with her hair down! I’m a fan of The Police Women of Broward County, and this just isn’t happening! I could totally hear my mother screaming, “Pull your hair back, honey! It’s in your eyes!”

Plus, who could run in those heels? I’ll admit, it looks hot.

But her thighs are totally unprotected between her latex leotard and her boots. No.

But still, with those exceptions, I enjoyed The Watchmen, and give it two tiaras.

What I find most shocking about all of this is that Paul Simon didn’t write this Princess Leia tribute song:

Sadly, it’s not in The Watchmen. But if it had been, it would have been a whole lot better, if you ask me:

More later.

Much love,

Meg

Watch It

Nights in Rodanthe vs. Rambo 4

Warning: SPOILERS

So we’ve been trying to relax by catching up on the recordings on our DVRs.

He Who Shall Not Be Named On This Blog doesn’t want me to tell you this, but in addition to long documentaries about Icelandic rock groups (no, really…sometimes they play music with rocks), HWSNBNITB loves to record romantic movies.

But He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog has another secret, besides his love for Sigur Ros and anything starring Hugh Grant:

He loves Nicholas Sparks movies.

Now, I have tried to explain to He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog that in almost every single Nicholas Spark movie, someone dies tragically at the end, which is not what I call a romance, and that this is because Nicholas Sparks’s mother died in a horseback riding accident two months after N.S.’s wedding.

Then his first baby died. Then his second son had physical problems. Then his dad died in a car accident. And then his sister died of a brain tumor.

But N.S. was able to channel all of that loss into becoming a huge bestselling author, then build a school, and he’s ALSO the track coach at the local public high school.

No. For real. I am not kidding you. In addition to writing a huge blockbuster every year or so, he is also the track coach at the local public school. It was in The New York Times. Do you work your full time job then also go build a school, then go coach the track team?

No? What’s wrong with you?

(PS–I’m kidding, I don’t do any of these things either.)

So can you really blame me for not wanting to watch Nights in Rodanthe, which was on the same night as Quarantine*???

Especially since I had already gone to Moviespoilers.com and checked to see how it ended.

Which I told HWSNBNITB.

“So?” he said. “We’re still watching it. And you’re going to love it.”

I so was not going to love this movie (if you do not want to know what happens at the end of this movie, STOP READING HERE. Because it is one of Nicholas Sparks’s best—by which I mean worst—endings ever).

“Seriously,” I said to him. “Do you know that Richard Gere gets—”

“DO NOT TELL ME,” he said.

“—completely killed by—”

“I will hold you tenderly in my arms while you cry,” HWSNBITB said.

On MY DVR (yes. We have His and Her DVRs. That is how we’ve stayed married 16 years), I’d recorded the new Rambo, and HWSNBITB had not held me tenderly in his arms as Rambo blew everyone (very satisfyingly) to bits, but had in fact fallen asleep as we’d watched it.

John Rambo is tamed by this missionary, much like the Incredible Hulk was tamed by Liv Tyler.

“Fine,” I said, very grudgingly because these are the kinds of sacrifices you make in a marriage.

And so I was forced to watch Nights in Rodanthe, in which poor Richard Gere, plays a doctor who accidentally kills someone (but feels guilty about it. He should try building a school, then coaching track).

And Diane Lane plays a woman whose husband has left her. We are supposed to think it’s because he’s an ass, but really it’s because she’s lost her self-esteem, cut her hair into an unflattering style (which I couldn’t help noticing looks a lot line mine. Thanks, Nicholas Sparks!) and stopped making boxes out of drift wood.

One of the driftwood boxes Diane Lane made, which were actually made by this guy in real life.

At one point Richard Gere and Diane Lane drunkenly throw the contents of a woman’s pantry into a garbage can. Obviously, there was nothing to do after that but make wild passionate love.

Then Richard Gere is killed in a South American mudslide.

The end.

“See,” I said to He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog. “I told you so.”

“But Diane Lane learned a valuable lesson,” HWSNBNITB said.

“About what?” I asked.

“To make boxes out of drift wood and not to wear her hair so short.”

Nights in Rodanthe

One Tiara

Rambo 4

Three Well Deserved Tiaras!!!

More later.

Much love,

Meg

*PS Later, I watched Quarantine, and it has an even worse ending than Nights in Rodanthe. Just FYI.

Read It

Some Things I’ve Been Reading* And Watching

Since getting home from Brazil I’ve been really tired, as you can probably imagine. Who wouldn’t be after all those crazy but fun signings; the party bus; the monkeys…

…then coming home to get a flu shot that has caused my arm to inflate like a piñata; all the work I have to catch up on; unpacking and reading all your wonderful cards and letters…

And now repacking because I have to leave on Sunday for a Totally Important Business Trip in Alabama.

Plus my cat, who won’t shut up.

But here are some things I’ve been reading* and some things I’ve been watching. You know, in between gigantic loads of laundry:

How could I miss Kathy Griffin’s new book, Official Book Club Selection (even though I know all these people who are scandalized because she got a $2 million dollar advance for it)?

