Did you get what you wanted for Christmas? I didn’t. Well, not everything.
I wanted a Pomeranian puppy, a pedicab, and a new swimming pool with a built-in outdoor Jacuzzi and slide (like the one they have at Atlantis in the Bahamas, complete with sharks).
But then I read this essay in the New York Times by Krista McGruder, about the time the author moved into a new sublet and the previous owner (also a woman) came back in the middle of the night, drunk, and screaming her ex-lover’s (and dog’s) names.
This caused Krista to reflect (after she called the police, of course) that perhaps all women want is:
A lover with whom to draw a warm bath
A closet stuffed with pretty dresses
A scale that subtracts seven pounds
A bank account that speaks to her usefulness
A dog to comfort her
And a burly cowboy who drives the bad guys the hell out of Dodge.
Isn’t this a brilliant list?
That’s when I realized: This is all I really want.
Forget the pedicab. Forget the pool with shark tank.
Although truthfully I think Krista’s list could be pared down even shorter (at least for me).
A lover with whom to draw a warm bath:
I love baths, but I don’t want anyone to draw one for me. I like my baths to be solitary, so I can read essays (like Krista’s) uninterrupted.
A closet stuffed with pretty dresses:
Who wouldn’t want this? I wish I had more dresses.
This is not my closet. I wish! This is Peaches Geldof’s closet.
This is more what my closet looks like, only mine is even messier:
The 27 Dresses closet. Sigh.
A scale that subtracts seven pounds:
As long as I’m healthy and the pretty dresses in my closet zip up all the way, I don’t need any kind of scale.
A dog to comfort her:
I think cats are much more low maintenance than dogs, and decided I don’t want the Pomeranian puppy after all, since I’d have to walk it, and it might chew my shoes.
A bank account that speaks to her usefulness:
Every woman would love this, of course, but I think it’s just as important, if not more so, to have a career that you enjoy…
…even if it doesn’t pay well. Just so long as you can pay for the necessities (like rent, the hot water bill, and the pretty dresses, of course)!
A burly cowboy who drives the bad guys the hell out of Dodge:
I never realized I wanted this until Krista wrote it. She’s a genius!
(Except that I don’t want to take a bath with him. He has to take his own baths).
This guy isn’t exactly burly, but he’ll do.
Of course a girl should be able to drive her own bad guys the hell out of Dodge. But it gets so exhausting. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a burly cowboy around to do it for her once in a while?
But it would be great if he could also take out the garbage.
And remain good-humored about it.
And put up with my irritable cat, my pretty dress fetish, and respect my career.
And he can’t sleep around with the dance hall girls at the saloon!
Really, isn’t this what we all want?
Edited later to add:
It has been pointed out to me that guys who are good at cooking and doing our taxes, WHO SHALL BE NAMELESS IN THIS BLOG, are just as good as, if not better than, cowboys.
Obviously, I know this! Because guys like this drive the bad guys the hell out of Dodge, too…with their fearless barbecuing, and filing of 8802 US Residency Certifications (in order to request a Form 6166).
Don’t worry, guys: We love you just as much, whether you’re wearing a Stetson or an apron, or carrying a Colt or a calculator.
More later.
Much love,
Meg
