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The Palatine Guard Human Resources Handbook

Here are some facts that may have escaped your notice until now, but of which I feel you CANNOT go into the holiday weekend without being made aware:

If you hold a sparkler to a mannequin’s dress, it WILL catch on fire.

If you go away for the holiday weekend, some kids might make a really big water slide from the roof of your house.

But if you tell certain kids NOT to do something (like make a really big water slide from the roof of your house while you’re not home) all you’ll end up doing is making that kid even more obsessed with that thing than ever.

Like the mom who made me stop watching a certain vampire movie in the middle when I was 12:

Ever since then, I’ve had to watch anything with vampires in it, in a vain effort to find MY lost vampire movie … even movies I’ve had no interest in seeing, that I was sure weren’t my vampire movie, such as Nosferatu and The Hunger and Lair of the White Worm.

That’s how I’ve ended up seeing almost every vampire movie ever made, and also how I ended up guest blogging about the experience this week on USA Today’s Pop Candy. Read more about my vampire movie obsession here.

Oh, yeah:

And someone smuggled an actual copy of The Palatine Guard Human Resources Handbook (featured heavily in my new book, Insatiable) out of the Vatican, so we posted it on my site.

(Don’t ask me how they did it! We just post, we don’t question.)

If you want to know more about what it’s like to be one of the Chosen Few (if you don’t know what the Palatine Guard is yet, first of all, for shame. Second of all, click here), just visit the “Extras” page on the Insatiable homepage and then scroll down until you get to the Palatine Guard Human Resources Handbook (it’s disguised to look like an ordinary book. Obviously, we don’t want anyone from a certain place to know that we have this information. It’s explosive!).

Here are some random selections from The Palatine Guard Human Resources Handbook

Article 2 Combat Zone Protocols

2.1 Procedures In The Event of Mass Human Casualties


In the event of mass human casualties due to a supernatural-related event, the primary goal is to manage the situation in such a way that the civilian population (or the media) never suspects the true cause. Take stock of the situation and be prepared to provide explanations that match the scene: natural disasters, man-made disasters, or a combination of natural and man-made disasters often result in high loss of life. For example, a severe microburst in the middle of the summer could account for mangled bodies strewn across a suburban street. In cities like New York, thousands of people suffer cab-related fatalities each year. If a microburst were to hit Lower Manhattan at rush hour, the body count would be high.

Article 4
 Expenses and Equipment

4.3 Per Diem

Vampire Hunters will be extended a $50/day allowance for food and lodging. We have reciprocal agreements with various churches and convents in secure sites across the country where Level-1 staff can reserve rooms while on duty. Dining at exclusive restaurants and staying in expensive hotels is strictly prohibited. No exceptions.

Article 5 
Battlefield Protocol

5.2 After Capture

If you are captured by a vampire, every effort will be made to extract you alive. So be patient. While you are captive, you are not to reveal, even under torture, anything about the Palatine Guard or other Hunters. Your anti-torture and anti-exsanguination training should help you resist being interrogated by a vampire or other non-human creature. You should conduct yourself with honor and never forget that you are human. If you do not survive capture, every effort will be made to recover your body and give you a dignified burial.

5.3 If You Are Turned During Capture

Being turned while captive is one of the most undignified (un)deaths that a Hunter can endure (mostly because you will live for eternity knowing you allowed it to happen). To save yourself from this fate, it is vitally important to make every effort to terminate your own life before you become undead. The Hunter orientation that all new employees attend includes training in how to kill yourself quickly and painlessly. In the event that you fail in this and are turned during capture, your fellow Hunters will have to hunt you down and kill you (usually by removing your head). Please do not take this personally. As you know, this is policy. Struggling, begging for mercy, and/or attempting to kill colleagues who are only attempting to carry out their assignments will only make things more difficult in the long run for yourself and for your former friends, who must carry out an unsavory task.

5.4 Family Notification Order If You Are Killed or Turned


Your family will not be notified if you are killed or turned. They will only be told that you decided to take an extended vacation, and every month or so they will be sent a postcard from some distant, tropical destination until they forget about you. This is to protect them and other Hunters from non-human reprisal.

I told you! It’s explosive!

Many of you have sent in SASE’s (to me at Meg Cabot, P.O. Box 4904, Key West, FL 33041-4904) with requests for Insatiable bookmarks and Dracul tattoos, etc. We are happy to provide these. Sadly, however, we cannot provide you with copies of The Palatine Guard Human Resources Handbook. These are copyrighted to the You Know Where! We will be adding more to it online, however, when and if our “source” recovers more Palatine Guard Human Resources Handbook material. So keep checking back!

He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog’s dad thanks everyone who wrote in with get well wishes about his heart surgery. He’s in good spirits, and not just because no one has made a giant waterslide from the roof of his house. Yet. Keep up the speedy healing, Mr. HWSNBNITB, Sr!

I shall be spending my holiday weekend NOT making any giant water slides or lighting mannequins dresses on fire with sparklers. That’s because I just found out there are restaurants that employ monkeys as waiters. Not waiters who are as incompetent as monkeys, but ACTUAL monkeys.

I’m going to try to find one in my area, although I suspect I will probably have to go Japan for this, and this isn’t going to happen, as we all know what it’s like to travel during a holiday weekend.

Stay safe!

More later.

Much love,

Meg

PS Ugh, I know! A lot of you have written that you want to be writers and that you came here looking for writing tips! So where are they?

I recommend using the Search function to look through my older blog posts. You can also go here. I host a Writing Forum for FREE (I know. Huge. That’s how big my heart is).

