The Palatine Guard Human Resources HandbookJuly 1st, 2010
Here are some facts that may have escaped your notice until now, but of which I feel you CANNOT go into the holiday weekend without being made aware:
If you hold a sparkler to a mannequin’s dress, it WILL catch on fire.
If you go away for the holiday weekend, some kids might make a really big water slide from the roof of your house.
But if you tell certain kids NOT to do something (like make a really big water slide from the roof of your house while you’re not home) all you’ll end up doing is making that kid even more obsessed with that thing than ever.
Like the mom who made me stop watching a certain vampire movie in the middle when I was 12:
Ever since then, I’ve had to watch anything with vampires in it, in a vain effort to find MY lost vampire movie … even movies I’ve had no interest in seeing, that I was sure weren’t my vampire movie, such as Nosferatu and The Hunger and Lair of the White Worm.
That’s how I’ve ended up seeing almost every vampire movie ever made, and also how I ended up guest blogging about the experience this week on USA Today’s Pop Candy. Read more about my vampire movie obsession here.
And someone smuggled an actual copy of The Palatine Guard Human Resources Handbook (featured heavily in my new book, Insatiable) out of the Vatican, so we posted it on my site.
(Don’t ask me how they did it! We just post, we don’t question.)
If you want to know more about what it’s like to be one of the Chosen Few (if you don’t know what the Palatine Guard is yet, first of all, for shame. Second of all, click here), just visit the “Extras” page on the Insatiable homepage and then scroll down until you get to the Palatine Guard Human Resources Handbook (it’s disguised to look like an ordinary book. Obviously, we don’t want anyone from a certain place to know that we have this information. It’s explosive!).
Here are some random selections from The Palatine Guard Human Resources Handbook
Article 2 Combat Zone Protocols
2.1 Procedures In The Event of Mass Human Casualties
In the event of mass human casualties due to a supernatural-related event, the primary goal is to manage the situation in such a way that the civilian population (or the media) never suspects the true cause. Take stock of the situation and be prepared to provide explanations that match the scene: natural disasters, man-made disasters, or a combination of natural and man-made disasters often result in high loss of life. For example, a severe microburst in the middle of the summer could account for mangled bodies strewn across a suburban street. In cities like New York, thousands of people suffer cab-related fatalities each year. If a microburst were to hit Lower Manhattan at rush hour, the body count would be high.
Article 4 Expenses and Equipment
4.3 Per Diem
Vampire Hunters will be extended a $50/day allowance for food and lodging. We have reciprocal agreements with various churches and convents in secure sites across the country where Level-1 staff can reserve rooms while on duty. Dining at exclusive restaurants and staying in expensive hotels is strictly prohibited. No exceptions.
Article 5 Battlefield Protocol
5.2 After Capture
If you are captured by a vampire, every effort will be made to extract you alive. So be patient. While you are captive, you are not to reveal, even under torture, anything about the Palatine Guard or other Hunters. Your anti-torture and anti-exsanguination training should help you resist being interrogated by a vampire or other non-human creature. You should conduct yourself with honor and never forget that you are human. If you do not survive capture, every effort will be made to recover your body and give you a dignified burial.
5.3 If You Are Turned During Capture
Being turned while captive is one of the most undignified (un)deaths that a Hunter can endure (mostly because you will live for eternity knowing you allowed it to happen). To save yourself from this fate, it is vitally important to make every effort to terminate your own life before you become undead. The Hunter orientation that all new employees attend includes training in how to kill yourself quickly and painlessly. In the event that you fail in this and are turned during capture, your fellow Hunters will have to hunt you down and kill you (usually by removing your head). Please do not take this personally. As you know, this is policy. Struggling, begging for mercy, and/or attempting to kill colleagues who are only attempting to carry out their assignments will only make things more difficult in the long run for yourself and for your former friends, who must carry out an unsavory task.
5.4 Family Notification Order If You Are Killed or Turned
Your family will not be notified if you are killed or turned. They will only be told that you decided to take an extended vacation, and every month or so they will be sent a postcard from some distant, tropical destination until they forget about you. This is to protect them and other Hunters from non-human reprisal.
I told you! It’s explosive!
Many of you have sent in SASE’s (to me at Meg Cabot, P.O. Box 4904, Key West, FL 33041-4904) with requests for Insatiable bookmarks and Dracul tattoos, etc. We are happy to provide these. Sadly, however, we cannot provide you with copies of The Palatine Guard Human Resources Handbook. These are copyrighted to the You Know Where! We will be adding more to it online, however, when and if our “source” recovers more Palatine Guard Human Resources Handbook material. So keep checking back!
He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog’s dad thanks everyone who wrote in with get well wishes about his heart surgery. He’s in good spirits, and not just because no one has made a giant waterslide from the roof of his house. Yet. Keep up the speedy healing, Mr. HWSNBNITB, Sr!
I shall be spending my holiday weekend NOT making any giant water slides or lighting mannequins dresses on fire with sparklers. That’s because I just found out there are restaurants that employ monkeys as waiters. Not waiters who are as incompetent as monkeys, but ACTUAL monkeys.
I’m going to try to find one in my area, although I suspect I will probably have to go Japan for this, and this isn’t going to happen, as we all know what it’s like to travel during a holiday weekend.
PS Ugh, I know! A lot of you have written that you want to be writers and that you came here looking for writing tips! So where are they?
I’ve been writing this blog for over six years, and during that time, I’ve posted many, many entries on the writing process, as well as the revision process, how to get published, how to find an agent, etc. I know they’ve been helpful, because I’ve received hundreds of letters, emails, and even whole published books from you, thanking me for helping you to get published, and crediting the information I’ve posted here for it. That makes my already HUGE heart feel even HUGER! At the end of this month, I’m going to Orlando Disneyworld Resort to share even MORE of my writing knowledge (and sign books for charity) at many events at the RWA National Conference. I hope I’ll see tons of you there!
I realize, though, that there are new readers coming to this blog all the time, eager to find out how they, too, can get published. All you have to do is look! The information is always here (actually some of it is also here, too)!
The best advice anyone ever gave to me, I’m now passing on to you: Just take it one page at a time.