Reviews

June 28th, 2010

This past weekend He Who Shall Not Be Not Named In This Blog found out his father has to have open heart surgery.

Then the US got knocked out of the World Cup (but congrats, Brazil)!

Then I couldn’t remember where I was when Michael Jackson died, and everyone on the news kept saying NO ONE could forget where they were on this historic day one year ago.

But I did.

So all that left me feeling very overwhelmed and a little blue.

And okay . . . opening my copy of Us Weekly and seeing myself in it (although sadly not on the “Celebs! They’re Just Like Us!” page) was a very nice lift.


OK, I’m not really in it. INSATIABLE is though.

And waking up this morning to see INSATIABLE chosen as a one of Summer’s Hottest Page Turner’s by the Early Show on CBS rocked. John Searles is officially one of my favorite people in the world right now.

Still, when you find yourself with a bad case of the blahs, it can be hard to rally.

I knew exactly what I needed. The fakeness of a Hollywood blockbuster, preferably with explosions! But no one wanted to go to the movies with me this weekend. Why?

The reviews.

It seems like these days a lot of critics are more interested in outsnarking each other than in remembering that some people just want to go to the movies and have fun.

Only the kid movies that have opened this summer have gotten semi-decent reviews, and no one without kids will go see a kid movie with me.

(Which I don’t understand. There’s nothing wrong with going to see a kid movie, such as Toy Story 3, even when you yourself don’t have a kid. Just don’t sit near a kid, so his parents don’t think you’re there to kidnap him.

Although considering the way some kids behave at the movies these days, I’ve had a number of parents look at me desperately, like, “Please, lady . . . abduct my kid. I’m begging you. I don’t want it anymore.” Sorry, no dice. At least my cats know to go number two in their litter box, not on the seat.)

But the adult movies have all gotten horrible reviews. To which I say: Who cares?

If I still listened to reviews, not only would I have driven a stake through my own heart a long time ago, I’d have missed out on some of my favorite movies of all time! Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion? Empire Records? Super Troopers? Grandma’s Boy? These are all cult favorites that got panned by reviewers at the time of their release.

Here is what I know about reviews:

All of my friends who work in the hospitality business in both New York and Key West say that at least 50%, if not more, of the reviews on places like Tripadvisor are actually written by people who either work at that hotel or restaurant, or at a rival establishment.

At first I was shocked when I found that out. Now I’m addicted to the Tripadvisor review wars.

And we know from the great Amazon Canada Review Glitch of 2004 that many reviews on Amazon are actually written by rival authors (or the authors themselves).

Really, how can you not love this?

That said, I cheered myself up this weekend by watching Semi-Pro starring Will Ferrell, which I’d never seen because He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog has an absurd Will Ferrell prejudice.

(Yes. He’s obviously just jealous, because whenever I turn on anything starring Will Ferrell, HWSNBNITB comes slinking into the room, “just to get something.”

“I’m not watching this,” he’ll declare. “I just need to something.” AND YET HE NEVER LEAVES UNTIL THE MOVIE IS OVER.)

That’s because Will Ferrell was sent down to us by Heaven on a very special mission . . . maybe not quite like Mother Theresa, but sort of, considering all the work Will does for Cancer For College, an organization a fraternity brother of his founded that helps pay college tuition for kids who can’t afford it because their parents had to spend all their money on the kid’s cancer treatments.

Every time I’m a little down and one of Will’s comedies, like Talladega Nights or Stepbrothers or Land of the Lost or Semi-Pro or Anchor Man comes on, it cheers me right up. It’s like being touched by a chubby, silly, hairy, dirty little angel who uses the F word and then screams like a girl and rolls around in the dirt.

I know it’s kind of weird. But in the end, you have to admit you liked it.

But if I’d ever actually believed any of the reviews of Will’s movies, I’d never have watched any of them! And then my life would be bereft in so many ways. I’d have missed the bunk bed scene from Step Brothers (if you’ve ever had little brothers, you’ve experienced the “We’ll get so many more activities done with all the extra room!” speech. In fact I believe I once did this with a friend, with similar results.)

And I wouldn’t ever have seen this, considered (by movie goers of taste) one of the most inspiring and moving musical numbers of all time.

So, this is why I try always to ignore the snark and judge things for myself. It’s why I don’t care about the reviews, and want to see Liam “Release The Kraken” Neeson in The A-Team anyway. It’s why I don’t care how big EW says Cameron Diaz’s head looks in Knight and Day.

It’s also why I think we should make a special Oscar category for Best Review. Not the snarky or needlessly mean reviews, but the review that actually makes you want to go see a film.

And for that I would like to nominate this review, which I found on the IMDB page for the movie Wide Sargasso Sea, which I accidentally watched one night when there was absolutely nothing else on.

In case you don’t know, Wide Sargasso Sea is the “prequel” to Jane Eyre. Wide Sargasso Sea was not written by Charlotte Bronte. I have not read the book.

But I defy anyone not to want to see the movie AT LEAST A LITTLE after reading this review:

Wide Sargasso Sea

We watched this in school, my English teacher had no idea why it would be rated R so we just watched it. It was funny because there was so much nudity and sex and stuff. It was great. It got to the point where she had to run up and cover the screen grade school style and I got a kick out of it. Sex is funny! I have nothing against nudity if it’s done right, this is just there for lonely boys … well, anyway. We watched the movie and it’s slow and I really hated “Jane Eyre” so I didn’t like this one much either. If you’re a fan of nudity (all kinds featured here) check it out!

Now THAT is a review.

More later.

Much love,

Meg