I’ve been writing this blog for over six years, and during that time, I’ve posted many, many entries on the writing process, as well as the revision process, how to get published, how to find an agent, etc. I know they’ve been helpful, because I’ve received hundreds of letters, emails, and even whole published books from you, thanking me for helping you to get published, and crediting the information I’ve posted here for it. That makes my already HUGE heart feel even HUGER! At the end of this month, I’m going to Orlando Disneyworld Resort to share even MORE of my writing knowledge (and sign books for charity) at many events at the RWA National Conference. I hope I’ll see tons of you there!

I realize, though, that there are new readers coming to this blog all the time, eager to find out how they, too, can get published. All you have to do is look! The information is always here (actually some of it is also here, too)!

The best advice anyone ever gave to me, I’m now passing on to you: Just take it one page at a time.

XXXOOO

M

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Vampires: Don’t try it at home

I don’t know what you were doing this past Saturday, but I went to my first ever co-ed baby shower. There was beer. Also, gambling (on how much the baby would weigh at birth).

At the shower people told me they had just seen John Searles from Cosmopolitan hosting the “Summer Reads Round-Up” on NBC TV’s Weekend TODAY (Hoda and Kathy Lee aren’t on it. They have weekends off).

One of the five books John Searles chose, it turned out, was mine.

I was all, “WHAT?”

Everyone was like, “Meg, I didn’t know you had a new book out.”

I yelled, “I don’t. Until June 8.”

(But, as I cannily informed them, you can pre-order it.)

Since I didn’t even know it was going to be on, I didn’t record the show, and there’s no link up yet.

But my publisher sent me a transcript. Out of context, the script is hilarious, so I’m pasting it here:

ROBACH: OK. I think the next one kind of says it all in the title. “Insatiable.”

Mr. SEARLES: “Insatiable.” Meg Cabot is known primarily for her young adult novels like “Princess Diaries,” that series. This time she tries something different, and succeeds wildly. It’s about a woman who has this weird ability to be able to tell how someone’s going to die. It makes for a great read.

ROBACH: Oh.

Mr. SEARLES: I don’t want to have her at a dinner party of mine anytime soon, but it’s a great book.

It kind of sounds like he’s talking about how he wouldn’t want to have ME at a dinner party, but I think he means my main character (who looks like Kate Spade Barbie, only not as skinny and with a pixie cut).

Yes, the dog is the dog from the book, Jack Bauer.

You can see Kate Spade Barbie star in her own video, if you scroll down a bit. But first:

Some of the people at the baby shower were like, “Uh, Meg, I didn’t know you knew anything about vampires.”

I believe they regretted asking this question when I spent the rest of the shower informing them of the following:

A Few of My Favorite Vampires/Vampire Slayers

Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)

Following in the footsteps of the first feminist vampire slayer (Mina Harker), Buffy, the Chosen One, had the misfortune to fall in love with not one, but two vampires!

I love her creator Joss Whedon and how he ”weighed in on the vampire craze of the late 00’s” in this week’s Entertainment Weekly (100 of the Greatest Characters of the Past 20 Years, although I thought they left out a few).

But I have to disagree with the term “vampire craze of the late 00’s.” True, as storytellers, our job is to put our own spin on the topic (Joss’s? “Growing up.” Mine? “Being dead? Not a happy ending.”)

But this “craze” is no craze. You want a craze?

Check this out:

Brad Pitt as Louis in Interview with the Vampire (1994)

FACT:

1994. I was working as an assistant dorm manager at NYU when Interview with the Vampire exploded in popularity (kind of like Twilight, only way darker).

A bunch of suitemates in a room in the dorm where I worked decided it would be cool to bite one another, then drink each other’s blood.

If you decide you want to be a real life vampire, that’s cool with me. Just don’t do it if you have hepatitis from all your unsafe piercings/tattoos.

So, as far as crazes go, I consider this current one pretty mild. I mean, you’re embarrassed because your mom threw her thong at Taylor Lautner?

Hey, I was riding around in ambulances with people to St. Vincents, then changing locks (under command of the NYC Board of Health), and handing kids their belongings in plastic Glad bags (not without a certain amount of glee. I mean, these kids were dumbasses).

So go read about the history of vampire novel crazes here.

Then come back and read this:

Vampirism. Fun to read about. Just don’t try it at home (or at school).

And don’t call it a craze until the NYC Board of Health comes and shuts it down, punks.

David Boreanaz as Angel on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)

The gypsy curse that gave him back his soul (but decreed if he experienced a moment of pure happiness) caused him much inner pain. Because of course for him happiness was sex with Buffy. But it was so much fun for us viewers.

James Marsters as Spike in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)

A vampire who never had his soul restored by a gypsy curse, Spike somehow managed to love Buffy anyway. He loved her so much he went and managed to get his soul restored on his own (through a long and painful process), just because he thought Buffy might forgive him for his many misdeeds.

Why didn’t Angel think of this? Did Spike love Buffy more than Angel did? Why do I still think so much about this guy?

Wesley Snipes as Blade in Blade (1998)

In a time when darkness rules the land, one man will come forth and lead us to the light. That time is now, and that man will be Wesley Snipes.

Where are you, Mr. Snipes? Come save us.

James Woods in John Carpenter’s Vampires (1985)

Like From Dusk Till Dawn, starring George Clooney as a psychotic escaped con who kidnaps Harvey Keitel and takes him and his kids to a bar overrun by vampires, John Carpenter’s Vampires is just always ON. Why? I don’t know. I have to watch it whenever it is. Because like 30 Days of Nights, it’s just scarily awesome.

Salem’s Lot by Stephen King

Wait, what? Isn’t this supposed to be a list of movies and TV shows? No, it includes books, too. I’ve never gotten to the end of this book because it scares me so much, so I don’t know what happens. DON’T TELL ME!

