Is Your Boyfriend A Vampire?May 25th, 2010
People of the world, I know you’re sick of vampires.
But if we’re going to survive as a species, we’ve got to stop living in denial and face this simple fact:
Vampires are real!*
You know it’s true. It’s why you’ve been feeling so tired lately. A vampire secretly sucked out a little bit of your soul from you today while you were picking up that latte at Starbucks.
Or maybe while you were on Facebook (don’t think you’re safe from them on the Internet. Why do you think all those ex-boyfriends keep poking you? They’re vampires now).
That promotion you wanted at work, or that part you wanted in that play at school? Do I even have to say who got it?
Vampires aren’t just on our TVs and Kindles anymore. They’re lurking in our classes and neighborhoods and offices.
If anything, they’re increasing in numbers. And they’re getting more devious.
That’s why I had to make this little instructional video, so you can be prepared in the event a vampire tries to date you. Watch and learn, people:
I hope you enjoyed that public service announcement, which came from the heart (I myself got duped into dating a couple of vampires).
I’ve personally suspected vampires of being real and infiltrating our world for some time. When I was 12 they showed Dracula on our local PBS station. I was at a slumber party at a friend’s house, and I flipped on the show just as it was getting to the “good” part (Dracula was biting Lucy, and blood was gushing everywhere . . . ).
Then my friend’s mom walked in, saw what I was watching, and freaked out. She made me turn the TV off because the show was “too scary.”
(PS Why do parents do this? Don’t they know that as soon as they say NO to something, kids are instantly and irrevocably drawn to it? Why didn’t that mom say: “MEG, ALGEBRA IS TOO SCARY. DON’T LEARN IT.” I would have been class valedictorian.)
After that, I was done. Everywhere I looked: vampires.
That mean girl in my gym class? Vampire.
My band instructor who could never tell the suck-ups from the hard workers? Vampire.
The rich old lady down the street who always gave out stale crackers at Halloween? Vampire.
Oh, and did I mention the zombies? You’ve heard about how they’re infiltrating the fashion industry, right? I’m pretty sure you have, since you, the Twitterverse, wrote this amazing new audio book Fashionably Undead, about it.
It’s available herefor FREE download. You should probably listen to it if you want to be ready for the zombie phase of the coming human vs. vampire apocalypse, which is obviously upon us (you can see the signs, right? Those guys who work at BP? Vampires).
Or you can just go on ignoring the fact that they’re out there. Keep telling yourself it’s all a story made up by writers. Don’t you get it?
(That’s what they want you to think.)
But whatever. Your demise just means more rations for the rest of us.
Actually, looking back, I feel as though I should thank that concerned mom. Without her, I might not have started preparing as early as I would have otherwise. And I wouldn’t have been able to write Insatiable and make all these videos to warn you.
Go here for more updates.
*Yes, I know that this was all brought up on Glee last night just hours after I posted this blog entry. I can’t help it that Ryan Murphy, Glee‘s creator, went to Indiana University (like me), was in a showchoir in an Indiana high school in the 80s (like me), and has his finger on the pulse of popular culture (like me). Zeitgeist is what we both do now, in different ways, so our paths are bound to cross (I’m sure he, like me, still also breaks into the use of jazz hands).