Kathy’s problems are way bigger than mine—her husband tried to gamble away her money, and her brother was a pedophile. That makes me feel better about myself. Here is my $32.00, Kathy.

Next, I’m going to read this:

David Cross doesn’t make me feel better about my problems the way Kathy Griffin does, but he is dating Amber Tamblyn, which is dishy because he’s like twice her age.

Plus, he’s the guy who played the Never Nude in Arrested Development, and also various characters on Mr. Show, including Ronnie from the musical version of Cops, Fuzz.

So, for those reasons alone, I will read anything he ever writes.

Oh, I also bought this book:

Because the trailer for it cracks me up (but DO NOT CLICK ON IT, because the song will be stuck in your head all day).

You clicked on it, didn’t you? I warned you.

Oh, I also bought a book by Mindy Kaling (you know, Kelly from The Office). She co-wrote a play called Matt and Ben, about Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, and how they wrote Good Will Hunting. Then she starred in it. I wish I had seen it.

AWESOME.

Anyway, there are a bunch more books I’m going to read if any of my three planes to or from Alabama break down, especially Dan Brown’s new book, The Lost Symbol, so I’ll know what everyone is talking about. I hate being out of the loop.

I’m especially sad about the latter because Jeff Bezos, the head of Amazon, took down his letter about how closely Amazon was guarding their copies of The Lost Symbol….

…which sucks as I was inspired to work on improving the letter for him. Even though it’s too late now, since the book is already out, I want to share it with you.

Mr. Bezos–also, Mr. D. Brown–you don’t have to thank me! I did this completely for free and out of love for Mr. Brown’s priceless work–due in stores September 15, completely coincidentally the same day as a certain other book known as Allie Finkle’s Rules for Girl’s #4 Stage Fright was due in stores!

So when you’re in there buying the adventures of the dashing Professor Robert Langdon, you might just want to wander over to the children’s section and pick up this other fantastic work!

Amazon Da Vinci Code Security Letter (as improved by Meg Cabot):

Dear Da Vinci Code Fans,

The Da Vinci Code sold 80 Million copies in 51 languages. Now, after five years of work, Dan Brown is unveiling his new novel, The Lost Symbol.

The contents of this book remain such a deep secret that Amazon is keeping their stockpile under 24-guard in its own chain-link enclosure, with two locks requiring two separate people for entry….

…as well as Cerberus, the multi-headed hell hound, guarding the people who are guarding the entry.

Not to mention the Hydra of Lernaean, a serpent-like chthonic water beast whose poisonous breath was so virulent even her tracks were deadly, guarding Cerebus.

Amazon is confident that with the stockpile under 24-hour guard in its own chain-link enclosure, with two locks requiring two separate people for entry, as well as Cerberus and the Hydra of Lernaean guarding the people who have the keys, copies of Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol will not get out before the release date, thus keeping Robert Langdon’s latest intrepid adventure unspoiled for you, the reading public.

But just in case someone does slip past Amazon’s chain link fence, locks, Cerberus, and the Hydra, Amazon is prepared to hunt down anyone who steals copies of The Lost Symbol using trained chupacabras.

Yes, chupacabras, the legendary cryptoid rumored to inhabit parts of the Americas and to drink the blood of livestock, will track down anyone who steals copies of The Lost Symbol (or posts a PDF of it online) before the release date, find them, puncture their jugular vein, and drain them of their life’s blood.

In this way, no one will survive to spoil handsome yet intellectual Robert Langdon’s next exciting tale.

You can depend on us, America!

Sincerely,

J.B.

Did you like that? I think it had a certain flair that the original letter lacked.

Anyway, I’m always happy to do what I can to help.

I just wish Amazon had come to me, a professional writer, first!

I hope all of you are watching Glee, which kind of flagged towards the middle but then got really good, and that you also saw the premiere of House (I wish that show were always set in a mental institution).

Just whatever you do, do NOT watch the horrible movie I saw on the way back from Brazil, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

Really, Hollywood? Why don’t you just throw up on me next time and get it over with.

Personally, I recommend instead you see the Showtime documentary Battle of the High School Musical, Guys ‘n Divas.

Because it’s like Glee, only for REAL. Set in Southern Indiana near where I grew up (but my school had nowhere near as much money for arts as the schools in this documentary! At least not when I was there), it shows three different high school drama/arts departments struggling to put on their school musical, from auditions to opening night.

How much do I love the story of one student who began praise dancing (after slamming another boy’s head into concrete and hospitalizing him for two months)? Docudrama gold, baby.

And what about Floyd Central High School, where they put on a show called “Zombie Prom,” and where one of the male leads almost had to quit when….

Well, I don’t want to spoil it for you. But it has to do with a 14 foot python.

Seriously, people. It’s Indiana. You can’t make this stuff up. (My drama director used to throw her Bic lighter at us when we got a line wrong. I swear.)

Oh, and before I forget, don’t miss Appaloosa, starring Ed Harris and Viggo Mortenson.