Stephen Moyer as Bill Compton in True Blood (TV)

God, look how cute they are! And they love each other in real life, too! I don’t want to say I knew from watching the show, but couldn’t you tell? I could.

I’ve never met Charlaine Harris, but I want to, especially after this interview in the NYTimes magazine.

Keifer Sutherland as David in The Lost Boys (1987)

All I’m saying is, this is the movie where he trained for all the torture scenes he’d do later in 24.

Parker Posey as Danica Talos in Blade: Trinity (2004)

New rule: Parker Posey must be in all vampire movies.

Frank Langella in John Badham’s Dracula (1979)

The original sexy rich vampire (on film) who only liked virgins.

That table kind of reminds me of the one the hot devil guy had in the movie Legend (when he tried to make Tom Cruise’s girlfriend be his hot devil bride). Aw, Legend!

Kate Beckinsale in Underworld, many incarnations (2003-2011)

If you liked her as an orphan tidying up Cold Comfort Farm, you’ll LOVE her as Selene, the tortured vampire.

Well, maybe you won’t, but I did.

Ashley Greene as Alice Cullen in Twilight (2008)

I just love Alice, who wins my award for best dressed vampire of all time. My favorite part in New Moon was the head scarf she wore while driving in Italy. Did she go, “Let’s see: Driving fast to stop Edward from killing himself? Ooooh, chiffon head scarf. Perfect!” Yes. She did. (This was a refreshing change after Bella literally did not change clothes for three months while sitting in that chair in a depressed stupor.)

Dracula by Bram Stoker

Join us. We’re waiting. We don’t bite.

You know you want it.

Ryan Reynolds as vampire Hannibal King in Blade: Trinity (2004)

This is just horrible. Ryan Reynolds is a gifted thespian and has given us hours of viewing pleasure, particularly in comedies such as Just Friends and The Proposal.

We should not be objectifying him by posting shirtless photos of him all over the place, particularly as Hannibal in Blade: Trinity, which he may not consider his finest work (or maybe he does. I don’t know).

Please, please vote for Ryan and Sandra to win Best Kiss at this week’s MTV Movie Awards (hosted by one of my favorite comedians, Aziz Ansari. Aziz wants you to vote for Ryan)!

Save Ryan, Jessica! Save him from everyone preying upon his manly gifts!

I’ll close with this exclusive video sneak peek from my book, re-enacted by Barbie, GI Joe, and Ken (this is the Ken doll that was auctioned off, along with an ARC of the book, for $600 to benefit Do The Write Thing For Nashville!):

Note: No dolls were objectified in the making of this book trailer.

More later.

Much love,

Meg

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Stark, Seventeen, Insatiable

Hi. I’m posting this while on the run from Stark Corporate.

(OK, true story: I’m getting highlights and a pedicure right now. Is that information ruining the suspense? But obviously I couldn’t have made that video and posted it on the fly. I’m not an iPad early adopter. I don’t even have an iPhone. I have a MacBook Air and a Blackberry and that’s about all I can handle.)

Although Stark WAS trying to kill me, earlier, for getting out the truth about Project Phoenix. If you want to know what that is, you’ll just have to read Runaway (the last book in the Airhead series) when it comes out April 20.

Seventeen Magazine was nice enough to post a sneak peek here though! (Edited on 4/14: It’s a new excerpt! In video format! You’ll have to let me know how it is because I haven’t watched it yet. I can’t watch myself on video. I don’t know how all these movie stars do it!)

Speaking of Seventeen, you know how yesterday I mentioned on Twitter that I was reading the finalists in the Seventeen fiction contest? Well, I’m done! They were really good. You guys rocked it.

But I don’t know who the winner is! I mean, I know who I picked. But the final decision will be announced by Seventeen! (I don’t know when.)

I do have to say, just like in other years (and this is true of the Capricho Magazine fiction contest in Brazil, too), while all of the entries were fantastic, the first place winner (at least the one I picked) just completely blew me away.

In other news, have you checked out the Insatiable page lately? There’s an excerpt up on it, too! You can read it here by clicking where it says Read Excerpt!

But you have to prove you’re worthy of accessing the page by showing you have the qualities it takes to become a member of the Palatine Guard.

What’s a Palatine Guard? Well, they hang out in here:

You can try looking them up online . . . but don’t believe what you see. The Internet is rife with disinformation lately.

Good luck!

I have to go escape Stark now (oops, actually, I’m getting rinsed. But same thing, really.)

More later.

Much love,

Meg

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Get Glitter Girled!

Ladies (and some of you gentlemen). I know what you want.

It’s what we all want. What we’ve all been wanting for some time:

And that’s to get Glitter Girled!

Well, tomorrow, your Glitter Girl dreams will come true:

Just go to your local bookstore (or Target or WalMart) and grab a copy of Glitter Girls and the Great Fake Out (Allie Finkle’s Rules for Girls #5), and Allie will show you how a little glitter can go a long way toward empowering a girl!

I could tell you what happens in Glitter Girls and the Great Fake Out.

Or you could just watch this video where I read you a little snippet! (Don’t worry: it’s short.)

Allie may be in the fourth grade, but her problems are ones girls (and boys) of all ages can relate to:

What do you do when someone you don’t like so much invites you to do something you’ve always wanted to do (such as: Go by limousine to Glitterati, the most amazing store in the world, where all your dreams come true)?

Especially if it means disappointing all of your REAL friends, because you’ve promised to go with them to the Little Miss Majorette Baton Twirling Twirltacular?

(Oh, yes, you heard me: I just said Little Miss Majorette Baton Twirling Twirltacular.)

Obviously, there’s only one answer: You get Glitter Girled!

(And learn a really important lesson about the true meaning of friendship. While kicking some Glitter Girl butt!)

