Rapture or Reckoning?January 5th, 2011
As some of you may know, certain theologians argue that at some point in the future there is going to be either a big party (known as the Rapture) . . .
. . . or those of us who have been naughty are going to be in bit trouble (which will be called the Day of Reckoning) . . .
Many people—such as myself—have been keeping a sharp eye out for signs of either event, and since 2011 dawned, things have been looking promising for a Rapture. I give you the following clues:
Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds have been seen publicly together at numerous locations. Could they be dating? Outlook good for Rapture!
On the other hand, Kate Middleton and Prince William have said they don’t intend to have staff in their new home together (eek! Reckoning!) Early on in my marriage, I realized that my husband and I had widely divergent opinions on what “clean” meant. I think budgeting to have a third party do the tidying up can actually prevent a homicide. Note to British commonwealth: For the sake of the future of the world (and the monarchy), get Kate and William a housekeeper!
(Speaking of monarchies, today is Michael Moscovitz’s birthday! Yes, he’s the fictional boyfriend of Princess Mia Thermopolis, but he has a Facebook page. Say hi and give him a kiss!)
(The fact that so many people remembered this and Tweeted it: Sign of Rapture!)
Speaking of royalty, I would urge you to go see The King’s Speech (doing so will prevent the Reckoning: we need more good movies like this, and less bad movies! The fact that this movie is so good is definitely a sign that the Rapture is coming)!
This movie is the true story of Queen Elizabeth’s dad, “Bertie” (later called King George), who had a horrible stutter. My uncle Jack, on whom the character Uncle Jay from the Allie Finkle books is based, also had a stutter, so I understand and have deep sympathy for stutterers. I too had a speech impediment growing up, and spent many hours in Speech and Hearing class).
Bertie and his wife never thought his stutter would matter, because he wasn’t next in line to the throne, so he didn’t need to speak publicly. Bertie never thought he’d become king, much less have to give inspiring speeches to the public over the radio . . . especially as his country was being bombed by Hitler! Can you imagine?
But through a CRAZY series of events (that involve a very, very naughty American lady named Wallis Simpson), that’s exactly what happens!
Colin Firth plays Bertie, and Helena Bonham Carter plays his wife Elizabeth (Queen Elizabeth’s Mum). But in this movie, the Queen Mum is very young and pretty and spunky, and determined to help her husband overcome his stutter, even when he wants to give up.
This movie is a deliciously yummy, inspirational love story that I wanted to watch all over again as soon as it was finished! It’s partly Bertie and Elizabeth’s love, and partly the love of the man the Queen finally finds to help her husband, that makes this story such total Rapture!
One of the cutest couples in all of history!
Another sign of the Rapture:
The movie The Fighter, because of all the funny mean girls in it! I thought it would only be about boxing (which, let’s face it, I am not so into), and so I really didn’t want to see it. Certain parties FORCED me to see it.
But it’s really about families, and how they can bring you down, but they can also boost you up again. So it turned out not to really be about boxing at all (well, it is, but not really, sort of like how Friday Night Lights isn’t really about football).
And like The King’s Speech, The Fighter is a TRUE STORY! I loved it!
OMG look at the clothes Mark Wahlberg’s sisters wear in The Fighter! Rapture!
Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal have broken up! This is good because now we’ll get more awesome new breakup songs!
Even more Rapture:
I made a mistake! I thought the new Mediator re-issue of Books 1 and 2 in the series was coming out next month, but it came out December 28! So it’s in stores everywhere NOW!
But even though there is so much solid proof that the Rapture is on its way, I became slightly nervous the Reckoning might be upon us instead, because shortly after January 1, these DISGUSTING, STINKY mushrooms started growing all over my yard.
Not all mushrooms are cool, mushroom hunters.
I was POSITIVE judgment day was upon us, and I of course had not passed inspection. I have houseguests visiting right now, and every time they go out by the pool they start asking, “OMG WHAT IS THAT SMELL?”
These mushrooms are SO GROSS and stinky they can only come from Satan. When I dig them up (the ones I can find. Some remain elusive, growing under shrubs and bushes, and I cannot find them. But I can smell them), I have to encase them in a plastic ziplock bag and then throw them in a Dumpster far far away from my house, like behind the recycling plant, or the smell (like a crematorium) can still be smelt for MILES.
But then I realized that surely there had to be a rational explanation for the mushrooms other than the fact that a hellmouth had opened up in my backyard because I’d been so naughty, like Wallis Simpson (except I have NOT been dallying with any heirs to the throne, or Nazis!).
And sure enough, it was true! I found it on Wikipedia. These mushrooms are called Stinky Squids. They are members of the stinkhorn family and they can grow eight inches just a few hours. If you don’t believe me, watch this video of a member of the stinkhorn family do just that:
Their growing in my yard was NOT a sign of the Reckoning, because these mushrooms grow in mulch, and new mulch was just laid in my yard. To get rid of them, I just have to have the mulch removed.
So you see? There is a rational explanation (and solution for) everything.
Which is excellent, since I have to get everything pretty for when MEG RYAN AND JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP GET MARRIED!!!! The fact that they are dating is another sign the Rapture is on its way!
Because the most famous person from my hometown marrying the star of some of my favorite movies of all time just has to happen. It just HAS to!
2011 just might be the best year ever. Fingers crossed, people.