Harry Potter and the Gushy StuffJune 19th, 2009
I’m keeping busy writing Runaway, the sequel to Being Nikki, and revising Allie Finkle’s Rules for Girls #5 (which just had a title change—from Birthday Bash to Glitter Girls and the Great Fake Out, which is more appropriate given that there’s both a great deal of glitter and girls acting fake in it).
And I just got a BIG box of Jinx in paperback (which reminds me…we need to have another contest, so check back for that soon). Look for that in stores, in addition to Airhead (er, both available now in paperback)!
But I wanted to take a moment to thank you for taking time to express condolences on the passing of my mom’s mom.
She was a nice lady, though very proper, and was in fact the grandma from whom I tried to hide the fact that I was writing sexy historical romances under another name for a while.
However, eventually she caught on. She was actually such a good sport about it (I was married, so it was OK that I knew about “those kind of things”), she threw a big book party for me, to which she invited all her nun friends.
It was at that party that I learned that nuns and grandmas don’t really mind smutty books. My book An Improper Proposal had just come out, which was the book where I tried to see how much smut I could throw in before my editor said, “Stop! That is too much smut.”
Only it turns out, there is no such thing as too much smut to a romance novel editor. If you are an aspiring romance writer, this is something you should keep in mind.
And so An Improper Proposal is what I like to call my Dry Humping On A Pirate Ship book.
Moving on, what is going on with the new Harry Potter movie? I’ve really been looking forward to this one, because the trailer makes it seem really dark and scary and great.
But now a few websites have pointed out that they’re starting to market the movie as more of a “romance.”
Obviously they’ve heard: romance sells (might I humbly suggest they add some dry humping? I can personally attest that everyone, even nuns and grandmas, like that sort of thing).
These are some of the posters they’ve trotted out:
Seriously? First of all…Ron? Is that you?
Second of all, what is Susan, the girl from my Sunday school class (you know the girl I’m talking about. That girl who was in everyone’s Sunday school class, the girl about whom everyone’s parents went, “Why can’t you be more like Susan?”) doing in this Harry Potter movie?
I understand why Hermione wants to kick her ass. I felt the same way when Susan told Father Chuck she spent all day on Good Friday visiting sick children at the cancer hospital up in Indianapolis.
But she couldn’t possibly have been in Indianapolis, because my best friend totally saw her hanging out at Orange Julius at the mall, sucking face with the basketball team.
Stupid, lying, perfect, two-faced SUSAN!
PS I would like to point out that I spent Good Friday going around to all my elderly neighbors’ houses, giving them cookies, and listening to their long boring pointless stories about olden times. Also, when I told them I was Vic Cabot’s daughter, they all went “Dick Cavett’s daughter! Come on in!” And when I corrected them, and said I was not Dick Cavett’s daughter–no, VIC CABOT, not Dick Cavett–they were all pointedly less interested in me. Jesus and I both suffered greatly that day.
Susan, on the other hand, had a super duper DUPER good time.
Then this happened:
I’m sorry, but why did Ron get the beefy shoulders and leather accessories? I thought Harry was the star of this movie. Is this Daniel Radcliffe’s punishment because we’ve all seen him with his clothes off on YouTube?
Check it out:
Now, I probably shouldn’t say this, but WHAT IS GOING ON WITH RON’S BROOM?
Seriously, look at that again:
Now look at Harry’s wand:
Do you see what I’m saying? If you were a teenaged girl, who would you rather go out with? Which one of these guys seems more potent and manly? As an observer of popular culture, I’m just saying.
It just goes to show, in your down time from shooting movies, you should never star in Broadway plays in which you’re naked, or you’ll get the losery movie poster and the teeny tiny wand.
And then there’s this one:
For this one I have to borrow the caption they used on Videogum, which they, in turn, borrowed from the movie Say Anything:
I wrote sixty-three songs this year. They’re all about Ron. And I’m going to sing each and every one of them tonight.
So wrong! Hermione would never do this.
And I actually don’t like the fact that they are trying to play up the jealousy angle of this story. I don’t remember Hermione being THAT jealous of Lavender. I remember her as being more irritated that Ron was making such a fool of himself.
What exactly are Ron and Lavender doing in the background of the poster above? They look like monkeys.
And does Lavender buy her clothes at Hot Topic? I think so. Obviously, Lavender is a fail.
And then there’s this one:
Videogum captioned this one: “Whatever, dad. I’m going out. What? TO THE MALL, THAT’S WHERE.”
That sounds about right. Oh, Draco! So much anger.
And now see what’s happened, Draco? All that pent-up anger has made you look like you’re wearing a bad hairpiece. And also one of my new boyfriend jackets from Shopbop. This is not a good look for you. Do you want to grow up to work as a wine sommelier on a cruise ship? Because that is where you’re headed.
Sigh. But whatever.
I’ll still be there opening day.