As you saw in the video above, I wore my Glitter Girl glasses for the occasion of reading (and writing) Glitter Girls and the Fake Out.

All my reading glasses glitter because I learned a long time ago that a little bit of glitter in your life goes a long way, especially toward boosting your self-esteem. . . .

. . . Although really it’s what you DO while wearing the glitter that matters.

So get Glitter Girl, and find out the meaning behind the Great Fake Out! Are all Glitter Girls Fake?

Or is the REAL Fake Out the fact that girls who wear glitter are only doing it to give themselves the self-confidence they need to take over the world?

Allie Finkle’s Rules For Girls #5, Glitter Girls and Great Fake Out! It’s got everything you’ve come to love about Allie! All the friends, frenemies, fighting, kittens, annoying little brothers, Allie’s teacher Mrs. Hunter, plus makeovers, baton twirling, limos, lying, a sleepover gone horribly wrong, Cheesecake Factory, and much, much more!

Glitter on.

More later.

Much love,

Meg

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Keeper Shelf: Albatross by Josie Bloss

Warning: Don’t read Josie Bloss’s new book Albatross unless you have no other plans for the night.*

* Edited later to add: Want to win a free copy of this book? Go here.

Because when I received a copy of Albatross, He Who Shall Not Be Not In This Blog and I were supposed to go out, and I ended up having to cancel so I could stay home and find out what happens to Josie’s main character, Tess, instead.

It was totally worth it.

(PS I made it up to HWSNBNITB last night. We went out to dinner at a VERY chi chi restaurant. But I think I caught the norovirus or something because after we got home I spent the rest of the night with my head in a trash can. That’s right, I didn’t even make it to the bathroom! My eyeballs feel like they have popcorn glued to them right now.)

But that’s how compelling this book is! I’m writing this ON MY DEATH BED.

I was so gripped by Albatross that after I finished reading it I contacted Josie for an interview to find out what made her write something so completely different from her first two books, Band Geek Love and Band Geeked Out.

(Which are also great, but in a totally different way. They make you laugh and go, “Awww.” Albatross makes you grip the book and go, “I must find out what happens next!”).

So read for yourself how a writer goes from writing about funny band geeks to dark obsessive love!

Meg: Hi, Josie Bloss! Okay, so first question I always ask: If they were making a movie about Albatross, and that guy who does the voice overs on all the movie trailers was telling us about it, what would he say?

Josie: Oh, difficult! It would be easier for me to tell you the entire soundtrack I’d pick for the movie than the words in the trailer, but I’ll give it a shot…

Starting over in a new town after her parents’ split isn’t easy for Tess, and when she meets Micah, it feels like her first real connection. Everyone warns her that Micah is bad news – a heartbreaker – and a girl named Daisy acts like she owns him. Still, Tess can’t ignore her attraction to this brooding, brilliant, friendless emo-guy who can turn on the charm – or heart-shredding scorn – at a moment’s notice. Caught in an obsessive triangle of jealousy and obsession, Tess must learn to break away from her past and find her true self.

Meg: Oh, I can hear the movie guy’s voice now!

OK, I really felt as I was reading Albatross that I recognized Micah. My friends and I all made the mistake of falling for guys just like him in high school (who all dumped us, but that’s beside the point)!

It’s hard to resist a guy who pays that much attention to you, especially if he seems like a bit of a bad boy. Have you ever been in a similar situation? Was that how you were able to describe it so vividly?

Josie: Oh, I’ve been there and then some. And so had a lot of people that I talked to while I was writing Albatross. The experience of being completely obsessed with someone who is so wrong for you seems like such a common thing…dealing with that desperate feeling that you’re not quite good enough, or that if maybe you changed they would like you more.

And that no matter how carelessly or even outright horribly they treat you, you can’t quite let them go because maybe NEXT time it’ll be different and they’ll realize how awesome you are.

I didn’t want to let my own awful experiences with such things go to waste, so I put it all into a book. My hope is that Albatross will help someone else fighting through something similar know that she is not alone and that she CAN find a way out of it. Life is too short to waste time on people who make you feel bad about yourself and tear you down.

(Josie talks a little more about the story behind Albatross on her agent’s blog.)

(Read the first chapter of Albatross here.)

Meg: Who were your favorite (real or imaginary) heroines growing up? Who are your favorite heroines, real or imaginary, now?

Josie: I loved the heroine from “Beauty: A Re-Telling of the Story of Beauty and the Beast” by Robin McKinley. Beauty was fearless and bookish and unconcerned with her appearance and had an awesome horse, and I totally wanted to be her.

(I still read that book at least once a year. I have a copy that I stole from my 7th grade classroom…sorry, Mrs. Farhat.)

Meg: I freaking LOVED this book. Everyone should read at least one Robin McKinley book at some point. There’s something for everyone, from vampire fans to Beauty and the Beast fans!

Josie: I also loved Dana Scully from X-Files because she was so smart and practical and had all those crazy, interesting adventures with her cute partner.

Meg: Love her too.

Josie: My current heroine is Tina Fey. She’s really helped turn over the myth that women aren’t just as hilarious as men, and I love her writing and her style so much. Though, honestly, her Liz Lemon character on “30 Rock” hits a little TOO close to home sometimes. I seriously almost did this to get out of jury duty once:

Meg: Ha. Excellent. Okay, so did you always want to be a writer?

Josie: I did always want to be a writer, but I was in denial about it for a long time. I barely wrote any fiction during high school because I was so freaked out that it wouldn’t be “good enough” and that I’d fail and somehow everyone would find out and laugh at me. This was a huge mistake! I missed out on a lot of time that I could have spent learning about writing.

One thing I did do right was to obsessively keep a journal from 5th grade through college, which means I now have plenty of material to steal from myself. I thought the journals would be handy to have one day, and I was so right.