I know what you’re thinking: Ed Harris? Seriously?

But stop right there. Viggo Mortenson was VERY VERY NAKED (FULL FRONTAL!!!) in Eastern Promises, a movie that scored VERY VERY HIGH on the Best Movie Ever Approval Rating (Romance, Action, Hot Guys With Guns, and Viggo Mortenson Full Frontal Naked. In fact I would give Eastern Promises three HUGE tiaras).

Sadly, only Renee Zellweger is naked in Appaloosa…and it’s through a telescope from super far away, in this pivotal scene. You don’t really see anything:

For which I suppose we should be thankful. Because, you know. It’s Renee Zellweger, who claims she can’t gain weight for Bridget Jones 3 because it’s “too hard” on her body.

Really, Renee? I could gain 30 pounds in three minutes with a bag of Oreos, some Ding Dongs, and a twelve pack of Coke.

However, Appaloosa was still an excellent, excellent movie, scoring very high on the approval rating!

This movie was based on the bestselling Western by Robert B. Parker who writes the Spenser series, one of my favorite mystery series of all time.

Watching Appaloosa, I remembered why I had liked the book so much: Viggo Mortenson and Ed Harris are super hot (although older) gunslingers for justice.

Also, they’re funny (but not slapstick. This wasn’t Lethal Weapon, which is good, but a totally different style of movie). They’re violent, but with good reason, and the romance was deliciously complicated.

All in all, I give Appaloosa three tiaras. I’m going to be buying the sequels to the book of Appaloosa, Resolution and Brimstone, and I’ll be reading them someday, along with all the other books I’m totally going to be reading someday.

If they got made into movies, I’d watch them someday too.

When my friend Beth called me to ask, “Wasn’t Appaloosa good?” I only had one thing to say about this film: “I would like to be in a Viggo Mortenson and Ed Harris sandwich.”

The end.

More later.

Much love,

Meg

*I swear I’m totally going to read these books when I have time.

Watch It

The Proposal

In my quest to see the Best Movie of all time, I saw The Proposal the other day.

(Full disclosure: I saw it with one of my gay husbands: my hair stylist.)

(Fuller disclosure: I have many gay husbands.)

(Fullest disclosure: I have so many gay husbands who are in the beauty, home, and design industry, I’ve been thinking lately that I need to start a gay army to give the world a makeover. I seriously get chills just thinking about it.)

The most important thing you need to know about The Proposal is that Ryan Reynolds is naked in it. Obviously I could tell you the plot and stuff, but who cares once you know that?

(I love Ryan Reynolds for more than his looks though. He is so hilarious in Just Friends with Anna Faris. I have to watch this movie every time it comes on TV, it’s that funny.)

Anyway, there is a long scene in The Proposal where Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock are both running around naked but don’t mean to be naked in the same room and then they are and then they scream and bump into each other. NAKED!

Good for them! There’s no need to be shy about your body when you are a professional actor or actress. Your body is your tool and part of your craft. You need to share your talents with the world. Especially if you are Ryan Reynolds.

I looked for a picture of Ryan naked in The Proposal but I couldn’t find one so here is one of him chopping wood in Amityville Horror courtesy of Wooden Spears.

Here is another one of him chained up in one of the Blade movies (I actually saw this movie and enjoyed it very much, especially this scene, also courtesy of Wooden Spears):

As far as chick-flicks go, The Proposal was surprisingly good. It didn’t have any scatalogical humor, which automatically puts it ahead of Two Weeks Notice and Sex In The City, The Movie.

Why do Hollywood producers think I want to see Sandra Bullock or Charlotte having diarrhea? Because I do not.

Here is a picture of Sandra in The Proposal trying to feed a dog to an eagle. Don’t ask. Seriously.

The best part of The Proposal (to me) was when Sandra Bullock was taken by force to see the town’s “sexy” male stripper who was so NOT sexy, and she sits there with a look on her face that I completely recognized as the same look I get on my face whenever I am asked to play “party games” at a bridal or baby shower.

Thank you for this picture, Just Jared. The look on her face in that picture says it all. She’s like, “Who am I going to kill first? Betty White? Yes. I think so.” Later, she drinks shots to try to forget.

But no amount of liquor will make you forget that.

I enjoyed The Proposal and not just because of the nakedness…which did not, by the way, lead to sexy times. The romance in this movie was entirely based on two people hating each other but then realizing that in fact they actually loved each other…and hating that they realized this. This reminded me of me and He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog. Only we are not that hot, sadly.

I’m going to give The Proposal three tiaras just for that, wholly aside from Ryan being naked, and because Sandra Bullock is older than me and she had the guts to be naked in this movie. That takes some ovaries. I truly do love her.

Plus no woman has diarrhea in The Proposal. I want to reward Hollywood for this. It’s a small step in the right direction, but it’s a step.

We won’t talk about the giving-the-dog-to-the-eagle thing, because it turned out all right.

PS If Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo have a baby, will its beauty create a black hole from which only Nicolas Cage can save us? I think so.

More later.

Much love,

Meg