For example, I was just able to easily look up the name of my 7th grade English teacher. Useful!

Meg: I think all aspiring writers should keep journals. Like you said, they’re incredibly useful later in life! So, did you ever get rejected? I can’t imagine you did, but if so, how many times and what did you do with the rejection letters?

Josie: Yikes, I don’t even know how many times I’ve been rejected. I guess I haven’t kept count, but all the rejection emails are still lurking in my inbox, making sure I don’t ever get overconfident. I’ve found it gets easier as time goes on, plus rejections have been essential in making me a better writer. Figuring out what DOESN’T work is just as useful as figuring out what does.

Meg: This is VERY IMPORTANT, and I ask all my guests this question: Do you eat while you write, and if so what and how many per chapter?

Josie: Though I’m mostly undomesticated, for some reason I recently became one of those people who bake. Lately I’ve been rewarding myself with a delicious homemade chocolate truffle cookie when I finish a chapter! Believe me, one per chapter is plenty.

Meg: Baking them yourself is a good idea because then you know exactly what’s going into them. Okay, what are you working on now?

Josie: I’m working on a few different things, but I plan to keep with the general theme of a girl casting off her demons and finding her inner-badass. It’s my favorite thing to write about!

Meg: That’s my favorite thing to read about! Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions. You’re amazing.

Josie: Thanks so much Meg! I went to one of your signings in Chicago in the Spring of 2006, literally the day before I started writing my first book, Band Geek Love. I waited in line to get my copy of Queen of Babble signed, and told you that I was going to be a writer. You said “Go for it!” I’ve attached the picture from that day (I can’t believe it’s been FOUR years!)

Meg: Uh, I have memory of this. I probably blocked it due to the hideous hairdo I was sporting that day. I can’t believe I’m posting this photo on my blog, but this is a testament to how much I like Josie:

Ugh! Photos like these are the reason I wrote the Airhead series: I want a brain transplant into the body of someone with better hair.

Josie, on the other hand, looks incredibly cute.

OK, final word: When I read Albatross, it was still in manuscript form, so it didn’t have a cover yet. I only saw the cover much later:

I have to say, I was super surprised! Not to judge a book by its cover . . . but would you guess looking at this that this is a novel rich in haunting, dramatic scenes that take place next to and even in the water?

An albatross is a water bird, after all!

I would have thought the cover would look something more along the lines of this:

Or maybe this:

(All photos courtesy of http://vi.sualize.us/.)

I feel like the images above better reflect Albatross and its wild, wavy passion.

But maybe that’s just me.

You should get a copy of Albatross RIGHT NOW, read it, and then let me know what YOU think!

Meanwhile, Josie: Write MORE BOOKS!

More later.

Much love,

Meg

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Keeper Shelf Monday: Fat Cat by Robin Brande

A while ago I started hearing all this buzz about this book, Fat Cat by Robin Brande.

Full of romance and comedy and cool science….OK, I’ll bite.

But then I heard that it also involved a heroine’s experience being “the fat girl” as well as her experience trying to get healthy.

That’s when I REALLY got interested.

Because hello, me fifty pounds ago:

Before: People at work thought I was having a baby.

Back then I used to have one of these for breakfast every day:

And one of these for lunch:

Along with about ten diet sodas a day (because I was being healthy)!

And then nachos or a pizza for dinner, with a few beers (light beers, of course).

(I swear to you: I am not making this up.)

I probably would have gone on that way forever if I hadn’t switched doctors. My new doctor told me that I had lyme disease and that on the lyme disease antibiotics I couldn’t drink alcohol or consume any refined carbs (good carbs, such as fruit and nuts, were OK) or I would get a yeast infection. In my mouth.

If that isn’t the best incentive to quit eating cookie dough for breakfast, I don’t know what is. I was scared healthy!

After: Now I eat oatmeal and yogurt with nuts for breakfast. Boring, I know. But no yeast infections in my mouth. So far.

But what I went through those first few days withdrawing from refined carbs was what I imagine it would feel like to have an anvil dropped repeatedly on your head.

So here’s this author who wrote a whole book about a heroine who VOLUNTARILY agrees to go through the same thing…well, sort of: Cat decides to go “hominin” (cave girl) for a year long science experiment, and eat only non-processed, all-natural meals that she prepares herself.

She also won’t use electricity (no cell phones, TV, lights, microwaves, computers, etc, except for school), or drive (though she’ll let herself be driven after dark for safety), or makeup…the whole deal!

WHY???? WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS????

Well, Cat wants to see what kind of harmful effects modern foods (and lifestyle) has had on human beings.

What she never expects is the the resulting effect this experiment has on HER…both on her body AND on her romantic life.

Fat Cat was AWESOME. I loved reading about Cat’s resulting headaches as she withdraws from Diet Coke, sugar, caffeine, etc. Robin described EXACTLY what I went through when I had to give up those things (of course, I went back on all of them eventually. In moderation. Until I turned out to be a celiac. But that’s a whole other story).

I loved Fat Cat! I couldn’t stop reading it (even staying up til 1AM two nights in a row to finish it), because I had to find out what happened…not just with Cat’s science project, but with her romantic life. The hero is GREAT. Like Cat, he’s not perfect, and I liked him even more for that.

I enjoyed this book so much, I just had to contact the author Robin Brande and interview her. She’s so much fun, just like her book!

Author Robin Brande with friend

Here’s what she said in response to my questions:

Meg: Hi, Robin Brande. If they were making a movie about Fat Cat, and that guy who does the voice overs on movie trailers was telling us about it, what would he say?

Robin: Ha! Great question.

“Cat is smart, funny, and okay, maybe she wishes she hadn’t been living off of ice cream and Doritos for most of high school, but hey, no one’s perfect. But when she gets the chance to make herself her own science experiment and live like a cave woman, giving up all modern food and technology, look out—the results are something neither Cat nor the guys in her life are quite ready for.”

And there would be lots of sound effects and explosions and maybe Angelina Jolie laughing maniacally in the background, just because.

Meg: I think Angelina would also be shooting guns off. Although that’s not in the book. But it could be.

Okay, so who were your favorite (real or imaginary) heroines growing up? Who are your favorite heroines, real or imaginary, now?

Robin: Growing up: Any girl in a book or movie who had a horse, a dog, or special magical powers.

Now: Any woman in real life who swims to Antarctica, treks to the North Pole, rows across the Atlantic, climbs Mount Everest, etc. And if she has a horse or a dog or special magical powers–bonus.

Meg: Why am I not surprised. Did you always want to be a writer? Did you ever get rejected?

Robin: I’ve wanted to be a writer ever since 5th grade. But my parents were all “be practical!” and I knew I had to support myself after I graduated from college, so I took the chicken route and went to law school. Which is not something you should do if you don’t really want to be a lawyer. But I was a lawyer for about seven years, until I felt my soul slowly leaking out of my eyeballs. Then I did a few other things until I finally came to my senses and started writing full time, which is all I’ve ever really wanted to do.

(Note from Meg: I think this is great advice. It’s always good to have something to fall back on, just in case the writing thing doesn’t work out right away.)

Robin: Rejection? Ha! Plenty of that. The first novel of mine that was published, EVOLUTION, ME & OTHER FREAKS OF NATURE, was actually the sixth one I’d written. But that’s okay, because none of those earlier novels was a waste of time. As I’m sure you’ve experienced, Meg, every time you write a novel you get better at writing novels. So it’s all cool, it’s all wonderful, and I have no complaints.

Meg: We’re almost even on the same level of rejected books but I think I beat you. Do you eat while you write and if so what and how many per chapter?

Robin: Why are you the first person who has ever asked this? This is an awesome question!

Eating is my break from writing. Because it still feels like I’m doing *something.* I’m not really goofing off, I just have to quickly go make this chocolate zucchini bread. For research. Yeah.

Actually, since Fat Cat involved so much cooking and so much eating, I had a great time constantly doing “research.” My readers deserve to know whether Cat’s deep-dish double-espresso brownies really are that great. Yes, readers, they are.

Meg: If you want some of Cat’s recipes from the book, click here. What are you working on now, Robin?

Robin: I’m working on a very tight deadline at the moment, eating and writing—I mean, writing—the next book, which involves quantum physics and string theory. And love and romance, of course. And the girl in it has a dog and maybe even magical powers—I’ll leave that up to the readers to decide. The book is a lot of fun to write, but sometimes I do get a little sweaty when I have to explain the science. But there’s food in this one, too, so I can always take a break to go do “research.”

Meg: I can’t wait to read it!!!

Robin: Meg, thank you for your fabulous questions! I loved them all!! And now I’d like to know your answer to the food one: Do you eat while you write, and if so, what and how many per chapter?

Meg: I do! Right now I’m eating these mini Heath Bars (because you have to treat yourself SOMETIMES…moderation is the key) I found at CVS. As to how many per chapter, judging by the wrappers, at least five.

Meg: And now Robin has GENEROUSLY offered to give away TWO COPIES of Fat Cat, along with two of her amazing cool Karmic Café t-shirts (the Karmic Café plays a big part in the book. Many hot scenes happen there).

The winners will be chosen from posters on my message board! So click here to answer these two VERY difficult questions:

What would be the hardest unhealthy food for you to give up, and what would be the hardest technology for you to do without?

I already answered the first one: Chocolate chip cookie dough for breakfast (although breaking the diet soda addiction was definitely worst).

And even though I used to do so, I can’t imagine HOW we ever got along without the Internet! (Although makeup would be hard for me to give up, too.)

Read Fat Cat! I guarantee you’ll love it!

More later.

Much love,

Meg

Read It

Keeper Shelf Monday: Laini Taylor

The thing I think is so cool about the author of today’s book for Keeper Shelf Monday is that she started out as an artist making her own line of cool greeting cards (something I’ve always dreamed of doing!).

And then she got a got book published!

Plus, she has pink hair!

How cool is that?

Answer: Totally cool.

For those of you who don’t already know her, her name is Laini Taylor, and her latest book, Lips Touch (which I loved from page one…it’s magical and romantic and takes you to another world—but one that’s totally grounded in this world!) was a National Book Award Finalist.

Her husband illustrated Lips Touch. And they have a new baby named Clementine.

The minute I found all that (plus the above, about the greeting cards and the pink hair) I was like: “What? Get out! Must…know…more…about…this…author!”

So…I emailed her and asked if I could interview her.

And she was kind enough to say yes!

Laini and her husband and publisher—who dyed his beard pink for the occasion of the National Book Awards!

So find out below how Laini got started writing (and selling her cool line of cards), what her books are about, and how she gets her hair SO PINK!

One of Laini’s Ladies, who are just as romantic and lush and kickass as her heroines

Meg: So, Laini, you have a background in art, but now you write AND do art. What made you go from being an artist to a writer…or did you always want to do both?

Laini: Writing was my first love. When I look back now, I can see that my whole art journey was really an elaborate procrastination from writing. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, and in college I majored in English and took writing workshops, planning (in the vaguest possible way) to take the publishing world by storm after graduation.

Another one of Laini’s Ladies

Laini: Well. There was one small problem. I didn’t actually write very much. Minor detail! I thought about writing a lot, but actual words on the page? Not so much. Writing was really hard, so, out of avoidance, I began to do art instead. It started as a hobby, but I got obsessed, and within a couple of years I was applying to art schools. It was years before I got back to writing seriously, and I can’t help but imagine all the books I might have written in that time. Still, I’m glad my life took that path. Art has been a great second career AND I met my husband in art school!

Check out Laini’s cool website about how writing is not for robots.

Meg: Did you ever experience rejection along the way? How did you deal with that if it happened?

Laini: The rejections I remember the most viscerally relate to my artwork, because they were on-the-spot and in-person, rather than form rejections in the mail. When I was still making my gift line, Laini’s Ladies, by hand, I went to some local gift boutiques to see if they would carry them.

Fortunately the buyers at the first store I went to were lovely and gracious and placed a big order, because the next several places I tried were awful. Nasty. It was really hard for me to put myself out there like that to begin with, and these women, these haughty, self-important gift-shop buyers, could really make you feel small.

(Meg: I can’t believe this! I love Laini’s Ladies! Find tons of them here! Don’t tell Laini I told you!)

Laini: The orthodox answer to how to deal with rejection is you just keep on doing your thing, no matter what. In my favorite picture book, Max Makes a Million by Maira Kalman, there’s an artist who only paints invisible paintings, and nobody gets it.

“But Bruno is no crybaby. He just keeps working on the ideas in his head.” That’s really the necessary spirit.

But. I have another way of dealing with rejection that’s much more fun: make enemies. Really. I have a secret nemesis, a writer who snubbed me at a convention once (no, I won’t say who!). Since then, I’ve only ever said his/her name in the way Seinfeld says “Newman!”

Laini: And I’ve tried (unsuccessfully) to forbid my husband from buying his/her books. This writer, of course, has no idea he/she is my nemesis, that’s the “secret” part — I do not advocate reciprocal meanness. It’s all in fun, and really, it is fun blowing a minor snub out of all reasonable proportion. I recommend everyone have at least one nemesis. It takes the sting out of rejection.

Meg: HA! I think that’s hilarious.

Another one of Laini’s Ladies

Meg: So, the girls in your stories seem very strong. Who were your favorite heroines (real or imaginary) growing up? How much of you is in the heroines you create now?

Laini: Weirdly, I don’t remember who my childhood heroines were! It’s making me feel old. Childhood just seems so long ago! I do remember that, as a 70s baby and a gymnast, I worshipped Nadia Comenici.

(Pause for Meg to go: Eeeeee, I loved Nadia too! So hilarious Laini mentioned her. Now back to the interview:)

Laini: The other one that comes to mind is really obscure: Lady Oscar. She was from a Japanese cartoon I watched on Italian TV (I lived in Italy as a kid). She was Marie Antoinette’s kick-ass female bodyguard and she dressed and fought like a man but she was beautiful and had a great love story. I love a character who can smooch and kick ass.

Laini: As for the heroines in my books, I would say that the least strong of them, Kizzy (from Goblin Fruit, in Lips Touch), is the one most like me — her yearning and huge daydreams are a portrait of my high school self, and I can say absolutely that I would haven fallen victim to Jack Husk.

Meg: Me, too! So how does the collaboration process on your books work, with your husband Jim di Bartolo illustrating and you writing? Do you ever look at his illustrations and go “No! It’s not supposed to look like that!” Would you like to illustrate your own book someday? Would he ever want to write his own book someday?

Laini: Jim works from my manuscripts to develop the art. We have meetings (sometimes at home and sometimes at our favorite restaurants, and once we even conjured an excuse to go to Prague!) where we discuss what/who will be illustrated and Jim makes thumbnail sketches. Later, when he gets to developing the look of things, there can be a bit of, “No, that’s not what he looks like,” but mostly I’m amazed by how much Jim brings to the process, capturing my vision, but also adding his own to it. It’s so much fun!

Art by Jim di Bartolo!

Laini: As for illustrating my own books some day: yes! Picture books were my reason for going to art school, and along the way I got sidetracked by an awakening love of middle grade and YA fiction, but I still adore picture books, and hope to be able to write and illustrate at least one. As for Jim and writing: also yes. He has several ideas at various stages of development.

More art by Jim!

Meg: Awesome! I can’t wait for them. So what new projects do you have coming up that we should look out for?

Laini: I have a YA novel in the works (for Arthur Levine, my Lips Touch publisher), that’s like the Lips Touch stories in style — supernatural romance, creepy and sexy — but is bigger and juicier and you can really sink your teeth into. Also, Jim and I are also collaborating on an illustrated project for younger middle-grade readers that’s very different from my other books—very silly and full of boy humor. Neither of them have pub dates yet.

Meg: I’ll be totally looking out for them! OK, this is something I’ve been longing to ask, since I used to have a pink streak in my hair, and maintaining it was really hard! How do you get your hair SO PINK?

Laini: Actually, maintaining the pink isn’t that hard! I have it done at a salon, and my stylist uses
Elumen by Goldwell. That’s really the key. It’s a “magnetic” color and fades and bleeds very little. The product is so good that I really only have to re-dye about every 12 weeks, but I have a half-way appointment every 6 just for the roots. My natural color is brown, so my stylist has to bleach me first (after the first time, only the roots get rebleached) to make the pink as vivid as it is. The full-head appointments take about three hours, the roots appointments about half that.

Laini: I’ve had pink hair for about 2-1/2 years now, and it’s so much more fun than my old color. It’s hard to imagine ever changing back!

Meg: YOU ARE AWESOME. Thanks so much for letting me interview you!

Laini: Thanks so much, Meg! It’s a thrill to *be here*!

The funniest part about my interview with Laini was, after I sent her an email asking if I could interview her (along with all my interview questions, hoping she’d say yes), she reminded me that I had already met her and her husband Jim at BEA last year when she was pregnant with her new baby Clementine.

How funny is that???

(I remember very little from that morning, because I got up so early to do the Children’s Breakfast with Julie Andrews. And I am not a morning person.)

But as soon as she sent this photo I remembered! And then I was like, “Oh, yeah! She was so cool!”

So, there you go. Laini Taylor, for everyone who hasn’t already met her!

Great writer and fun pink-haired lady. READ HER BOOKS!

More later.

Much love,

Meg

Read It

Making Fetch Happen

I’m so out of the loop trying to finish my next Allie book, I actually can’t keep track of anything anymore!

Like, I didn’t even realize this book was out yet.

But it is!

(Seriously, it’s a problem. I just asked my mom, who’s crafty, to make me a bulletin board because even though I have all the fancy gadgets in the world to remind me of stuff, I don’t seem to pay attention to them. So I’m going old school: bulletin board. You can’t turn off a bulletin board!)

I read this book a long time ago when it was still in galley form. It’s by the author of the book on which the movie Mean Girls was based!

Only this new book is fiction!

I met the author, Rosalind Wiseman, when I went on the Today Show once for a segment about gossip.

As the author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, Rosalind is an expert on how hurtful gossip can be, and as the author of books like Queen of Babble, so am I (ha!).

Being on the Today Show (which I’ve done a couple of times now) is always crazy fun (You get to meet totally random people in the green room! Professionals do your hair and makeup! You get to see if you’re taller than Matt Lauer!)….

Rosalind and I had to act like enemies during the show, because she was taking the anti-gossip stance, and I was pro…

…but only to make the segment more interesting, of course. Because gossip is wrong! Especially gossiping over the Internet, which I would never do!

Speaking of which, did you hear what happened to poor Teresa on Real Housewives? Teresa, I am here for you, honey. Call me, we’ll talk, I’ve never missed an episode of Intervention, I can help.

Wait, where was I?

Oh, yeah. Rosalind is super nice, one of those people you can tell is trying to do good in the world, and who really worries about kids and their self-esteem. Like, worries! She even has this video advice column she actually remembers to update and everything. Love her!

So, now Rosalind’s written this new book that was so much like actually being a freshman in high school that I was all, “Wow, I’m so glad I’m not a freshman in high school anymore.”

If I knew a middle schooler who was going into high school (which I do), I’d buy this book for her as a sort of how-to guide.

And what’s more, Tina Fey loved Rosalind’s new book, and gave it a blurb.

Seriously? There is no word to describe any of this except fetch.

More later.

Much love,

Meg

Read It

What A Girl Wants

Did you get what you wanted for Christmas? I didn’t. Well, not everything.

I wanted a Pomeranian puppy, a pedicab, and a new swimming pool with a built-in outdoor Jacuzzi and slide (like the one they have at Atlantis in the Bahamas, complete with sharks).

But then I read this essay in the New York Times by Krista McGruder, about the time the author moved into a new sublet and the previous owner (also a woman) came back in the middle of the night, drunk, and screaming her ex-lover’s (and dog’s) names.

This caused Krista to reflect (after she called the police, of course) that perhaps all women want is:

A lover with whom to draw a warm bath
A closet stuffed with pretty dresses
A scale that subtracts seven pounds
A bank account that speaks to her usefulness
A dog to comfort her
And a burly cowboy who drives the bad guys the hell out of Dodge.

Isn’t this a brilliant list?

That’s when I realized: This is all I really want.

Forget the pedicab. Forget the pool with shark tank.

Although truthfully I think Krista’s list could be pared down even shorter (at least for me).

A lover with whom to draw a warm bath:

I love baths, but I don’t want anyone to draw one for me. I like my baths to be solitary, so I can read essays (like Krista’s) uninterrupted.

A closet stuffed with pretty dresses:

Who wouldn’t want this? I wish I had more dresses.

This is not my closet. I wish! This is Peaches Geldof’s closet.

This is more what my closet looks like, only mine is even messier:

The 27 Dresses closet. Sigh.

A scale that subtracts seven pounds:

As long as I’m healthy and the pretty dresses in my closet zip up all the way, I don’t need any kind of scale.

A dog to comfort her:

I think cats are much more low maintenance than dogs, and decided I don’t want the Pomeranian puppy after all, since I’d have to walk it, and it might chew my shoes.

A bank account that speaks to her usefulness:

Every woman would love this, of course, but I think it’s just as important, if not more so, to have a career that you enjoy…

…even if it doesn’t pay well. Just so long as you can pay for the necessities (like rent, the hot water bill, and the pretty dresses, of course)!

A burly cowboy who drives the bad guys the hell out of Dodge:

I never realized I wanted this until Krista wrote it. She’s a genius!

(Except that I don’t want to take a bath with him. He has to take his own baths).

This guy isn’t exactly burly, but he’ll do.

Of course a girl should be able to drive her own bad guys the hell out of Dodge. But it gets so exhausting. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a burly cowboy around to do it for her once in a while?

But it would be great if he could also take out the garbage.

And remain good-humored about it.

And put up with my irritable cat, my pretty dress fetish, and respect my career.

And he can’t sleep around with the dance hall girls at the saloon!

Really, isn’t this what we all want?

Edited later to add:

It has been pointed out to me that guys who are good at cooking and doing our taxes, WHO SHALL BE NAMELESS IN THIS BLOG, are just as good as, if not better than, cowboys.

Obviously, I know this! Because guys like this drive the bad guys the hell out of Dodge, too…with their fearless barbecuing, and filing of 8802 US Residency Certifications (in order to request a Form 6166).

Don’t worry, guys: We love you just as much, whether you’re wearing a Stetson or an apron, or carrying a Colt or a calculator.

More later.

Much love,

Meg